View Full Version : Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here
starling
29-06-2012, 13:28
Enough in here to upset everyone at least once - but had to post it :D
Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).
Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".
Just booked a table for Valentine’s Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!
Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.
If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It’s Spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.
The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunately, my elderly neighbour Ethel has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
News flashes:
1. Now on sale at IKEA – beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove.
2. A Bradford man has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it’s definitely race related.
3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
5. The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Blonde wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm water over it."
Wife texts back: "Computer really buggered now.”
the corny ones can make you smirk sometimes....
as in ..the plumber said to his wife "i,m leaving you ...it,s over flo..!"...or maybe not ....:D
Nytehawk
03-07-2012, 18:17
Poor Bob Diamond has been 'hounded out' of Barclays - But, thinking of it didn't we used to call that "taking responsibility"?
THE HINGE....
Charlie was installing a new door
and found that one of the hinges was missing.
He asked his wife Mary if she would go
to WICKES (HOME DEPOT, ETC) DIY and pick up a hinge.
Mary agreed to go.
While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a
customer,
her eye caught a beautiful bathroom Tap.
When the manager was finished,
Mary asked him, "How much is that Bath Tap?"
The manager replied, "That's a gold plated Bath Tap and the
price is £450.00.
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive Tap.
It's certainly out of my price bracket.She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the
storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled.
"Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back,
"No, but I will for the Bath Tap.
This is why you can't send a woman to
WICKES........
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes; the second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes; the following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes, the second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes, but, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...
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Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 71 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me..
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' and ran off .
And that's when I shot him ............. the little *******.
this is so funny my friend back home send me this. the women saying something beside coke. (i hope this is o.k. to post it is too funny)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BCWklwSw5fs
THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily. Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad.... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... As ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath).....
And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera .'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff..... A prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!'
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Some Irish Humour
Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "no tanks, I've only got a small garden."
Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"
A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... the driver won £52!
Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore.
So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic.
It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
The missus left a note on the fridge...
" It's not working, I can't take it anymore!! Gone to stay at my Mothers"
I opened the fridge the light came on and the beer was cold!!
God knows what she was on about. !!
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
junglejim
20-07-2012, 15:22
Q: How many Rangers(IL) supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10- 1 to change the bulb and 9 to argue it's still the same bulb!
kingbaker
20-07-2012, 19:10
Angry wife to her husband
An Angry Wife To Her Husband 0n Phone:
"Where d Hell Are You ...?"
Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewellery Shop Where You Saw The
Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It n I Didn't Have Money
That Time n I said "Baby It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... "O:)
Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: Yeah I Remember That My Love!
Husband: I'm in the Pub Just Next To That Shop
A Special Package for Business Men.
An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men. Buy Ur Ticket
Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free.
After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking
How Was The Trip.
All Of Them Gave A Same Reply..."Which Trip?"
Husband was seriously ill
Husband was seriously ill. Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be
pleasant & in gud mood, don't discuss ur problems, no tv serial, don't
demand new clothes & gold jewels,
Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.
On the way home.. Husband: what did the doc say ?
Wife:- .No chance for u to survive
An intelligent wife
''An Intelligent Wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much
That Her Husband Can't Afford Another Women
New SIM to surprise her husband
Woman Buys A New Sim Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise
Her Husband Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room. She Goes To
The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number: "Hello Darling"
The Husband Responds In A Low Tone: "Let Me Call U Back Later Honey, The
Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen..
Wife treats husband
A Wife Treats Hubby By Taking Him To A Lap Dance Club For His Birthday
At The Club: Doorman Says: Hi Jim How R You?
Wife Asks: How Does He Know You?
Jim Says: Oh Dear, I Play Football with Him
Inside Barman Says: The Usual Jim ?
Jim Says To Wife: Before You Say Anything, He's On the Darts Team in My
Local
Next A Lap Dancer Says: Hi Jim
Do You Crave Special Again?
The Wife Storms Out Dragging Jim With Her & Jumps Into A Taxi..
Driver Says "Hey Jimmy Boy, You Picked Up An Ugly One This Time.."
Jim's Funeral Is On Sunday
Cool message by a wife
Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't Teach me how 2 handle my children, I'm living
with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement:D
guy sitting at home alone rings babestation, the girl answers and says "hi what can i do for you tonight"
the guy say's "can you hide please because my wife has just come home and i have lost the remote control for the tv":o
kingbaker
21-07-2012, 19:15
Some days are better than others.
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a great huge, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?":lol:
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the
corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's
Jesus'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and
a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for
the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God
The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone.
It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on
disability benefit.
Nytehawk
30-07-2012, 19:43
Two Scottish nuns have travelled to the US for the first time. Walking through the airport, they see a hot-dog stand.
"So it's true that the people in this country eat dogs," says one.
"How strange!" exclaims her companion. "Well, if we're going to be in America, we ought to act as the Americans do." Going up to the cart, they ask for two dogs. The vendor fixes two hot-dogs, wraps them up in foil, and hands them over.
Curious to see this new culinary treat, the nuns rush to a nearby table. The first nun unwraps her meal first, stares at it, blushes, and then leans over towards the other nun.
"Um. . .what part of the dog did you get?" she whispers.
kingbaker
01-08-2012, 18:41
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with
her for R500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he
did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a
cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment " RENT FOR APARTMENT "
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the
whole event had not been that exciting. So he had his secretary send a
cheque for R250 instead and enclose the following typed note:
"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for R250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending
the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:
1 - it had never been occupied;
2 - there was plenty of heat; and
3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't
any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for R250
with the following note:
"Dear Sir:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect such a beautiful apartment to
remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, only if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you
don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present
landlady. :lol:
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A chap is fishing and hooks a salmon, he reels it in and is just going to
>kill it for his dinner when the salmon looks at him and says, "Hey mate,
>don't kill me, I'm only a baby, I haven't swum the 7 seas yet. Give me a
>chance pal."
>
>The man looks at the salmon "Hey, you can talk?"
>
>"Of course I can: go on put me back, there's much bigger fish under the
>bridge."
>
>"All right," says the man, "I'll put you back, what's your name?"
>
>"Rusty," says the salmon, "And yours?"
>
>"My name's Dave."
>
>He puts the fish back in the water and resolves to say nothing to anyone,
>for fear that he'll become a laughing stock.
>
>Ten years later he's fishing in the same spot and he hooks a monster. It
>takes him two hours to land it. He looks at it and pictures it on his
>dinner plate. Just then the salmon opens one eye and looks at him, "Dave, is that you?"
>
>"Rusty, I don't believe it! It must be 10 years since I let you go, what
>have you been doing?"
>
>"Well Dave, I've had a fantastic time. I've swum the seven seas and all
>the oceans. In fact, I've just come across the Atlantic, but I was really
>disturbed."
>
>"Why's that Rusty?"
>
>"Well, I was half way across and a voice told me to swim deeper, so I did, deeper and deeper and I found this huge shipwreck. I counted four funnels. It felt like death so I had to leave."
>
>"Wow rusty, that was the Titanic. It sank and almost all on board were
>drowned."
>
>"Ah, I knew it. In fact, I was so upset I had to sit down and write a poem
>about it," said Rusty.
>
>"A poem? Don't talk daft, you're just a fish, how can you write a poem?
>That's rubbish."
>
>"No Dave, really, it's available in all bookshops now."
>
>"Ok," says Dave, "so what's it called then?"
>
>"Salmon Rusty’s Titanic Verses!" Boom, boom. :lol:
kingbaker
02-08-2012, 21:51
A Great Weekend!
A balding, white haired man from Naples , Florida , walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man,
'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
See......Not All Seniors Are Senile
:bootyshake::hello::fpull:
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A man was brought before the judge and charged with NECROPHILIA (making love to a dead person)
The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the jail keys in the toilet?"
The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:
1. It's none of your damn business;
2. She was my wife; and.....
3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!"
LESSON
1. LADIES, PLEASE TRY TO MOVE A LITTLE DURING THE GAME.
2. GUYS, IF A LADY IS NOT MOVING, STOP IMMEDIATELY AND CHECK IF SHE IS ALIVE :bowdown::D
Got this by email this morning.......
A pervert makes a phone call and a woman answers.
The pervert with heavy breathing says, " I bet you have a tight **** with no
hair ?"
The woman replies, "Yes, he's watching the football!!!
Who shall I say is calling?"
kingbaker
06-08-2012, 18:44
:crylaughing:A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith.":crylaughing:
Nytehawk
06-08-2012, 21:29
MORE SAD BREAKING NEWS FROM THE OLYMPICS....................
Two of the Irish water polo teams horses have drowned.
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Further
Olympics Update: Paddy from the Irish syncronised diving team has been thrown out for punching his diving partner.
Paddy said he had hit Mick because he got fed up of him always copying his dives.
Nytehawk
08-08-2012, 21:37
The Glaswegian Iraqi................
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Glasgow Rangers Manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Scotland .
Two weeks later the Rangers are 4-0 down to Aberdeen with only 20 minutes left.
The Manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod, and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation and scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Rangers. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in Scottish football. 'Hello Mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media they all love me'.
'Wonderful', says his Mum, 'let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters. All while you were having such a great time'.
The young lad is very upset.
'What can I say Mum, except that I am very sorry?'
Sorry?!!!' says his Mum. 'It's your bloomin fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place'!!
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A man is in bed with his Thai girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his
manhood, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, "Why do you love doing that?"
She replies: "Because...................................... I really miss mine!"
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
Whatever happened to common sense?!!
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense,
who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he
was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red
tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not
children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old
boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his
condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing
the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their
unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but
could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to
have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became
businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their
victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed
to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a
little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust,
by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his
son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers,
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim
Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If
you still remember him, pass this on.
Sex in the Office
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. '
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
Pants down.'
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.
She responded, 'The ******* used coins!'
Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
Nytehawk
10-08-2012, 20:57
Breaking Olympic News:
Australian medals room was broken into and cleaned out. Police are looking for a man with a carpet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
I was in hospital yesterday getting a mole removed from my penis.
The doctors said the op went well. But the RSPCA said that if I do it again, they will prosecute...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
I was visiting my son the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
Tell you what, that fly never knew what hit it......
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper say, You foreigners! Come in." So the couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, "I have some magical sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."
The wife was really interested in buying the sandals, but her husband felt he really didn't need them.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!
The husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own and started pounding away.
Frantically the old Jamaican screamed "WRONG FEET, YOU HAVE SHOES ON WRONG FEET"
kingbaker
11-08-2012, 20:15
In the Pub
Paddy: I've gotta go now.............I've a lot of grass to cut
Mick: Have you got a Ride-ON?
Paddy: Only if I cut the grass!!:crylaughing: :crylaughing: :crylaughing:
My sex change operation from male to female went really well yesterday
It was so successful!
Im still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park... :wink::crazy:
today i went to the dressing room and saw two naked chicks togeher so you know i had to take a pick it´s not everyday you see two naked chicks togeher in the same room hahahahahahah
3586
Nytehawk
11-08-2012, 21:36
In my local pub tonight overheard two drunks in a bar. One said to the other my wife is an angel, the other one said your lucky mine is still alive.
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I’d like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my licence!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said,
"You didn't tell me you
had a prescription."
Can you believe it? My income tax return form has been sent back to me because, in response to question 4, "Do you have anyone dependent on you?", I replied :
2.1 million illegal immigrants ,
1.1 million crack heads ,
4.4 million unemployables ,
900, 000 criminals in over 85 prisons ,
plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole of the European Commission.”
They said this was not an acceptable answer! So , who the hell did I miss out?
Santiago
17-08-2012, 16:52
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:-
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct… leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
Nytehawk
18-08-2012, 21:59
Gentle thoughts for today............... .enjoy
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by thenyour body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy areplacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are "XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he'sreally in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way... I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
kingbaker
23-08-2012, 11:24
A GOOD CARTOON IN THE METRO NEWSPAPER!!!!!!
A drawing of an old lady having coffee, and her butler says 'Ginger Nuts Ma'am'?
And the Queen says 'Oh!! so you've seen the photos toooooo':lol:
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
A woman is at home, when she hears a knock on the door. She goes to the door and opens it only to see a man standing there, he asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?" She slamed the door in disgust! The next morning she heard a knock at the door, its the same man & he asked the same question........ DO YOU HAVE A VAGINA? She slammed the door again... Later that night she tells her husband, so he tells her, "don't worry darling tomorrow we will sort him out.
Next day the husband hears a knock. Tells the wife in a loving way, "u open the door I will stand behind it and you must say yes, I will hear what he is getting at." As she opens the very same man was at the door & he asked, "DO YOU HAVE A VAGINA? The lady said "YES I DO!" Man replied, "Good! Would you mind telling your husband 2 leave my wife alone and start using yours....:lol::lol::lol:
Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.!
Nytehawk
27-08-2012, 17:51
Two blondes from Essex went to Paris to visit Disneyland. Whilst driving the come to a sign that says 'Disneyland Paris - "Left". They both cried and went home..........
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Two lions sitting on clacton pier one says to the other "not very busy for a bank holiday!!"
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STILL BREAKING NEWS.......... The reports still suggest theres a lion loose in Essex. Let's hope it likes the taste of hair dye, silicone, and fake tan.......
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EVEN MORE BREAKING.... BREAKING NEWS.... BREAKING NEWS.......
Experts from Colchester Zoo have reassured the people of Essex that they are safe...... Lions are carnivorous and don't eat tangerines..............
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Six Golden Rules For F***ing...
These rules are so true.
F***ing once a week is good for your health, but its harmful if done every day.
2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing dont eat too much; go for more liquids.
5. Try to do f***ing in bed cause it can save your valuable energy.
6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level.
So remember:
FASTING is good for your health, and may God cleanse your Dirty Mind.
Nytehawk
28-08-2012, 16:24
The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more... ...
Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).
Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".
Just booked a table for Valentine’s Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!
Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker
came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour..
But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
Always REMEMBER this:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing...
Nytehawk
06-09-2012, 22:16
Teaching is not an easy Profession...........
Teacher was having problems with her class one day. These are some of the difficulties that she encountered.
: "Maria, go to the map and find North America". Maria: "Here it is teacher".
Teacher: "Correct. Now class, who discovered America"? Class: "Maria".
Teacher: "John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?
John: "You told me to do it without using the tables".
Teacher:" Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago".
Winnie: : "Me!"
Teacher: "Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?"
Simon: No Miss, I don't have to, My Mam is a good cook
Teacher: "Sean , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Sean : "No, Miss. It's the same dog".
Teacher: "Rory, why do you always get so dirty?"
Rory: "Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are."
Teacher: "Harry, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Harry:"A Teacher".
Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".
Just booked a table for Valentine’s Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!
Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker
came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour..
But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
Always REMEMBER this:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing...[/QUOTE]
From Thomas Cook Holidays – (listing some of Mr.P’s complaints over the years)
1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits,
like custard creams or ginger nuts"
2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons.
I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned
3. "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry.
I don't like spicy food at all."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."
5. A tourist at a top African game lodge over looking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant,
complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".
6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff.
When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
7. "The beach was too sandy."
8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure.
Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."
9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong.
He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned.
The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."
11. "We bought' Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a
street trader,
only to find out they were fake."
12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."
13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."
14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish..."
15. "The roads were uneven.."
16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England,
it only took the Americans three hours to get home."
17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment,
and ours was significantly smaller."
18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'.
We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"
19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish.
The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."
20. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."
21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
22. "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."
23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room.
We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant.
This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
(They walk amongst us and they Vote!!! )
Santiago
11-09-2012, 23:06
NO NURSING HOME FOR US!!!
No nursing home for us. We'll be checking into a Holiday Inn!
With the average cost for a nursing home care costing £188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.
I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.
For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's £59.23 per night.
Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
That leaves £128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.
Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
£5 worth of tips a day and you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There's a bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.
And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see Scotland ? They have Holiday Inn there too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker.
If you fall and break a hip, NHS will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.
The grandkids can use the pool.
What more could I ask for?
So, when I reach that golden age, I'll face it with a grin.
Somewhere for men to go when they are out shopping with their wife.
http://i38.servimg.com/u/f38/17/68/31/97/boob_p10.jpg (http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=16&u=17683197)
Nytehawk
18-09-2012, 19:01
A 92 year old man went to his GP to get a physical examination.
A few days later, the Doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow-up visit the Doctor talked to the man and said, ”You’re really doing great aren’t you?
The man replied, “Just doing what you said Doc: Get a hot mama and be cheerful.”
The Doctor smiled and said, “I didn’t say that. I said you’ve got a heat murmur. Be careful!”
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The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodaiki a bright
foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up:
'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.
'Very good!'
Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People,
shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Little Hodaiki: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.
'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more
difficult...'
Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can
do for your country?'
Once again, Hodaiki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John
F. Kennedy, 1961'.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves,
Little Hodaiki isn't from this country and he knows more about our
history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: `F . . . k the Japs,'
'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.
Little Hodaiki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'
Again, Little Hodaiki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Little Hodaiki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher,
'Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little $hite.
If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Little Hodaiki frantically yelled at the top of his voice,
"Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted.
As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,
"Oh $**te, we're feckedd!"
Little Hodaiki said quietly, "Bob Diamond, Barclays Bank, 2012."
The human body has 7 trillion nerves.
My wife manages to get on every bloomin' one of them!
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Knock knock.
Who's there?
"Doorbell repair man"
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I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.
They're brilliant.
It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex...
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Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames Barrier in London .
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam
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Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a
slapper. Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!"
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I was getting chatted up by a bird last night.
She said, "Have you got a nickname?"
"Yes" I said, "They call me Sledge"
"OH... Is that because you a sleek and fast?" she giggled
"No...... It's because I get pulled by dogs!"
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Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap!"
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I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"
"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"
That spider never knew what hit it.
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A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team
after Paddy accused Mick of copying him.
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Nytehawk
19-09-2012, 18:51
A panda bear walks into a bar, and says he want's to have lunch. He reads the menu, orders and eats his lunch then he gets up to leave he pulls out an AK 47 and shoots the bar to pieces. Then he heads for the door.
The shocked bartender jumps out from behind the destroyed bar and yells "Hey, what do you think your doing? You ate lunch, shot up my bar, and now you're just going to leave?"
He answers "I'm a panda bear, look it up" and goes.
The bartender looks on wikapedea which says "Panda Bear a cuddly black and white creature. Eats shoots and leaves"
Nytehawk
27-09-2012, 20:24
Nurse walks into the doctor’s surgery
“There’s a man in the waiting room. He thinks he’s invisible”
The Doctor says, “Well tell him I can’t see him today!”
I was using the gents toilet in a pub the other day when a dwarf came along side me and he started peeing next to me , he then looked down then up at me ..then down then up
then he looked down again and back up ... I said look mate i,m not that way inclined ,i,m not gay... so whats the big deal ? He said can,t help it mate everytime i look down you,re splashin me eyes ....
Nytehawk
10-10-2012, 15:31
A senior citizen bought a brand new BMW Z4 convertible and drove it out of the salesroom.
Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M74, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160.
Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.
When will these Jimmy Savile sex allegations ever end??
Police are now saying that Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it !!
starling
12-10-2012, 10:12
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool , Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'
Nytehawk
14-10-2012, 20:43
Hassan and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London.
Habib begs just as long as Hassan but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Hassan brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Hassan, 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
Hassan says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say?'
Habib's sign reads; 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Hassan says, 'No wonder you only get £2- £3!'
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say?'
Hassan shows Habib his sign....
It reads: 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan.
Paddy
One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
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Scottish Blood
An Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery the Arab sent the Scot, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scot who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scot a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street ."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
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Little Old Ladies
A priest decided to do something a little different.
He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever
hymn that comes to your mind -- the pastor shouted out > 'CROSS.'
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison - 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS..'
The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.'
The congregation began to sing - 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'
The pastor said 'POWER.'
The congregation sang - 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'
The Pastor said 'SEX'
The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing - 'MEMORIES.'
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In church I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you.
Dear Lord,
This has been a tough two or three years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite musician Michael Jackson.
My favourite salesman Billy Mays.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.
And now my favourite singer Whitney Houston.
I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are Ed Miliband, David Cameron and Nick Clegg.
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The Psychiatrist
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank."
He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat, "Whisky".
He then turned to the fourth Mum June: "Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy."
At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: "Come on, ****, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Fanny and Willy and go home."
Harmonicaman
15-10-2012, 20:56
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'
First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
"Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
and Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu."
The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.
The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
"Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent,
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and tim buktu."
Manure... An interesting fact Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.
t was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a golf term.
Nytehawk
19-10-2012, 16:54
Nina & Liz are having a
Conversation during their lunch
Break. Nina asks, “So, Liz, how’s
your sex life these days?”
Liz replies, “Oh, you know, it’s the
usual social security kind.”
“Social security?” Nina asks
quizzically.
“Yeah, you get a little each month,
but it’s not enough to live on.”
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A nun and a Muslim are sitting in a rail carriage, opposite each other. The Muslim is eating a bag of prawns and as he rips the tail off them he throws them on the nun. She can only take so much till she finally jumps to her feet and pulls the communication cord. He looks at her and laughs and says "stupid catholic bitch, that will cost you £250.
She says that's not as much as it will cost you when I scream rape and they smell your fingers.
Nytehawk
21-10-2012, 14:58
A guy visits the doctor and says, ”Doc, I think
I’ve got a sex problem. I can’t seem to get it up
for the wife anymore.”
The doctor says, “Come back tomorrow and bring
your wife with you.”
The next day, the guy shows up with his his wife.
The Doctor says, “Take off your clothes and lie
down on the table.”
She does it, and the doctor walks around the table
a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the
guy to one side and says, “Your fine…………….
She doesn’t give me a hard on either.”
Nytehawk
23-10-2012, 22:05
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: '$390,000'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $2,950,000 for it'.
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $2,800,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $150,000 if it's really good value.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !'
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing..
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the post man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'
'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
'DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'
Fifty shades of grey
The missus bought a Paperback
down Dymocks,Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
T’was “fifty shades of grey”.
Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.
Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and…
Said…. I must dominate her!!
Now if you knew our Doris,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.
She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought what the hell,
Stepped forward, and stood on her left tit!
Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god - what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one”!!
Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,….
Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.
A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers won’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won’t even be used.
The first day was fine but on the second day a coloured guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350".
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes "!!!! she said " He's got one hanging there"....!
The boss said "Go back in and give him £3-50......................He's the Window cleaner"!!!!!!!
An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl, tzitzis and traditional locks of hair. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.
So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there."
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.
As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"
The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew ? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts ?"
Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
The moral of the story : The customer is KING , and is always RIGHT in his own sense.
Silence is GOLDEN.
Being passive to INSULTS , shifts the insult back to the person who bad-mouths others.
Santiago
28-10-2012, 16:18
Police raided Kermit the Frog's lily pad today & found 1000's of naked pictures of Miss Piggy.
A spokesman said it was the worst case of Frogs Porn they have ever seen .
Nytehawk
30-10-2012, 23:47
A Handy Bit of First Aid
Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar drinking their beers and quietly talking about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich,begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her. "Kin ya swaller?" asks one of the cowboys. No, the woman shakes her head. "Kin ya breathe?" asks the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head no again. The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman into a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth and she begins to breathe again. The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but, I never seen anybody do it before."
Quick Movie Quiz :
Question : What actress wore the same coat in all of her movies in the 1960's ?
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Answer : LASSIE ......... :crylaughing:
Nytehawk
01-11-2012, 11:09
One day an old farmer fell asleep on the
upper floor of his hay loft. When he woke
Up, he saw his son having sex with his
girlfriend in the hay below. He decided he
Wouldn’t disturb them, so he lay down and
rested. After a while he heard his son say,
“Father, father up above, give me strength
for one last shove.”
So the father, being witty, replied “Son,
son down below, get off and give your
father a go.”
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BBC NORFOLK (True story)
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm
...Stewart White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis
Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
starling
01-11-2012, 16:25
Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire Show every year,
And every year Bill would say,
" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that there 'elicopter "
Blanche always replied,
" I know Bill, but that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid,
And twenty quid is twenty quid! "
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,
" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that there 'elicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Blanche replied,
" Bill that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid "
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's twenty quid. "
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,
" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't..
I'm impressed! "
Bill replied,
" Well, to tell you t'truth
I almost said summat when Blanche fell out,
But tha' knows,
twenty quid is twenty quid! "
Nytehawk
03-11-2012, 16:11
my mate goes to a fancy dress party with a rubber penis tied round the middle of his face. "What are you supposed to be?" asks someone. "F*** nose", he replies.
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My friends mum has been found dead in the washing machine.
He of course is totally devestated but has found some solace knowing she died in comfort
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One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer’s neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off.
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred – Forgive
Free your minds from worries – Most never happen
Live simply and appreciate what you have
Give more
Expect less
NOW........................Enough of that crap....................
The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON
When you do something wrong and try to cover up your !!!, it always comes back to bite you!
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Fifty Sheds of Grey.............
I don't know if any of you have read this book, if you haven’t, the following might give you an idea of what it is all about.
The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.
Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here re some extracts...
Fifty Sheds Of Grey
We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a
wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.
"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."
"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be
punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
"Harder!" she cried, gripping the shed workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.
"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."
"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD
starling
06-11-2012, 21:08
A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow , worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.
The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."
The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start
swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
She says: "Doctor that was brilliant!
Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once! Tell me Doc...wha's the secret?
How's the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
Nytehawk
09-11-2012, 16:57
An elderly couple went to the
Clinic and asked to be tested for
HIV. When the counsellor asked
Why they felt they should be
tested at their age, the old man
said, “Well, we heard on TV that
people should be tested after
annual sex!!”
malagabob
15-11-2012, 14:36
She knelt on the shed floor tugging gently at first. Then with more vigour. I moaned as it came. Now for the other boot.
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We tried it in all positions. Round the back. On the side. Up against the wall, but came to the conclusion the only place for the shed was at the bottom of the garden.
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Its our new perfume says the salesgirl, its £150 per 100ml. Its called "Perhaps".
£150!! exclaims the man. For that price I want something called "You bet your life you will get it".
malagabob
16-11-2012, 13:09
Put this rubber suit and mask on NOW he demanded.
Oh kinky she said.
Yes he said. You cant be to careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.
Nytehawk
18-11-2012, 20:51
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.
Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the
whaling ship that killed his father. Filled with anger, he says to his female companion,
'That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!'
When they were close enough, the male said, 'Why don't we swim under the ship and
blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge'.
And the female agreed to this.
So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous
amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea
and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead,
but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.
The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, 'They're still alive, but I've got another idea.
Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!'
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, 'Oh no .........................
I agreed to do the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen!
Nytehawk
29-11-2012, 17:59
An artist tried to concentrate on his work,
But the attraction he felt for his model
Finally became irresistible. He threw down
His palette, took her in his arms and kissed
her. She pushed him away. “Maybe your
other models let you kiss them,” she said
“but I’m not that kind!”
“Actually, I’ve never tried to kiss a model
Before,” he protested. “Really?” she said,
Softening. “Well, how many models have
There been?”
“Four so far,” he replied, thinking back.
“A jug, two apples and a vase!!”
Ecky Thump
06-12-2012, 20:15
LONDON LAWYER VS GLASGOW COP
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that
He has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun
At the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says
'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON. HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND,"
WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.* BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK - "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY." MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.
HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS . OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE - 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT,
BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH,
A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT Mr Gorsky TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION. HERE IS THE ANSWER TO "WHO WAS MR GORSKY": IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.
HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL,
YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY,
"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
It broke the place up.
NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained."It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said.
"What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.
TenerifeTeddy
13-12-2012, 21:22
Letter to Santa
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I
would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for
Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the
time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you
something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
* *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract,
set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this
joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at
my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria,
need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it
a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,
well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was
attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now your just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You have no idea what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your **** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people and if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you're ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *
Timmy,
That's what I thought you little *******.
Santa
Nytehawk
13-12-2012, 23:21
Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ???......
A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face
An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said:
"Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache."
Ecky Thump
15-12-2012, 22:37
A CHRISTMAS JOKE
A Scotsman, Englishman and a Irishman are tragically killed in a car accident on Christmas Eve.
They are met at the gates of heaven by St. Peter, who demands that they must have something in their pocket linked to Christmas before they can enter.
The Englishman takes out a cigarette lighter and says its a "Christmas candle"...he is allowed in.
The Scotsman takes out his car keys and shakes them and says they are "Jingle bells"...he is allowed in.
Paddy takes out a G. string and a bra, St Peter asks him what have they to do with Christmas!!!
Paddy replies "There Carol's" :)
Nytehawk
17-12-2012, 17:22
Bob says to Charlie, "You know, I think I'm
about ready for a holiday, only this year
I'm going to do things differently. The
last few years I took your advice as to where
to go. Two years ago you said go to the
Canaries. I went to the Canaries and Mary
got pregnant. Then last year you told me to
go to the Bahamas. I went to the Bahamas
and Mary got pregnant again.”
Charlie says, “So what are you going to do
Differently this year?”
Bob says, “This year I’m taking Mary with me.”
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
Jack is on his death bed, and he
says to his wife, "Can you give me
one last wish?"
She says, "anything you want."
He says, "After I die, will you marry Jimmy?"
She says, "But I thought you hated Jimmy."
With his last breath, he says, "I do."
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
It's night and a couple are in bed when there's a knock on the front door. The man gets out of bed and hurries downstairs. He opens the door to find a drunk waiting outside.
"Hey," says the drunk "Be a pal and give me a push."
"no" shouts the man "don't you know what time it is?" slams the door and goes back upstairs
Upstairs he explains what happened to his wife.
"You should be ashamed of yourself" she says "That man was asking for help and you turned him down flat. I don't care if he was drunk, go out and help him push his car"
The man gives in puts on some clothes and goes outside to find the drunk. He calls into the darkness "Hey, do you still want a push?"
"Yesh" shouts back the drunk "I'm over here on your swing"
Nytehawk
18-12-2012, 16:56
With the Christmas party season upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the Police from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.
Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several shots followed by a few pints of John Smiths, Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a taxi home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a taxi they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a taxi before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
Nun goes onto a bus that has no passengers.
Nun to bus driver: I'm dying and I want to have sex before I die but I must remain a virgin so it must be anal and i cant commit adultery so the man must be single, can you fulfil my wish?
Yes says the driver and shags her up the ****. Then feeling guilty the driver says " I'm sorry I lied I'm married with 3 kids" " That's ok" said the nun " I lied too. My name's Dave and I'm going to a fancy dress party!
Nytehawk
19-12-2012, 19:00
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
A man at the timber yard accidentally shears off his fingers.He runs to the hospital, where the Doctor says, "give me the fingers and I"ll see what I can do."The man replies, "I haven"t got the fingers."The Doctor says, "what do you mean, you haven"t got the fingers? We could have done microsurgery. I could have sewn them back on. Why on Earth didn"t you bring the fingers?"The man replies, "I couldn"t pucking pick them up!"
Ecky Thump
22-12-2012, 23:32
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,
“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing;
forty-five years of misery is enough.”
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.“We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.“Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts,
“I'll take care of this!
”She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted!They're both coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
Santiago
23-12-2012, 16:00
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around
the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well,
the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door,
the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up a...nd cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up,
I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up
with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
"MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem ****** off in the least. Whew,
I got away with that one! After a minute, he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times,
then said "oh ****" Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then tripped over the coffee table and farted!!!
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering..
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more
starling
25-12-2012, 13:01
A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl,
"Ten?" says the welfare worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan,
Nathan and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's
ready!' or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious
welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"
What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny.
Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman..
Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
A. Father's day
Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why
didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool
fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you
a Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm
a Chelsea fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no
reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like
your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and
your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and
a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him
for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The
arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.
A Scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing'.
We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.
You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the
uniform provided.
The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to
escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.
The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bull****ting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a
suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could
take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly.
'Last year we got six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same
plane as yours.'
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the...
little plane couldn't handle the load and
went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,
'Any idea where we are?'
Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'
starling
31-12-2012, 17:28
Went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a loaf of bread...........
The birds were all over me!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
The wife lost a tooth last night while eating a packed of dry roasted peanuts. To be fair, I did actually warn her not to keep rustling the packet while the football was on!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Our lass was wearing one of them skirts where you can just see the edge of her a**e poking out.
I'd probably find it sexy if it weren't knee length.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
First joke this year, !!! dearie me, what's happening ? (not one of my best BTW)
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £250 to £500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the £500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. :idea:
It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the £500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for £500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never even heard the shot.
Funeral is on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.
Fivepence
16-01-2013, 22:57
Did you hear about the elderly farmer who took a young lady for his wife. The old man was clearly in love, but his doctor and close friend was concerned that the farmer would not be able to satisfy the young woman's desires and that as a consequence the marriage was doomed to fail. In an attempt to keep the wife happy the doctor suggested to his elderly friend that it might be a good idea to hire a farm-hand. His thinking was that the farm-hand could both help the elderly farmer with the heavy manual chores and possibly provide any additional sexual pleasures for the wife without her having to stray from the farm. To the doctor's surprise the farmer was quite supportive of the idea and agreed to advertise for the farm-hand.
Some six months later the two friends met up again and the doctor enquired as to the health of the farmer's wife. "Oh, she's pregnant replied the farmer".
The doctor smiled knowingly. "And how's the farm-hand"? he continued.
"Oh, she's pregnant too". replied the farmer.
starling
22-01-2013, 14:31
A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.
"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy b****** and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train rolled out of the station. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.
No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life.
Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had had enough and leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed.
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
GARY IS IN HOSPITAL
Who the hell is Gary ?
Well Gary is the geezer who got home late one night and Marilyn his
wife, says "Where the hell have you been?"
Gary replies "I was getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred quid note on my privates" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in
disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred quid
note tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like
to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And,
lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at
home and blow a hundred quid anytime you want."
Gary is now in The Newcastle Royal Victoria Infirmary, Critical Care Unit, Room
233. No visitors until further notice.
starling
25-01-2013, 18:48
Is My Time UP?
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied:
"I didn't recognize you!"
Santiago
26-01-2013, 18:02
As we progress into 2013, I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over the past year.
I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.
I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern , I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..
Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!
Oh, and by the way...
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY�
:whistle::whistle::whistle:
Nytehawk
29-01-2013, 15:27
An Italian Confession
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
Bless Me, Father for I have sinned... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me tohide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?''
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.
'Twenty quid," she whispers.
Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides -- what the hell, it's only twenty quid. So they hide in the bushes.
They're going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer. 'I'm making love to me wife,' the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm so sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Well, needer did I,' says Paddy, 'til ya shoined dat light in her face!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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I bought a 60" plasma TV today for £180, there was a fault with the volume control at that price I couldn't turn it down
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
This morning I went to see my Doctor I haven't been feeling to well lately he gave me a thorough examination and he said well I cant find anything wrong with you it must be the drink!!! so I said Ok I will call to see you when you are sober.
willo-the-wisp
30-01-2013, 09:55
Scottish NHS
David Cameron is visiting a Glasgow hospital.
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or
illness.
He greets one and the patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."
Cameron is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The next patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."
Even more confused he just grins and moves onto the next patient, who
immediately begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."
Now very troubled, Cameron turns to the accompanying doctor and asks,
"Is this a psychiatric ward?"
"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit." :D
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Zarion
**** ***
http://i15.servimg.com/u/f15/17/68/31/97/ms_no10.jpg (http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=23&u=17683197)
Do you trust Internet Explorer ??
Nytehawk
30-01-2013, 19:26
A female BBC journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from the BBC. What's your name?"
"Morris Fishbien," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a bloody brick wall."
Santiago
30-01-2013, 23:44
Ok Guys I think this just might be the sort of tale you really appreciate………
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains
to the students of a northern University
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I
found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me
around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out
next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and
both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you
KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.
And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that
bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one
hill, UP another and DOWN another
until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his
hairy soul. And just like you said, he
became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..
Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was
lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in
and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision
may not have been the best way to start."
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying b*****d!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife:
'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.
'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
Nytehawk
31-01-2013, 17:39
A doctor is walking down a hospital ward when he hears a shriek and sees a nun running out of another doctor's office.
Curious he steps in to find out what is going on.
"Oh I just told that nun she's pregnant" says the second doctor.
"Was she" asks the first doctor
"No but it cured her hiccups"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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They now say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
Nytehawk
02-02-2013, 19:09
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A chicken is playing in a football match and scores two early goals. "You're very good" says the ref "Do you train hard?"
"Yes" says the chicken "But it's not easy. I'm a lawyer so don't get much free time"
When he hears this the ref pulls out the red card and orders the chicken off the pitch.
"What's the matter" says the chicken
"Professional fowl" says the ref
Nytehawk
03-02-2013, 17:38
Two elderly men were eating their breakfast one morning.
One notices something funny about the others ear.
"Hey" he says "Did you know that you have a suppository in your left ear?"
The friend pulls the suppository out and stares at it "Im really glad you saw this thing" he says "Now I know where my hearing aid is"
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Catholic boy in confession says, Bless me Father, I have sinned,
I masturbated while thinking about my sister.
That's a disgrace, said the priest, especially when you
have two gorgeous brothers.
Especially for Starling and Hackney58
Duz tha speak Yorkshire...?
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.................................................. ....................................
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
.................................................. ................................................
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone
is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".
He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the bloody "e" out, you've left the bloody "e" out!"
The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:
"E, she were thin".
.................................................. .................................
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell a*se cream?"
Chemist replies " Magnum or Cornetto?"
.................................................. ................................
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ectasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
I was at the bar the other night and heard three girls, with an overabundance of flesh, talking at the bar.
Their accent appeared to be Engish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from England?"
One of them screeched, "It's WALES, you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied,
"I am so sorry. Are you three whales from England?"
And...that's the last thing I remember....
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Deep thoughts (male perspective)
Deep thoughts..... Shoveled snow today and after doing so I sat down and had a couple of nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew ignited some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and even more deep thinking, I have come up with theanswer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby and here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or two after giving birth, a woman will often say "It might be nice to have another child". On the other hand, you never hear a guy say: "You know,I think I'd like another kick in the nuts". Case closed. Time for another beer......... :cheers:
Santiago
06-02-2013, 23:11
CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ....
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
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To help save the economy, the Government
will announce next month that the Immigration
Department will start deporting senior citizens
(instead of illegals) in order to lower Social
Security and N.H.S. costs (‘flu jabs, zimmer frames,
wheelchairs, free prescriptions, bus passes, etc.)
The Government has established that older people
are easier to catch and, in most cases,
will not remember how to get back home.
I started to cry when I thought of you –
maybe I’d never see you again….
Then it dawned on me............
I'll see you on the bus!
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Longest Nerve In The Body
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that
connects the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving
people a s h i t t y outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your a r s e and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.
My public service is done for the day!
starling
08-02-2013, 11:30
Especially for MEDMAN
David Cameron, the British Prime Minister, is being shown around a hospital in Glasgow. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease.
He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies:
"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."
David, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies:
"Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."
The third starts rattling off as follows:
"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"
David turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward is this. A mental ward?
"No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A teacher is asking the children in class about their ambitions in life and to tell the class in a rhyme..The class favourite puts up his hand, Miss,
"My name is Dan,and when I'm a man,I would like to go to China and Japan".. "Very good Dan" comments the teacher. "Miss" cries out the class beauty,"My name is Mary Grady,When I become a lady,I would like to have a baby,Maybe".. Very good Mary..anyone else? The wee Govan Terror at the back of the class stands up "Haw Miss,My name is also Dan, bugger China and Japan,If Mary Grady wants a baby......Dan's yir bliddy man!!!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A Slight Stirring
A young man was at a party in Scotland fully dressed in his native kilt, every male there was. He had been dancing with several young ladies, but none of them had really interested him. But, there was one girl who he had noticed that he wanted in the worst way. He was shy however and did not have the nerve to ask. Just as the last song was coming on Jill, the girl he fancied, came over and asked him, "Would you like to dance with me?"
Thoroughly pleased the young man responded, "Aye, how could you tell?"
She responded, "By the gleam in your eye."
After they danced the last dance Jill asked him, "Would you like to walk me home?"
The boy was so pleased he eagerly responded, "Aye, how could you tell?"
She responded, "By the gleam in your eye."
When they reached the girls house she calmly asked him, "Would you like to come in and sleep with me?"
He was so excited, he really was curious this time, "Was it the gleam in my eye?"
Jill responded, "No the wee tilt in your kilt."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Nytehawk
09-02-2013, 19:09
TRUE STORY (so near Shrove Tuesday)
Teatime Lovebite
A woman almost bit off her husband's willy as he cooked
pancakes for tea - while she gave him oral sex
In the heat of passion he lost his grip on the ban and spilt boiling
oil down her naked back.
She in turn clenched her teeth on his willy and in agony he bashed
her on the head with the pan.
Both only ever admitted how they received their injuries after
"intense questioning" by the hospital doctors in Carioca, Romania.
The man needed major treatment to his willy while the wife had burns,
two black eyes and a broken cheek bone!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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A Catholic boy in confession says, Bless me Father,
I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.
That's a disgrace, said the priest, especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nytehawk
10-02-2013, 15:59
A married couple were travelling across country in their rolls royce and stop off at a high class hotel.
After spending the night they check out and discover the bill is £600
"This is ludicrous" complains the husband "Three hundred pounds each for one night?"
"The price includes the use of the hotel sauna, complimentary drinks at the bar and the car valet service."
"But we didn't use the sauna" says the husband
"But you cold have done if you wanted"
"And we didn't have any drinks at the bar" says the husband
"You could have if you wanted to" replies the clerk
"\and we didn't have our car valeted" says the husband
"but you could have done if you wanted" says the clerk
"I give up" says the husband and writes a cheque
"Excuse me sir" says the clerk "But this cheque is for £100"
"I know" replies the husband "I'm charging you £500 for using our rolls Royce last night"
"But I didn't use it" replies the clerk
"No" replies the husband "But you could have if you'd wanted to"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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After 4 days of being on trial, the defendant asked the
Judge if he could change his plea from not guilty to guilty.
The judge replied angrily, “Why would you do that? If you’re
guilty you should have said so in the first place and saved us
all the trouble of going through a lengthy trial!”
“Well,” the defendant said sheepishly, “when the trial started
I thought I was innocent, but that was well before I heard all
the evidence against me.”
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A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him, “Congratulations, your wife has had quints, five big baby boys."
The redneck said, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney."
The nurse replied, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They’re all black."
hackney58
11-02-2013, 17:31
Fifty Shades of Grey
My missus bought a paperback
In Asda, Saturday.
I had a look inside the bag –
'Twas "Fifty shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it, see,
And went off up to bed.
An hour later, she appeared Oh,
the sight filled me with dread.
In her hand she held a rope,
The other, held a whip.
She brandished them around a bit
And then began to strip.
Well, forty years ago
I might have had a peek.
But Doris hasn't weathered well
-She's sixty-eight next week.
Watching Doris bump and grind
Couldn't be much grimmer.
And things progressed from bad to worse
-She toppled off her Zimmer .
She struggled back up to her feet
A good half hour later,
Put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her.
Now if you knew our Doris, see,
You'd know just why I cringed.
I'd been two months in tra_ction, 'cos
My hips and knees unhinged.
She stood there nude. All naked, like,
Bent forward quite a bit
And, jumping back in fright,
I went And stood on her left t*t.
Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,
My word. What HAD I done?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out
"Step on the OTHER one"
Well reader, I can tell no more
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say, my dark brown hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
Black and blue, battered too,
With wanton, wild perversion,
We decided that a night of sin
Was scarce worth such exertion.
Thank Heavens she has binned the book
And peace reigns, like before.
She's head to toe in winceyette
And back to back, we snore.
Anon.
Malteser Monkey
12-02-2013, 14:30
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself "that guy's heading for a breakdown"
A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.
hackney58
13-02-2013, 17:46
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY
A YORKSHIRE GIRL
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.....
The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Yorkshire.
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
The first day he didn't see anything.
The second day he didn't see anything either.
But by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he urinates.....
last night, the doorbell rang and there stood a couple of Jehovas Witnesses.
I said "come in, have a seat", which they did.
I said "right then, what do you want to talk about"
They said "we don't know, we've never got this far before".......:laugh:
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'
hackney58
17-02-2013, 18:13
A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "Don't enter that church, you daft t**t !!!"
His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"
Husband replies, "Our bloody wedding video"
A young girl's father calls up the father of a young boy to complain that he has been playing doctors and nurses with his daughter. The boy's father is quite dismissive and says that "we all did that when we were their age" Yes he agrees, "but he's just removed her appendix !!! "
Fivepence
20-02-2013, 22:36
A man invites his mate back home for dinner; the wife screams at him,
“I've not done my hair, not done my make-up, not done any housework,
Not done the dishes and can't be bothered with cooking!
What the heck did you invite him round for?"
" ’Cos he's thinking of getting married.” :tiphat:
Police have discovered a diary with the names of 5 other women Oscar Pistorious was planning to assassinate, they've called it 'Shinless List'
Nytehawk
21-02-2013, 21:58
"Mother," asked Johnny "Can you lend me £20?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow will you.' "
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Teacher:
Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?
Little Johnny answered:
Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king.
Santiago
21-02-2013, 23:10
A PRIEST AND A RABBI.
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,
“Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”
The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
To which the rabbi replied,
“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,
“Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith”
The rabbi then asked him,
“Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest replied,
“Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said,
“Beats the ***** out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
YOUR DUCK IS DEAD............ ????
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
Surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
Pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
Chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
Sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
Passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
Vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
You haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
Room. He returned a few minutes later with a
Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the
Dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on
The examination table and sniffed the duck from
Top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad
Eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
Of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
A cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
Sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
On its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
Strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
But as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
A dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
And produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. £150!"
She cried, £150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
Word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
Nytehawk
23-02-2013, 16:27
President Obama goes to a college to talk to the students. After his talk, he offers to answer questions. One young man puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.
" Walter," replies the student.
"And what is your question, Walter?"
"I have four questions. First, why did the USA bomb Libya without the support of Congress?"
"Second, why do you keep saying you've fixed the economy, when it's actually gotten worse?"
"Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?"
"Fourth, why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America isn't allowed to drill for oil?"
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the students that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
Another student puts up his hand. Obama asks him his name.
"Steve," he says.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"Actually, I have two questions. First, why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?"
"Second, what the hell happened to Walter?"
Nytehawk
24-02-2013, 19:53
Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey is well ahead of the field. Suddenly he's hit on the head by a salmon sandwich and a pork pie.
He manages to keep control of his mount and manages to get back into the lead, only to be struck by a tin of caviar and a dozen scotch eggs.
With great skill he manages to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when on the final furlong he's struck on the head by a bottle of chardonnay and a Bakewell tart.
Thus distracted he only manages second place and goes immediately to the stewards to complain that he's been seriously hampered
kingbaker
26-02-2013, 06:40
A beefburger walks into a bar and the barman asks...........Why the long face? :D :lol:
Nytehawk
27-02-2013, 20:41
A magistrate is speaking to three men brought before him for a misdemeanour.
He asks the first man why he's there. The man replies "For throwing peanuts in the lake."
The judge asks the second man why he's there and he answers "I'm here for throwing peanuts in the lake"
The judge asks the third man why he's there and he says "I'm peanuts"
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't forget Comic Relief this year. Just £5 can help a disabled African
learn the difference between an intruder and his girlfriend.
Mick & Paddy were having a "night in" at Paddy's house watching the football.
When the game finished Mick got up to go home but when he looked outside it was peeing down with rain.
Paddy said "you can't go home in this weather, I'll go & make you a bed up"
When Paddy came back downstairs he sees Mick near the front door absolutely soaking wet.
"What's happened" says Paddy.
Mick says " I went home for my pyjamas"...:laugh::laugh:
starling
02-03-2013, 09:35
Subject: How the fight got started...
> One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
>
> The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
>
> When she asked me why, I replied,
>
> "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
>
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
> ________________________________
>
>
> My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
> we were in bed.
>
> I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
>
> 'No,' she answered. I then said,
>
> 'Is that your final answer?'
>
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
>
> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
>
> And that's when the fight started...
>
> ________________________________
>
>
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
>
> "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
>
> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
>
> "Nah, she can order for herself."
>
> And that's when the fight started.....
>
> _______________________________
>
>
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
> reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
> drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
>
> I asked her, "Do you know him?"
>
> "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
> right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
>
> "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ________________________________
>
>
> When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
> to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
> something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
> making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
> thought of a clever way to make her point.
>
> When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
> grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
> scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
> the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
> I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
> grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
>
> The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
>
> ______________________________
>
>
> My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
>
> She asked, "What's on TV?"
>
> I said, "Dust."
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ________________________________
>
>
> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
> lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
> boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
> downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
> garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
> would be bad all day.
>
> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
> into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
> anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
>
> My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
> stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
>
> And that's how the fight started...
>
> _______________________________
>
>
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
>
> She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
>
> I bought her a bathroom scale.
>
> And then the fight started.......
>
> ______________________________
>
>
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
>
> The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
>
> I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
> home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
> to go home and come back later.
>
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
>
> So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
>
> She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
> me' and she processed my Social Security application.
>
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
> the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
> your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ________________________________
>
>
> My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
> She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
>
> "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
> to pay me a compliment.'
>
> I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
>
> And then the fight started........
>
> ________________________________
>
>
> I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
>
> The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
>
> He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
>
> So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
>
> That's how the fight started.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Road Show.
"Ooh" said the presenter. This is a very rare set, produced by the John's Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?
"Sticks" Paddy replied.
Nytehawk
03-03-2013, 11:47
RETIRED PERSON HEALTH MESSAGE
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's @.rse anymore.
.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while
.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE..........??????
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
The female dentist prepares the needle to give the bloke with the toothache an anaesthetic injection.
“No way! No needles, I hate needles!” the guy said.
So the dentist starts to hook up her nitrous oxide gas and the man objects again. “I cant do the gas thing either.
The thought of having the gas mask on my face makes me faint!”
She then asks the guy if he has any objection to taking a pill.
“No objection,” the patient says. “Im fine with pills.”
When she returns she says, “Heres a Viagra and a glass of water.”
The guy says, “Wow! I didnt know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”
"It doesnt” she said,
“But it’ll give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth out."
Nytehawk
04-03-2013, 20:24
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Nytehawk
05-03-2013, 18:31
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl is chatting to the teacher "My daddy just got a new car"
"That's nice" says the teacher "Is he excited?"
"Oh yes" says the little girl "He spent all last night repainting it and changing the number plates"
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
After a tiring day, a woman commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train rolled out of the station. The guy sitting next to her pulled out his mobile phone and started talking in a very loud voice: "Hi sweetheart, it's Eric, I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office, it was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly & the young woman sitting next to him had really had enough! She leaned over and said into the phone:
"Eric darling, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his mobile phone in public any longer!!
Fivepence
07-03-2013, 22:15
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children!
I'm leaving you ... I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car..
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days...
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
Nytehawk
09-03-2013, 10:51
"Why is your face covered with food?" I asked little Johnny.
"I'm just doing exactly what mum told me to do!"
"What did she tell you to do?"
"To shut my mouth and eat my dinner......."
Nytehawk
11-03-2013, 21:47
BREAKING NEWS..................... BREAKING NEWS............. BREAKING NEWS.......................
Chris Huhne and his ex-wife Vicky Pryce have just been sentenced to 8 months each for perverting the course of justice.
Chris was later heard asking his ex-wife if she would do the sentence for him!!
Not long got home...
Just had curried Pelican at the local Indian Restaurant...
not bad at all.....
but the bill was enormous ...:hungry:
Paddy and Murphy are in the queue at the airport at the check in desk looking forward to their 2 weeks in Tenerife!
"I wish i had brought the TV with me" said Paddy
"Whys that? asks Murphy
"Because our fu**ing tickets are on top of it...:crylaughing:
kingbaker
30-03-2013, 11:09
A beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at
the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He
immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so
he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological
abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
"Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast
cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his
Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do
you know what I am doing now?" "Yes," she said, "You're getting an STD:
which is why I came here in the first place."
Moral of the story: be professional in everything you do! :p:lol:
A couple of female bodybuilders are lifting weights in their local gym together.
I,m thinking of taking steroids one says flexing her muscles.
Don,t be daft the other one gasps.I once knew a woman who grew a todger after taking some kind of steroids.
"Anabolic?" the first one asks.
"No "says the second one ."Just a todger. "
Fivepence
30-03-2013, 16:43
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could Relieve your pain if you'd allow me.' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel?'
He replied: 'that felt pretty good, but I think my thumb is broken'
sundownersvince
30-03-2013, 18:58
You can tell its cold outside in Britain. The East Europeans are keeping their hands in their own ******* pockets.
starling
03-04-2013, 07:18
SOMETHING TO PONDER: A play on word by The Mensa Invitational
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
breathe easy
kingbaker
08-04-2013, 11:08
:whistle:Delighted with the popularity of the links he made between ‘welfare lifestyle’ and multiple murders, George Osborne has called for more people on benefits to kill each other. ‘Not only does this highlight the connection between welfare and violent crime, it also diminishes the number of people actually claiming benefit,’ the Chancellor told reporters. ‘I’m not advocating the murder of or by hard working families who pay their taxes. But those on sickness benefit, for example, should have their capacity to kill measured properly. And even those with physical disabilities could, say, handle a bit of poisoning, or push someone under a train on one of the new wheelchair-friendly stations created by new money we have put into public transport. :whistle: ’:(
kingbaker
10-04-2013, 11:31
Regional tension increased by North Britain
The enigmatic leader of North Britain Ai-Lix Sal-Mon has increased diplomatic pressure in the region as he threatens to break all diplomatic relations with the South of the Island. North Britain has become increasingly isolated since the historic division of the country, with its unpredictable leader now seeking to cut his society off completely.
Since coming to power as Glorious First Minister in 2007, he has sought to increase his popularity at home by criticising the more prosperous, ’decadent’ South Britons. At the last People’s General Congress he gave a three hour speech in which he railed against the South’s ‘theft’ of his country’s oil reserves, tennis success and whisky production and warned he will not be held responsible for the safety of southern students performing at the Edinburgh Festival this summer.
Read the full story now at NewsBiscuit.com
:whistle::D:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
Nytehawk
16-04-2013, 09:36
Whenever 5 year old Johnny was asked his name, he replied,
"I'm Mr Smith's daughter." One day his mother told
him that was wrong and instead he should say, "I'm Johnny
Smith."
The next Sunday, the family went to church. After the service,
the minister came up to Johnny and asked him, "Aren't you
Mr Smith's son?"
Johnny replied,"I thought I was, but my mother says I'm not."
slodgedad
18-04-2013, 14:52
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
starling
29-04-2013, 20:49
Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a
table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits
on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Pat: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Pat: - Er ... mmm .......... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?
Pat: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you
have a large garden then you have a large house?
Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ........ built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical
to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married? And with a family?
Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?
Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Pat: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!
Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.
Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Seamus: - What's that then?
Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Seamus: - Nope
Pat: - Well then, you're a Wanker!
Bill Roache,stuart hall ,kevin webster,rolf harris ,freddie starr,jim davidson...well the
Prison Pantos gonna be good this year....
PONDERISMS
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a phone camera these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a bush fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Z - Knock Knock
M - Who's there?
Z - Zarion
M - Zarion who?
Z - rolleyes2:
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
:laugh::crylaughing:
starling
05-06-2013, 07:35
I was speaking to a friend the other night and he said graeme how many times have you been married. Three I replied, the first wife died eating poisoned mushrooms ,
my second wife died eating poisoned mushrooms,
My third wife died of a fracture skull, .....she wouldn't eat the bloody mushrooms.
A young girl went to the Mother Superior and said Mother Superior, Mother Superior I have just been seduced by a man what should I do. The straight laced Mother Superior turned and said go immediately to the kitchen , get a lemon , cut it in half and suck it. Suck a lemon the young girl cried in amazement. Yes said Mother Superior SUCK IT it might take that satisfied look off you face.
One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said. Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
A man came home from work early one day, and found his wife naked and panting on the bed. "Honey," she said, thinking quickly, "I think I'm having a heart attack!" While rushing to call the doctor, he nearly stumbled over his crying four year old, who told him there was a naked man in the closet. He ran to the closet, opened the door, and there was his best friend. "Damn it, Dave" he shouted, "Jill's having a heart attack and here you are scaring the hell out of the kids!"
A 3 legged dog slides into a saloon, someone asked why he was there and the 3 legged dog replied I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw.
Guy take his dog into a pub and the landlord said no dogs allowed in here. The dogs owner replied that it's not a dog it's a blacksmith. The landlord said if you can prove that I will give you beer for life.
The dogs owner picked up a poker and stuck it in the fire, the landlord said what the hell are you doing and the owner said you told me to prove to you that the dog was a blacksmith, is that not right the landlord nodded and said what the hell are you going to do with that white hot poker, prove to you that the dog is a blacksmith, how said the landlord and the dogs owner replies I am going to stick the poker up the dogs **** and just watch him make a bolt for your door.
The newly-weds are in their honeymoon suite and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his pants and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your pants." "And don't forget that" he replies, "I will always wear the pants in this family!" The bride takes off her panties and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!" He replies, "I can't get into your panties!" "And you never will if you don't change your attitude.
Sorry Guys
HUSBAND'S PERSPECTIVE
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked: "What's on the TV?" I said: "Dust!
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said: "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said: "God, I wish I had your will power.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?: Two mothers-in-law.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy: "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine is still alive."
How do men define marriage?: An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said: "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
A little boy asked his father: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.
Golf and Dentist
A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go
to Dr. Robinson for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist
two years before.
"Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?"
The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a
guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at
least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles."
The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have to
do with your dentures?"
"It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt....."
Santiago
17-07-2013, 22:21
Wonderful English from Around the World
In a Bangkok Temple :
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctor's office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombasa , leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kenya Airport:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
(tell that to the ex-IMF Managing Director!)
In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACKFOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
(Just Like British Airways!!!)
A Laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE…
Nytehawk
21-07-2013, 20:06
It turns out switching it off and back on again doesn't work for life support machines. Sorry, Grandma.
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was taking a shortcut to work the other day through my local cemetery when I noticed a man crouched down next to a gravestone with his pants round his ankles!! I saw him, he saw me, embarrassed I wasn't sure what to do so I just waved & said "morning" to which he replied "no, just having a poo"
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER
Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 6
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years
Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeño peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
- - - and as someone recently said :
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."
Cricketer
An English lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?”
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me into there;”
“He removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Australian Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".
slodgedad
27-07-2013, 17:02
I'm sat watching reruns of the Harry Potter films and I don't think they're very true to life.
OK, I can beleive in magic, wands and spells.
I can believe in ghosts, flying cars and hobgoblins.
I can even believe in invisibility, but a ginger kid with mates? Na
starling
08-08-2013, 07:30
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A YORKSHIRE GIRL!......
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.
..The first man married a Greek girl
. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai girl.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. ...
.The third man married a girl from Yorkshire.
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned,
dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table every day. The first day he didn't see anything,
the second day he didn't see anything either,
...... but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down,
he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he urinates.
YOUNG GOLFER
09-08-2013, 20:42
I was in a pub on saturday night when this really brutal ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my **** and said "Give me your number sexy."
I replied "Have you got a pen?"
She smiled and said "Yes"
I replied "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."
starling
13-08-2013, 11:50
A little humour never hurt anyone
Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school, they’re fascinating.”
Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!
Paddy caught his wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his wife and says "Don't laugh, your next!!"
An Irishmen wanting to become a priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer three questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the **** out of them!!"
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind son, maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women, the prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
Three weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "But it shouldn't be long now though, her clothes arrived yesterday!!
A man is alone in an airport lounge, when a beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says:
'What the F**k do you want?'
'Aha!' he says
"Ryanair".
two police officers looking for a missing person on the beach eventually they find him by the by the waters edge the sergeant says to the constable he aint going anywhere now looks like he all washed up now.
slodgedad
21-08-2013, 23:21
A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.
A passing bum stops and says,"Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman said "Hell no ... you pervert .......... get away from me!"
The bum turned to leave and muttered, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."
Malteser Monkey
25-08-2013, 11:15
Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."
:flatcap::flatcap::flatcap::flatcap:
LUCKY TOTO 99
starling
29-08-2013, 18:37
"TWERK"
1. To dance using predominantly your bum, usually sexually.
2. Where people in Yorkshire go Monday to Friday, 9-5pm
slodgedad
04-09-2013, 00:34
As the Transfer Window closed, many Liverpool fans were disappointed not to have got Bale.
But they'll be back in court tomorrow to try again.
WARN YOUR HUSBANDS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Timely warning
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Bunnings, Mitre 10, Super Cheap Auto, BCF, or any other Blokey type shop.
This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month or so I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, uni-aged girls will come over to your car or ute as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts (It's impossible not to look).
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they climb into the vehicle.
On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you and in the process taking the wrinkles out of your old fella while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also June 1st, 3rd, 5th and very likely again this coming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Bi-Lo has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones at the Salvo's and bought them out of all of their stock in three of their stores.
Please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
Jumpinjax
05-09-2013, 15:52
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, crying. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him to **** off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
A Somali arrives in London as a new immigrant to the UK ...
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says ... 'Thank you Mr. English-person for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am from Pakistan '.
The man goes on and encounters another passerby ... ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in England!'
The person says, 'I not English, I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says .... 'Thank you for the wonderful England !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not English!'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks ... 'Are you English?'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the English?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ....'Probably at work'
starling
10-09-2013, 15:20
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions.
One said, " think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it ?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.
Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper
in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's.' "
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.
Nytehawk
11-09-2013, 13:56
A man who lived in a big apartment building wondered if it might be
raining, so he stuck his hand out of the window to check for raindrops.
As he did, a glass eye dropped right into his palm. He looked up to see
where it had come from and saw a young woman looking down.
“Does this belong to you?” he asked.
She said “Yes! Would you mind bringing it up?” The man agreed.
When he got to the apartment, he discovered she was really quite
attractive.
She offered him a drink, and he accepted. After a while, she asked him
if he’d like to stay the night. He hesitated, asking, “Do you act like this
with every man you meet?”
“No,” she replied. “Only with the ones that catch my eye.”
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
I Love this Japanese Doctor
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the Chester Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word fascinate."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the London Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I really wanted the word fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate so she called on him.
Little Johnny said, "My sister's sweater has ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
starling
19-09-2013, 08:20
Pretty nurse is giving a patient a health check and she said he has got quite a few health problems.
She suggested a good start would be if he could cut down on his masturbating.
He was upset at this and asked how on earth that would help ??
- the nurse said she was finding it very hard to continue with the rest of the examination if he didn't
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I have been to the charity shop to get all of her clothes back.
A friend of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and
her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got
a moustache."
A man rang his wife and said: Honey, I`ve been asked to go fishing with the boss and a few friends, we are leaving tonight, and be away for the rest of the week. I know it`s short notice, but will be a great opportunity to get promotion. So can you pack me some clothes and set out my rod and tackle box, I will collect on the way. Oh by the way, please pack my new silk pyjamas. The wife thought the last request was highly suspicious, but did as he asked.
When he returned from his trip, the wife asked him how everything had gone. A bit tired, otherwise everything was fine he said. Oh by the way why did you not pack my pyjamas like I asked?
I did she replied. They were in your tackle box.
Nytehawk
29-09-2013, 22:06
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me..............
My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.
It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me.
I gave her a loving smile and said,
"Get that trolley over here love. They're doing 3 Packs of Becks, for the price of 2."
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
I got back from work last night. My missus was waiting for me.
When we went to bed she asked me to remove her stockings. Which I did.
She then asked me to remove her panties. Again I did as she asked.
She then asked me to take off her bra. Once more I did as she requested.
Finally she said..............
"Don't ever let me catch you wearing them again you naughty boy".
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
Animal Sounds
A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher.
She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"Davy, what noise does a cow make?"
"It goes moo."
"Alice, what noise does a cat make?"
"It goes meow."
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
"It goes baaa."
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
"It goes...click!"
Nytehawk
02-10-2013, 17:28
Harold reached the ripe old age of 100 and suddenly stopped
going to church. Worried by Harolds absence, his minister
went to visit him. He found Harold in good health, so he asked,
"Why, after all these years, don't you ever come to church anymore?"
Harold looked around and lowered his voice."You see," he said,
"when I got to be 85, I expected God to take me any day. But then
I got to 90, then 95, then 100. So I figured that God is busy and
must have forgotten all about me-and I don't want to remind him!"
Couple of oldies i suppose ..but the old ones are the best so "They" say.......
PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT SENIOR STYLE.
An elderly couple in their 70's were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to keep my Rolls Royce.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: Put me down for Fridays.
and .....The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'
Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."...:laugh::laugh:
TOPGUN77
03-10-2013, 19:47
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from London, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'
The second, from Sheffield, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.'
The third surgeon, from Newcastle, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon, from Manchester, chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Birmingham, shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable
Nytehawk
03-10-2013, 19:53
Did I tell you some Barsteward hit me on the head with a power tool the other day?
Minding my own business , then next minute Bosch!
Did I tell you some Barsteward hit me on the head with a power tool the other day?
Minding my own business , then next minute Bosch!
Ignoring the post ..(below yours )...here is another funny ....
The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and ScotRail.
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed... by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Angus MacDougal
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. MacDougal,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
ScotRail
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of Numbers, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That, Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Angus MacDougal.
Nytehawk
10-10-2013, 17:09
A high school chemistry teacher wanted to educate his students about the
evils of alcohol. He brought out a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and
two worms. “Now watch this, class,” he said as he dropped one of the worms
into the water. The worm wriggled happily around in the glass. Then the
teacher dropped the second worm into the glass of whiskey. The swam for a
second and then curled up, died, and sank to the bottom of the glass.
“Now, what can we learn from this experiment?” the teacher asked his
students.
After a moment, Johnny raised his hand cautiously and said, “If you drink
whiskey, you’ll never get worms.”
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit. :laugh:
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
A Scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing’.
We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.
You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided.
The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.
The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bull****ting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!' :D
A couple of lads were in Bootle dole office and they notice some building work going on in the corner.
One of them says to the bloke in front of him "What's goin' on over there?"
"That's gonna be the new office for the solicitor" he says
"Solicitor, what's that all about then"
The bloke says " Oh well, it's like this,.. if you get offered a job, he fights your case for ya".....:laugh:
Nytehawk
10-10-2013, 21:56
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A Few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. Then, nothing. But, after another minute or two, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet minding my own business," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says,
You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Nytehawk
11-10-2013, 16:26
An Irishman & Englishman are happily talking over a couple of pints in their local pub. Jack nudges Paddy and says "Hey Pat, if I was to sneak over to your house, whilst you were out, and make love to your wife so that she got pregnant and then had a baby; would that make us related?"
Paddy took another long sip of his Guinness, grinned widely then shook his head "Ah no, Jack! But it'd surely make us even!"
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
A policeman searched me in a Nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.
I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"
"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then."
"What for?" I asked.
He said, "The drugs."
I said, "What drugs?"
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
My new girlfriend is taking me out shopping tonight.
She said I needed new clothes as I look too middle aged.
I'm gutted.
I love my armour.
Nytehawk
13-10-2013, 17:07
Some wise-ass looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically
said, "Is that lager or real ale?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; You want to taste it and find out?"
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost
a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did all that, I'd be talking to your girlfriends over
there instead of you."
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a
woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and
said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
starling
15-10-2013, 20:01
1. The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist ****s. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
3. Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, "Where is Pakistan ?" He replies, "Outside playing with ****-Dave".
4. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the **** in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
5. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
6. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
7. Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
8. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
9. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
10. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
/
Nytehawk
21-10-2013, 19:11
An elderly couple went to the Clinic and asked to be tested for
HIV. When the counsellor asked Why they felt they should be
tested at their age, the old man said, “Well, we heard on TV that
people should be tested after annual sex!!”
Nytehawk
26-10-2013, 20:22
It took me frigggging ages to change all my clocks.
There's an hour of my life I'll never get back!
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
Well, all my clocks have gone back.
Glad I kept the receipts, friggging things were all running an hour fast...
Irish Fire Insurance
A man and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London ..
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!
When they arrived in Cork , they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on a computer and said to the couple, "£39..00."
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England !
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says:
*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is "£39.00."
A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell her husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:
"Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went and got into
the Maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way with her.
When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light.
"No ma'am", said the Gardener.
Malteser Monkey
07-11-2013, 12:28
The sharing of marriage...
>
> The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a
> drink.
>
> He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing
> one half in front of his wife.
>
>
> He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two
> piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
>
>
> He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup
> down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the
> people around them were looking over and whispering.
>
>
> Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can
> afford is one meal for the two of them.'
>
>
> As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and
> politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
> said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything
>
>
> People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a
> bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking
> turns sipping the drink.
>
>
> Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another
> meal for them.
> This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing
> everything.'
>
>
> Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with
> the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who
> had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are
> waiting for?'
>
>
> She answered --
>
>
> (Continue below - This is great)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> .
>
>
>
> 'THE TEETH.'
>
Courtesy of warbey
@melm
starling
08-11-2013, 09:31
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife
lovingtenerife
08-11-2013, 15:41
Here goes one about beer:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hUMiG0KuYXc
enjoy
Nytehawk
11-11-2013, 11:12
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."
Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says :
"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad."
"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little ba$tard'$ name is Kevin."
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
Husband say's to his long standing wife, "What would you do dear if I said I have won the lottery", she replied, I would ask for my half and leave you. He then said, "Well, here's a fiver so **** off"
starling
14-11-2013, 09:05
Getting Married, Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop, so Jack suggests they go in.
Jack addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds"
Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jack: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "Yes"
Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We do..."
Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"
Pharmacist: "Yes."
Jack: "Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list.."
hackney58
14-11-2013, 16:25
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep
but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
Nytehawk
16-11-2013, 19:04
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
Nytehawk
17-11-2013, 15:22
An Alaskan, a Texan and American Paddy were all due to face a firing
squad. The Alaskan was the first one to stand against the wall.
As the soldiers took aim, he suddenly shouted “Avalanche!” The
soldiers instinctively turned around to look, and he escaped
The Texan was brought out, and as the soldiers once again raised their rifles,
he shouted “Flood!” Again they turned around, and by the time they
realised their mistake, the Texan had slipped away.
Finally it was Paddy’s turn. He cleverly thought he would follow the lead
of his fellow prisoners, so when the soldiers raised their rifles
at him, he shouted “Fire!”
starling
27-11-2013, 18:02
A Tap on the
Shoulder
A true story from the pages of the Manchester
Evening Times . . .
Last week a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realise that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
Nytehawk
28-11-2013, 17:34
Black Panties
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the social world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied,
"Mum, I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain ...
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties -
He in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied:
"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
But down there I am still mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same --
She stood there wearing the black lacy panties,
And he was in his birthday suit --
But now he was wearing a black condom...
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied,
"I want to offer my deepest condolences"
Nytehawk
01-12-2013, 10:51
A guy walks into a bar, saw a woman sitting alone, walked
over to her, and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped
him. He immediately apologised, saying, “I’m sorry! I thought
you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“You no-good, disgusting, horrible drunk!” she yelled.
“Funny,” he muttered, “You even sound exactly like her.”
starling
04-12-2013, 08:30
BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little *******.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children Are Quick
____________________________________
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
Nytehawk
09-12-2013, 00:44
A salty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am," was his reply.
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I should hope not ma'am, it's only 2130 now."
An old US Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
“Are you a real pilot?”
He replied,
“Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?”
She said,
“I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.”
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"Are you a real pilot?"
He replied,
“I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.”
slodgedad
12-12-2013, 02:18
Lady: Do you smoke?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs
Lady: How much per pack
Man: $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be
$10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your bloody Ferrari then..
Nytehawk
15-12-2013, 14:34
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward ! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"He's decomposing!"
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the
headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face.
The egg, looking a bit disgusted, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
If anyone needs it explained - read it a second time.
A Scotsman died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'
'Oh', said the man, pointing towards one of them, 'Whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible', said the man, who then pointed to another clock, 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where's Alex Salmond's clock?' asked the man.
St Peter replied, 'We are using it as a ceiling fan. '
My wife has locked herself in the kitchen in a rage, after a massive argument over how miserable and tight I've become.
She's in there now, ripping all the plates up
Nytehawk
15-12-2013, 21:48
Merry Christmas........
He lay her on the table so white & clean & bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat, he rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and felt her breasts and drooling touched her thighs.
The slit was wet and everything set, he gave a joyful cry.
The hole was wide, he looked inside: All was dark & murky.
He rubbed his hands then stretched his arms, then stuffed that bl00dy Turkey.
May I wish you and your dirty mind a very Merry Christmas
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 68.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 72.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!
~~~~~
Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now,
but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses,
without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering,
and take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that,
by the time you're old enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman,
so as to give him time to think of an answer
for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~
I went into B and Q today and bought a christmas tree. Checkout attendant says "nice tree, are you going to put it up yourself" I said don`t be silly I'll put it up in the living room like I always do!!
starling
19-12-2013, 18:23
NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS ANYMORE!
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We've got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, Shes lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don't believe him, hes getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!
TOO GOOD NOT TO SHARE
And Then:
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over ...women like that are hard to find."
Nytehawk
19-12-2013, 23:44
Irish Burial at Sea
Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.
'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'
WAIT FOR IT. . . . .
'Aye'tis, now hand me dat shovel.'
starling
23-12-2013, 08:29
It was a doctor's last patient consultation of Christmas Eve.
A mother came in with her young daughter and asked if he would examine her because she had been showing some strange symptoms ,including a significant increase in weight, sickness most mornings and a number of strange cravings.
He checked her out very carefully and eventually told the mother that her daughter was unquestionably pregnant.
At which news she protested very strongly.
''Don't be ridiculous, my daughter has never been with a man''
The girl confirmed that this was true and added that she had never kissed a man.
The doctor studied the girl very carefully , then quietly stood up and walked to the window and stared out of it.
Suspecting the worst the mother asked if there was something wrong.
''No not really'' replied the doctor, '' It might just be coincidence, but last time this happened a bright star appeared in the east.......
~~ SINGALONG
Have your self a Merry Little Christmas>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
~~ IT'S A CRACKER
Doctor,Doctor,with all the excitement of Christmas I can't sleep.
Try lying on the edge of your bed.....you'll soon drop off.
Nytehawk
23-12-2013, 22:58
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
Why men don't talk in public toilets
I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, one of which was already occupied.
So I entered the vacant one and dropped my trousers and sat down.
A voice from the next cubicle said "Hello mate, how are you doing?"
I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude, replied "Yeah not too bad ta".
After a pause I heard the voice again, "So, what are you up to mate?"
Again I answered somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what to say, I replied "Umm, just having a quick poo....How about yourself?"
I then heard the voice for the third time...."Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back, I've got some idiot in the next loo answering everything I say!"
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
My mate Paddy, is an electrician in the USA. He got sacked from the U.S. Prison service yesterday for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"
starling
03-01-2014, 21:29
THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more
The doctors treating Michael Schumacher announced this morning that there has been no change in his condition overnight.
He's still an arrogant German #### :)
Nytehawk
04-01-2014, 23:42
The Mothers Theory
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's Mums like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mum?
1. My Mum has always been my Mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mum need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least £8000 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your Mum marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between mums & dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
Nytehawk
06-01-2014, 14:23
With so many Bulgarians around, I decided to join a Bulgarian language class.
Didn't help though - the instructions were given in Polish.......
The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
-- I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".
Nytehawk
13-01-2014, 22:16
A class of five-year old school children return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.
The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this Playtime?''
Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.''
'Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.''
Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.
The teacher then says, `Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'
Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''
''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.''
Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.
Teacher then says, `Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''
''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives.''
''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit.''
Nytehawk
14-01-2014, 17:42
Husband: What do you want for your birthday, dear?
Wife: I’d better not say.....
Husband: C’mon, what do you want? A diamond ring?
Wife: You know I don’t care for diamond
Husband: How about a mink coat?
Wife: I already have one.
Husband: Fine then, what do you want?
Wife: What I really want is a divorce.
Husband: Oh! I wasn’t planning on spending that much.
It was a terrible winter — three months of unbroken blizzards.
McTavish hadn't been seen in the village for weeks, so a Red Cross rescue team struggled to his remote croft at the head of the glen.
It was completely buried — only the chimney was showing.
‘McTavish,’ they shouted down the chimney. ‘Are you there?’
‘Wha’s that?’ came the answer.
‘It’s the Red Cross,’ they called.
‘Go away,’ shouted McTavish. ‘I bought a flag last year!’
starling
23-01-2014, 10:23
And god promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.
And then he made the world round... and laughed and laughed and laughed.....
starling
27-01-2014, 18:15
Subject: Italian Mama..........................!!!
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what
you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."So he sat down and
wrote an email:
---------------------------------------
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son
Anthony
------------------------------------------
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving
Mama
Moral: Never Bulla ****a your Mama.
Fifty Shades of Chocolate
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was just After Eight.s They got off at Quality Street . He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole,' she said with a Wispa. 'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts,' he replied. He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her. Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple. He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. Soon they were Heart Throbs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight. But 3 days later his Sherbet Dip started to itch ........... turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett who had Allsorts.
starling
04-02-2014, 13:28
Irish pickle factory
Irish pickle factoryMickey O'Flynn worked in an Irish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Mickey to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Mary, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Mickey tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Mary gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?" Mickey replied, "I think she got fired too."
An American tourist asks an Irish dive master: "Why do Scuba divers always
Fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be
In the boat."
Ha Ha..its the way i tell em ....:laugh:
starling
06-02-2014, 08:04
Subject: Pierre the Fighter Pilot
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine . It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, ' Pierre , kiss me!'
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!'
She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, ' Pierre , kiss me lower.'
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
' Pierre ! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!'
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, ' Pierre , kiss me much lower!
'Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.
He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously,
' PIERRE , WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, 'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!'
THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU - THE GOLDEN YEARS!
Several days ago as I left a meeting I desperately gave myself a personal search. I was looking for my keys.
They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion! His theory was right. The car park was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all.
"Hello My Love", I stammered; I always call him "My Love" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your bloody car."
This is what they call, " the Golden Years!"
starling
08-02-2014, 07:35
VERN'S FUNERAL
Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends Two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every
Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local Strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Vern! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league ."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says...
"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Vern's wife, now furious,
Grabs her purse and
Storms out of the club.
Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in
Beside her.
Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper
Must have mistaken him for someone else,
But his wife is having none of it
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
Calling him every 4 letter word in the book..
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD
THIS COMING FRIDAY
Nytehawk
09-02-2014, 23:04
At the end of the tax year, the Revenue Office sent
an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the agent was checking the books,
he turned to the executive of the hospital and said
"I notice you buy a lot of bandages.
What do you do with the end of the roll when
there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the executive.
"We save them up and send them back to the bandage
company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed
that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases?
What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realizing that the
inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and
every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he
could fluster the know-it-all executive. "Well,
What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive.
"What we do is save all the little foreskins and
send them to the tax office,
and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
An English tourist was driving through the Outback when he noticed a man on
the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo. A few k m s further on, he
came upon a small Outback town, parked his car and went into the pub for a
drink.
He grabbed a beer and had a look around the bar and noticed a one legged guy
sitting in the corner masturbating without a care in the world.
The English tourist turned to the barman and said:"What sort of country is
this?! A few k's down the road there was a guy having sex with a kangaroo
and that guy in the corner is masturbating in full view of everyone.
"The barman said, "You heartless Pommie *******. He's only got one leg. How
do you
expect him to catch a kangaroo?"
Santiago
12-02-2014, 14:52
Subject: The Irish Furniture Dealer
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin , decided to expand the line of
furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could
find.
After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a
line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new
acquisition, he decided to visit a small bar and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite
crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in
the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his
table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not
understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to
sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.
After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a
napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She
nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin,
and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left
the bar and found a quiet bistro that featured a small group playing
romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture
of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced
until the bistro closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a
4-poster bed on it.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he
was in the furniture business.
Subject: Try this new Cider that's come out.
http://youtu.be/Xfzxesxk_Yo
wait till the end to see the bloopers
firebirdbw
16-02-2014, 12:30
Di you hear about that Cowboy.... made a lasoo in bed !
starling
20-02-2014, 07:32
Afraid
People were talking in their church pews. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had left the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
starling
23-02-2014, 20:40
The Lone Ranger's Last Request....
The Lone Ranger's Last Request
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured
by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, you are the great Lone Ranger"...
"In honor of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request?'
The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches,
the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
to his horse.
Silver is brought to him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears
over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
Silver again returns,
this time with a voluptuous brunette,
more attractive than the blonde.
Â
She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request?"
The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone,
the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
looks him square in the eye and says,
"Listen Very Carefully!!!
FOR...THE...LAST...TIME...
"BRING POSSE, NOT PUSSY!"
:flatcap:
a few gems from Air Traffic Control
=========================:flatcap:
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles ."
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
=========================
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet . How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
=========================
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock , three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
=========================
A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
=========================:flatcap:
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
=========================:flatcap:
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed, rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts.
Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
==========================:flatcap:
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
:flatcap:
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
:flatcap:
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
:flatcap:
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
:feret::feret::feret::feret:
firebirdbw
24-02-2014, 23:47
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
This is your Captain speaking::flatcap:
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth
and uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax,
and.........OH... MY GOD!"
Silence followed. Then, some few moments later, the
captain came back on the intercom, and said: "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am very sorry if I scared you. But, while I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee onto my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled,
"For the luvva Jaysus you should see the back of mine!"
:flatcap:
When my wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
Then I saw her face...
Once upon a time there lived a King. The King had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
Metal,
Wood,
Stone,
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth...
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the Princess,' Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the Prince's pants?
.
M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
starling
02-03-2014, 18:05
For all my fellow Yorkies...........
LAST FEW TAKING THE MESS OUT OF YORKSHIRE FOLKS.......YOU NEED TO KNOW THE LINGO TO APPRECIATE!
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”
.................................................. ...........................
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about
.................................................. ...........................
A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!
.................................................. ...........................
Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, you're next!!"
.................................................. ...........................
An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the ***** out of them!!"
.................................................. ...........................
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"
.................................................. ...........................
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!
.................................................. ...........................
A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
.................................................. ...........................
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.
.................................................. ...........................
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.Apparently,Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
.................................................. ...........................
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.................................................. ...........................
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
.................................................. ...........................
And.... at last.....
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell **** cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
.................................................. ...........................
A blonde chick gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a football.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says..
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.
The boy looks at her incredulously and says: "Because I'm the goal keeper !!!"
:flatcap::flatcap::flatcap::flatcap::flatcap::flat cap::flatcap:
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.”
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!”
Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.”
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said “Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!”
Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!”
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.”
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said “Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!”
Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.”
:flatcap::flatcap::flatcap::flatcap::flatcap::flat cap::flatcap::flatcap:
A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill
The doctor checks him over and says,
'Sorry, I have some bad news,
you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns
your blood yellow
and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There's no known cure so just go home
and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo
with her that evening as he's never been there
with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card
he gets four corners and wins £35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line
and wins £320
Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins
that too getting £380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never
seen anyone win four corners, a line,
the full-house and the national game on
the same card.
You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'
'Lucky?' he screamed.
'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24 .'
'F**k me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !!
The Italian lover
A virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido, was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where they went back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but refusing to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear.....
"No, Norwegian.
This morning I was on the 7.30 train to London when a woman (26) in front of me dropped a pencil on the floor of the carriage. I picked it up for her and she thanked me a little to profusely I thought for 7.35 in the morning
Do you work in London she asked me.
Indeed I replied and you?
Oh I'm a Phd student at the LSE , she said
" What are you researching I asked
" The urban sexual myth" she said
By this time everyone in the carriage was listening from behind their newspapers
Trying to appear interested I asked her what that was about
She said, well there are a lot of sexual myths that fly around that have no basis in fact. For example it is often said that Frenchman make the best lovers. This is not true! If anything that description probably belongs to the Native American Indian!
Really I said
Yes she said another is that black men are better endowed than white men but that's also not true.
In fact my research shows that it's more true of the native Greek male.
I'm sorry she said we haven't been introduced
Sorry I said shaking her hand,
I'm Tonto Popodopolous
starling
18-03-2014, 17:04
Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced
they are closing lanes 7 and 8....
I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but
explaining they were not a dating agency...
Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through
her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and
a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job,
she's not for him
Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy as he nears the top of the
ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says
"I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" Paddy replies "No I only live round the
corner."
After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that
the Titanics swimming pool was still full.
A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am so sorry Dave. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess that I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around, in fact more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
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