View Full Version : Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here
Ecky Thump
28-10-2016, 11:27
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A Joke for Peanuts :cheeky:
Little Willy Peanut
Little Willie Peanut comes home one day and says, "Mom! Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!"
"What do you mean, Peanut? Is it shaped like a peanut?"
"Oh No," Little Willie Peanut says. "It tastes salty." !!
************************************************** *
Golden Syrup
A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Xmas
fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and
his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover
your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes
a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note.
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really
look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the
company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his
bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later
he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of
Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg
up your **** and go as a toffee apple.
Ecky Thump
29-10-2016, 13:02
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DOGS vs. WIVES
Sixteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
1. The later you are, the more
excited your dog is to see you
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them
by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave lots
of things on the floor.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're ******.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.
11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.
13. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit pondering why you don't lick 'em.
14. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on, without calling you a pervert.
15. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.
And last, but not least:
16. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.
To verify these statements: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.
Then open the door, and observe who's happy to see you!
.
A Joke for Peanuts :cheeky:
Little Willy Peanut
Little Willie Peanut comes home one day and says, "Mom! Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!"
"What do you mean, Peanut? Is it shaped like a peanut?"
"Oh No," Little Willie Peanut says. "It tastes salty." !!
************************************************** *
Golden Syrup
A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Xmas
fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and
his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover
your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes
a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note.
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really
look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the
company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his
bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later
he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of
Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg
up your **** and go as a toffee apple.
So funny Mini me LOL
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North & South Dakota,( which shall be handed back to the Indians).
Our new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
Catholic Heart Attack
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 000 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the catholic Hospital he was taken to.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board
loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied,
"Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law!"
i ate some korean meat balls last night they were the dogs boll***S
I have a phobia about German sausage ............ yes I fear the wurst ! ........ :doh:
Ecky Thump
08-12-2016, 10:49
LIE CLOCKS
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates
He saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “What are all those clocks for?”
St. Peter answered, “ Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on
Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.”
“Oh”, said the man, “Whose clock is that?”
“That’s Mother Theresa’s,” replied St. Peter. “The hands have never
moved, indicating that she never told a lie”
“Incredible” said the man. “ And whose clock is that one?”
St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham Lincoln told only two lies in his
entire life.”
“Where’s Donald Trump’s and Hilary Clinton’s clocks?” asked the man.
St. Peter replied………….
“WE’RE USEING THEM AS CEILING FANS!"
Ecky Thump
11-12-2016, 15:24
How to impressh the nurse
The last time I was sick and landed in hospital.
This one nurse just drove me crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk
to me like I was a little child.
She would say in a patronising tone of voice,
“And how are we doing this morning?”
Or
“Are we ready for a bath?” or
“Are we hungry?”
I had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice
off the tray and put it in my bedside stand.
Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing.
So you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a while later, picked up the
urine sample bottle, looked at it and said,
“My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.”
At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand,
popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying,
“Well, I'll run it through again.
Maybe I can filter it better this time!”
The nurse fainted... I just smiled!
Policeman attends a routine call about a domestic dispute.
After assessing the situation he radios control..
"We now have a murder case."
The woman has murdered her husband for walking on the floor she has just mopped.
"Do you have her in custody?"
"Not yet the floor is still wet!"
Newton's third law of Emotion:
For every male action, there is a
female overreaction.
.................................................. ...................................
I've just noticed the Mrs is wearing her
sexy underwear.
This can only mean one thing...
She's behind with the washing.
.................................................. ......................
Arguing with a woman is like reading a
software licence agreement, in the end
you ignore it all, wait for the end and
click "I agree"
.................................................. ............
Finally there's been agreement between man and a woman!
Named U L T I M A T U M....
dznstudios
13-12-2016, 15:18
I was going to apply for a job as a police negotiator today, but was talked out of it.
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Whats the difference between a vitamin and a hormone.
You can’t make a vitamin.
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What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass
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Just been banned from a Christian dating website. Apparently "Hung_Like_Jesus" isn't an appropriate user name?
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I've got a friend who's nickname is shagger.. You might think.. that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.
i saw sean connery taking a dump on the beach it was a ****e for shore eyes
Marvin Moore
06-01-2017, 06:17
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
.................................................. ................
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
just back from a visit to the zoo saw a slice of toast in an enclosure it was bread in captivity
Marvin Moore
10-01-2017, 12:58
My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
.................................................. ..........................................
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
starting a new charity in calais shave the children
you can tell a lot about a woman by her ankles if there over your shoulders she probably likes you
Marvin Moore
23-01-2017, 07:47
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
mr muscle loves the jobs you hate. hes polish then
Ecky Thump
23-01-2017, 21:43
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
"So, you are the great Lone Ranger"...
"In honor of the
Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I
kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request?'
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who
whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that
evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's
tent
And spends the night.
The next morning the Indian
Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal
horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days."
"What
is your SECOND request?"
Silver is brought to him, and he again
whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and
disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's
surprise, Silver again returns,
This time with a voluptuous
brunette,
More attractive than the blonde. The Lone Ranger again
asks to speak to his horse.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends
the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again
impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST
request?"
The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to
speak to my horse...alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and
Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone,
the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and
says,
"Listen Very
Carefully!!!
FOR...THE...LAST...TIME...
"BRING POSSE, NOT
PUSSY!"
the most popular chocolate at a mexican funeral....is a somber aero
Stevie Wonder is on tour in China and the place is packed to the rafters
After a number of songs the place goes crazy,the audience are on their feet screaming for more with one little Chinese fella shouting.. A Jazz Chord..A Jazz Chord.
So the band and Stevie break into a medley of jazz numbers when they have finished the crowd go crazy for more.
The little Chinese fella shouts.
.AJazz Chord.. A Jazz Chord...
So the band and Stevie go about another few numbers but the little Chinese fella isn't happy so Stevie says come up here onto the stage and explain.
So the little Chinese fella gets on the stage and starts singing
A Jazz Chord to say I ruv you..
.
A woman invited Her new Boyfriend to stay the night at Her Home.
They spent some hours enjoying discovering each other.
When the man came up for air, He saw a picture on the bedside cabinet.
It was of a man who looked vaguely familiar, so he asked if it was an ex.
No she said, so he asked if it was her brother or father.
No was the answer again.
Half an hour later, they both came up for air and he asked again, who was he?
So she told him, it was me before my operation...................................
i took my dog for his first swim today now the staff at the leisure center have banned us
Marvin Moore
30-01-2017, 11:49
Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
Ecky Thump
03-02-2017, 09:34
A plane performs an emergency landing on a small island inhabited by cannibals.
A son and his father were close so they went to see if there were any survivors. They stand near the plane door and a fat guy comes out, the son says, “Dad, are we going to eat him?” The father replies, “No son, look how fat he is, we might get diabetes.”
After a while a really skinny man comes out of the plane, the son again says, “Dad, are we going to eat him?” The father replies, “No son, he’s too skinny, he won’t be able to feed us.”
After a while a gorgeous looking female flight attendant with an amazing body comes out of the plane, the son again says, “Dad, are we going to eat her?” The father says, “No son, we’re taking her home, we’ll eat your mother!!.”
my wife is always getting on to me. Tonight i was sitting on the bed pulling my boxers off when she walked in and said you spoil those dogs
Ecky Thump
03-02-2017, 21:05
Extreme Sign Language :)
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can’t see each other signing, or read lips.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: ‘Honey, Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times. The husband thinks this is a great idea.
He writes back to his wife that if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on his penis one hundred and fifty times.
:lol:
Ecky Thump
05-02-2017, 11:41
Jane and Arlene are outside their old folks home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any chemist.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local chemists and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted!
how do the chinese name their babies .....they drop them down the stairs and see what noise they make
Ecky Thump
07-02-2017, 13:47
Praise For Your Plums :)
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.” You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.” We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Tom Smith.” The entire congregation held its breath. “I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”
my wife is in a bad mood and this was after i booked a table for valentines day for us......well i didnt know she couldnt play snooker
Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited and arrange to meet for lunch.
Jan arrives first wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Gris with three glasses. Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. They all hug and she too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal .
Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University , studied to be a doctor and then became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy.
Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Paul. They live in Essex where they grow their own vegetables and run a tropical bird park. Paul can stand five parrots side by side, on his erect penis.
Several hours later, after the third bottle of Pinot, Jan breaks down and blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco and they live in a small house in Bromley with a caravan parked in the front drive.
Sue, chastened by Jan's honesty, bursts into tears and admits that she and Clive are actually nursing care assistants in an old people's home in Peckham. They live in a Council house and take camping holidays in Kent.
Mary finally cracks and admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
I was filling up the car at the local garage petrol station so i went inside to get a few bits from the shop.
When I walked up I noticed two really young cops were watching a woman smoking a cigarette while filling up.
I saw her & thought "what an idiot....with the police right there too". I went in and got a couple bits and bobs ,as I was paying I heard someone screaming. I looked outside & the woman's arm was on fire!!! She was swinging her arm & running around going ballistic!! I rushed outside to help & the cops had put her on the ground & we're putting the fire out with their coffee!! Then, they put handcuffs on her & threw her in the police car. I was thinking "she shouldn't have been smoking & pumping petrol!" But being the nosey person that I am, I asked them what they were arresting her for? The policeman looked me dead in the eye & said "WAVING A FIREARM!"
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Just been in HMV and asked the lad at the counter if he had anything by The Doors
He said "Just a security guard and a fire extinguisher."
having a picture of a smiling baby in your wallet increases the chance of it being returned by 35 per cent..... not if gary glitter finds it though
A blonde holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if she can use the stores baby scales
"Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first."
"Oh, that won't work," says the blonde.
"Why not?" asks the clerk.
"Because," she answers, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt."
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Seen before but still makes me chuckle, :lol:
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
BE AWARE ...THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother"s labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband"s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the postman was lying dead on their porch.
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Heard about the Chinese chippy that mistook daffodil bulbs for shallots and 4 people were hospitalized !.............they said they'd be out in the spring ! ��
A woman takes her 18-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man!
Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill.
I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
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A series of bodies have been found.
All of the victims were found to be wearing white T-Shirts.
Police can find no sign of a motif.
the wife said butterflies only live for a month. thats a myth i replied. no she said thats definitely a butterfly
Roadkingrider
12-03-2017, 12:35
I've just deleted all my German friends from my mobile's contact list................I wanted it to be Hans free.
One for the Jocks. :tiphat:
Condom factory burns down in ENGLAND
Rt. Hon Andy Burnham MP MINISTER FOR HEALTH is awoken at 4 am by the telephone.
Sorry to bother you at this hour, but there is an emergency!!
I've just received word that the Durex factory in Liverpool has burned to the ground.
It is estimated that the entire English supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week.
Rt. Hon Andy Burnham MP: ***** !!
The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies.... We'll be ruined.
We're going to have to ship some in from France?
Bad idea! The frogs will have a field day on this one.
Junior Minister: What about Scotland?
Rt. Hon Andy Burnham MP: I'll call sturgeon
Tell her we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick.
That way they'll continue to respect the English.
Three days later a delighted Andy Burnham MP
runs out to open the boxes that arrived at the Post Office.
He finds five million condoms. 10 inches long, 3 inches thick,
all coloured blue and white with small writing on each one.
MADE IN SCOTLAND - SIZE: MEDIUM
my wife has just reused a tea bag ..i have taken out a restraining order against her
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car,
A passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, .....
Rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian
"Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says,
"I don't know if its in yet."
" Yeah that's the one."
Nicked off I Love Tenerife FB page for Angusjim
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Nicola Sturgeon was touring Perthshire in the First Minister’s chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumped out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
"You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, ”I can’t afford to be blamed for anything.” The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.
"My goodness, what happened to you?" asks Nicola. The chauffeur replies : "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me." "What on earth did you say to them?" asks Nicola.
"I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said, 'I'm Nicola Sturgeon’s chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'”
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Went to see a band called Corduroy pillows
The,re making headlines everywhere.
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "**** off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough..
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Two army boys, Frankie and Davy, get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.
Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Frankie says, “Hey, Davy – there’s the NCO Club. Let’s you and me stop in and have us a drink.”
“But we’s privates,” protests Davy.
“No, we’s sergeants now,” says Frankie proudly, pulling him inside. “Now, Davy, I’m gonna sit down and have me a drink.”
“But, we’s privates,” says Davy. “You’re blind, boy!” says Frankie, pointing at his stripes. “We’s Sergeants now!”
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Frankie. “You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to take you someplace and make you feel good — but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”
Frankie pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Davy, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it’s good, give me the okay sign.”
Davy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Frankie the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Frankie is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
“Davy,” he shouts, “What did you give me the okay for?!”
“Well Frankie, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates
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BREAKING: news
Cross-Eyed circumciser gets the sack..
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- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
A hunter spots a small brown bear and shoots it. He then feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around, and is face to face with a big black bear. ‘You’ve got two choices,’ says the bear. ‘I maul you, or we have sex.’ The guy opts to have sex with the bear. After recovering for two weeks, the angry hunter goes looking for the big black bear. Just then he feels another tap on his shoulder, and turns to see a 10-foot grizzly standing over him. ‘Admit it,’ says the bear. ‘You don’t come here for the hunting, do you?
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Thanks Ted - that was great:lol:
i am worried something might be wrong with my testicles one seems bigger than the other three
My wife said to me "You only ever want sex when you're drunk" i said "that’s not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"
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A man was marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit. 'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it. She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink. Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?' He looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?'
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh day, resting. He enquired of God, “Where have you been?” God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. “Look Michael, look what I’ve made.” said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?” “It’s a planet.” replied God, “and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it Earth, and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”
“Balance?” replied Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of the Earth. “”For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there will be a continent of black people.”
God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot and arid, while this one will be cold and covered in ice.” The archangel, impressed by God’s work then pointed to a small land mass and said “What’s that one?” “Ah” said God “That’s Britain, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful rivers, streams and hills. The people from Britain are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous, and they’re going to be found travelling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.” Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed “What about balance God? You said there will be BALANCE!”
God replied wisely “Wait until you see the wankers I’m putting next to them in France.”
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the price of lamb in wales has increased to £6-40 an hour
Ecky Thump
12-04-2017, 10:32
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors would become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things and thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years - unless you give them your email address.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issuetomorrow.
Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom.
I played golf the other day with my wife. Hole number 16 runs alongside a dairy farm. We both drove off and her ball went out bounds into the farm. As that was her last ball we decided to go and find it. I lifted up the tail of one of the cows and there was a ball lodged in its backside. I said “this looks like yours”. The doctors are confident I’ll be discharged from hospital within the next three weeks, but I’ll be eating my food through a straw for the rest of my life.
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my wife said butterflies only live for a month. thats a myth i replied. no she said thats definitely a butterfly
Ecky Thump
16-04-2017, 11:35
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother"s labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband"s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the postman was lying dead on their porch.:sorry:
Absolutely devastated.
A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
Ecky Thump
16-04-2017, 22:27
Absolutely devastated.
A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
Brilliant!:crylaughing:
A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.A passing tramp stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself, if you don't mind, could we have sex please?"The woman says, "No, **** off.
"The tramp turns to leave and replies, "Fine, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."
a series of bodies have been found all were wearing plain white Tshirts police are looking for a motif
My french wife fancied a meal to remind her of home. She asked me to go and get a bag of snails. So I went down to the pet shop and got a bag of snails. While I was there I saw one of my old friends and he fancied a pint. I thought "one won't hurt!" So, 12 pints and 6 hours later I'm walking back to our house and I'm about 20 feet from our door and I spill all the snails on the floor, at that moment the wife swings the door open and shouts " where the hell have you been !!!!! ?"
I thought quickly and turned to the snails and shouted " come on lads! We're nearly there!"
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Ecky Thump
23-04-2017, 11:27
Robin Hood's girlfriend
Somewhere in Ireland a teacher asks her class: " Begorrah, now kids, can anyone be telling me the der name of Robin Hood's girlfriend? "
Young Paddy raises his hand and says, " Oi tink dat it is Trudy Glenn Miss”.
"No Paddy " says the teacher. "The answer is Maid Marion ".
But Miss, what about dat song we used to sing: “Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glenn”.
I bet you're singing it now??
SORRY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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History of the Condom
I've always been a student of history but I didn't know this.
In 1272, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
i once went to a scottish golf club there was a sign that said all scottish members must refrain from picking up lost golf balls until they have stopped rolling
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Marlene Ash
25-04-2017, 02:19
Hahahaha!!! This made my day. Thanks!
Wonderfully British!
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy.
You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me!
I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied,
"How very sporting of your mother!"
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Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.
Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes.
When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque.
Finally Nicola Sturgeon gets her turn and calls Scotland for 4 hours. When she's finished, the devil informed her that there would be no charge and feel free to call Scotland anytime.
Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil why did Nicola Sturgeon got to call Scotland free.
The devil replied, "Since Nicola Sturgeon became First Minister of Scotland, the Country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick.
So he dialed the employee's home phone number after a number of rings he was answered by child's whisper
"Hello?"
'Is your daddy home?' '
Small voice whispered, 'Yes, he's out in the garden ,'
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered,' No.'
So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?'
'Yes she's out in the garden too'
The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?'
Again, 'No'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes, whispered the child,' a policeman . '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, He's busy,' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. '
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
It's a helicopter 'answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
'The search team just landed a helicopter
' A search team?' said the boss.
'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... 'ME '...
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"For all these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your tits."
“Oh!”, she said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."
A Little Taliban Humor…
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!”
"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."
"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace!
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!”
Just witnessed totally disgusting behaviour on the beach this morning.
A man and woman were arguing in front of a load of kids then she smacked him one on the head and it all kicked off between them,
the Police turned up and the Policeman ended up using his baton on the bloke but the man actually managed to get the baton off the copper and started hitting the copper and the woman with it.
Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages as the man shouted 'That’s the way to do it'!
A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.
The couple produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean, well maintained and equipped with a beautiful bedroom for the child.
The social workers raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
The social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare, and diet. In addition, there are 17 other children who travel with their circus parents."
The social workers were finally satisfied. They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits into the cannon."
An electrician from the US prison service has refused to do maintenance on the electric chair .
He said, in his professional opinion , it was a death trap..
A guy calls the hospital and says, “You gotta send help! My wife’s going into labor!”
The nurse says, “Calm down. Is this her first child?”
To which he replies, “No! This is her ****ing husband!”
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Wee Johnny asked furra TV in his room, and his Father, reluctantly, agrees.The next day, Johnny came downstairs and asked, "Dad, whats love juice?"
His father looked horrified, but decides tae give little Johnny the dreaded sex talk,The poor wee boy just sat there, mouth wide open in amazement, until his Dad asked, "So what were you watching?"
Johnny replied, "Wimbledon.
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.
One day he finds a theatre where they are willing to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line, 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long, before the play, he's practising his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage and, with great passion, delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter, and the director was steaming: "You bloody fool!," he cried, "You've ruined me!" The actor was bewildered, "What happened? Did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned ...'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out........
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Ecky Thump
09-05-2017, 19:51
Little AngusJim was sitting on a park bench in Aberdeen eating on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.
Little ANGUS replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little ANGUS answered, 'No, but he minded his own Bl***y business.'
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Waterloo station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
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Thomas & Jason were walking along a street in London.
Thomas looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".
Thomas said to Jason , "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune.
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking cos if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap Scotsmen and try to screw us. I'll put on my best London accent".
"OK Thomas , I'll keep me mouth shut" said Jason.
They go in and Thomas said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load them on, old chap!
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Thomas. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners
i woke up to a blow job this morning thats the last time i fall asleep on the train with my mouth open
Guy goes to doctor "Doctor I think my penis is shaped like a trumpet"
Doctor: "Ok let me have a look?"
The guy drops his trousers and the Doc says "Wow, you're right it DOES look like a trumpet, and it's weird had a woman in here yesterday who had a vagina that looks like a mouth organ"
Guy says: "Yeah that that would be 'Our Monica'
ashleybroke
16-05-2017, 13:56
Is there any new jock all jocks are old and here before
Ecky Thump
16-05-2017, 15:27
Is there any new jock all JOCKS are old and here before
I'm certainly not a 'Old Jock', quite the opposite, I'm a very virile 'Jock' from Scotland. :D
Is there any new jock all jocks are old and here before
Feel free to post some new jokes of your own
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ashleybroke
17-05-2017, 13:04
A family of mice was surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
It's good to stay in shape....
Anyway last week I found a hole in my trainer that I could fit my finger in...
Problem is I now have a lifetime ban from the gym and she has taken out a restraining order on me... Which is fair really.
ashleybroke
19-05-2017, 12:32
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."
Ecky Thump
19-05-2017, 13:05
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."
Ahhh, the old ones are best! :D
A sailor washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon, Leader of the Scottish Nationalists.
That evening, the man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and
leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nicola batted her eyelashes, smiles sweetly and asked if there was anything she could do for him?
He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'
A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches
into a pharmacy.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out
a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal
a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds - to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the
silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana,
replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches
out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great
shout go up outside, followed by an even greater
shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the
chemist’s and addresses the proprietor, this time
with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
We'll have a new one."
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Probably been posted before,
She's single and drop dead gorgeous... She lives right across the street.
I can see her place from my kitchen window. I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street in a low cut halter top and tight shorts, up my driveway and knocked on the door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong sexual urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight. Are you doing anything?"
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"
"Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"
Being a senior citizen really sucks!
She's single and drop dead gorgeous... She lives right across the street.
I can see her place from my kitchen window. I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street in a low cut halter top and tight shorts, up my driveway and knocked on the door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong sexual urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight. Are you doing anything?"
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"
"Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"
Being a senior citizen really sucks!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, “what happened ?”
The man explained "Well, doc, it's like this, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
My mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back. Half way through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand." The tattooist said "For f - sake, give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban.....
Thomas goes into a 'Fun House' in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a professional.
He asks her, "How much do you charge for the hour?"
"£100," she replies.
So he asks, "Okay do you do Glasgow style?"
She says "No!"
He then asks her, "I'll pay you £200 to do it Glasgow style?"
She again says no, not knowing what Glasgow style was! So he then offers her £300. Again she declines his offer. So finally he says, "I'll give you £500 to go Glasgow style with me!"
Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10 years now, I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could Glasgow style be?"
So she goes ahead and has it with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible way. Finally, after several intense hours they finish. Exhausted she turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Glasgow style' come in?"
Thomas replies . . . "I'll pay you next week"
........"Any resemblance to actual persons, Living or dead, is purely coincidental".........[emoji14]
Another oldie
A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies: "yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army," he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says: "That will give you five extra points toward employment."
Then he asks: "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says: "Yes, a mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says: "OK, you've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8am to 4pm but you can start tomorrow at 10am, and carry on starting at 10am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks: "If the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me here until 10am? I'm not looking for any special treatment."
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you coming in for that."
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous, “says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .........
"What the f**k would they want with a plasterer??!"
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Another oldie
On a beautiful summer’s day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysili ogogoch they stopped for lunch,
and one of the tourists asked the waitress.
‘Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly? ‘
The girl leaned over and said, ‘ Burrr . gurrr . king ‘
i was out walking today someone hit me with a sweet smelling burning stick i was incensed
A midget goes to the library and asks the assistant,
"Do you have any books about midget discrimination ?"
"Certainly sir" replied the assistant, "top shelf."
This is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland, UK
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT
2.. FEET SHOULDER-WIDTH APART
3. FORM A LOOSE GRIP
4. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE!
NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL,
GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.
Ecky Thump
01-06-2017, 18:27
This is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland, UK
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT .....Be prepared (see below)
2.. FEET SHOULDER-WIDTH APART....Brace yourself Laddie, the farmers bulls on the loose!!
3. FORM A LOOSE GRIP...................Limp wristed Jessie
4. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!.............. Dinnae upset any wan
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER...............Keep oot the watter ye numptie!
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE................. aye that'll be right
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU...Nae comment
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS..............Pish aff!!
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING............Haud yea wheesht
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES..........The pubs open
WELL DONE........Flannel merchant
NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL,.......That's Pish.
GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.. ......Yer bums oot the windae..
A few amendments.:D
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in Insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap…it's £1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
So the man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're having granite worktops and a new fridge-freezer."
In the great days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said:
"You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
“I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted: "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.
.
.
.
.
.
“Tell him about the day you told the Witch Doctor to **** off."
Danille Gerow
06-06-2017, 08:55
LOL! That's funny. It made my day. Thanks! Hahaha
A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gunwharf Quays.
As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you babe?" he asked.
"Yes, I am." replied the sobbing girl.
Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge. "Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for
Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me - if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found".
The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn.
Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine
inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation.
The girl came clean, "I've stowed away to get to Australia . One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food and water every night and he's screwing me."
The captain stared at her for a moment before he replied, "He certainly is love.
This is the Isle of Wight Ferry.
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sometimes when you cry no one sees your tears .........sometimes when you are worried no one sees your pain..........sometimes when you are happy no one sees your smile ..........but just fart once
Squaddie joke.
A young guardsman is on the gate at Buckingham palace. The RSM walks up to him and says "Right lad, the Queen is out on public duties I want to know the minute she gets back here, do you understand? The minute she's back you let me know".
"Yes sir " says the young guardsman.
So 10 minutes later a big limo pulls in through the gates, the guardsman stops the car, pops his head in and says " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "
"No I'm princess Ann"
"ok sorry to delay you, proceed".
The next limo pulls in and he sticks his head in the window " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "
"No I'm princess Margaret".
" Ok sorry to delay you ma'am, proceed.
Next limo pulls in and same again, he sticks his head in the window, "Scuse me ma'am, are you the Queen?."
"Yes I'm the Queen".
"Right" he says. "Well make yourself scarce love cos the RSM is lookin for you".
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says,
"This is phenomenal.
You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.
However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers.
I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."
"But wait," the man says.
"If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin.
He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer,
"that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed.
"Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"
She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
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an old woman goes into the dentist and sits in the chair lowers her draws and raises her legs in the air the dentist says i am sorry but i am not a gynaecologist the old gel says i know i want you to take my husbands teeth out
I went to the Patent office to register some of my camping inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"
"A Fottle."
"What else do you have?"
"I have also invented a folding carton."
Again she said, "what do you call it?"
"A Farton."
She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products, and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]
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I used to be addicted to the hokey cokey but I managed to turn myself around.
And that's what it's all about.
what do you call a scotsman with diarrhoea... Bravefart
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church.
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.’
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ‘Father,
it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.’
This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who is this Fanny Green?’
‘A new woman in the neighborhood,’ the sinner replied.
‘Very well,’ sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon,
a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ‘Is that Fanny Green?’
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,
‘No Father, I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes’
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In a small English village chemist shop a new female assistant was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public, but the Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.
"Look" he said. "My regular customers are also a little shy so they don't ask for condoms; they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned”.
The first day was fine, but on the second day a large black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said "350" please.
The girl panicked. She phoned the chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs. "Yes! Yes!" she shouted down the phone. "He's got one hanging there!”
The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner!"
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A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One British Royal Marine is better than ten Isis fighters". The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One Royal Marine is better than one hundred Isis 'S.O.B.'s'". Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The voice calls out again: "One Royal Marine is better than a thousand Isis fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought ..... then silence.
Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men ... it's a trap. There's two of the *******s."
Staff Party!
Bill woke up after the annual office Christmas party.
He had a pounding headache, was cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
“Samantha" he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn.
"You made a complete **** of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the Chairman of the company, right to his face."
"He's an ars*******," Bill said, "I could pi*** on him."
"You did," came the reply, “And he fired you."
"Well, f*** him then" said Bill.
"I did" said Samantha, "You're back at work on Monday.
I'm not having you hanging around the house all day.”
A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One British Royal Marine is better than ten Isis fighters". The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One Royal Marine is better than one hundred Isis 'S.O.B.'s'". Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The voice calls out again: "One Royal Marine is better than a thousand Isis fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought ..... then silence.
Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men ... it's a trap. There's two of the *******s."
Great. Thanks Ted.......................:lol::lol::lol:
Jeremy Corbyn goes to the bank...
Jeremy: "Could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?"
Corbyn: "I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I'm Jeremy Corbyn, Leader of the Labour Party and the Opposition!!"
Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are Sir, but with all the bank regulations, monitoring, impostors and forgers etc., I must insist on seeing some identification".
Corbyn "Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!"
Cashier: "I'm sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them".
Corbyn: "I'm urging you, please cash this cheque for me".
Cashier: "Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomerie came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomerie he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Colin Montgomerie and we cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray.
Corbyn starts to think and think and finally says, "To be honest, there is nothing that comes into my mind. In fact I can't think of a single thing that I'm any good at."
Cashier: "Will it be large or small notes you require Mr Corbyn?
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small boy sitting on a wall, along comes a Man and asks for directions to the Post Office.
the Lad describes where to go and the Man says, "I am the new Vicar, if You and your Mummy come to Church
on Sunday, I will tell you how to get to heaven".
The boy started laughing and told him He was taking the Mick. You don't even know where the Post Office is Mister.
There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened.. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And then?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing he could do. He pulled down his pants…………….
SM: Oh, no! What happened then………….?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty.
NOW ……………..Say two Hail Marys!
COMPASSION?
A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. She was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig' she cried 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you ... I want a divorce right away!' The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days... So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.' The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘ ‘Please ...
Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use’?
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Man comes home to find his mate shagging his wife so he stabs the barsteward to death...
His wife says ..carry on like that and you,ll have no mates left....
Another oldie :wink:
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro-Graham saw her come into the clubhouse and asked,
'Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?'
'I was stung by a bee', she said.
'Where?', he asked.
'Between the first and second hole', she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet were too far apart.'
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
Afghan Desert.
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up
behind the mess tent.
He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the
post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly
The Camel.
The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand
about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain
starts having his own 'urges'.
Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls
his pants down and makes passionate love to the camel.
When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'
'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls
are."
The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body... The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But old the Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. It's a local delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry Senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'
Andrew the drover from a huge cattle station in the Australian outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered.
"Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the **** out of the lot of ya!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"A couple of minutes ago!!
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I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 30+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.........
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,...........
" What's for dinner, Zorro?"
Two University students decide to make an engine that runs on vaseline.
After a period of time they have accomplished this and decide to test it in a car to see how economical it is.
They build the car and head out in the country and its going great about 100 miles to a small jar of vaseline.
Eventually the car stops in the middle of no where around dinner time as they are out of vaseline.
They both exit the car and are figuring what to do next when one of the students sees a house in the distance on a hill.
What they don't know is that the people in the house have a rule that after dinner the first person who speak has to wash up.
The two students arrive at the door and knock but there is no answer although they can hear the TV on.
They decide to enter the house to check this out and find the entire family (Father, Mother, Daughter) sitting around the TV and not uttering a word.
One of the students says "We've broken down up the road. Do you mind if we have something to drink !"
No one says anything so the two students open the fridge and take out two beers and sit on the couch with the family.
They then request another beer and as no one says anything they have a second beer each.
One of the students feels a bit amorous and asks the father if he minds if he has sex with his daughter and still gets no reply.
He has his way with the daughter and she doesn't utter a word.
The other student thinks that this is ok and asks the father if he can have sex with the wife.
Still nothing is said and he has his way with the wife and she also does not utter a word.
They have another beer each and still no word from anyone.
As they get up to leave one of the students says "By the way does anyone have any vaseline".
The father jumps up and says "I'll do the washing up!!!".
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Another Oldie
STEVIE WONDER IN CHINA
Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.
A little chinese man jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The china man jumps out of his seat again and shouts - "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord.
A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.
But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!. Stevie is really peed off now that this man doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage -
OK smartie, you get up here and do it..
The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing.
a jazz chord.. to say..I ruv you
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Paddy's dog has been missing for a couple of days and he's heartbroken.
Paddy's wife says " why don't you put a notice in the newsagents window?"
Paddy thinks this is great idea so he writes out a note and sticks it in the shop window.
After another couple of days pass his missus says " I thought we would have heard something by now Paddy, what did you write in the notice?"
Paddy answers "Here Boy!!".
Do you remember that game we used to play, knock knock ginger, when we knocked on someones door and then ran away?
Well,some people still play it, but they call it Parcelforce.
West mids tyke
27-07-2017, 19:35
How did the farmer find his wife? Tractor
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Breaking news: £45 billion found in a flat in Nigeria.
The owner said: "I've been trying to give it away for the past 10 years but nobody returned my emails"
Do you remember that game we used to play, knock knock ginger, when we knocked on someones door and then ran away?
Well,some people still play it, but they call it Parcelforce.
That is so true
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"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Scousers.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Croxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari
management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the Scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
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Another Oldie
STEVIE WONDER IN CHINA
Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.
A little chinese man jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The china man jumps out of his seat again and shouts - "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord.
A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.
But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!. Stevie is really peed off now that this man doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage -
OK smartie, you get up here and do it..
The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing.
a jazz chord.. to say..I ruv you
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Bloody hell Ted.....................................:hello::he llo::devil2:
C,mon Ted more repeats here lately than the wind out of my missus ......:liar:
C,mon Ted more repeats here lately than the wind out of my missus ......:liar:
Sorry, :ashamed:
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
While golfing, a senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon.
A very attractive, young, female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?"
"I’m OK, thanks," he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later."
The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
"That’s mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don’t think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now!" she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak.
"Well, OK," he finally agreed.
After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now."
"Don’t be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. Your wife won’t know anything By the way, where is she?"
He replied, "Still under the cart, I suppose."
Mike and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
Mike asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Mike looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Mike..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Mike. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Mike looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?'
'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
'No gym to work out at all?' said Mike
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again'
Mike glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your F**king Bran Flakes. We could have been here years ago!'
Towards the end of a round of golf, Jim hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden ... POOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life... better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'
Then POOF!... she was gone!
After James recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'
Jim shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred!' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'
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An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"Well, the good news is... I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon."Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours.”
"That’s unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just two”, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache.”
you know when you get that urge to eat something just because its there.....and that is why i am no longer a gynaecologist
THE INTERVIEW WITH SEAN CONNERY
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that even though he was 72 he could still have fantastic sex 3 times a night, Cilla Black who was also a guest was intrigued by this.
After the show, Cilla approached Sean and said " I 'ope I'm not bein too forward but I'd like to take you back to my 'ouse and have sex with yer, we could ave a Lorra fun"
They went back to Cillas house and got comfortable. After a couple of stiff drinks they went upstairs and had an hour of mad passionate sex.
Afterwards Sean said "if you think that was good let me shleep for half an hour and we'll have better shex. While I'm shleeping hold me balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand. Cilla looked perplexed but said "okay"
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens and they have better sex than before.
Sean says "that was brilliant Cilla, but if you let me shleep for an hour we can have even better Shex, you'll have to....."
" I know Sean, you want me to hold onto yer bat and balls again, no problem Hun"
Cilla complies with the routine
They have mind blowing sex and after Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me dis oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in my other, does it really stimulate yer that much??"
"Not at all Cilla, just the last time I had Shex with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet"
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we have been married for over twenty years, but I want a divorce.
The husband says nothing, he keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45mph. The wife speaks again. "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it." She says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he is a far better lover than you are."
Again the husband stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55mph. She pushes her luck. "I want the house." She says insistently. Up to 60 mph. "I want the car, too." She continues. 65mph. "And," she says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes her nervous, so she asks him, "Isn't ther anything you want?"
The husband at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need, " he says.
"Oh, really," she inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65mph, the husband turns to her and smiles. "The airbag!"
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A TV company is looking for people from this page to appear in a documentary. They are looking for people with shaved heads, goatee beards, tattoos on knuckles, beer bellies and who can fart/belch at will.
Successful applicants will be allowed to take their husbands along with them.
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands, and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(Wait for it)
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
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liverpool the only city i have seen a baby in a pram parked on bricks
DaveCull
18-08-2017, 15:00
Legoland?
Dave from LPL
I am confused
I used to think that I was just a regular bloke.
I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist.
My politics is right of centre, which makes me a racist..
I am heterosexual, according to some gays and lesbians this now makes me homophobic.
I am non-union which makes me a traitor to the working class, and an ally of big business.
I am non religious , which now labels me as an islamophobe.
I am older than forty, which means I have no right to vote according to most students.
I think I reason, therefore I doubt much that the mainstream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.
I am proud of my heritage, and our inclusive British culture, which now makes me a xenophobe.
I value my safety, and that of my family, and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.
I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individuals merits, which makes me an anti-socialist.
I believe in the defence and protection of the homeland, for and by all citizens, which now makes me a militant.
Please help me come to terms with the new me... because I'm just not sure who I am anymore.
I would love to thank my family and friends, for sticking with me through these abrupt new found changes in my life, and my thinking.
I just can't imagine or understand what's happened to me, and so quickly.
Funny it's all seemed to have happened to me over the last seven or eight years.
.
.
.
As if all this wasn't enough to deal with, I'm now afraid to go into either toilet.
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and the Local Council tolerate Muslim Prayers!
That description fits many nowadays Ted.
i have just swallowed some scrabble letters my early morning motion tomorrow could spell trouble
A blonde takes her car to a garage as its not running smoothly.
The mechanic checks it out and says, "Just s**t in the air filter."
"OK!" She replies, "How often do I need to do that?
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are in the desert when their land rover breaks down, so they have to get out.
The Englishman takes a bottle of water with him, the Scotsman takes an umbrella and the Irishman takes the l/rover door.
The welder says "I know why I've got the water. So we can have a drink when we're thirsty."
He says to the Scotsman "I know why you've got the umbrella. To keep the sun off you."
"But," he says to the Irishman "why have you got the l/rover door?"
The Irishman replies, "If I get hot I can wind the window down."
Jane lived in this nursing home. She was a sandwich short of a picnic.
It was an old building with long corridors and bedroom doors every few yards.
She used to speed along these corridors in her wheelchair and do an occasional wheelie around corners.
Sometimes she and some friends would play cops and robbers and this day was no exception.
As she was speeding along a man stepped out of a bedroom and held up his hand.
She stopped and the man said, driving licence please.
She felt in her bag and brought out a Kit Kat showing it to him.
O.K. thanks, carry on so off she went
Nearby was a corner and another man stepped out.
Insurance certificate please he said and once again fumbled in her bag pulling out a Wilsons brewery beer mat.
Thankyou he said, off you go, and away she went, just missing the tea trolley coming the other way.
She got to the lift and out steppeda man with a hat on. Oh dear she said, another breath test?
Back in the 'olden days' (you know, Roman times or so) there was a slave ship - the type where they were chained together & flogged for motivation to row. But at least they had music = well, a drum that went "BOOM, BOOM - BA, BOOM, BOOM"
One night at anchor, one of the slave's says, "I've been here so long & am so thin, I can slip out of my shackles & escape." His offsider says, "PLEASE DON'T DO THAT! We'll have to suffer the consequences..." The first bloke says, "I don't care! Catch ya later." So, off he goes over the side & swims away...
The next morning it's discovered that there's one bloke missing. The chief flogger asks the offsider, "Where's your mate?" The poor ******* cringes in fear & says, "I don't know sir?" So the boss says, "RIGHT! LAY ON YOUR STOMACHS!!!"
They all proceed to get a right royal flogging. Then the order comes, "LAY ON YOUR BACKS! NOW **** IN THE AIR!"
A new bloke who had only been there a few weeks turns to his offsider & asks, "That's a bit rough? That bloke escaped & we get that?"
His offsider says, "Nah Mate, there's always a WHIP-ROUND & a ****-UP when someone leaves!"
i said to the doctor i keep thinking i am a cows stomach. He said stop talking tripe man
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Scotland .
It was absolutely wonderful,
It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
Whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
The cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried,
The cow would move away from the bull,
And he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to
The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and
Ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
Before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
That they had brought the cow over from Scotland .
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
"My wife's from Scotland!!!"
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That sounds like Kingbaker Ted!:eyebrows:
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That sounds like Kingbaker Ted!:eyebrows:
Has anybody heard from him lately?
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Has anybody heard from him lately?
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Tshirt-on another forum, there has been much investigations gone on, including contacting hospitals etc. To no avail. He hasnt posted on there for many months and we have come to a sad conclusion as he had health problems.:crying2:
The Royal Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all warships and aircraft carriers. Addressing all boat personnel at Plymouth, a senior Admiral advised:
"Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined £50 the first time”.
He continued: "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined £150.
Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of £500. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a boot-neck from 45 Commando (Royal Marines) stood up in the crowd and inquired..
"Sir, how much for a season ticket ?"
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IRISH TALKING CLOCK ????
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked..
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'How's it work?' the friend asked,
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
'You ASSHOLE! It's 3:15 in the MORNING!'
- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -
Ted......TED.....Where are you...................
i am addicted to seaweed i must seek kelp
Only just realised we’re back online
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows
frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.
It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this
would happen. The realization of the situation then dawned on him. With his
entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his
wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?
He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.
Just then, anelderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows' noses.
After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and
chewing the cud. One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the
whole field was full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked
the woman what she wanted as a payment for her deed. She declined his offer
and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.
"No" said the farmer........... "who was it?"
Wait for it.........
"That was Thora Hird."
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SEX AFTER DEATH
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion ... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's
off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more
times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around
the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After
supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and
then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
"No............I'm a rabbit in Huddersfield.
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it
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Two elderly residents, one an old squaddie and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know now just what you're wanting, and for £5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For £10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for £20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after couple of minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled £20 pound note and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Hell no," replies the old lady. "I want it four times in that rocking chair!
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i left my packet of quorn at the checkout today i went back and said to the assistant have you seen my vegetarian mince she said no but walk up and down that aisle and i will give you my honest opinion
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GETTING MARRIED
Jacob, aged 92, and Rebecca, aged 89, living in Devon, are getting all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist.
Jacob suggests they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?” The pharmacist answers ”Yes”.
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: How about suppositories?”
Pharmacist: “You bet!”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Alzheimers?”
Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinsons disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Pharmacist: “We sure do.”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob: “Adult incontinence pads?”
Pharmacist: “Sure.”
Jacob: “We’d like to use this store for our wedding present lists".
An old soldier once told his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously every morning, and lived to be 93.
When he died, he left 6 children, 11 grandchildren, 27 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the local crematorium.
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THE AMAZING ITALIAN!!
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.
A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, under The Big Top, in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Italian.
Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member
and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.
Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town,found the same circus
and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts we replaced on the table.
The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the
coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something.
I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts.
Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be!!
Good news for insomniacs...
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only 2 more sleeps till Christmas
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.....
Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin.
On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous. Her mother reassured her; "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I"ll be making pasta."
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he"s got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
Her Mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta."..
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I went to the liquor store yesterday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.
So I drank all the Rum before I cycled home.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
I know you've all seen this before but it still makes me smile. :)
Why I’m no longer allowed to bake anything for Christmas!
I’ve had requests for my Whisky Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!
1 big bottle of your favorite Single Malt Whisky
1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts,
2 cups dried fruit.
Sample a cup of Whisky to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Whisky again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Whisky is still OK. Try another cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the spilled fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver
Sample the Whisky to test for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Whisky. Now **** shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
Finish the Whisky and wipe the counter with the cat.
Another Oldie
A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone,
while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.
The boy looks at her incredulously and says,
"Because I'm the Goalie !"
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an 81 year old man died on a jet 2 flight to tenerife tonight shortly after asking how much a beer and a toasted sandwich would cost
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScBgVq2qOCk..................
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said.... "but the Darts Team hadn't!
A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period
for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this
to you? I want to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the
phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house.... A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli , a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account....
"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."
"However, if there is a miscarriage , I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"
At this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him,
"You'll f**k her again!"
Paddy takes two stuffed dogs on to the Antique Roadshow.
"Ohh," said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers Taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the 19th century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks!" Paddy replied.
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A guy was in a bar, about as drunk as it's possible to get.
A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good
Samaritans and take him home.
First, they stand him up to get to his wallet, so they can
find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down.
He fell down eight more times on the way to the car,
each time with a real thud.
After they get to his house, he falls down another four times
getting him to the door.
His wife comes to the door, and one guy says,
"We brought your husband home."
The wife asks, “Where's his wheelchair?
Next Sunday is Orgasm Day.
are You coming?
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
A group of four year old were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. "John what did you do over the weekend?"
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words," she said. She then asked little Alex what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the s**.t"
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https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171127/1ac8681c157797747cbe7f45e2dc0a35.jpg........
A man goes to the doctor feeling very ill.The doctor checks him over and says, “I'm Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.It's called Yellow 24, because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.There's no known cure, so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.”So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the bad news.Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £50.Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £350.Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.Then the National Game comes up and he wins that as well - winning £400,000!The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,“Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the National Game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!”“Lucky?” the bloke screams, “Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.”“Bugger me,” says the bingo caller, “You've won the raffle as well!”
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The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true.
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'
Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'
WARMING!!!
If youse gets a link called 'free porn' dont opin it?!!#*
It is a birus wich deactivate you spellcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it.
Warn al1 you vriends!!
i have just been to the worst pub in england its called the fiddle it really was a vile inn
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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your a*** and go as a toffee apple
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A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Aussie were lost in the jungle. They came across a clear pool of water and jumped in to cool off. They were suddenly surrounded by natives who dragged them from the pool. The native chief said “You have defiled our sacred pool and we shall kill you and use your skin to make canoes. We will grant you one final wish”
The Frenchman asked for a knife and shouting “I shall not be killed by savages , vive la France” he plunged the knife in to his chest.
The Englishman asked for a knife and shouting “I shall not be killed by savages , Rule Britannia” he plunged the knife in to his chest.
The Aussi asked for a fork ,used it to stab himself all over his body and yelled “That’s buggered your canoe you *******s.”
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Since it’s started snowing ❄️ wifey has spent the last two hours looking through the window .
If it doesn’t stop soon I’ll have to let her in .
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee.
Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, spoke first.
Well, he said, 'I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.'
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip.
'I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible!
But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill, until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision might not have been the best way to start..."
A very attractive young lady wants to part ex her car for a classier model.
The salesmen is a bit of a good looker himself.
So he says i,ll give you 10,000 pounds with 3 percent discount,how much would you take off...
She says everything bar my earrings......:eyebrows:
runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat
Stevie Wonder meets up with Tiger Woods
“ how’s it going Tiger, asks Stevie
“ Great, replies Tiger, “ I’ve been working hard, got the swing back into rhythm and the back is holding up. What about you Stevie”
“Yeah good as well, written some great tunes, won a couple of Grammys and been nominated for an Oscar” says Stevie.
I’ve also taken up golf and have a handicap of 3”
Tiger replies ( with raised eyebrows) “ Really?
“Hey how about a game”, Stevie asks
“Well the thing is”, Tiger says, “time is so precious these days that I only play for $250,000 a match. “Is that ok?
“ Thats fine “ says Stevie
“Ok when do you want to play “ asks Tiger
”Pick any night you want”, says Stevie
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on soft surfaces, like a grass path."
"Gentlemen, remember you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering... would it be all right if she carries a golf bag?"
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
An old priest who became sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll leave the priesthood!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the pavements in town, when people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife has fallen twice this week."
My wife threatened to leave me because of my obsession with the Monkees, at first I thought she was joking, then I saw her face.
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something a bit more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000 the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By cheque I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said:
'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my amazing weekend.’
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My Grandkids keep taking the **** saying I've got Alzheimers
They won't be laughing Christmas Day
when they wake up and there's no eggs under the bonfire
i was in the pet shop looking around and a sales girl came up to me and said is there anything i could help you with and i said i was interested in those rabbits she said thats nice a present for your son or daughter i said no dinner
A little boy asked his dad whats in between mums legs and he says "It's paradise my boy." "Ok whats in between your legs" and he says "Its the key to paradise." And then the boy says "Well you better get the lock changed because the guy next door has a spare key."
a traveller goes to Rome and visits a Church he likes the look of.
After a sit down and a prayer or two he gets up to go and notices a gold Phone on the wall.
He asks a passing Priest what its for and is told its a phone to God in heaven, but the price is ten thousand euros. to make a call.
Intrigued He went away and some days later was in a European Capital went into another Church and saw an identical phone with the note next to it 10.000 euros per call.
He rushed off to catch a flight to the States and every Church there has the Phone and Price of the call which was the same.
A short while later on he arrived at the Church in the Square at Los Cristianos and went in.
Yes the same Phone was on the wall but the price was only five Euros said the Priest.
Five euros he said that's amazing it's lots more elsewhere
We are lucky here said the Priest it's only a Local call.
Amen.
my wife has left me she said she is sick of my alice in wonderland jokes i think its ridiculous i am so mad hatter
Young lad goes to the doctor who spots something really bad and before he knows it the young lad is standing in front of a specialist in Harley street.
The specialist shakes his head and says there’s nothing he can do, the young lad has six months to live.
As the young lad breaks down in tears the specialist tells him to pull himself together, he has a plan. First of all he intends getting the lad moved to Oldham.
The lad asks if this is some sort of miracle cure and he’ll be saved? The specialist says “No, but six months in Oldham will seem like a ****in’ lifetime!”.
Young lad goes to the doctor who spots something really bad and before he knows it the young lad is standing in front of a specialist in Harley street.
The specialist shakes his head and says there’s nothing he can do, the young lad has six months to live.
As the young lad breaks down in tears the specialist tells him to pull himself together, he has a plan. First of all he intends getting the lad moved to Oldham.
The lad asks if this is some sort of miracle cure and he’ll be saved? The specialist says “No, but six months in Oldham will seem like a ****in’ lifetime!”.
Sorry to hear that Ted.
It used to be 3 Lol
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are £20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me £20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way,
what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her cell phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in ICU..
As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her greatest shopping days. She decided to hit a couple of more shops on the way to the hospital. After a cup of coffee and a slice of chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop, she was in an absolutely jubilant state when all of a sudden she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And taking care of him will now be your career!' The woman was feeling so overwhelmed with guilt she broke down and began sobbing. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'
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stood in the Park wondering why frisbees get bigger the nearer they get.
Then it hit me.
I got sacked from work on the day we were due to finish for Christmas for profound deafness.
I could have sworn the young girl on reception said
"Would you like a quick kiss under the camel's toe!"
Four military guys were on a bike tour, 3 young and one older Vet, he was a tanned, older biker, a man's man. They set off on their journey but nobody wanted to room with Mick from the Paras because he snored so badly.
Deciding it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time they voted to take turns.
The first RA guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
"Man, what happened to you? they asked. "Mick snored so loudly I just sat up and watched... him all night," he replied.
The next night it was the Signals guys turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Bill's turn. He was an older well seasoned REME Vet. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said cheerfully. They couldn't believe it. "Man, what happened?"
"Well," he replied, "we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into his bed, patted him on the **** and kissed him good night on the lips...
...so he sat up and watched me all night!"
marathon9
08-01-2018, 17:36
im blue to ..... play up pompey
The name came about through people asking me are you a BLUE or a red when talking football with them.
My answer was ....I,M A BLUE... seemed appropriate as my avatar ..hence..imablue.
in the doghouse today forgot to get the wifes birthday card she said to make amends you can get me something with diamonds in it so i got her a pack of cards i am still in the doghouse
congratulations to the man who invented the knock knock jokes he has just won the no bell prize
lawrence
14-03-2018, 22:58
I went to the gym yesterday. Was having a break, when a big fat girl walked up to me and said " do you know what, ive been coming to this gym for 3 months now. ive done everything the instructor told me to do and i hevent lost 1 ounce" Do you know anything that will make me lose weight. So i paused for a while and said have you tried skipping. She looked at me a bit funny and said, skipping, like what the boxers do. I said no meals you fat git.
paddy walks into the pub with a chameleon and murphy says whats that paddy says its a chameleon. murphy goes up to it and says go on then tell me a joke
lawrence
31-03-2018, 17:47
Went into my local the other day. Couldn't help noticing a fella chatting to himself. So i said to the landlord, who's the fella talking to himself. never seen him before, said the landlord. Out of curiousity i went up to the fella and asked if he was ok. So i said i couldn't help noticing you talking to yourself. No, No, my mates a tech wiz at electronics and he just invented this phone that is implanted into your hand, have a listen. Wow i said thats brilliant. After a brief chat i went back to the bar and told the landlord what it was all about. Anyway i finished my drink and had to have a wee. Walked into the Gents and saw this fella with the phone with his hands up on the wall, trouser round his ankles and paper hanging out his backside. I said you alright mate. Hang on he said, Ive just got a fax coming through.
A scouser walks into the local job centre, and went straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".
The clerk behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are long but all meals are provided. You will also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays, the salary is £200,000 a year".
The scouser said "You're bull*****ting me!"
The man behind the counter replied "You started it!"
One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Biker : "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
Biker : "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Bombay Sapphire, tequila, Guinness, red wine, single malt scotch. We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Biker : "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Biker : "You better believe it."
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Biker : "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Biker : "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good,' cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Biker : "Cool!"
Satan: "What about Drugs?"
Biker : "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day.. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Biker : "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Biker : "No......"
Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough......"
ronniecee
03-04-2018, 20:25
A little Irishman gets into a lift, he looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. They are both going to the 75th floor.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, so he looks down and says, 7ft tall, 350 pounds, 20inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.
The little Irishman faints and falls to the floor, The big guy kneels down and revives him...shaking him......
The big guy says, What's wrong with you man? In a weakvoice the little guy says, What exactly did you just say to me before I passed out?
The big dude says, Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you all the answers to the questions everyone always asks me....
I'm 7ft tall, I weigh 350pounds, I have a 20inch penis and my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.
The Irishman says, Turner Brown?....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said Turn around!
I am setting up a group for cyclists who ignore red lights Cyclists Unable To Notice Traffic Signals
i was wondering if humming birds are just regular birds that can not remember the words
I saw a dwarf today wearing a fez, saying, "Just like that," as he got into his car.
I think it was a mini Cooper.
does anyone know if when moths are dying do they hear a voice saying dont go toward the light dont go toward the light
My Uncle died this week.
He fell into a vat of varnish and drowned.
It was a tragic end... but a lovely finish
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