View Full Version : Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here
http://imagizer.imageshack.us/v2/xq90/838/u8q7.jpg (https://imageshack.com/i/nau8q7j)
The Butler Carson came into the morning room with the Newspapers and after coughing discreetly asked his Lordship if he could explain the word "Aplomb".
"You see Sir, I saw it in the Times crossword and I am baffled, your Lordship did say I was to ask if there was ever anything I did not understand."
"Quite so Carson, Aplomb, let me see if I can give you an example.
you remember recently that we had the Prince William of Cambridge and his Bride Catherine to stay for the weekend ?"
"Oh yes Sir and a most delightful and charming couple they were ,if I may say so."
Then you may recall that in the Gardens the young Prince went to pick a Rose for his newly wedded wife and suffered a nasty puncture to his thumb from a Thorn" Carson replied " I remember it well your Lordship. I ministered to him myself and the Duchess used one of her dainty Handkerchiefs to stem the flow of Blood."
"Indeed Carson, and at Dinner that evening you also may recall as his Thumb was obviously giving him a great deal of pain, the young Catherine
had to cut up his portion of Venison even though it was from our own Estate and exceedingly tender".
"Yes Sir and I know the evening meal was a great success."
"Now Carson after all these occurrences remember the following morning when we were having Breakfast on the Terrace, the young Prince joined us and Lady Catherine inquired of her Husband "Is your Prick still throbbing from last night Darling?" You Carson were just at that moment serving the Coffee and you did not spill a drop..... That Carson is "APLOMB" :flatcap:
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A man goes to the doctors with a swelling on his forehead and the quack gives him some cream to rub on it. a week later he is back and the swelling is much bigger. the doctor sends him to the Infirmary and they take a biopsy from it. he goes back to his docs. for the results and the doctor says" You had better sit down, I have some bad news and some more bad news and some good news" the man asks for the first news "Well the specialists at the O.G.I. say they have never had any experience of this before, it seems this angry looking lump on your forehead has the same skin content as your scrotum and not to beat about the bush you are growing a Penis out of the front of your head ( his name was not Richard by the way) The patient nearly collapses and asks that the surgeons remove this swelling immediately. "Ah well" says the doctor "The problem with trying to remove it is that it is so near your brain that any attempt would result in your death" The shaken patient gasps "Well what's the good news?" The good news is that in a few months when it has grown you will not be able to see it. "A full grown Penis sticking out of my forehead and I won't see it, how do you work that out"? The quack says "Because with the Penis comes a pair of testicles which will slot rather neatly into each eye socket"
http://imagizer.imageshack.us/v2/xq90/856/t3wf.jpg (https://imageshack.com/i/nst3wfj)
:flatcap:
A man took his secretary to an hotel room for the afternoon and on the way home he noticed he had a love bite on his neck. thinking quickly when he came in the front door he immediatly dived on to the floor and wrestled with the new Labrador puppy. after a few minutes he called his wife "Honey just look what the little bugger has done to my neck, he really is a handful" his wife came in to the hall, stopped for a moment . then ripped open her blouse and said "Yes i know, just look what he did to me today"
:flatcap:
Rescuers searching for the missing Airliner in the South China Seas report they have found the Wings............................. Mr. and Mrs. Wing sat in their rowing boat were quoted. "We not see no Frucking Prane"
:flatcap:
kingbaker
29-03-2014, 11:35
I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
Ok pulling the plug in. 5.... 4...... 3... 2...... 1
Bye Bye Now!!!:p
I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.
One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about 72, sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to it!"-----
My wife said "there's a bloke knocking the front door with a beard", I said " no wonder I couldn't hear him"
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My mrs said to me "you only want sex when your drunk !!!"
"Not true" I replied " sometimes I want a kebab"
Irish Railwayman
The following is purported to be an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company (Iarnród Éireann).
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and indeed I think you are the ones who are confused in your history.
If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That... Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
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Irish Railwayman
The following is purported to be an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company (Iarnród Éireann).
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and indeed I think you are the ones who are confused in your history.
If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That... Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
The Pregnant Blonde
:flatcap:
The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy. I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, “LUCKY I have some really great news!"
I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!
I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins. Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said...
(You're going to love this)
“That was the easy part. I went to Superdrug and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!”
:flatcap:
trevorife2
06-04-2014, 15:10
Ive joined a reggae band .. My first gig is tonight and im playing the triangle..piece of cake all i have to do is standback and ting!!
I guess pebbles didn't like mondays either...
starling
08-04-2014, 14:48
Chinese Sex.............
While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his **** covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your ****”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”
The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”
“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. **** fall off by itself!”
:flatcap:
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find
water,
he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a
small
stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They
are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced fricken tie. I
need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than
that..
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said........"Your
brother won't let me in without a tie."
One for LUCKY.
A farmer from Yorkshire sees a bloke drinking from his stream and shouts,
"THA DUNT WANT TER BE DRINKIN' WATTER THRU THEER. IT'S FULL ON OSS P*** AN' COW S***E!!"
The bloke says, "I'm from London, can you speak a bit slower, please?"
The farmer replies," IF-YOU-USE-TWO-HANDS-YOU-WON'T - SPILL - ANY.."
starling
15-04-2014, 08:00
One for LUCKY.
A farmer from Yorkshire sees a bloke drinking from his stream and shouts,
"THA DUNT WANT TER BE DRINKIN' WATTER THRU THEER. IT'S FULL ON OSS P*** AN' COW S***E!!"
The bloke says, "I'm from London, can you speak a bit slower, please?"
The farmer replies," IF-YOU-USE-TWO-HANDS-YOU-WON'T - SPILL - ANY.."
You've cleaned that one up T shirt...... I'm from Yorkshire don't forget!
David Beckham gets into a taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear view mirror.
After about 5 minutes the driver says
"OK give me a clue"
Beckham says
"I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and got over a 100 caps for England, is that enough?"
Driver says
"No you thick ****, where do you want to go?"
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A Japanese couple are having a dialogue over ways of performing highly erotic sex.
Husband: "Sukitaki."
Wife replies: "Kowanini!"
Husband says: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"
Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"
Husband replies angrily: "Na miaou kina tim kouji!."
Incredible........and there you sit, reading this crap as if you understand Japanese.
I knew you would read anything if it was about sex. :lol:
"SCOTTISH COMPASSION"
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women on holiday from England , Wales and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man
The English Woman asked "Have you ever had a hug"
The man replied "NO" So she gave him a Hug and walked away
The Welsh Woman asked "Have you ever been Kissed"
Again he replied "NO" So she gave him a kiss and walked away
The Scottish Woman asked " ave ya ever been F****d Laddie"
Again he replied "NO" and blushed a little
The Scottish Woman then replied
"Aye well ya will be when the tides comes in"
kingbaker
17-04-2014, 14:00
"SCOTTISH COMPASSION"
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women on holiday from England , Wales and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man
The English Woman asked "Have you ever had a hug"
The man replied "NO" So she gave him a Hug and walked away
The Welsh Woman asked "Have you ever been Kissed"
Again he replied "NO" So she gave him a kiss and walked away
The Scottish Woman asked " ave ya ever been F****d Laddie"
Again he replied "NO" and blushed a little
The Scottish Woman then replied
"Aye well ya will be when the tides comes in"
Spunds like macdonald5 doesn't it:p:o:screwy::)
Malteser Monkey
17-04-2014, 14:17
Spunds like macdonald5 doesn't it:p:o:screwy::)
spunds like ....Lord man sawt that keyboard out !
macdonald5
17-04-2014, 17:02
Sounds like you kingbaker need to get some work :typing:
kingbaker
17-04-2014, 19:38
spunds like ....Lord man sawt that keyboard out !
macdonald5 abd @maltesermonkey:p:(
tsnk yius lafies I needed dat...slaggin me fat fongers ......usin' me smart add fone tankd:p
Malteser Monkey
17-04-2014, 19:54
@maltesermonkey
Can't even get this right:redcard::fpull:
kingbaker
17-04-2014, 20:31
Can't even get this right:redcard::fpull:
I ajolopise sost mincerely:D:(
starling
18-04-2014, 07:37
MURDER AT TESCO
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.
The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
You're going to hate me for this...
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ Tesco'
Oh, stop groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you!!!
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MURDER AT TESCO
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.
The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
You're going to hate me for this...
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ Tesco'
Oh, stop groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you!!!
kingbaker
18-04-2014, 07:46
Ive just called an airstrike for that one!!
Manny Cohen,s just died,the undertaker is with his widow making the funeral arrangements....................
Mrs.Cohen shall a put an announcement in the local paper,she thought for a moment and said yes,
put Manny,s dead,the undertaker replied you can put more than that don,t worry its all included
in the funeral package price she thought again a few moments then said put .
Manny,s dead.....volvo for sale.
starling
04-05-2014, 19:39
Subject: A BIT OF LAUGHTER
The Jewish Elbow
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........
"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
_______________________________________________
Wise Italian Grandfather
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,
"Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a
couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?
__________________________________________________ __
Irish blonde...
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled
the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"
She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,..... but all men...are men!
__________________________________________________ __
mike in chayofa
11-05-2014, 17:52
A MAN AND WOMAN WERE MARRIED FOR MANY YEARS
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout , "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbours feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
After the burial, her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked:
"Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for directions."
Duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's
pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you
doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn
more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his
bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids
the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to
town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says
to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck
that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer,
eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business
card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey
Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really
good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," Says the barman.
The circus?" Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"Replies the barman. "The circus?"
The duck asks again "With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in
the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ..........
"What would they want with a plasterer??!"
Three dead bodies turn up at a
London mortuary all with very big smiles on
their faces. The Coroner thought he should inform the Police to tell them what
has happened.
'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while
making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile said the
Coroner to the Police Inspector.
'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery.
Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'
'Ah,' said the Coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish,
30, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' said the Inspector.
'He thought he was having his picture taken'.
A Scotsman was on trial for having sexual relation with a cat. The trial started with the judge giving a not guilty verdict.
The prosecuting council immediately asked for an explanation as no evidence had been heard.
The judge announced that as a circuit judge for 30 years he had never known a Scotsman to put anything into a Kitty.
A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates... As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'
St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'
So the zebra went off in search of God.
When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'
God simply replied 'You are what you are.'
The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'
The zebra looked puzzled.. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''
St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes..'
The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'
'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is..'
As the search for missing plane MH370 remains a complete mystery, officials are now laying there hope on a Pakistani Submarine Commander from Newcastle to solve it
Gandeep Undawata is confident he can help.
Three men in an Navy recruiting office. An officer is sitting at a desk with a book and pen in front of him.
He calls the first man over.
"Alright son, what's your name?"
"McCoy, Sir." The officer writes it in the book.
"Okay, McCoy, what did you do in Civi Street?"
"I was a poof sir." The officer looks up in disgust.
"A poof! A flaming poof!"
"You don't understand sir, I worked in a glass factory, that was my job. To cool the glass off, I'd blow on it. POOF POOF."
"Alright McCoy. Go and wait over there." He points to the other side of the office and calls the next man.
"Alright son what's your name."
"McCoy sir."
"Are you related to him?"
"No sir."
"Okay McCoy what did you do in Civi street?"
"I was a poof sir."
"A poof! a flaming poof!" The officer looks in disgust.
"No sir, you don't understand. That was my job, I worked in a Candle factory and to cool the wax, I blew on it POOF, POOF."
The officer directs him to stand with the first man. He calls the third man over.
"Okay Son, What's your name?"
"McCoy." He replies in a very camp tone.
"You related to either of those two?"
"No sir."
"Alright McCoy, what did you do in Civi street?"
"I was a poof sir"
"Don't tell me, you worked in a Glass factory?"
"No sir."
"You worked in a candle factory?"
"No. I'm the real McCoy."
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."
"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive
A Romanian, an Arab, and a Yorkshire Lass are in the same bar.
When the Romanian Finishes his beer, He throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In Romania our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The Yorkshire Lass, Cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Romanian and the Arab.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill,
She says, 'In Yorkshire, We have so many Illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
God Bless Yorkshire!!
Ecky Thump
05-06-2014, 21:24
Two Irish lads (obviously Pat & Mick) are drinking in a bar and Pat says to Mick "I had my way with that blonde lass that I met last night"
Mick replies to him and says
"will you be seeing her again later tonight?" "No!"says Pat, "I think she is a girl of lose morals"
"What makes you think that?" Says Mick and Pat replies with a sad face
"I saw her knickers when she took them off and on the back it said.......NEXT!!
One for Angusjim and Ecky Thump :)
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus
was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't miss Bruce The
Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge
willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty
swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot
was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little
town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and
the same sign 'Don't miss Bruce The Amazing
Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less
still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was
illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three
coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted
his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three
swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him
after the show.
'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman.
'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from
walnuts to coconuts?
'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nay whit they used tae
be!!!!!!!!!'
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,
But they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married,
So Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
And I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10..
Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room.
It's bigger than mine
And we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance,
Jenny makes five bucks a week
And I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
So that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed
Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well Bruce,
It seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have
Little children
Of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable.
On average british couples have sex 2 to 3 times a week, whereas Japanese couples have sex 2 or 3 times a month , I have found this quite upsetting news as I had no idea I was Japanese
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My wife text me : I've just found out you've been sleeping with another women you cheating ba$+~rd !! I've taken all my things and I'm going back to my moms !!
I text back : ok il see you when you get here
The teacher asked the class to use the word fascinate .
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating”.
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
“fascinate, not fascinating”.
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and
I was fascinated”.
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to
use the word fascinate”.
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate”
so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ' working girls ' and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection..
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of,
"Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ..... UGH! " " Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!"
"Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ..... UGH!" This goes on for the whole hour.
Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, " How did it go?"
The first mutters, " It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection."
The second dwarf shook his head. " You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed."
I've only been going to Liars Anonymous for a week and they've made me president...........:laugh:
Colleen Rooney and her two sons have flown out to rio to film ' an idiot abroad'
Santiago
19-06-2014, 21:48
How To get to Heaven from Scotland ?
I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school
class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my
Car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
Money to the church, would that get me
Into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
The garden and kept everything tidy, would
That get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was 'No!'
By now I was starting to smile.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
Gave sweets to all the children and
Loved my husband, would that get me
Into heaven?"
Again, they all answered 'No!'
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A six year old boy shouted, wait for it -
"Yuv got tae be dead"
Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir eye...
come on "ENGLAND" have i posted this in the wrong thread:crazy:
come on "ENGLAND" have i posted this in the wrong thread:crazy:
Apparently not ... :football::airplane::snooze:
Tributes are pouring in for Scotland , after the whole nation died laughing at England in the World Cup !
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Breaking news : England have just draughted in Ronnie O'Sullivan for the Costa Rica game , they are that many points behind they need snookers
Back to the proper jokes as much as england have been and are a joke.. football wise ....
Queensland.... Australia
The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Queensland and I need some help.
If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
Through a scheduling mix up, a man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
It's late, the train is full, and everyone else is already asleep. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket.
A conservative spokesman was asked what he thought about ukip's success in the local elections .
"F!!king ukip !" he replied " coming round here stealing our jobs!!!"
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The 2022 World Cup will be held in Qatar , a country where you cannot drink alcohol .
Ironically This will be one World Cup the scots will qualify for !
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Sylvester Stallone has converted to Islam ,
He now wants to be known as Ramadambo
In church I heard an old lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer.
It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:
Dear Lord,
It has been tough in recent years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite musician Michael Jackson.
My favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.
And now my favourite singer Whitney Houston.
I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are Alex Salmond, Nicola Sturgeon, Harriet Harman, and Ed Balls.
Amen
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Alex Salmond was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr. Salmond if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So the illustrious SNP leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."
"Incorrect", said Alex, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too- patronising-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"
'I'm afraid not', explained Alex, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Alex searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and your deputy ' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Alex, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either!"
Nytehawk
24-06-2014, 21:58
The silent treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving eachother the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning businessflight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote ona piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM ' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM andhe had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor
for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great
and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute
and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a seas
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his
walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the
beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
Just had an Irish mixed grill !! New potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes, waffles and hash browns with chips.
Got a text saying: "Congratulations you have won either £1000 cash or tickets to see Elvis Presley.
Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show......."
A man walks into a crowded bar with a loaded gun and shouts "who's been f****** my wife?" - voice in the back shouts "
You don't have enough bullets".....
My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive. Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for.
Scouser went to court accused of having sex with a cat. The judge dismissed the case saying that in his 30 years as a judge he'd never known a scouser put anything into a kitty!
A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore ****. He goes to the shop and says to the shopkeeper "nah then, does tha' sell **** cream?"
The shopkeeper replies "That we do Lad, does tha' want a Magnum or a Cornetto?"
My wife is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help".
So I sent her a timetable.
I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else.
My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs. Does he make a song and dance about it? Does he hell!
Skippy the bush kangaroo has come forward today after years of silence......
https://clightnirish.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/skippy.jpg
She say's not only did Rolf Harris tie her down but the dirty b****** went on to sing about it
kingbaker
01-07-2014, 11:10
Dear oh Dear!!:confused:
One for our Scottish members ;)
Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.
"Wee Jimmy (a typical Scottish skally wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff an' that. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me."
Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what Your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country? 'Wee Jimmy shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front.
Teacher: "Yes, Jeremy" Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy his inauguration speech in 1960."
Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday.
"The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jimmy is even more determined. Teacher: "Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'
"Wee Jimmy's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know, Me Miss, me Miss!"
Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."Timothy (in a very, very posh, English accent):"The answer is Winston Churchill, his 1941 Battle of Britain speech."
Teacher: "Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."
The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jimmy is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee plastic chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.
Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?"
Wee Jimmy's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!" Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert. "Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent): "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, the first moon landing."
Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday"
Wee Jimmy is raging and loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "Fur ****s sake, where did all these English *******s come from?" Teacher, looking round the class: "Who said that?"
Wee Jimmy grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door and states,
"Sir William Wallace, Battle of Falkirk, July 1298, See youse on fuk'in Tuesday!!"
One for you KB
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.' The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together. 'The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.' The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. 'Oh, no, ' he says, 'Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!
Malteser Monkey
03-07-2014, 09:50
Next week's Animal Hospital where Rolf explains how to handle a young beaver has apparently been cancelled
For LUCKY
5503
Tha med mi laff hovor here at Lower GDS.
Cheers Ted:flatcap::moped:
Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favourite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.
He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.
Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared. "Thanks, old chap. You have freed me from thousands of years of metaphysical imprisonment," said the Genie. “As a reward I shall grant you one wish."
"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."
They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me..?" the Prince asked.
The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like..?"
The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.
"I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles,showing
the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla." He showed
the genie the second photo. "You see Camilla isn't quite as beautiful, but do you think you can make her as beautiful as Diana..?"
The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said,
"Let's have another look at that dog."
Ecky Thump
09-07-2014, 11:53
I JUST LOVE THESE IRISH JOKES.
Three dead bodies turn up at the Dublin mortuary,
all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman,
60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress.
Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.
'Second body:
Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25,
won £50,000 on the lottery.
Spent it all on whisky.
Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'
'Ah,' says the coroner,
'this is the most unusual one.
Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
'He thought he was having his picture taken'.
--
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.
Graeme, the old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?'
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis-shaken, not stirred-and says, 'That'll be 10p each, please.'
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40p, please.' They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet. Finally one of them says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?'
'I'm a retired tailor,' the bartender says, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer-it's all the same.'
'Wow! That's some story!' one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'
The bartender says, 'They're retired people from Yorkshire. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.'
http://youtu.be/SXLcxKFYTpc
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Irish Sawmill Accident
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital..
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.
I almost caught someone sleeping with my wife yesterday but he dived out of the window as I burst into the bedroom , after shouting at my wife and calling her a dirty so and so I chased after him ,
"He went that way" said my mate Dave pointing into next doors garden
"Cheers mate" I replied scaling the fence
"And put some bloody clothes on you'll catch your death"
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An old couple are getting ready to go to bed when the old lady bursts out of the bathroom flings open her dressing gown and yells
"SUPER PUSSY"
The old man replies
" I'll have the soup"
A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Qantas from Sydney to Auckland.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,
“If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs,
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did”.
"Well then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Qantas always pulls out on time,
and ask her explain that to you."
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife.
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy.
Ecky Thump
21-07-2014, 10:46
A golfer hits his ball into a garden close to the course,
As he goes to get it, the owner of the house shouts "stay out, this is private property!"
The golfer replies "sorry, may I go and get my ball?"
"No" replies the owner "it's mine now"
The golfer calmly walks to his cart, picks out another ball and lobs it into the mans garden,
"Why did you do that?" the man asked
The golfer looks up and says......
"Because I'm a golfer, a gentleman and I think every Pr##k should have two balls!!"
Tom goes to the doctors with a headache
The doctor said: "Tom the good news is I can cure headaches. The bad news is it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Tom was shocked and depressed, but rather than dwell on his misfortune too long, he decided to undergo the necessary surgery as quickly as possible.
When he left the hospital after the operation, it was the first time in twenty years that he didn't have a headache. Although only too aware that an important part of him was missing, he resolved to make a fresh start and, spotting a clothes shop, decided to go in.
Entering the shop, he told the elderly tailor: "I'd like a new suit."
The tailor eyed him briefly and said: "Let's see . . . size 44 long."
Tom laughed: "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business sixty years," smiled the tailor.
Tom tried on the suit. It fitted perfectly.
As Tom admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked: "How about a new shirt?"
"Sure. Why not?" said Tom.
The tailor eyed him before announcing: "34 inch sleeve and 16 neck."
"Incredible!" said Tom. "Your right again. How did you know?"
"Been in the business sixty years," smiled the tailor.
Tom tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly. As he adjusted the collar in the mirror, the tailor sensing he was on a roll, asked: "How about new shoes?"
"Sure," said Tom.
The tailor glanced at Tom's feet. "Hmm, nine and a half E, I think."
"That's right!" exclaimed Tom. "How did you know?"
"Been in the business sixty years," said the tailor.
Tom tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly. As Tom walked comfortably around the shop, the tailor, keen for another sale, asked: "How about some new underwear?"
Tom thought for a second and said: "Sure."
The tailor stepped back, eyed Tom's waist and said: "Let's see . . . size 36."
Tom laughed. "Ah! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was eighteen years old."
The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." :doh:
------------------------
Ecky Thump
22-07-2014, 10:43
One for kingbaker
IRISH JOB INTERVIEW
Mick had applied for a fermentation operator post, at a famous Irish firm, based in Dublin.
A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Mick and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Polish man the job."
Mick said, "And why would you be doing that?
We both got 19 questions correct."
"This being Ireland and me being Irish, surely I should get the job."
The Manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
Mick exclaimed, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.'
You put down,
“Neither do I.”
:cheeky:
kingbaker
22-07-2014, 12:06
Wisnae me:ashamed::ashamed::ashamed::ashamed::ashamed::cr ylaughing::bowdown::fpull::fpull::fpull:
Ecky Thump
22-07-2014, 13:59
7 days of laughter.....
MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that
her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug
her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.
Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No ****?'
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
‘Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw,
he could fly.'
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.'
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'
A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey.
When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked. "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replied. "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete." The bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" The cowboy asked.
"Well," said the bartender.
"He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"Weird guy!" Exclaimed the cowboy.
"What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling." eek2:
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https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/t1.0-9/10511127_478197125617137_4111960202427689700_n.jpg
A Bar In Dublin...
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit and, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar she asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied,
"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows. 'Thirty euros,' she whispers. Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only thirty euros. So they hid in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is the police. 'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop. 'I'm making love to me wife,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed. 'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.' 'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!'
Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.
Not long afterwards, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."
"But we’re only privates," protests Paddy.
"We’re Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."
"But we're privates," says Paddy.
"You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!"
So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."
Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big Thumbs Up.
Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.
Mick says to Paddy, "Why did you give me the thumbs up?"
"Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates and we're Lance Corporals now! "
As my flatmate Paddy headed towards the front door this morning, I said to him, "Where the **** are you going dressed like that?"
"To Dave's fancy dress party," he replied. "I'm a tortoise."
I said, "His party is not until tomorrow night!"
He said, "I know, but I'm a tortoise.
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by
feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is
attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything...
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another
lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with
Mushy Bees
Ecky Thump
31-07-2014, 17:14
The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2014!!
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A Scottish lorry driver was driving along on the M8 and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his lorry gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The police man gets out of his car and walks up to the driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The lorry driver says, 'No pal, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of effing diesel.
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2014!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
So, there this really friendly, jolly little penguin who decides to go out for a drive in his car. Just as he drives past the garage, his car goes 'bang' and grinds to a halt.
Disappointed, he goes into the garage and asks the mechanic to have a look at it for him. The mechanic agrees, but says it'll be a couple of hours.
Penguin thanks him and decides to go into the town. When he gets there, he sees the cinema is showing a great film, so in he goes.
As with every penguin that goes to the cinema, he has a drink and some popcorn. Then he has an ice cream, but being a penguin, he gets in a bit of a mess, as you'd expect.
Anyway, several hours later, he goes back to the garage for his car.
The garage mechanic does that funny noise they make when your car is knackered and says to the penguin 'it looks like you've blown a seal'.
Astonished, the penguin stammers 'no no no, it was just an ice cream.....!'
kingbaker
01-08-2014, 16:35
Dear!! oh Dear!! :confused::confused::confused:;):(:D:p
Ecky Thump
02-08-2014, 12:47
Predictively another Irish one for kingbaker
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.
But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy
"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a mir….
Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"
mike in chayofa
04-08-2014, 20:20
MURDER AT TESCO
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
(You're going to hate me for this...)
ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ Tesco
HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting.
Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip.
It will be my first one, - and I can't wait!
--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
----------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.
--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives...........Twice.
Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the Father, "Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me." The Father said, "Tell me who the lady was." The lad said he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did. "Was it Mollie O'Grady?" asked the Father." "No." "Was it Rosie Kelly?" "No." "Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?" "No." "Well then," said the Father, "You'll not be forgiven." When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness." "No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"
Lesson 1 :
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
Lesson 2 :
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..'
Poof! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 3
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
Lesson 5
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who *****s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of ***** is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep *****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.
___________________________________________
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An Irish daughter had not been home for over three years.
Upon her return, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"
The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Dad.....I was too embarrassed, I became a prostitute."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless hussy! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."
"OK, Daddy...as ye wish...I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a eight bedroom mansion plus a $5 million cheque.
For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex.
And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club.
She takes a breath and continues, "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean .."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.
Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a feckin' PROTESTANT.
Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."
Shipwrecked Welshman
A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
Ecky Thump
15-08-2014, 19:03
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it,
and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out that he was a furniture dealer!:lol:
THE BLONDE MORTICIAN
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)
PREGNANT AT 71
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded.
"Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,
"Does she still have the hiccups?"
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio
table..
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to
him.....
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the
insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes.."
John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse filthy vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly.
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
mike in chayofa
21-08-2014, 15:23
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• This dyslexic man walks into a bra.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
• I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
Ecky Thump
21-08-2014, 18:21
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Got him a Fosters ...... he didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Bass ale.
By the time we got down to the whisky,
I could hardly push the bloody pram.
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 66.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 76.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road
DATING IN THE 60s. Remember those days?
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1963, and James
had a date with Annabella.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Annabella's mother said as she welcomed
James.
'Have a seat in the sitting room.. Would you like something to
drink? Lemonade? Tea?'
'Tea, please,' James said. Mum brought the tea.
'So, what are you and Annabella planning to do tonight?' she asked
interestedly.
'Oh, probably go to the flicks and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the
coffee bar, perhaps have a walk on the beach afterwards.'
'Annabella likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.
'Really?' James gasped, surprised to say the least.
'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's
all they do!'
'Is that so?' asked James, incredulously.
' Oh yes,' she said..
'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Phew! Well, thanks for the tip!' James said as he began thinking about
alternative plans for the evening.
A moment later, Annabella came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture,
wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt
and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted James.
'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Annabella burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
'The Twist, Mum!' she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen.
'The bloody dance is called the Twist!'
Paddy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an
unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in
a little white box.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he
would start off the relationship by taking his new pet to the pub for a
drink with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go down the pub with me today?. I want to show yer te me
mates! We will have a good time fer sure."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,
"How about going down the pub with me ?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
Paddy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's box and shouted,
"Hey, in there, yer useless git!
Fer the last time ,would you like to go to the pub with me?
This timea little voice came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time!
I 'm putting my bloody shoes on!"
Thursday night he gradually came to….
Stiff as a board and in pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident.
The nurse gave him a deep and steady heartfelt look straight in the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
He somehow managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your boobs then?”
NOW THAT'S A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!!
Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike
is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain.' (true)
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked.
Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks.
Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom.
'She's got a great body,' he thinks.
So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.
After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is
pleasantly beaming.
But still.... Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouted.
I'll do the ****in dishes..!!
:flatcap:
:flatcap:
Lucky Survivor
Old Firm supporters are nothing if not widely travelled and they have a habit of turning up in the furthest-flung corners of the world, even (believe it or not) in places where they don't play football. The story is told of a merchant ship somewhere off the coast of Australia which was summoned by radio to go to the assistance of an airliner that had been forced to ditch in the sea. When the ship arrived at the scene the crew were horrified to find that every one of the unfortunate passengers had been eaten by sharks. All, that is, except one wee man seen floating in the water clinging to a piece of wreckage. He was thrown a line and duly hoisted aboard, where he lay on the deck exhausted, clad only in his underpants. The captain looked on as his medical officer attended to the half-conscious survivor. 'Now that's what I call a lucky man,' he said, 'I wonder what quirk of fate decided that he was the only one to live?'
His first mate, a man from Govan, was quick to come up with the answer.
'That's easy. See that tattoo on his chest?'
The captain examined the tattoo. 'What does it say? . . . Glasgow Celtic, best in Europe.'
The first mate shrugged. 'There ye are. No even a shark wid swallow that.'
starling
29-08-2014, 17:17
DUCKS IN HEAVEN!!!
Three women die together in an accident and
go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says,'We
only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,There are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them,The
first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever
saw.St.Peter chains them together and says,'Your
punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day,The second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.He
them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this
and, not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is
very,VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one
day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes
on.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says,' wonder what I did to deserve being
Chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says,'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a
Duck.
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'
'What skill?' yelled Paddy.. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says:
'Yep, diesel fitter.'
Ecky Thump
05-09-2014, 19:10
Giggle of the day
An Irishman went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my
last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three
Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irishman entered the confessional. 'Father,
it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with
Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the
sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered
the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she
slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny
emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress
and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart,
but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered,...... 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly
reply, ..........'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes!!
Non Political from me .....
The Queen is in Glasgow and she bumped into Alex Salmond.
HMQ: How nice to see you Mr Salmond.
AS: Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when
we win Independence? How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll be a King?
HMQ: No, we don’t like that.
AS: Empire, and I'll be Emperor?
HMQ: No.
AS: Alright, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a Prince?
HMQ: No Mr Salmond, I suggest we call it a Country.
Council and housing association complaints
The following are real extracts from actual complaint letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK. What a literate bunch we Brits truly are!
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage, and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his **** wakes me up, and its now getting too much for me.
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get BBC2.
My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it,
… and he’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
... that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
Ecky Thump
16-09-2014, 10:09
The Pope’s Illness
The Pope was very ill, and nobody could cure him.
The cardinals called in an old physician recommended to them. After an hour long examination, he came up with a solution.
“I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The bad news: The Pope has a rare testicular disorder.
The good news: He can be cured…..with sex.”
The cardinals, not happy with the cure, explain the situation to the Pope.
“I’ll agree to it,” says the Pope, ”but under four conditions.”
The cardinals were shocked. ”What are the four conditions?” asks one.
”First, the girl must be blind, so she cannot see with whom she is having sex.
Second, she must be deaf, so she cannot hear with whom she is having sex.
Third, she must be dumb, so if she somehow figures out with whom she is having sex,.. she can tell no one.”
After a long pause, a cardinal asks,
“And the fourth condition?”
”Very Big tits!"
starling
01-10-2014, 09:47
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• This dyslexic man walks into a bra.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
• I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
Paddy and Mick looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though.
Her clothes arrived yesterday!!
Sharon Osbourne is quoted as saying that she's not going to reconcile with Ozzy until he proves to her that he can stay sober.
After hearing this, Ozzy said ...
"Who's Sharon Osbourne?"
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I bought my new Super Car Stereo today. It's voice activated.
If I shout, "Country," it plays Dolly Parton.
If I shout, "Rock," it plays Guns and Roses.
And if I shout Pavarotti it will play Classical.
I was driving through my town the other day when some children ran out in front of me.
I shouted, "****ING KIDS..!" and it totally knackered it, it didn’t know whether to play Gary Glitter or Rolf Harris.
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A blonde decides to get a porno movie, so she goes to the store and picks one with a fairly dirty title.
When she puts the DVD in and presses 'PLAY,' the screen is fuzzy and nothing is going on.
Frustrated, she calls the store about the movie. They ask her what the title is, and she replies, "Head Cleaner".
THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?'
£124,237.64p.'
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat Department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no... He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady Friend
And I said... 'Well, since your weekend's buggered mate, you might as well go Fishing
:flatcap::flatcap:
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, George woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
"IT'S A BOY" I shouted. "A BOY! I DON'T BELIEVE IT... IT'S A BOY".
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast,
they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?'
Granny replies, f@@k the pills!! Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
Ecky Thump
08-10-2014, 16:37
ENLARGEMENT
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that!
I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the
pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to
walk all the way home.'
'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus
home.'
'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.
They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other
keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing?
Have ye not found one yet?'
'I can't find a No. 91'
'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye t'ick sod, take a No. 14 and we'll walk from the
roundabout.
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Saw an advert last night from Tetley Tea, it explained that the best Tea is made after agitating the bag. So this morning at breakfast I shouted "Oi Fatso 2 sugars in my tea please". Dunno what it tasted like
A flying insect came through my kitchen window and exploded !
I suspect it was a jihadi long legs !
Ecky Thump
11-10-2014, 16:44
Allah & The 72 Virgins
A suicide bomber died and went to heaven, as foretold. When he arrived there, he met Allah, and he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. And I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!"
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?
Ecky Thump
12-10-2014, 16:19
The bagpipes
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of
life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers
and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic
tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost..it's a man thing.
An old man goes to the barbers for a shave, he tells the barber he won't be able to get every whisker due to the wrinkles in his skin, so the barber gives the old man a small wooden ball to put in his mouth, stretching his skin, he then proceeds to give the old man the best shave of his life, "that's great" says the old man "but what would have happened if I had swallowed the ball?" The barber replies "you just bring it back in a few days like everyone else does"!
The Zimbabwe Cricket Board have just announced that they discovered ebola
in their cricket team, but this has not caused any concern since they also found ebatsman and efielda
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Paddy rushes to.the local vets with his Goldfish." HELP ME HELP ME"he screams. Rhe vet says to Paddy "Whatever seems to be wrong with the fish?" Paddy replies "I think it's suffering from Epilepsy". The vet takes a long hard look into the bowl "well it seems ok to me" he says. To which Paddy says " I've not taken it out of the bowl yet".
What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer.
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It is a touching story. Edna must be a wonderful person.
> This letter was sent to the Broken Hill High School Principal's office
> in Broken Hill, outback Australia after the school had sponsored a
> luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the
> lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you. This
> story is a credit to all humankind.
> Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today...
> Dear Broken Hill High School,
> God bless you for the beautiful wireless I won at your recent Senior
> Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the St Annes
> Nursing Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am
> all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a
> forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own
> wireless; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it
> belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep
> it safe. The other day her wireless fell off the nightstad and broke
> into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if
> she could listen to mine, and I was so overjoyed that I could tell
> her to f**k off.
> Thank you for that wonderful opportunity. God bless you all.
> Sincerely,
> Edna
Ecky Thump
15-10-2014, 14:02
The Parrot is dead!
At dawn the telephone rings,
"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new driver, the Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE..... LONG SILENCE... VERY LONG SILENCE.
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep ****."
Three Virgin Daugthers
3 virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.
> Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and
> made them all promise to
> send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first
> impressions of marital sex.
>
> The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The
> card said nothing but: “Nescafe”. Puzzled at first, Mum went to her
> kitchen and got out the
> Nescafe jar. It said: “Good till the last drop”. Mum blushed, but was
> pleased for her daughter.
>
> The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the
> wedding, and the card read: “Rothmans”. Mum now knew to go straight
> to her husband's
> cigarettes to read from the pack: “Extra Long. King Size”. She was
> again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
>
> The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand . Mum waited
> for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month
> passed; still nothing.. A card finally arrived from Auckland on which
> was written with shaky hand, “Air New Zealand “..
>
> Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages
> fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
>
> 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'
>
> MUM FAINTED !!!!!
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A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eyeing each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.
"Rear toilet?" he suggests. "Five minutes", she agrees and goes off. He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. "Right, get that condom on", she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.
But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what they are up to, So, she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system. "To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.
Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."
And what were you thinking?
I worry about you lot sometimes!
Postman Pat's last day
Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail
through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee,
he noticed a quid coin in the saucer.
'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the quid for?' 'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'. '
I asked him what I should give you'.
He said, F... him. Give him a quid.'
She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border...
The Italian Customs stops them and tells them:
"It's a illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile, look at ze papers: zis car is design to carry 5 persons ", the Germans retort unbelievingly.
"Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law".!", replies the Italian customs official.
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry", responds the Italian official, "He can'ta come. He's a busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
Feeding the Elephants
This is really funny about two women who are having a good time feeding an elephant. You don't have to understand Chinese to understand this one!!!
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=cf7_1356505998
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between
her knees, but still nothing..'
The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
Tshirt....this one's wasted on the younger members....Some of us are the right age....lol
Bloke goes on Mastermind.
Magnus says: What is your chosen subject?
Bloke says: Bonanza
Magnus apolologises and says I'm afraid we haven't got any on Bonanza...How about religion?
Bloke says: Ok I'll give it a go.
Magnus: According to the bible, who was the first man on earth?
Bloke thinks for a bit and say.."Little Joe"...
Magnus says: No, sorry it was Adam
Bloke says: Aww S**t, I knew it was one of the Cartwrights.....:laugh:
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS.
In no time at all they had me jetting from Country to Country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at Gatwick Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".
"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying *******... he's never been out of the f...ing garden......
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying
to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the
governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and
on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual,
he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak
in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he
dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client,
James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the
good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and
feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER
STOP?!'
Teacher - "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hoods girlfriend?"
Little Jonny - "Yes Miss, Trudy Glen"
Teacher - "No Jonny, the most popular answer would be Maid Marion!"
Little Jimmy - "But Miss, what about the song?
Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glen?"
kingbaker
31-10-2014, 20:43
Teacher - "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hoods girlfriend?"
Little Jonny - "Yes Miss, Trudy Glen"
Teacher - "No Jonny, the most popular answer would be Maid Marion!"
Little Jimmy - "But Miss, what about the song?
Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glen?"
:p:p:p:p:D:D:D:D
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying
to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the
governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and
on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual,
he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak
in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he
dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client,
James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the
good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and
feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER
STOP?!'
I did press the thanks button , this one deserves many :flatcap::flatcap::flatcap::flatcap::flatcap: Please convert FLATCAPS to stars on 20-1 ratio
Got this off Facebook, No4 and 9 made I larf
http://www.tickld.com/x/12-actual-questions-asked-in-a-newspaper-column
One for the Jocks:
David Cameron is visiting a Glasgow hospital.
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness,
He greets one.
The patient replies:
Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm.
Cameron is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The next patient responds:
Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit.
Even more confused he just grins and moves onto the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle
Now seriously troubled, Cameron turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'
No, replies the doctor, this is the serious Burns unit
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate
of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts
flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''
''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.
"Oh, so sad dear me..'' says the other.
''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''
''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such
curly hair when he was born.''
''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.
''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.
''And this is my third son. My baby My beautiful Ahmed. He would
have been 18'', she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he
first started school...''
''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully
at the photographs and,
searching for the right words, says .......
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you something...
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."
I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the maths!
Try this test and find out what movie is your favourite. This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of
The 18 films you would enjoy the most.
Don't ask me how, but it really works!
Movie Test:
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite movie in the list of 18 movies below.
Movie List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Sheep
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story
Now, ain't that something....?:D
kingbaker
05-11-2014, 21:24
Oi I think it should be in another thread:D
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger, Holly Madison said, "I have my own reality show and I am the smartest and prettiest woman at Playboy, so Americans don't want me to die." She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.
The second passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm the Sec of State, and a decorated war hero." So he grabbed the second pack and jumped.
The third passenger, Barack Obama said, "I am the President of the United States and I am the smartest ever in the history of our country, some even call me the 'Anointed One.'" So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.
The fourth passenger, Billy Graham said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life and served my God the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Graham. There's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag."
Retirement....
The longer you've been together, the funnier this becomes
An elderly couple were at home watching TV.
Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For god's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"
I bet you didn't see that coming...!!
A bloke walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'
I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
What's so special about it?'
The bloke explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers.'
The woman giggles and replies,
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!'
The bloke smiles, taps his watch and says
'Damn thing's an hour fast!'
starling
08-11-2014, 14:52
Scot and Greek
A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.
The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says,
"The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"
I was in a public toilet and had just sat down, when I heard a familiar sounding voice from the next cubicle, he said “Hi!, how are you?”
I said, “I’m doing fine”.
The familiar voice said “So what are you up to?”.
I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”.
From next door, “Can I come over?”.
Annoyed, I said, "rather busy right now”.
The voice said, “Listen, I will have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door answering all my questions"
Two Irish nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a bunch of rowdy
drunks pulls up alongside.
"Oi, get your tits out, you penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who
we are - show them your cross".
So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts, "Screw off you little
wankers, before I come over there and rip your balls off"!
Sister Immaculata looks across to an open-mouthed Mother Superior and asks,
"Was that cross enough?"
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Walking On The Grass
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
This level of sensitivity can't be taught.
Old but still makes me smile:lol:
Some nuns are renovating a church and getting very hot and sweaty.
The Mother Superior suggests they take off their clothes and work naked.
The nuns agree but bolt the church door as a precaution.
They’ve all stripped down when there’s a knock at the door.
‘Who is it?’ says the Mother Superior. A voice replies, ‘It’s the blind man!’
The Mother Superior opens the door and the man says, ‘Hey, Sister, nice tits. Where do you want these blinds?
starling
14-11-2014, 18:34
Just a few Tim Vine one liners, love him or hate him. I love him
I read them in Tommy Cooper’s voice …. Even better!!
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
I was looking for the directions for Radio 1 in London, and a guy pointed me in the direction of the building. I said: “That’s not a building, that's a cloud!” He said: “Down a bit…”
I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Draculas house… I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.
I want to tell you a bit about myself.. I’m a very quiet and secretive person, and that’s it really.
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.
My mate bet with me that I’d never eat at a barbeque with Matthew Corbett – I said, that’s a Sweep-Stake!
A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!
So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”
What do you call a lady with big teeth that sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen.
I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing – serves him right.
I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up!”
Ellen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Ellen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Ellen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!
Ellen got up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused. The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.
Can you do this?'
Bob thought for a moment and replied,
'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,
but on Fridays, I play golf."
Irish Declare War On France.
The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr Hollande!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Hollande replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Hollande paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr Hollande, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Hollande asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Hollande sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr Hollande, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Hollande, was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr Hollande, I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Hollande. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners!
kingbaker
20-11-2014, 21:37
Bravo!! Bravo!!:p:p
Wott was that advert?
'' 200 almost new French Automatic Rifles only dropped once''
:p:p:D:D:D:D
starling
21-11-2014, 14:51
Three women, two younger and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. One of the young women pressed her forearm, and the beep stopped. The other looked at her questioningly. “That was my pager,” she said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”
The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The older woman finally said…
“Well, will you look at that…I’m getting a FAX”
—
Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit van when suddenly Fiona (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oh, fat boy, whip me, whip me!"
Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits that, "Yes, I did."
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
http://i1280.photobucket.com/albums/a485/Ted4104/10647207_784495198274879_847758438136192841_n_zpsf b0086b2.jpg
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night just celebrating.
Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'..
Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'.
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off and falls flat on his face.
'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.
'Shoite, Shoite !'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes
a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the path and falls flat on his face.
'Bi'Jasus... I'm fecked,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No feckin' way' but crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'.
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says '**** it' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'
Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was feckin' ******. But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'
"TRUTHS" - Check these out!
1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.
2.We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
3.Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
4.Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
5.Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken,Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
6. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit…A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
"Life is too important to be taken seriously" - OscarWilde
starling
10-12-2014, 11:22
> > you can now get insurance for sex in uk !!
> > so make sure you get the correct, insurance for the sex you are
> > having.
> >
> > please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:-
> >
> > sex with your wife - legal & general.
> > sex on the telephone - direct line
> > sex with your partner - standard life
> > sex with someone different - go compare
>
> sex with a lady of generous> proportions - more than
>
> sex on the back seat of a car - sheila's > wheels
>
> sex with a prostitute - commercial union
>
> sex with your maid - > employer's liability
>
> sex with an oap - saga
>
> sex resulting in > pregnancy - general accident and finally
>
> sex with a transvestite - > confused. Com
>
> > make sure you are adequately covered!!
starling
12-12-2014, 12:54
Man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No" so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No" so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said "'ave ya ever been foocked, laddie?" The man broke into a big smile and said "No". She said "Aye, well yae will be when the tide comes in..."
kingbaker
12-12-2014, 13:22
Today Ecky Thump is bringing his grandchildren up to the graveyard.......to show them where Santa is buried:laugh::laugh::crylaughing::crylaughing:
Subject: Christmas Day
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of."
The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golf course --'
She said, "Don't forget your hat."
I had a mate who always wanted to be run over by a train. When it finally happened he was chuffed to bits[emoji1]
My iPod wouldn't synch so I changed it's name to Titanic, it's OK now [emoji4]
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive More than a day or two..'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it Out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see Yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
Shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he
Fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's appendage. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was Sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my appendage in the right place, it can Give Life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get The hell out of here!'
God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on..
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over the lounge suite and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he couldn’t control himself and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in heaven", said God........
The woman replied: " And they're not too happy about it in IKEA either!"
[emoji4]
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson .
And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Kevin's hooker.":cheeky:
starling
30-12-2014, 14:23
Blonde On A Plane
A FLIGHT ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN
ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN
ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO ".
kingbaker
09-01-2015, 12:23
Any new jokes please?
Yer becoming slackers!!! :p:p
Any new jokes please?
Yer becoming slackers!!! :p:p
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
“One of these days I’m going to get help for my procrastination problem.”
“The best part about procrastination is that you are never bored, because you have all kinds of things that you should be doing.”
kingbaker
09-01-2015, 17:09
Wotta sense of humour!! :p:p
NOT!!:p
"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well".
"I'm a big believer in putting things off, In fact, I even put off procrastinating".
"I'm plan to be spontaneous tomorrow”
A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am so sorry Harry.
I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you know.
I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Bloody auto-correct, I meant "wifi", not "wife"...sorry.
A bartender was washing the glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman then looked towards the end of the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if it was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser, who swaggered into the bar and yelled, "Barkeep', gis us a lager dere la! Hey, is dat dat God's Boy down dere?" The barkeeper nodded, so the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out of the door. Jesus went up and touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Italian then felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out of the door. Jesus then walked towards the Scouser, but
the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't you f**kin touch me! I'm on Disability!"
A 6 year old grandson that was shopping with his grandfather got lost in the shopping centre.
The boy approached a uniformed security guard and said, “I’ve lost my grandad!”
The guard asked, “What’s his name?” The boy replied, “Grandad.”
The guard smiles, then asks “What’s he like?”
To which the little tyke hesitated for a moment and replied,
“Jack Daniels and women with big tits!!
kingbaker
12-01-2015, 17:31
Dear oh Dear oh Dear!!:D
Dear oh Dear oh Dear!!:D
Dont use the "D word" KB......You know it frightens the jocks....:laugh:
starling
12-01-2015, 21:37
"Lexophilia is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
.. A will is a dead giveaway
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
.. When you've seen one shopping cent re you've seen a mall.
.. Police were summoned to a daycare cent re where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's
all right now.
.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
.. He had a photographic memory which was never fully developed.
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the twisted crop:
... Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN...IT IS CHEAP MEDICINE.
kingbaker
12-01-2015, 21:41
UGH......I don't feel well:confused::confused:
A Texan walks into a pub in Temple Bar, Dublin and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Dubliners are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Dub. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Dub tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Dub the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Dub replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
Ecky Thump
13-01-2015, 16:49
The Yellow Toad.
So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda
p*****d off because he doesn't want to be yellow.
Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads...
He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway.... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.
"Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads" he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"
"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: "Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he is brown!
Except..... for his weenie, which was still yellow.
"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"
"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says,
"You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."
So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes, okay, it's a coincidence, but it's true).
"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with a purple bear on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."
Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand.
"Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here" she says and with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple..
"Hold up sweetheart!" he says to the fairy Godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"
"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."
"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"
"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off.............
you know what's coming don't you ?
She flew off, saying.........
Just Follow the Yellow-Prick Road!
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and
take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."
Ecky Thump
16-01-2015, 19:03
The Last Kiss
Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
Its still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!:wink:
************************************************** *****************
I was in Spec Savers today,guess who i bumped into---?
Everybody ---!!
yeah.... i know..:wink:
Ecky Thump
16-01-2015, 20:44
Thomas The Tank.
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'
She hears the little boy continue,
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
'For those of you who are ****** off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.
An aging but still virile
Italian gentlemen named Giuseppe was relaxing at his favorite
bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular and very attractive
young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back
to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom
where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with
a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and
replied, "No."
Surprised, Giuseppe reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time
she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex
finally ended and, again, Giuseppe smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to
him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,
Giuseppe reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his
strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming,
bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Giuseppe fell
onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her
eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to
speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear... "No, I Norwegian
Ecky Thump
17-01-2015, 11:52
Agnes and the toy factory.
There is a factory in Northern Ireland which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Agnes is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Agnes surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Agnes.
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles. :)
Three Dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said, "So why are you Here?”
The Yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I **** on everything. The sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids, but the final straw was last night when I ****** in the middle of my owner's' bed.”
The Black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do? “
"Gonna Cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down.”
The Yellow Lab said to the Black Lab, "Why are you here, then?”
The Black Lab said, "I'm a Digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my Owners''s couch."
"So what are they going to do to You?" the Yellow Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I just want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and she was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?”
The Great Dane said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
Ecky Thump
18-01-2015, 16:44
Viagra
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician
to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said...'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...
'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and
call me in a week to let me know how things went...'
It was a week later when she called the doctor, who
directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his
pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying,
ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the
tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex
your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years !
But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show
me face in Starbucks again
Female Compassion
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have
18 hours left to live maybe we could make love again?'
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.
He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.'
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny...
..but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.
Sid asks Abe, "Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born
and raised in Mexico ?"
Abe replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks." He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."
Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies,
"I check once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that
there are no Jews in Mexico . Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there
is no Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter.
"All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and
Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews."
Sorry KB
Subject: FW: Paddy and Mick,
Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your plane!"
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says "You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"
Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your **** if you get a dodgy one!
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman who’s head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said
"I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, From London!"
Ecky Thump
23-01-2015, 13:37
Latest Political TV News Flash
Radical Islam is taking hold in Scottish Highlands and Islands!!
Under the influence of spiritual leader Mullah Kintyre
starling
23-01-2015, 18:19
Subject: The 6 affairs...
Just a reminder !!
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He then put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying *******!
You've been playing golf again!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified to see the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
‘Not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.
'I have something here
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, Is 'Schwartz dead!'
6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
Ms.Benz..
A businessman in the first class cabin asked the drop dead gorgeous flight attendant,
Whats your name Miss..
Angela Benz sir,
Business man.. Lovely name any relation to Mercedes Benz..
Yes sir very close
Businessman...How close
Attendant.... Same Price.........
I have just read where on average, British men will have sex two to three
times a week, whereas a Japanese man will only have sex once or twice a
year. sometimes never !!
This is deeply distressing and upsetting news to me, as I had no idea I was
Japanese.
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a table in a pub
when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate
were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Pat: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Pat: - Er ... mmm ...... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Pat: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town,
if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ...... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume
that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married? And with a family?
Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?
Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Pat: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish,
I've told you about your sex life!
Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.
Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Seamus: - What's that then?
Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Seamus: - Nope
Pat: - Well then, you’re a wanker
starling
27-01-2015, 09:10
Subject: Winter Fuel allowance
A bit late but there is some truth in it!!
About this time of the year, older taxpayers will again be
receiving
another ' Winter Fuel' payment once we've had a couple of weeks of
decently cold weather. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and
I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel' payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it and only if you're old enough.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and
electricity or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the
economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K.
economy by spending your ' Winter Fuel' cheque wisely:
* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to
China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka
* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs
* If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan or China
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico,
Honduras and Guatemala
* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea
* If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan
* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to
management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on prostitutes
4. Buying beer or whisky
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed
prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and
night!
No need to thank me...just glad I could be of help.
Ecky Thump
27-01-2015, 13:07
HOW IS NORMA?
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302.."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in room 302,
No one tell me **** here!
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
An armed hold-up man bursts into a Bank and forces the cashier to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door with the loot a brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the cashiers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber.
There are a few moments silence, just then another customer still looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:
'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse....'
As usual, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing their abilities in the bedroom and talking about screams of passion.
The Italian said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop, for five minutes."
The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes."
The Englishman said:
That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? .........wow! That's phenomenal. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
The Englishman replied:
"I wiped my hands on the curtains."
I was standing in a bar in Glasgow Cross yesterday and this wee Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
I said to him, "Do ye know ony of thae martial arts thingys, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, why the fruck yoo ask me dat? Iss coz I Chinee, huh?"
"Och No", I say, "It's because yer drinkin' ma f**kin beer, ya squinty eyed wee *******!!"
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers. He’s my right-hand man, and he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to **** off."
A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a
voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Marine is better than ten Isis
fighters". The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune
where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred Isis
"S.O.B.s". Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the
dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again
silence.
The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand Isis
fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to
the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and
cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought .... Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with
his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men... it's a trap.
There's two of them.
Getting Old
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's **** anymore.
.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while ...
.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
*
*And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
*
1. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older than to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the top dog; some days you're the lamp post.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm "here after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
This was very alarming to me, but it does explain a lot!!
Beer contains female hormones!
Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 pints of beer within a one hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!
My new girlfriend’s car got a flat tyre as we were on our way for her to meet my parents.
I called them up and said,
“Sorry Mum,
I’m going to be late, my girlfriend’s got a puncture.”
“Oh John!” she sighed.
“I thought you had a real one this time.
I was on a train this morning, in the loo, when a voice called out
"Can I see your ticket please?"
"Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a ****."
"I don't believe you," said the voice. "Slide it under the door."
"No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are sweet corn!"
National Orgasm Day
He turns to his wife in bed and whispers "Did you
know it's National Orgasm Day?"
"Oh, what a pity," she smiled, "Right in the middle of
National Headache Week !!
Found a new resturant last night -
Had an Irish mixed grill !!
New potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes, waffles and hash browns with chips.
:stpaddy:
Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many
years. Two days before the group is due to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down
and tells him he isn't going and that she's got something else planned.
Naturally, Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, actually, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?"
I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing only a see-through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. On her bedside table I saw the book '50 Shades of Grey'.
She had lit candles and sprinkled rose petals around and on the bed she had handcuffs and ropes!
Then she slipped off her nightie, laid on the bed and said,
"Okay tie me up, hand-cuff me to the bed, and do whatever you want."
"So, here I am!"
PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT SENIOR STYLE
An elderly couple in their 70's were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to keep my Rolls Royce.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: Put me down for Fridays.
UPDATE ON PENSION PLANS FOR BRITISH SENIORS
Fantastic News concerning Pensions And Benefits in Great Britain.
'
'
نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقشديوار و چشم
خيره
ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگررفت سايه. ر رفت نور اگر رفت سايهپيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره مانقش سايه دگرنمي دان نور اگر رفتسايه. ر رفت ديوار و چشم خيره مانقش سايه دگرنمي دان نور اگر رفتسايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ماسايه
ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگرنمي دان نور اگر رفت سايهپيدانيستنقش ديوار و چشم خيره ماپيدا
ني ست نقش
If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.
Life explained
Life
This is perhaps the most profound philosophy I have heard in recent times:
"Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free . . .
it's women who make it hard."
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
A crusty old ARMY Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "
I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
Eight-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so from now on you will
be known as Frank."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is no longer Mohammad. I'm in Ireland now and my name is Frank."
"What?" she said. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to
dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat him.
Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day when Mohammad returned to school the teacher saw all of
his bruises.
"What happened to you, Frank?" she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming Irish I was attacked by two ****ing Arabs."
A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up,
"I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".
"Why do you think that ?" he said.
"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says
"stit ruoy su wohs".
Ecky Thump
16-02-2015, 21:13
Irish Lubricant
Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had
come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!
'Ain't dat grand, !!'
Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said,
'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy !'
Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use
dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'
Murph said, 'I'll tell you, .....it's a freaking' good ting we didn't use WD-40.
.
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
OH HOW TRUE THIS IS
A man walks into a Parliament office and says to the receptionist,
"I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be a Green M.P.
The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''
He was filling the form OK until he came to the question - ''Are you circumcised?''
So he asked the receptionist, "Is this question necessary?"
She replied, "If you are circumcised you are not eligible."
He then asked, "What difference does it make if I am circumcised?"
She replied, "To become a Green MP you have to be a complete ****!"
A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop
She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.
"Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".
The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said "350" please.
The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile, and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.
"Yes!!" she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!!"
The boss replied "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 .....he's the window cleaner"
Bob, an undertaker, came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day," replied Bob. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.
When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was the big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see," said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"
"Wrong room."
Ecky Thump
19-02-2015, 22:04
LadyDentist
A bloke goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulled out a large syringe to give an anaesthetic shot.
"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the bloke said.
So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and he
said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
"No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."
The dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them. "What are those?" he asked.
"Viagra," she replied.
"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth out."
LadyDentist
A bloke goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulled out a large syringe to give an anaesthetic shot.
"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the bloke said.
So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and he
said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
"No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."
The dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them. "What are those?" he asked.
"Viagra," she replied.
"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth out."
Haha....Brilliant.....reminds me of the rather innocent dentist gag as follows;
Woman in the dentist's says; "I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth out".....
Dentist replies; "well make your mind up love and I'll adjust the chair"....:lol:
At this point I'm thinking Reg Varney would be the dentist....hahahaha
Ecky Thump
20-02-2015, 14:06
The Pearly Gates.
A Muslim dies, and by some error
in his handling,
ends up in heaven.
He’s stopped at the Pearly Gates by St Peter who says:
"Sorry, but we don’t allow Muslims into Heaven".
"What?,,,, replies the Muslim, and why not"?
"Well, we just don’t!!,,,, and that’s it,,, we're short on Virgins".
The Muslim complains and carries on until St Peter gets
fed up.
"Well,,,, says St Peter,
have you ever done anything good in your life"?
Ummm--the Muslim replies.
"Yes, the other day a lady stopped me on the street collecting
for a children’s charity so I gave her £20
Last week I donated £50 to the Battersea Dogs Home.
and a couple of weeks ago a tramp asked me if I could spare any money,,,so I gave him £10!
"Alright then, says St Peter,,, wait here and I'll have a quick word with God".
Five minutes later St Peter returns and says to the Muslim.
Listen, I’ve spoken with God and he agrees with me ...
Here’s your £80 back,,,,,,,,,, now p**s off!!
A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and begun reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered.
"Do you live around here?" She asked.
Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?
A drug Squad officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked to an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out a distant location………
The Drug Squad officer exploded, saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his back pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I f*****g wish.... on ANY land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear...... do you understand???"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up and saw the Drug Squad officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's enormous Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that the officer would be trampled and gored……..
Luckily the rancher spotted the officer’s predicament,threw down his tools, ran to the fence, and yelled at the top of his voice………
"Your badge........ show him your F*****g BADGE!!"
Ecky Thump
23-02-2015, 12:23
Four Facts.
These facts are irrefutable. Be careful, be very careful.
A wise person once said:
1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realise that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Fosters, Victoria Bitter, XXXX & Crown Lager.
Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
AND
4. I haven't verified this on Google but it sounds legit. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
starling
23-02-2015, 14:10
A Naughty one!
One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I
have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you
what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as
bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll
even let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the
first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and
surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't
think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did
was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in
constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on
the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does
best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I
can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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The Story of my Life.
She's single .... she lives right across the street.
I can see her place from my patio.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and
knocked on the door.
I rushed to open it, she looks at me and said, "I just got home, and I
have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get
laid tonight!
Are you doing anything?"
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"
She said, "Great! ....Could you watch my dog??
Tough or what !!
A rich Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a man close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl and traditional locks of hair. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this fellow is Jewish.
So, he shouts to the barman, “Drinks for everyone in here, but not for the Jew over there.”
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, “Thank you,” in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jew. He continues to smile, and again yells,“Thank you.”
The Arab asks the barman, “What’s the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all he does is smile and thank me?”
The barman replies, “He owns the place …”
starling
24-02-2015, 08:36
AAHH, MAKES YOUR HEART SING.
A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat
on to make his way down to the local pub.
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said,
Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.
'She replied,
'Awe Jock that's nice are you taking me tae the pub with you?
'Nay,’ Jock replied
‘I'm turning the heat off while I'm out.'
A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex:
Husband: "Sukitaki. mojitaka!"
Wife replies: "Kowanini! mowi janakpa!"
Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"
Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"
Husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I Can't believe you just sat there trying to read this – you don’t know Japanese.
You'll read anything as long as it’s about sex.... you need serious help!!!
Sometimes I worry about you.
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I' m on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any more
I was at a job interview today ,the interviewer said "it says on your cv that you are a man of mystery"
"That's correct" I replied ,
He said " would like to elaborate ?"
"No" I said
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...
'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
Class trip to Farm.
Teacher..
Ok children what sounds did we hear on our trip to the farm yesterday
1st.Kid...Moooo...
2nd.Kid... Baaaa...
3rd. Kid Quack Quack...
Little Jonny...Get off that F...... Tractor!!
This years Brits will always be remembered for its fabulous tribute to 'Allo Allo' ,
Featuring the fallen Madonna with the big boobies !
A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated
Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So
she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.
Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest
and chant, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'
She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement
she grew to a terrific D-cup rack!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic
realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might
lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood
right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said,
'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ' Are you a patient of
Dr.Bumbutu?
'Yes I am.. How did you know?'
He winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock'...
"Your the laziest person we have ever employed Smith , you've been caught asleep on more than one occasion your always late you never reach your targets and are so lethargic it's unreal , I thought you said you used to work on a farm ?!"
"Yes I did. A cannabis farm "
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
So Qatar 2022 is going to be held in November and December
Or for England , November
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.
He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: " Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He was a man who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Brian every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow."
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Ecky Thump
02-03-2015, 21:16
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
:mad:!niaga reven-eerT muG no enim thguob I
Got this today from my mate in St Helens.
A Wigan primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Wigan fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Wigan fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Wigan fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Wigan fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a St Helens fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a St Helens fan?'
'Because my mum is a St Helens fan, and my dad is a St Helens fan, so I'm a St Helens fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a St Helens fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then, I'd be a Wigan fan.
My wife thought she heard an intruder in our house last night so told me to go down and investigate.
"Put some pants on Dave," she said "If they see your c*ck they'll just think you're a child"
One of my mates told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space,
Which was an incredibly unnecessary and hurtful thing to say, it ruined our bath.
Fivepence
05-03-2015, 19:45
That's not funny Ted :whistle:
That's not funny Ted :whistle:
Sorry pal. [emoji4]
A St Helens primary school teacher"....................
The human jawbone of the first known human found in Ethiopia has been confirmed as a female and not a male. When asked how they could be so sure a spokesman said,
"It was open. "
In a small Cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews when he was approached by the priest.
The priest asked the janitor"could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me I really have to go to the bathroom and widow McGee is coming.She tends to go on and on but never does anything of a serious repentance,so when she is done just give her 10 Hail Marys."I will be back soon.
Being a helpful sort the janitor agreed.
Just as expected widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession,
"O father I have done something unforgivable.I have given in to carnal thoughts and have oral sex.Stunned the janitor had no idea how to handle the situation.Surely 10 Hail Marys would not do.In a moment of desperation the janitor poked his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy.
"Son what does the priest give for oral sex"?
The alter boy replied," Two Snicker bars and a bottle of Coke
"Hello. My name is Dave and I'm an alcoholic"
"Hi Dave, but this is a group for compulsive liars"
"I also have an enormous penis"
An English ventriloquist visiting Wales is walking along a country road when he sees a man and his dog leaning against a five bar gate. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Welshman;
" Bora Da. Mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk. Are you English?.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going ?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Welshman: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this farmer your owner?' (pointing at the farmer)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Welshman: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Welshman: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Welshman: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the farmer)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'
Welshman: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Welshman: (in a panic) 'No – she’s a f***ing liar anyway’
HONEYMOON....
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio . The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked
"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said.
"Let me guess...
Smallcox
True Friendship Among Golfing Buddies
This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at
6:30, after golf.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits
open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess,
the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas
and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you
bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
A mother, cleaning her son's room, finds an S&M magazine under the bed.
Upset, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband.
"Well?" his wife asks. "What do you think we should do?"
"I'm not sure," the father replies. "But we certainly shouldn't spank him."
Two policemen call the station on the radio.
"Hello. Is that the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
“Not yet sarge. The floor is still wet."
Does anyone have the owner's manual for a wife?
Mine's emitting a terrible whining noise.
starling
11-03-2015, 11:03
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the ****ing difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.
Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.
It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own ****ing business.
I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!
Ecky Thump
11-03-2015, 11:08
A Blonde goes to Heaven.
An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the Blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'
And the Blonde entered Heaven..?
... you're singing it now, aren't you…??
Ecky Thump
11-03-2015, 18:57
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said,
"A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?"
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over
and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.
And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your
thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then
took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your
thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, 'my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.'
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then @AngusJim said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
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