View Full Version : Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here
I was watching the television and Lenny Henry was showing the viewers around a building project with a new straw roof and mud walls. Although the windows were not glazed they did have netting to prevent flies and mosquitos getting in. The large number of black people present were particularly impressed by the fresh water coming from a standpipe in the middle of the room.
I must say that the standard of Premier Inns has gone down a little
Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married.
She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room.
She invited him to have a
seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young
minister noticed a cut glass
bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated of all things, a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones, they
began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said
to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!!
Before I get accused of being racist, it's just a joke ffs.
A cute nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a Turban who was eating shrimps.
Every time he ate one he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to dodge or deflect it.
He finished the box of shrimps and then threw the empty box out of the window.
Seeing this she had enough of his rudeness and bad manners and total disdain of women.She got up and pulled the train emergency cord..
The Muslim man looked at her and said"You'll get fined £250 for doing that,you stupid worthless infidel, female bitch."
She smiled and said to him"When I cry rape and they smell your fingers you will get 10years in prison,you towel headed camel shagger.
http://tapatalk.imageshack.com/v2/15/03/17/de653f5afc7f98db4fae19c4d41c1137.jpg
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered..... It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery... When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the
staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was
a tattoo that read . .. .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
A man goes to the bar in his hotel and orders a pint of bitter. "If you dont mind me asking"says the barman "I believe its your wedding night tonight." "Yes thats right" man replies. "Well you dont want a pint of bitter, its well known that it makes you shrivel up,what you want is a large brandy, makes you big and strong like a lion" So he gets his brandy and off he goes. Half hour later he is back at the bar "you where right about that Brandy mate,in fact i'll have another large One, and a pint of bitter for the wife!"
Malteser Monkey
19-03-2015, 11:34
https://youtu.be/V_gOZDWQj3Q
Paper is not dead
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my D.1ck, he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear,
Sir?'
'I can't P..1ss out of it,' he replied.
Two dwarfs went on vacation to Las Vegas. There they met two beautiful women and took them back to their adjoining hotel rooms.
Alas, the first dwarf was so intimidated by the girl's beauty that he simply couldn't get aroused.
To make matters worse, all he could hear from the next room were cries of "One, two, three . . . oh!" all night long.
The next morning the second dwarf said: "How did it go?"
His friend said: "It was so embarrassing. I couldn't get an erection."
You think that was embarrassing?" said the second dwarf. "I couldn't even get on the bed!
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
There are only ten times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.. They are as follows:
10. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?" -- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
9. "What the @#$% was that?"-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
8. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -- Custer, 1877
7. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein, 1938
6. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -- Picasso, 1926
5. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC
4. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"-- Michelangelo, 1566
3. "Where the @#$% are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937
2. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" -- Noah, 4314 BC
1. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1998
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he
approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the
clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me
patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
"So, Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir"
says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks
the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young
gorgeous woman bursts in so she does.
Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off
everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the
table, spreading her legs and shouts:
'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick!
For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
That Jeremy Kyle show never ceases to shock me,he had a guest on this morning who had a full set of teeth!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and
examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked
if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and his way with her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f#+*$$g dishes!"
I was standing at the bar when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, why the fruck you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick.
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
(you are going to love this...)
"What's for dinner, Zorro?"
Stay!
A man pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure his Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. The dog was stretched full-out on the back seat and the man wanted to impress upon it that it must remain there.
The man walked to the kerb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically,"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave him a strange look and said, (this is going to hurt read on)
"Why don't you just put the handbrake on?"
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions" "Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?" Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions"
"My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early for lunch? And Where is Sasha?"
A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," he replied.
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test
and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,
study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that
you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies
of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~
and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
You're going to love the Dad's reply:
'Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?'
Ecky Thump
05-04-2015, 21:32
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f**king brick wall!"
Three men - a Canadian farmer, a Muslim fanatic
and a Biker are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ' POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
The Muslim was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out;
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says
Fill it up with water
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife
promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house
adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up
there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going
to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice
said, 'Come on in..' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was
done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on
its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked,'Are you the people that broke my
window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.'Oh, no
apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie,
and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've
released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish,
but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out,
'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And
I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in
the world,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes
will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman
in more than a thousand years,my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now
have a fortune, and all those houses, what do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're
right.Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about
you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the
afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three
hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her
eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?''Why, we're both 35,' she
responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,'he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe
in genies?'
why is pubic hair like parsley you normally push it to the side before you start eating
Ecky Thump
13-04-2015, 09:16
MUSLIM TRIBUTE BAND
I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night at a Mosque in London. They were called "Bomb Jovi" and I thought they were brilliant. They performed songs like “Losing my head over you”, “Rocket Launcher Man”, “You’re six, you’re beautiful, and you’re mine”.
Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down!!
Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.
I was interested, so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"
Well that was when the trouble started.
Those assholes have no sense of humor!
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge enquires "first offender ?". She replies "no, first a Gibson, then a Fender" !! :laugh:
Who are we? WOMEN
What do we want? WE DON'T KNOW
When do we want it? NOW !
Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he’s back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the beer mate?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told his Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You are mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I betcha a case of beer you are.'
A foursome of men are waiting on the men,s tee while a foursome of women are on the ladies tee taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she duffs it 10 feet.
Then she goes over and misses it completely.
Then she hacks it another 10 feet and finally hacks it another 5 feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically,
I guess all those Fu....g lessons i took over the winter didn,t help....
One of the men immediately responds.
Well there you have it..
You should have taken Golf Lessons instead!!.
what do we want a question that epitomises the misogyny of the female gender propounded by the ruling patriarchy when do we want tit
Rotund Patient to doctor : The problem is that obesity runs in our family
Doctor to rotund patient : No, the problem is no one runs in your family
Ecky Thump
25-04-2015, 10:17
Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot the little s**t.
Being from Scotland, I love the summer.
It's my favourite day of the year.
Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot the little s**t.
My GOD you can drag it out:flatcap:
Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.
The first spaceman says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons."
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first spaceman says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves."
Last week Anne checked into a motel on her 65th birthday. As she was feeling a bit lonely, she decided to call one of those men you see in the phone book for escorts and sensual massages.
She looked through phone book and found a full page ad for a guy calling himself "Loveable Lawrence" A very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, and she felt certain she could bounce a fifty cent coin off of that well oiled butt. She figured, what the heck, no-one will ever know, I'll give him a call.
"Good evening Ma'am, how may I help you?"
Ooh, he sounded sooo sexy!!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in.
"Hi, I hear you give great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel and give me one. No wait-I'll be straight with you. I'm in town and all alone. What I really want is sex-I want it hot and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, cuffs, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night, tie me up, cover me with chocolate syrup, whipped cream-anything and everything. I'm ready."
"Now. How does that sound?
"That sounds absolutely fantastic. But you need to press 9 for an outside line"
Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children.
Then Ted died of Heart Disease. She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Again Judy remarried, and this time She & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"
Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel...
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £5 million."
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug"
My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying ba***rd told you I was speeding, too!"....:lol:
Two guys are out in the woods deer hunting. While waiting on a deer Joe says "I think my wife's cheating on me".
Jay says "You're right, I can see your house from my scope. It's happening."
Joe says "Ok, I want you to shoot her in the head and him in the nuts".
Jay says, " No problem, I can do that in one shot".
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded "I shot a duck and it fell in this field and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and if you don't let me get that duck I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said "Apparently you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket he said "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
(I love this part)
The old farmer smiled and said "Nah, I give up - You can have the duck."
Choosing who to vote for in the election is like having to choose a sexually transmitted disease.
They're all unpleasant and some are worse than others, but you really don't want any of them.
My wife called me an annoying git the other day.
I almost choked on my vuvuzela.
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two ars#holes."
"What? He had two ars#holes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two ars#holes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two ars#holes'."
A guy, on his wedding night is about to get it on with his newly wed for the first time in their hotel.
They start to undress and he says, "God, I never realised that your boobs were this small."
The wife gets all upset and understandably throws him out.
While he is sitting in the hall another guy comes out down the hall. The first man said, "Hey, What happened?"
"Well, I saw my wife naked for the first time tonight and all I said was, 'Oh I never knew your a#se was that big.' and she just threw me out just like that.
Just then a third guy also on his wedding night like the first two guys, comes storming out into the hall.
"Hey, did you put your foot in it as well?" ask the two men already outside.
"No," says the third guy, "but I bloody well could have."
thats disgusting why do you do that said my girlfriend what i am only dunking my biscuit loads of blokes do it not during oral sex they dont she said
A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport .
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax -
ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!'
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in Economy said,
'That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!'
In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink.
It had a single word on it: "Think!"
The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "Thoap!"
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There were three blondes stuck on an island and they had been there for a few days, when they stumbled across a magical lamp. One of the blondes rubs the lamp and sure enough a genie pops out and offers to grant each of them a wish.
The first blonde says, "Make me smart so I can think of a way to get off this island."
He points his finger at her, and she turns into a redhead. Then she heads to the water and swims towards land.
The next blonde says, "Make me even smarter than her so I can get off this island!"
So he points his finger and she becomes a brunette, and she builds a boat and sets sail.
The last one says "Make me smarter than both of them combined!!"
The genie points his finger at her and turns her into a man, the man then walks across the foot bridge back to mainland.
My son will soon be getting to that age where he acts like my cat. He'll start bringing birds home in such poor condition I'll have to take them into the backyard and kill them with a brick.
GOD:
Frank, You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.
GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this any more. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert . During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there. The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.
The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his
tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'
'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert . During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there. The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.
The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his
tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'
'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."
That reminds me of the tale that the forces really did use camels for "sexual gratification" and on one Friday the guys are getting all spruced up, clean shirt, shaved, hair combed etc and the new recruit asked why they went to all this bother for a camel. The reply was "you don't want to get an ugly one son !" ....
Four friends (Ladies) meet 30 years after school at reunion.....
One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.
No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he gave his best friend a Ferrari.
No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline and became so rich, he gave his best friend a jet.
No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company became so rich, he built his best friend a castle.
No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about.
They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son.
She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar. The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful.
" Oh no !! " said the Lady, he is doing good.
" Last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends..." .
just been to a muslim childs birthday party ---the musical chairs were a bit slow but the pass the parcel went like lightning
Two lesbians are on a game show together and the host asks them, "So, what do you two do?"
"We work at a supermarket. One of us sells fruit and veg and the other sells meat."
The host said "I see, so which one of you is the butcher?"
They look at each other, then one of them said, "We're about the same really."....:lol:
Rye Bread is the Secret
Two old guys, one 70 and one 77, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 77 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 70 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 77 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 70 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves?!! ... you know by the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh1t but me."
MURPHY'S LESSER KNOWN LAWS
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
10. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
12. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
13. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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It was the first day back at school in Birmingham, England and the teacher began calling out the names of the pupils.
"Mustafa Al Azheri?"
"Here."
"Achmed El Kabul?"
"Here."
"Fatima Bin Badir?"
"Here."
"Ali Abdul Alami?"
"Here."
"Mohammed Bin Kadir?"
"Here."
"Ali Son al En?"
Silence in the classroom.
"Ali Son al En?"
Continued silence, as everyone looked around the room.
The teacher repeated the call,
"Ali Son Al En?"
Finally, a girl stood up and said,
"Sorry, teacher, I think that's me. It's pronounced Allison Allen."
The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer so a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
*
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million pounds, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.*
*
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
*
Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'
*
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?
*
The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again*
*
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
*
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.
*
And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
Fred and Terry were good mates, having been through junior school, high school, and university together.
Their backgrounds though were quite different,with Terry coming from a high class family, whilst Fred`s parents were poor but honest farmers.
When Fred was about five, he just wanted to be a farmer like his dad, and had already got a large collection of toy tractors and other farming implements.
As a special treat Fred`s father took his young son to an agricultural show.
Fred was happily playing on one of the demonstration tractors, when the owner shouted at him :-
"Get of my tractor , you little hooligan! You can only drive one of those when you are grown up and can afford to buy one of your own."
Fred was very upset by this, as he thought he would never have enough money to buy such a big tractor. So when he got home he threw all his toy tractors and such into the bin.
Years later Fred and Terry were celebrating their qualifying as doctors, and were out on the town for a drink.
They went to a pub which had lots of noise coming out of the door, and decided to go in.
When they opened the door they were met by such a wall of fumes and smoke that terry said :_" Lets go some where else"
" Hang on." said Fred and put his head inside the pub and took a great
intake of breath.
All the smoke disappeared!!
"How did you do that" asked Terry.
"Sorry " said Fred " But I forgot to tell you that I am an EX tractor fan!"
Apparently double-barrelled names come about when both parents want to keep their surnames, according to my friend Paddy Murphy-Murphy.
Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light.
'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'
'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a magic Genie?' Mick asked. 'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy. Could' I see him?'
Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.
Will you grant me one wish?' 'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the* tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing.
Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'
Apparently, "Canape" was originally a very expensive Scottish starter ...
and was spelled "Cannae pay".
A student changed his name by deed poll because it was a lot cheaper than paying a £220 admin charge for a minor booking error that Ryanair wanted to charge him.
Mr £@ckoffryanair declined to comment
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Authorities had arranged for all the illegal immigrants to be deported to their own countries in a special Ryanair flight but cancelled at the last moment as they pleaded they'd rather be crammed back into a container for a more comfortable journey.
starling
06-06-2015, 20:08
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young
mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. It
manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank.
He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too
shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called
the cat, "Whisky".
He then turned to the fourth Mum June: "Your obsession is with flowers.
Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy.
At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by
the hand and whispered: "Come on, ****, this guy has no idea what he's
talking about. Let's pick up Fanny and Willy and go home."
a farmer has successfully grown a field of dildos unfortunately he has a lot of trouble with squatters
I found myself in a pub in Cork when a group of American tourists came in
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think your
great drinkers. I bet 5,000 euros that no-one here can drink 30 pints of
Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no-one took
up the bet.
40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said "Hey Yank, is your
wee bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of 5,000 euros."
"Grand," replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when
I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?"
The Irishman replied, "Well sir, 5,000 euros is a lot of money to a man like
me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."
Malteser Monkey
16-06-2015, 15:04
There was this TV salesman.....................:cheeky:
starling
19-06-2015, 21:06
Its an age thing:
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realised that at my age I don't really give a **** anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the lamppost; the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here. I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .
…….I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder, what I'm "here after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. HAVE I POSTED THIS MESSAGE BEFORE?
Ecky Thump
20-06-2015, 14:45
13 canaries :
Three young women are at a cocktail party. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour.
The second woman says,
"Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
The third woman says,
"Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. But thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's willie!!"
The first woman looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera. We're going to my parent's house for two weeks."
The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes. He bought me a Ford."
"Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg."
Poor little Amir was born with severe upper-limb thalidomy and grew up on a rough Bradford housing estate. With just one tiny little 'finger' sticking out of each shoulder, he was no stranger to bullying and verbal abuse over his looks, and his hatred toward the west increased no end.
When he reached his mid twenties, he flew to an IS training camp in the hope of returning to England as a suicide bomber and wreaking havoc by detonating himself in a shopping centre in Allah's name.
When he arrived in Pakistan though, the IS soldiers told him he was of no use to them, having no arms..
"You cannot be one of our fearless band." Amir was told by a guffawing Imam. "You could not even pass our basic assault course."
"Yes I could." Snapped Amir. "Let me prove myself." And he raced to the start.
Running to the first obstacle, a rope-climb up a twelve foot wall, he deftly wrapped his legs around the rope and propelled himself up the wall a way, gripping tightly with his teeth to reposition his foothold.
It was amazing to see as he landed over the wall and sprinted to the next problem, the monkey bars.
Not even breaking stride, he leaped up and with his chin, hooked on to the first rung. His body swung forward and he curled his toes up to catch a rung halfway along. Releasing his head, gravity swung him right over to the other side and acrobatically, he again landed on his feet.
The Imam stood slack jawed as not a single obstacle troubled Amir and he ran the course in a training camp record time.
"My boy. My blessed, blessed boy." He gushed. "You are indeed worthy of martyrdom in the name of Allah.
Go to the supplies tent for equipment and I will personally teach you how to use it. Then you will fly back to England and kill many, many infidels."
With this, Amir skipped happily off across camp.
Twenty five minutes later Amir had not returned, so the Imam went to look for him. He was found on the floor outside the supply tent, sobbing his eyes out. "Oh Imam, I am so sorry." He sniffled. "But I just can't do it."
"Why ever not? No one is more deserving of 72 willing virgins than a born soldier like yourself." Bolstered the Imam. "Have you had a change of heart, pangs of conscience?"
"No, not at all." Said Amir. "The f***ing rucksack won't stay on."
An elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her:
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
Gardening for the Hearing impaired
I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake so I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures. ......"Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
My wife replied that she understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated,.... I went upstairs and asked her, ...."What the hell was that!?”
She replies, ........ "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" !!!
Ecky Thump
29-06-2015, 18:14
Daddy's car in the woods
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his Mother.
'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, and then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.
Mummy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
the waitress noticed me struggling to open the mini cornflake packet in the breakfast buffet just slide your finger between the flaps she suggested----- THAT FINISHED BADLY
Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride.
He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really bothers Fred so he asks him, “What’s wrong with you?”
The reply is, “I got this in the war"
Fred finds this pretty disturbing so he switches seats.
The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and even kicks Fred a few times.
So Fred asks him, “What is wrong with you?”
Again the answer is, “I got this in the war.”
Fred moves.
The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing his left hand. Fred says, “Let me guess, you got that in the war?”
His reply was, “No, I got it out of my nose. I can’t get it off of my hand.”
starling
01-07-2015, 11:54
JUST A FEW PUNS........
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round
table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size
from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan
island, but it turned out to be an optical
Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved
her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from
algebra class, because it was a weapon of math
disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and
was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
would result in Linoleum Blownapart
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a
tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp
wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a
banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the
hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay
here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting
bigger. Then it hit me
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center
said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and
pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a
taste for religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd
be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two
dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and
says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed
per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One
turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,
so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly
it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've
lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you
sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
Novocain during a root canal? His goal:
transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the
puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
A gentlemen from 'north of the border' and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It smells absolutely incredible!"
Being a kind-hearted person, he thought, "What the heck... I'll treat her!"
So, they walked past it again...
The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon:
"I have some good news and, I have some bad news”.
The tycoon replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first”.
The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million”.
The tycoon replies enthusiastically:
“Well done, very good news indeed!
You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”
The lawyer answers:
“The pictures are of you screwing your secretary”.
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
WARNING: DO NOT WATCH IF YOU'RE EASILY OFFENDED.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMHhy-mGndI&feature=share
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/07/07/13e556dfbe93e93799a39855704ed7ad.jpg
lawrence
07-07-2015, 18:02
Went to the gym the other day. Had my workout and decided to have an energy drink in the gym cafe. while i was sitting there an extremely fat young woman sat down beside me, puffing an blowing. She ordered her meal and turned to me and said "excuse me, I wonder if you could help me" I turned towards her and asked what the problem was. Well she said, I have been coming to this gym for 3 months now and haven't lost an ounce yet. I have diligently followed the instructors advice and I just wondered if you might have any helpful suggestions. So I said to her have you tried skipping. What skipping like boxers do she said. No. I said meals you fat b.....d
The old ones are still the best.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,
"Who owns the big white horse outside ?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said,
"I do, why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said,
"I just thought you like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was almost dead from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said,
"Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said,
"Sure, Kimosabe, "
and took off running circles around Silver. not able to do anything but wait, the lone ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar, and announces,
" Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again and claims,
"I do. what is wrong with him this time ?"
The cowboy said to him,
" Nothing much, I want you to know you left your injun running ... "
Ecky Thump
09-07-2015, 15:36
A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming
from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks...
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's
dialling, her four-year-old son comes up andsays, "Mummy Mummy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the
wardrobe & she has no clothes on"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband....
Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around
naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
Ecky Thump
12-07-2015, 09:45
A loud-mouth German lorry driver in a pub in Glasgow is slagging off how lazy British truck drivers are.
He's bragging that he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium up to Glasgow and back to Hamburg in just two days.
This old Glaswegian looks up from his pint and mutters, Och aye man, I used to pick up me load in Glasgow, drop it off in Hamburg and be back in time for a fish and chip supper, give the wife a cuddle in the same day".
The gobby German trucker said, " Oh yah, vot rig ver you driving zen?"
After taking a long swig of his Pint of Tennants Lager, the old fella replied..........
"LANCASTER BOMBER pal....!"
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The Gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The Younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The Older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The Younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Angry at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The Older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He Aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, greenhead.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He almost killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The Older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
Apparently a true story......
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Fort Worth, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and off....it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.' 'I seriously doubt it', said the truly proud Hillbilly. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
starling
14-07-2015, 12:58
Just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for black orphans. I told him with my luck I'd probably win one.
The thing I love most about hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot."
Question - are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
Prince Harry says he doesn't want the usual fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.
Just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa. But don't let your heart rule your head. Morrisons are doing 4 Stella for £2-99.
100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the Giro.
Bloke comes home to find his son sitting on the couch, grinning from ear to ear. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. "I just made love to the girl next door" he says proudly. "Well done son. I hope you were wearing something." "Yup" he replied. "A balaclava."
Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. I've been ringing 08001730 for 2 bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone. Girl replies, those are our opening times.
starling
19-07-2015, 07:01
A woman stops by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocks on the door then immediately walks in.
She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music is playing, candles are lit, and the aroma of perfume fills the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asks.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in- law explains.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaims.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law answers.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me and wants me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and can't get enough of me!"
The mother-in-law leaves, inspired by what she has learned.
When the mother-in-law gets home, she undresses, showers, puts on her best perfume, dims the lights, puts on a romantic CD, and lays on the couch, expectantly awaiting her husband. Finally, her husband comes home. He walks in and sees her lying there provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"This is my love dress," she whispers sensually.
"Needs ironing," he says. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.
its times like this i wished we lived in tenerife i said to my wife as i looked out the window yeah the weathers crap here she replied not the weather your mothers coming up the drive
My name is Reb, and tonight, I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink which I had just been served, when a large bearded long haired trouble-making biker fellow steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly... at which I immediately burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry... I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say to the biker!!
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss firedme. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I had to take home. At home, I found my wife with another man... And then, on top of that, my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all..... I buy a drink..... I drop a capsule in.... and I was sitting here just watching the poison dissolve.....and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But, hell, enough about me,
How are you doing?"
Teacher asked class to describe things that ended with "TOR" AND THAT ALSO
ATE THINGS.
The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."
The second boy said, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That is a big word
Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."
" Well my mother has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no
tomorrow!"
I was at a dinner party and was asked i would pass the sweet corn yes i said probably in the morning after a hot cup of tea
A terrorist ran into our local Pets at Home this afternoon threw a package on the checkouts and shouted " IT'S A,BOMB!!! You've got 15 minutes to get out!! "
"You B*****d" said the,Tortoise
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"
"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive b****d."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring and farting ... so, at least I got home OK.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?
"No, just here for a few days."
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As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."
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I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
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After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.
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I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered – the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.
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"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
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I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Muslim sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That swine next door has still got my bloody shovel."
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A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
Baldrick: "What I want to know, Sir, is, before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used. And now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use. And what I want to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs"
Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?"
Baldrick: "Yes Sir"
Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980s there were many different countries all running their own finances and using different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of France , Belgium , Holland and Germany , and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain , Greece , Ireland , Italy and Portugal . They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises".
Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it, Sir?".
Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw in the plan".
Baldrick: "What was that then, Sir?"
Blackadder: "It was B*****ks".
Curly went hunting one day up in the Northern Territory and bagged three ducks.
He put them in the back of his ute and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a surly Territory game warden who didn't like smart alecs.
The warden ordered Curly to show his hunting licence, so Curly pulled out a valid Northern Territory licence.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its bum and said, "This duck ain't from The Territory.
This is a Queensland duck. You got a Queensland hunting licence?" Curly reached into his wallet and produced a Queensland licence.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its bum, and said,
"This ain't a Queensland duck. This duck's from West Australia. You got a West Australian licence?" Curly reached into his wallet and produced a West Australian hunting licence.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its bum, and said, "This ain't a Western Australian duck.
This duck's from South Australia. You got a South Australian hunting licence?"
Again Curly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Australian licence.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at Curly, "Just where the hell are you from?"
Curly smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert."
SMART **** ANSWER 6
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMART **** ANSWER 5
A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."
SMART **** ANSWER 4
The policeman got out of his car and the Teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART **** ANSWER 3
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead"
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it..
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"
SMART **** ANSWER 2
A teacher at West Australian University reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam..
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack , a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."
SMART **** ANSWER OF THE YEAR
Telephone rings, woman answers.
Pervert, breathing heavily, says,
"I bet you have a tight **** with no hair?"
Woman replies, "Yes, I have. He's watching the rugby....
Who shall I say is calling?"
essexeddie
31-07-2015, 17:32
A gay guy who couldn't swim fell in the sea from the jetty. He was shouting and struggling. I shouted shall I throw you a buoy. He shouted back " dont be stupid I'm drowning"
kingbaker
31-07-2015, 20:15
I think your mixing up gay with paedophile. They are not even close.
essexeddie
31-07-2015, 20:30
Ooops! sorry.
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a F*****' liar.. '
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," the woman replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did.
He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
starling
03-08-2015, 07:35
aA man walked into a crowded bar with a loaded gun and shouted, "Who's been screwing my wife?"
A voice at the back shouted, "You don't have enough bullets."
My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.
Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your boobs cover it," wasn't the answer she was looking for.
A Liverpudlian went to court accused of having sex with a cat. The judge dismissed the case saying that in his 30 years as a judge he'd never known a scouser put anything into a kitty!
A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore ****. He goes to the corner shop and asks the shopkeeper "nah then, does tha' sell **** cream?"
The shopkeeper replies, "That we do Lad, does tha' want a Vanilla or a Chocolate?"
My mother-in-law is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said, "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help." So I sent her a timetable.
I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else. My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs.
Does he make a song and dance about it? Does he hell.
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for
an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of
stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to
keep you occupied."
The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a Cricket Ball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mother's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a Cricket Bat."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "I'll tell."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "£750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your bat and ball. Let's go outside and practice!"
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again."
What do you call a woman with a bottle opener in one hand, a knife in the other, a pair of scissors between her toes on her left foot and a corkscrew between her toes on her right foot...
A Swiss Army Wife!!!
Two women were enjoying a mid morning cuppa coffee, the brunette smiled at her blonde friend and cooed that she had finally managed to make love to a Brazilian. The blonde's jaw dropped and she spluttered; "Oh my God! A brazillion? How many is that?"
This is such a touching story, I thought you would enjoy it.
Back on May 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on Interstate 74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide...!!"
While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked...
"Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why in the world are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a
Nicotine patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put
that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'
The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a
day.'
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/08/23/61a8a8646f8ce02f2a76a1ffcbc7c14b.jpg
hackney58
24-08-2015, 14:23
Sex Insurance
Just like you can get insurance for Cars, Property, Sports etc,
you now can now get
insurance for sex !! so make sure you get the correct
insurance for the sex you are having.
Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:-
> Sex with your wife - Legal & General.
> Sex on the telephone - Direct Line
> Sex with your Partner - Standard Life
> Sex with someone Different - Go Compare
> Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than
> Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels
> Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union
> Sex with your maid - Employer's Liability
> Sex with an OAP - Saga
> Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident
and finally
> Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com <http://confused.com/>
Make sure you are adequately covered !
a comedian held the door open for me i thought thats a nice jester
A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates... As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'
St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'
So the zebra went off in search of God.
When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know, Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'
God simply replied 'You are what you are.'
The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'
The zebra looked puzzled.. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''
St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes..'
The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'
'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is..'
A very successful attorney parked his brand new Bentley in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Bentley with his . . . lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Bentley, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. " I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. " You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life. "
" How can you say such a thing ? " asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, " Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing ?
It was severed when the truck hit you ! "
" OH, MY GOD ! " screamed the lawyer. (SCAN DOWN FOR THE PUNCH LINE)
>
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" My Rolex ! "
Has anyone lost a large wad of £20 notes,
.
wrapped in an elastic band? ~
.
Please get in touch ASAP,
.
I've found the elastic band.
Malteser Monkey
03-09-2015, 23:11
Has anyone lost a large wad of £20 notes,
.
wrapped in an elastic band? ~
.
Please get in touch ASAP,
.
I've found the elastic band.
:scotland::scotland::surrender:
:scotland::scotland::surrender:
Oi you Malteser Monkey, get off of here; you said you never visit Fun & Games, cos it's not the kind of fun and games you thought. :redcard:
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/09/06/b3b4b82c69fabff77e620f80ec99796f.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/09/06/b3b4b82c69fabff77e620f80ec99796f.jpg
the wife says i always do every thing the hard way so i said just light the BBQ this toast aint going to cook itself
A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf until one transferred to another city... It wasn't the same without him.
A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round.
She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"
The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 a.m.
He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late.
They rolled their eyes, but said okay.
She smiled and said "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed.
Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week.
She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp.
Only this time, she played left-handed.
The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They were totally amazed. They couldn't figure her out.
She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harboured a burning desire to beat her...
The third week, the guys had their game faces on.
But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable.
This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them. The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out.
They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said.
"When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit... Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his Ol’ Fella was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."
The guys on the team thought this was hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back,
"But what if it's pointing straight up?"
She said, "Then, I’m fifteen minutes late."
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
I went to my docs today. I have a problem i fart when i am nervous I said I know he said as he was completing my prostate examination
A police officer called the station on his radio.
"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet."
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/09/21/989da3937f7e9dd4755ba3e1cfc6a355.jpg
hackney58
22-09-2015, 14:30
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman - "Which book has
helped you most in your life?"
The woman replied - "My husband's cheque book!!"
A prospective husband in a book store "Do you have a book called
'Husband - The Master of the House'?
Sales Girl: "Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!".
Someone asked an old man: "Even after 70 years, you still call your wife -
Darling, Honey, Luv. What's the secret?
Old man: I forgot her name and I'm scared to ask her.
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper. So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper.
So I could have a new one every day!
Husband to wife - Today is a fine day.
Next day he says: Today is a fine day.
Again next day, he says same thing - Today is a fine day.
Finally, after week, the wife said can't take it and asks her husband - since last week, you
have been saying "Today is a fine day'.
I am fed up. What's the matter?
Husband: Last week when we had an argument, you said, "I will leave you one
fine day." I was just trying to remind you."
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/09/25/086d8bc2f2507ae9a73af22f47407791.jpg
A man sees a sign outside a house -
'Talking Dog For Sale .'
He rings the bell, the owner appears
And tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk,
The man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says,
"Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders.
Because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping,
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years."
"But the jetting around really tired me out,
and I knew I wasn't getting any younger
So I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport
to do some undercover security work,
Wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings
and was awarded several medals.
I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man was amazed
He goes back into the house and asks the owner
how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10.....!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing!
Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying *******,
He's never been out of the garden."
My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the chemist and gets some Nair" hair remover. At the till the chemist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says,
"I'm not using it under my arms."
The chemist says, "Well if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The chemist says, "Stay off your bike for a week."
From now on, I'll believe in The
Prophet Muhammad.
I decided to go to the local Mosque for the first
time, to see what it was all about.
I went in and sat down. The Imam
came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of
Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today." I
told him I was not paralysed. I can walk.
He came back and laid his
hands on me and repeated "By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the
Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today." Once again, I told him there is
nothing wrong with me.
After the prayers, I stepped outside and stuff
me........................
…..my car was gone!
After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears To be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"She replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old bugger," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."
I've Just arrived home after seeing a good friend take his last, I was honoured to have been there at the end. This was a man who had dodged a snipers bullet in the Falklands, survived many armed patrols and, erm spirited exchanges in Northern Ireland. A man who had walked away from a high speed motorbike crash that left his bike a mangled piece of scrap iron.
At the hospital, just before he went, he beckoned me toward him. He couldn't speak due to the pipes and tubes taking life preserving fluids and oxygen to him, so I moved closer as he pointed to his mouth. I said I didn't know what he wanted and asked if he could write it down. He nodded vigorously so I passed him some paper from his bedside cabinet and took the pen from my pocket. Unfortunately, as he was writing, he stopped, the machine that he was attached to started to make that ominous monotone that tells you it's all over. The paper dropped from his hand as the nurses rushed in and tried in vain to revive him but all to no avail. He now knew all the answers to all the questions ever asked, including the ultimate. I returned to my car in the car park with a heavy heart, trying to avoid looking into the faces of the mixed patients, visitors and hospital workers.
I got to the car without breaking down and as I fumbled for my keys I rediscovered the note from my recently deceased mate. By now it was all crumpled up so I attempted to iron it out on the dashboard. It just looked like gibberish so I returned it to my coat pocket.
I'm now home and was about to throw it away but the thought hit me. It might be some sort of final message with hidden importance, there are no spaces between the words; it just appears to be a jumble of letters.
I've decided to share it on Geekbook to see if anyone can decipher it. I've never been any good at anagrams or conundrums so here it is in its entirety. (I'm not sure whether he finished before he shuffled from our mortal coil)
It says: 'GETOFFMY****INGOXYGENPIPEYOUFAT****' ???
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"
Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was being used?"
"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station."
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo."
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/10/13/c5d97ec9d1bd01f5cb084a601c0de8b4.jpg
kingbaker
17-10-2015, 10:34
Paddy Englishman went into a bar.............he was all alone:crylaughing::crylaughing:
AWE:cry: AWE:cry: AWE :cry: AWE:cry: AWE
Coz Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotchman and Paddy Welshman, were at the WORLD CUP.!!:crylaughing::crylaughing::crylaughing::cryl aughing::crylaughing::crylaughing::crylaughing:
Alzheimer's Test for Modern Seniors
How fast can you guess these words
1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Answers:
1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM
You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
Don't worry. You don't have Alzheimer's. You are just a pervert.
kingbaker
18-10-2015, 15:34
Out of the goodness of his heart, Paddy Irishman has collected Paddy Welshman and Paddy Scotchman and gone to the bar....to keep poor desolate Paddy Englishman company. ;)
To hell with the World Cup!!!;)
you know you are getting old when all your dreams are dry and all your farts are wet
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".
A sergeant-major in the Paras was giving a lecture to some raw recruits.
''If you want to be part of this regiment,'' he shouted at them, ''then you need to have COMMITMENT! What do you need?''
''COMMITMENT, sergeant-major!'' the recruits all shouted back.
''Right, I shall now demonstrate my COMMITMENT to this regiment.''
The sergeant-major then ordered one of the men to open a nearby door. Almost as soon as the squaddie turned the handle, the door was pushed open and in slithered a ten-foot-long alligator, snarling and snapping. The sergeant-major then undid his belt and dropped his trousers. Almost as soon as he did so, the alligator ran up and sank his teeth right into the sergeant-major's love truncheon.
The sergeant-major barely winced. ''This,'' he shouted. ''is what we in the Parachute Regiment call COMMITMENT!'' He weaited several seconds more to make his point and then swiftly jabbed the alligator in both eyes with his fingers.
The alligator flipped over on his back, jumped up, and ran into the corner of the office, glaring angrily at the sergeant-major.
''That, you 'orrible bunch, is what we in the Paras call COMMITMENT. Now which one of you 'orrible little men is ready to demonstrate his COMMITMENT?''
There was much shuffling of feet and murmuring until finally one young lad stepped forward. ''I, will sergeant-major,'' he said ''but you've got to promise not to poke me in the eyes.''
The Logical Scientist
Henry was in a bar one night, having a beer and he got chatting to a guy who told him that he was a 'Logical Scientist'
Henry asked him what he meant - and the guy said I’ll explain it to you but you'll have to listen carefully, then asked “have you got a goldfish? '' yes” Henry replied
“Then it's logical you've got an aquarium or a pond” the guy said; “I've got a pond” Henry said
“It follows then logically, that you've got a reasonably sized garden” the guy said “ yes but It's not too big” Henry said .
“It's logically likely then, that you've got a decent sized house” the guy said. “ yes” said Henry “ It’s a 3 bedroom Semi”
“So it’s logical to assume you’ve got children then, because of the bedrooms, and thus, your sex life must be Ok” the guy said.
“I've got two kids and my sex life's great” Henry said “and blimey!! this is almost spooky it's so accurate”
The guy then followed up with “Then it’s logical to assume you don't masturbate either” …. “No well Hardly ever” Stuttered Henry
“Exactly!” the guy said. “So, you can see now how Logical science works, We started talking about a goldfish - and we've ended up finding out that you don’t masturbate, just through examining logic” “That’s really very clever” Henry said.
Later, Henry was chatting to Klaus one of his mates and Klaus asked him about the guy he'd been talking to earlier. Henry explained that the guy was a logical scientist - and Klaus said “what's that then?”
Henry said “I’ll explain it to you but you’ll have to listen carefully,
He then said “have you got a goldfish?” “No I haven’t” said Klaus,
“Well then” said Henry it's logical to assume “your a wanker”.....
i saw a chinese man playing golf today i said to him nice t shot he thanks but it a bit tight round neck
A couple were recently in the local shopping centre.
They became separated and about 20 minutes later she telephoned him When he answered, her angry voice asked
"Where the hell are you?"
He sighed and replied
You remember 25 years ago today, we were in this very shopping centre?"
"Yes."
Came the caustic reply.
Well. Do you also remember that jewelers shop?"
"Yes."
she said starting to regret being so short tempered.
"And do you remember that really expensive necklace that you really liked. And that I told you I would buy it for you one day?"
Tears began to well in her eyes,
She regretted being so terse with him, and she whispered, her voice beginning to shake
"Yes. I do."
"Well........................"
He said.
"I'm in the pub next door."
Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."
Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old."
Paddy asks, "Does it hurt?"
Mick says, " Well I couldn't walk for 18 months..
I bought a Christmas tree today, the girl on the checkout says " Are you going to put that up yourself?" Don't be silly I said, it's going in the living room.
A mother in law said to her son,s wife.. when their baby was born.
I don,t mean to be rude but he doesn,t look anything like my son ..
The daughter in law lifted her skirt up and said...
I don,t mean to rude either but this is what you see ...
It,s not a photo copier .........
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said: "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is ‘sternum’."
A rich Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl and traditional locks of hair.
He doesn't have to be Einstein to know this guy is Jewish.
So he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear: 'drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there'.
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says: 'thank you', in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the Arab.
He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.
As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells: 'thank you'.
The Arab asks the bartender: "What's the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all he does is smile and thank me."
The bartender replies: 'He owns the place!!
A rich Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl and traditional locks of hair.
He doesn't have to be Einstein to know this guy is Jewish.
So he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear: 'drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there'.
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says: 'thank you', in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the Arab.
He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.
As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells: 'thank you'.
The Arab asks the bartender: "What's the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all he does is smile and thank me."
The bartender replies: 'He owns the place!!
Brill , that will be told in the bars of Lower GDS by me :flatcap:
A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch. How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about £50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50 and handed it to her along with a £10 tip.
"Thank you," the blonde said,
"And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex mit you.'
'OK,'
says the girl,
'I'll charge €50 an hour.'
"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,'
she replies cautiously,
'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'
'Ah,'
says the German ........
'zat is ze....
.
.
.
.
.'Four-sprung Duck technique'
:bowdown::lol::respect::crylaughing:
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day.
He sat down next to a priest.
The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.
He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
"It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.
"Imagine that", the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized:
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."
a spanish magician tells the audience how he will disappear on the count of three he says uno dos... POOF... he disappears without a tres
"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...
What’s your name?”, asked the teacher.
“Mohammad,” he replied.
“You’re in Ireland now,” replied the teacher, “So from now on you will be known as Mike.
” Mohammad returned home after school.
“How was your day, Mohammad?”, his mother asked.
“My name is not Mohammad. I’m in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
“Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!”
And his mother beat the **** out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the **** out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
“What happened to you, Mike?”, she asked.
“Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two f***g Arabs.”
One day the teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Lewi raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Lewi before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Lewi said, “My aunt Caroline has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
Chinese Tour Guide in Shanghai...
There was this Chinese girl at a travel agency when I was in Shanghai ; I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her to make arrangements.
She got excited and said:
"sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight"
Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!
But then, my friend interpreted it for me and told me what she really said : 666136429
what do you call a black midget wrestler .....half nelson mandela
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/12/17/268c4685e95772f837c065049e5e1ab7.jpg
shamefulprinces
19-12-2015, 02:49
Little Joey's confession
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.
The priest asks, Is that you, little Joey Pagano?
Yes, Father, it is.
And who was the girl you were with?
I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
I cannot say.
Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?
I'll never tell.
Was it Nina Capelli? I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.
Was it Cathy Piriano?
My lips are sealed.
Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?
Please, Father! I cannot tell you. The priest sighs in frustration.
You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, What'd you get?
Four months vacation and five good leads...
Great jokes ... you can share them with my friends at nodepositforum.com if you like, that is where I found this one, Ill bring you some more later.
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral
A voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!!!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:
"Too late pal, the paperwork’s already done"
"I lost me virginity when I was 17.......I found it again five years after I got married....."....:)
kingbaker
19-12-2015, 13:38
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral
A voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!!!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:
"Too late pal, the paperwork’s already done"
:whistle::whistle::wave::wave::bowdown::bowdown:
WHY I HAD TO CHANGE HOTELS
Last week I checked into my hotel and was a bit lonely. I thought, I’d try contacting one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Monique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
She had all the right curves in all the right places. I figured, what the heck, I'll give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring vibrators, toys, rubber gear, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"
She says,
"That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
Sad news: the man who invented predictive text has died. His funfair is next sundial.
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
A man in Newcastle walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,----
"Some old xxxxxxx outside wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, ---- "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy...........
"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," ---- the boy replied.
Why did you leave New Zealand?" ----the manager asked.
The boy said, ----"Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."
"Is that right?" ---- replied the manager,--- "My wife is from New Zealand!"
"Really?" ---- replied the boy, ---- "Who did she play for?"
Malteser Monkey
20-12-2015, 15:07
https://youtu.be/oCGk_k_lQm4
OMG it's Angusjim in his early days:wow:
https://youtu.be/oCGk_k_lQm4
OMG it's Angusjim in his early days:wow:
Ocht aye, jist a typical Sunday morning in Scotland ........... Malteser Monkey
Ocht aye, jist a typical Sunday morning in Scotland ........... Malteser Monkey
Looking at that weather in the video it's a typical day in Tenerife for AJ.....:lol:
Looking at that weather in the video it's a typical day in Tenerife for AJ.....:lol:
I've just noticed he was wearing his small sporran to suit the cold water !! ... :D
Malteser Monkey
20-12-2015, 16:04
See guys - you need to get your daily oats:cheeky:
See guys - you need to get your daily oats:cheeky:
Good one MM.:lol:
Angusjim
20-12-2015, 18:49
Aye that's me sitting we my simmit oan:wave:
Malteser Monkey
20-12-2015, 18:52
Aye that's me sitting we my simmit oan:wave:
I was just talking about you - eh Ted ? :D
Need to google that
Please add your name to this list.
As a rule, I don't usually circulate these appeals that appear in emails, but this one's important.
So please add your name to show support It has been circulating for weeks and has been sent to over 20 million people.
Please keep it going, and forward to as many people as you know.
To show your support for Jeremy Corbyn, just go to the end of the list below and add your name.
The List Starts here!
1. Mrs Corbyn.
2.
[QUOTE=Tshirt;501357]Please add your name to this list.
As a rule, I don't usually circulate these appeals that appear in emails, but this one's important.
So please add your name to show support It has been circulating for weeks and has been sent to over 20 million people.
Please keep it going, and forward to as many people as you know.
To show your support for Jeremy Corbyn, just go to the end of the list below and add your name.
The List Starts here!
1. Mrs Corbyn.
2 diane abbott
starling
23-12-2015, 18:33
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a Brick wall!"
The British Way..
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the spot only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water..?"
The soldier replied, "There is no water here, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead..? They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel..! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water..! I should kill you, But I must find water first..!"
"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.
I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Insha Allah."
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ....
"They won't let me in without a ****ing tie..!
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled
"Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"
The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".
He began his series of questions:
Tower : " How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter Dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."
Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft : ” “The ***** in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'
Maths teaching in Britain over the years
1. Teaching Maths In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit ratio?
2. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths in 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?
4. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.
6. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something... He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident. However he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.
When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.
The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly infested rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?
7. Teaching Maths In 2015
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in America and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry. However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances. You do the maths.
8. Teaching Maths 2020
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة
الانتاج 80 من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟= 20
I went into a shop and said can someone sell me a kettle the bloke behind the counter said KENWOOD i said where is he then
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.
'Doctor, I don't feel too good,'
said the little Paper bag.
'Hmm, you look OK to me,'
said the Doctor,
'But I'll do a blood test and see what that shows.
Come back and see me in a couple of days.'
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
'What's wrong with me ?'
asked the little paper bag.
'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!'
said the doctor.
'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag !'
Said the little paper bag.
'Have you been having unprotected sex ?'
asked the doctor.
'NO - I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag !'
'Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users ?' asked the doctor.
'NO - I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag !'
'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion ?'
queried the doctor.
'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag !'
'Well',
said the doctor,
'Are you in a Sexual Relationship ?'
'NO ! - I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Then there can be only one explanation.'
said the doctor...
This is good - wait for it .... ... .... ..... ...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'Your mother must have been a carrier ! ! !'
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
This morning a Doctor on Fox T V said “ the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started ” .
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. An telum,u blody luvum.!! Xxx
Malteser Monkey .... :wave:
Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland, following The tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.
A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby.
The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again,
"Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"
The guy who owned the Odeon cinema group has died.
His funeral is next Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40.
Malteser Monkey
13-01-2016, 21:31
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
This morning a Doctor on Fox T V said “ the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started ” .
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. An telum,u blody luvum.!! Xxx
Malteser Monkey .... :wave:
You cheeky :respect: er I never leave anything unfinished. Sorting me condenser dryer out as we type, with a wee glass beside me:whistle:
A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.'
I went into the library and said to the librarian behind the counter "I've taken up a new hobby, furniture making, have you got any books on shelves"?
kingbaker
24-01-2016, 18:38
Advertisement in a Shop:
Guitar, for sale........ Cheap........no strings attached.
In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight....
One Lung At A Time!
On a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative.
The more The Success,
The more The Relatives.
My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses....
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.
Sign In A Bar:
'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget,
Please Pay In Advance.'
Sign At Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive,
Don't Stand In Her Way....
Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.
The Reason Men Lie Is Because Women Ask too Many Questions.
Getting Caught Is The Mother Of Invention.
Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You Sleep Alone
The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life exists elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.
Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment
Has Been Personally Passed By The Management.
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but the dishes are piling up!"
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening." Then the fight started.
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to the Charity Shop to get all of her clothes back.
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
A man was in a terrible accident. Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness. He was in the hospital, in terrible pain.
He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him. He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits then?"
AND THAT, MY FRIEND, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle’, he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates’.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
Advertisement in a Shop:
Guitar, for sale........ Cheap........no strings attached.
In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight....
One Lung At A Time!
On a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative.
The more The Success,
The more The Relatives.
My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses....
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.
Sign In A Bar:
'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget,
Please Pay In Advance.'
Sign At Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive,
Don't Stand In Her Way....
Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.
The Reason Men Lie Is Because Women Ask too Many Questions.
Getting Caught Is The Mother Of Invention.
Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You Sleep Alone
The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life exists elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman.”
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.
kingbaker
27-01-2016, 15:02
Tourist
A tourist couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah.
While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked, “I’ll bet the antelope gets away.”
The wife answered, “If that antelope survives this one, I’ll give you sex every day for the rest of your life.”
The husband's eyebrows lifted.
The deadly chase was recorded.
Click below.....
HTTPS://www.youtube.com/embed/DYDIwOnXNc8
Dai is at the car boot sale when an American tourist comes by.
Pointing to a skull on display in Dai's car, he says:
“Whose skull is that?”
“That,”
says Dai profoundly,
“is the skull of Owain Glyndwr.
It's yours for £10.”
“Incredible,”
says the American.
“I'll take it.”
Some weeks later, Dai is at the car boot sale again when the same American walks past and notices a much smaller skull for sale.
“Whose skull it that?”
asks the American.
“That,”
says Dai in a practised voice,
“is the skull of Owain Glyndwr.”
“Hang on,”
says the American.
“You sold me the skull of Owain Glyndwr a few weeks ago.”
“Aye,”
says Dai.
“This is when he was a boy.”
Ecky Thump
27-01-2016, 15:27
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real prat, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"
Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.
How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?
man walked into a crowded bar with a loaded gun and shouted, "Who's been screwing my wife?"
A voice at the back shouted, "You don't have enough bullets."
My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.
Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your boobs cover it," wasn't the answer she was looking for.
A Liverpudlian went to court accused of having sex with a cat. The judge dismissed the case saying that in his 30 years as a judge he'd never known a scouser put anything into a kitty!
A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore a**e. He goes to the corner shop and asks the shopkeeper "nah then, does tha' sell a**e cream?"
The shopkeeper replies, "That we do Lad, does tha' want a Vanilla or a Chocolate?"
My mother-in-law is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said, "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help." So I sent her a timetable.
I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else. My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs.
Does he make a song and dance about it? Does he hell.
welsh wendy
30-01-2016, 21:29
Paddy us painting his lounge. His wife walks in and can't believe how well he's doing. But the sweat is dripping off him. She says "why are you wearing a leather jacket and a Parker ?" Paddy says HELLOOOOOOOO! Read the f------ tin - it says, for best results put two coats on!!"
http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20160131/0d3142de8d954adca03ebcabe6e72a16.jpg
welsh wendy
31-01-2016, 17:08
Food inspector in a bakery catches Paddy using his false teeth to do the design on the edge of apple pies. She roars "have you not got a tool?" "Yes," replies Paddy. "But I use that for the doughnuts"
Ecky Thump
31-01-2016, 17:33
A man purchased a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 120....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The policeman got out of his car and came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The man thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a copper, I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the policeman!
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
kingbaker
01-02-2016, 19:35
Why do English people tell Irish jokes that are very simple?
So Scots can understand them!!:lol::lol:
n the great days of The British Empire.
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decreed, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympic boxing. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to **** off."
kingbaker
10-02-2016, 15:07
How about this.
http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2016/02/09/one-killed-three-injured-in-isle-of-wight-pop-up-sex-shop-disaster/ :lol::lol:
Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres in the middle of outback Aussie as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00.' 'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'. 'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too.'
'Now that's really not a problem,' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
kingbaker
12-02-2016, 19:30
APPLE DOES IT AGAIN !
<ATT00002>
Apple computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play Hi Fi music in women’s breast implants.
The i-Tit will cost between $499 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
My boy walked in earlier dressed like a bottle of Amber Solaire.
I said "what are you
after, son?"
kingbaker
19-02-2016, 09:59
Once upon a time there was a king WHO wanted to go fishing.
I called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman That assured him there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing With His wife, the queen. On the way I met a farmer on His donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer Said, "Your Majesty, You should return to the palace at once Because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area". The king was polite and considerate, I replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. and Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So I continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen Were totally soaked and Their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in Such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then have Summoned the farmer and Offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer Said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about prep forecasting. I Obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, With certainty it Means That it will rain. " So the king hired the donkey.
And THUS Began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy ITS MOST influential and highest positions. And the practice is unbroken to this date
:laugh::laugh:
Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day ..
since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Thelma's father thinks a bit then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”
"The whole ISIS group," she says.
"Why them," her father asks in shock?
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they'd love everyone a lot. And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn't hate anyone anymore.”
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard. ”
"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the **** out of them."
kingbaker
23-02-2016, 16:49
Arnold & the prostitute
Arnold, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks in Dartmouth once more, for old times sake and some hot sex.
He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,
but needing some reassurance, he asks,
' How am I doing? '
The prostitute replies,
' Well Arnold, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots. '
' Three knots? ' he asks.
' What's that supposed to mean? '
She says,
' You're knot hard,
you're knot in, and you're
knot getting your money back. ':crylaughing::crylaughing:
The man who invented throat lozenges has died.....
There will be no coffin at his funeral....:lol:
The man who invented throat lozenges has died.....
There will be no coffin at his funeral....:lol:
Just a few Fisherman's Friends .. :D
Ecky Thump
23-02-2016, 22:31
One for essexeddie @ marbro8 .......:D
I was in a pet shop today in London when I noticed a Muslim girl with the most
Amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.
"Where did you get that from?" I asked.
"Germany. There's bloody thousands of 'em!" said the parrot.
what a job i have got i peel the spuds slice the spuds batter the spuds then fry them am i frittering my life away
Ecky Thump
24-02-2016, 22:30
.Another one for marbro8 :lol:
The British Squaddie.
An Indian, an Arab, and a British Squaddie are in the same bar.
When the Indian finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoot the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In India , our glasses are so cheap we don't need
to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer
(cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make
glasses that we don't need to drink with The same one twice either.'
The Squaddie, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his 45, and shoots the
Indian and the Arab,
Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, he says, 'In Britain, we have so many immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
.Another one for marbro8 :lol:
The British Squaddie.
An Indian, an Arab, and a British Squaddie are in the same bar.
When the Indian finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoot the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In India , our glasses are so cheap we don't need
to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer
(cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make
glasses that we don't need to drink with The same one twice either.'
The Squaddie, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his 45, and shoots the
Indian and the Arab,
Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, he says, 'In Britain, we have so many immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.':crylaughing: bloody hell eric you make me sound like a racist;) let me assure other members although i love my country of birth and am VERY patriotic i am not;)
Ecky Thump
24-02-2016, 22:49
:crylaughing: bloody hell eric you make me sound like a racist;) let me assure other members although i love my country of birth and am VERY patriotic i am not;)
Wait until you meet my Scottish neighbours in March....Mr & Mrs Abdul MacMingin and their seventeen children!:lol:
Wait until you meet my Scottish neighbours in March....Mr & Mrs Abdul MacMingin and their seventeen children!:lol:i will take them out for a coca cola. mind you most of my muslim mates smoke and drink:lol:
i will take them out for a coca cola. mind you most of my muslim mates smoke and drink:lol:
I find that totally amazing, in fact unbelievable ................ that you have mates !! .. :crylaughing: .. marbro8
Ecky Thump
26-02-2016, 13:29
.
LindaD, a very rich & attractive blonde from Scotland.
buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sports car.
She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't go at all.
After trying to drive the car at night for a
week (but without any luck), she furiously
calls the Jaguar dealer, and they send out a technician to her.
The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.
So he turns to the Linda and asks: "Madam, are you sure you are using the right gears?"
Full of anger, Linda replies:
"You Stupid man, how on earth you could ask such a question? I'm not stupid you know!
Of course I am using the right gears;
I use "D" during the day and "N" at night."!!
kingbaker
26-02-2016, 16:15
Ida & The Frog...
An older lady named Ida was somewhat lonely since her cat
died and decided she needed another pet to keep her company.
So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched.
No pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog.
As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.
He whispered,
'I'M LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE
ME HOME. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'
Ida figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else.
So she bought the frog.
She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her..
As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered
to her
'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'!
So, Ida figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous,
sexy, young, handsome prince.
<mime-attachment1.jpg>
THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED IDA’S KISS.
SUDDENLY IDA FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING
FROM HIS KISS. NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IDA
TURNED INTO?
COME ON GUESS!
*
*
*
*
*
SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST HOLIDAY INN
SHE COULD FIND!!!
She's old...... NOT DEAD!!!!! OLD LADIES ROCK!:crylaughing::crylaughing::crylaughing:
Not Exactly as I Remember .....
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little ''bar steward'':lol:
********************
Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.:devil2:
********************
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.:bootyshake:
********************
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.:bootyshake:
********************
Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock:D
********************
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay;)
********************
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad ....
She got a fur coat, jewels and a sports car.:D
************************************************** ****
You have to be old enough to appreciate this If you don't
understand, it is because you're just too young!:crylaughing:
Ecky Thump
26-02-2016, 21:54
.
A Scotsman walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase we scotsmen normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping. Thinking that he was extremely well endowed, he then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door." When he reached her counter he said loudly, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a proud Scottish soldier standing in there at attention?"
The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. .....
All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags!!!
Wise Words.
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
...
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on decoys for duck hunting instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't hunted in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he ...would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the chemist, and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tyre. "
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of 10p coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they
spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."
"And believe me Mr, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
After his examination the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear
to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, I
am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears To be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
She replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you
know why?"
"Oh that crazy old bugger," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."
Frank and Fiona were making passionate love in Frank's van when suddenly Fiona, who was a bit on the kinky side, and had just read "50 Shades of Grey", yells out,
"Oh fat boy, whip me, whip me!"
...
Frank, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Fiona, a little too embarrassed that she had even had sex with Frank, let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits, "Yes I did."
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims: "I thought so because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
kingbaker
08-03-2016, 03:03
After my recent Prostate Exam at t he General Hospital ,
which was one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had,
the Doctor left and the nurse came in.
As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....
She said...."Who Was That guy?" :cheeky::cheeky:
I answered the phone this morning all i heard was sneezing another cold caller
I answered the phone this morning all i heard was sneezing another cold caller
That's all stopped for me now with BT Call Guardian .. peace perfect peace .. :sunburn:
Ecky Thump
09-03-2016, 09:40
A man was dining
alone in a fancy
restaurant and
there was a
gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next
table. He had been
checking
her out since he sat
down, but lacked
the nerve to talk
with her.
Suddenly she
sneezed, and her
glass eye came
flying out of its
socket towards the
man. He reflexively
reached out,
grabbed it out of
the air, and handed
it back.
'Oh my, I am so
sorry,' the woman
said, as she popped
her eye back in
place. 'Let me buy
your dinner to make
it up to you.'
They enjoyed a
wonderful dinner
together, and
afterwards they
went to the theatre
followed by drinks.
They talked, they
laughed, she shared
her deepest dreams
and he shared his.
She listened to him
with interest.
After paying for
everything, she
asked him if he
would like to come
to her place for a
nightcap and stay
for breakfast. They
had a wonderful,
wonderful time.
The next morning,
she cooked a
gourmet meal with
all the trimmings.
The chap was
amazed. Everything
had been so
incredible!
'You know,' he said,
'you are the perfect
woman. Are you
this nice to every
man you meet?'
'No,' she replies. ......
Wait for It ..................
It's coming ........ ......
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She said ....... ........
'You just happened
To catch my eye.'
:wow:
Hear the one about the Moderator who apologised ? ... :crylaughing:
Ecky Thump
09-03-2016, 09:58
Hear the one about the Moderator who apologised ? ... :crylaughing:
And the quip of the year goes to Medman for his ....:D
kengleong
11-03-2016, 08:10
Hahah, funny joke :)
BINGO....
A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright
lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat.
'Begorrah, Colleen,' says her mother. 'Tis a lovely soft coat yer
wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?'
Colleen replies, 'Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have
wonderful prizes in London?'
When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but
she's back to visit her mum a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wrist watch and a
large diamond ring.
Same exchange with Mum...same 'Won it at bingo!'
Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back.
This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond
necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her mother
1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo.
Then she asks Mum to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.
When Colleen gets to the bathroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water
in the bath. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mum being so cheap with
the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs,' Mum!
Sure now, didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!'
'Indeed there is, me darlin,' replies her Mum. 'But we don't want ye
getting yer bingo card wet now, do we?'
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around
9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and
stared up at the TV.
The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was
covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building
preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy
on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to
his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob,
saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I
knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
kingbaker
18-03-2016, 21:36
Subject: Cardiologist's Funeral
Cardiologist's Funeral
An acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...
A Cardiologist's Funeral
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate
funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge
heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service
as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy,
the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed,
sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..
At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my
own funeral.... I'm a gynoecologist.'
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
Andrea found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.
He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring,
she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer ".
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Ecky Thump
24-03-2016, 18:35
Password
A lady helps her husband install a new computer.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password:
selecting a word that he'll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife
and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye,
he selects a word:
Mypenis
As he hits "enter," to validate the selection, his wife
collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!!
The computer had replied:
Too Short - Access Denied.
Nytehawk
27-03-2016, 18:49
Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and
was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it
has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."
Nytehawk
07-04-2016, 22:53
You'll be fine," the Doctor said after finishing the young woman's surgery.
"But", she asked, "how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again Doctor?"
The Surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye.
The girl was alarmed. "What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, yes, you'll be fine.
It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out".
Ecky Thump
11-04-2016, 19:30
In the beginning:
God Said, 'Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.'
Adam Said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You Want me to do?'
God Said, 'Go down
Into that Valley.'
Adam said, 'What's
A Valley?'
God explained it to
Him. Then God said,
'Cross the River.'
Adam said, 'What's a
River?'
God explained that
to him, and then said,
'Go over to the Hill....'
Adam said, What is a hill?'
So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On the
Other side of the Hill you will find a cave.'
Adam said, What’s a cave?
After God explained, He
Said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a
Woman?'
So God explained
That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
Want you to reproduce.'
Adam said, 'How do I do
That?'
God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....'
And then, Just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as Well. So, Adam goes down
Into the valley, across the river, and Over the hill,
Into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.
God, His patience
Wearing thin, said Angrily, 'What is It Now?'
And Adam said....
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
'What's a headache?'
Christian Ho
16-04-2016, 03:57
House for rent, € 2,-- / month
Dear Costumer,
Here I want to show you, how to live nicely, without spending a lot of money! Have a look at the following property. Apart from the very attractive rent, one shouldn’t miss the beautiful views and gorgeous gardens you can enjoy here. Even the enormous terrace is furnished according to style, which was not easy to achieve! For the next rain season the building of a swimming pool is planed, which will increase significantly the value of this property! I hope you like the project.
With kind regards, your Christian Ho
Google search: Lot of fresh air
or use this link: https://youtu.be/YAk6c5rtqIo
Psychiatrist vs. Bartender
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him:"I've got problems.
Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I Think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink.
Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"One hundred fifty pounds per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
"Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" He asked.
"Well, at £150 a visit, three times a week for a year, that's £23,400.00.
A Bartender cured me for £10.00.
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new Pickup truck."
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a Bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."
It's always better to get a second opinion. .. :lol:
A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to £10,000.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.
In a few minutes he returned.
"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay. "I'll paint you in the nude all
right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe my brushes.
jambo1874
11-06-2016, 07:33
What's slightly bigger than your foot, leathery and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe
Teacher asks her junior class 'What part of the body expands up to 10 times in size when stimulated?'
Little Janie puts up her hand & says 'Miss you're disgusting, you shouldn't be teaching us stuff like that!'.
Johnny raises & says 'Is it the iris of the eye?'
Teacher says 'Well done Johhny, & Janie -
1, You didn't do your homework,
2, You have a dirty mind &
3, One day you are going to be VERY disappointed!!.. :)
MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM..
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that some ??of this part is the truth!!!!)
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19 Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Ecky Thump
26-07-2016, 17:59
Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs.
The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning.
As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic
As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.
One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
'Hello...Hello !' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me?
For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there?'
Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine,
"VOTE FOR CORBEN ".
Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, 'Oh, thank you, God!
At least Dopey is still alive!!
Ecky Thump
02-08-2016, 19:53
.
This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'
Ecky Thump
03-08-2016, 18:09
Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100.'
The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?
The American Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk!! '
Ecky Thump
05-08-2016, 10:34
: CHOICES
When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the
entrance exam to go to Medical School .
One of the questions asked us, was to rearrange the letters
PNEIS into the name of an important human body part, which is most useful
when erect.
Those who answered 'spine' are doctors today.
The rest of us are sending jokes via email.
Nytehawk
14-08-2016, 23:43
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite
cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Scotland .
It was absolutely wonderful,
it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried,
the cow would move away from the bull,
and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to
the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and
ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other
side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Scotland .
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
"My wife is from Scotland".
Ecky Thump
23-09-2016, 18:56
.
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions
at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose
to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that most women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Two obnoxious businessmen
in a new shopping mall...
were sitting down for a
break in their soon-to-be
new shop...
As yet, the shop wasn't
ready, with only a few
shelves set up.
One said to the other,
"I bet any minute now
some senior pensioner is
going to walk by, put their
face to the window, and
ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words
out of his mouth when,
sure enough, a curious old
woman walked to the
window, had a peek, and in
a soft voice asked,
"What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically,
"We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,
"Must be doing well... Only two left.....
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