View Full Version : Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here
my dog responds to commands in spanish he is espanyol
the invisible man married the invisible woman the kids were nothing to look at
I was telling friends in the pub that Serial Killer Dennis Nilsen had died
One of them said..did he sing Without You
I said no........ We were a duo............
as a leicester lad there is nothing funny in that post
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well pleased with my new car apart from it will not work between 2 and 5 oclock its a ford siesta
Guy is late for work. His boss wants an explanation. 'Big problem at home' says the guy.
Boss asks what happened. Guy says 'my wife reversed the car out of the garage'.
Why is that a problem says a puzzled boss. 'I reversed it in' says the guy.
me and the wife had roast badger for dinner at a cafe today it was the sett meal for two
A mate asked are you going to see England in the World Cup
I said they don,t come and see me when i,m bad
ashray12
12-06-2018, 09:50
You will laugh your heads off while watching these videos, even if you are in a bad state of mind, plainly waiting for a person or simply bored of life which puts you in a fluster, wanting to take a time out, sit down and get entertained thoroughly.
try not to laugh (https://www.merrchant.com/daily/try-not-to-laugh/)
i have been working at a fairground and they sacked me so i am doing them for funfair dismissal
A guy was trying on a pair of shoes and told the salesman that they were too tight.
"Try them with the tongue out"
"They're thtill thoo thighth!"
a bloke high on LSD goes into a chemist and says can you help me i keep thinking i am a moth. the pharmacist says you need a psychiatrist why did you come to me the bloke says well your light was on
the mafia are involved in online crime their AP is pay up pal
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me’, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there to his groin.
At her insistence however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
’Feels great’, he replied; ‘but I still think my thumb's broken!’
Father O’Flaherty asked Mrs O’Reilly how many children she had.
Four was the reply.
“That’s a good Catholic woman you are, and when will you be having the next? He asked.
“I’m not Father”, she replied.
“I read that every fifth child born in the world is Chinese”.
i had a scary moment today i was opening my new expensive furniture with a stanley knife i very nearly slit my shelf
My neighbour is dead against my new electric fence
i said to my wife this morning i have got a big problem and she said remember what we said at our wedding for better or worse for richer or poorer now whats this problem WE have i said we have got your sister pregnant
In some countries people don,t know who their wives are until they get married.
Its the same here.
In some countries people don,t know who their wives are until they get married.
Its the same here.
Many a true word hath been spoken in jest
the grim reaper approaches paddy and says i am death. Paddy says ok i will speak up then
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.
"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million... and I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary.
i was singing barry white songs at karaoke last night and the crowd shouted you are soul i think they liked me
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well', he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift..'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon'.
Ecky Thump
01-10-2018, 19:13
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for
TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'
She hears the little boy continue,
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
'For those of you who are ****** off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.
i have just had 40 winks on the bus i knew i should not have worn a pink T shirt
Ecky Thump
09-10-2018, 20:08
A sweet grandmother telephoned her local Hospital and she timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator responded, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the patient's name and ward?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Ward 5D."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone.
"Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood results just came back as normal. And her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged hopefully on Tuesday and she will then be visited regularly by her family doctor."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Ward 5D. No one tells me feckin anything."
Why wait for your hangover to go away? Why even get a hangover at all? A buddy of mine recommended detoxicated, a natural hangover pill. (https://www.detoxicated.com/) I take it every time I drink and I wake up without a hangover. It’s a miracle.
Three deaf old blokes out one day.
1st fella
"It's windy"
2nd fella
"It's Thursday "
3rd fella
"So am I, let's go for a drink "
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."
After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
Ecky Thump
16-10-2018, 22:11
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I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives, we should always finish things that we start. Since we all could use some more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished. I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of valiuminum scriptions, an a box a choclutz. You has no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner push. An telum a luv em. :love:
the doc said to me do you smoke i said no he said does your wife i said not so much now we smear vaseline on her knees and elbows
Ecky Thump
23-10-2018, 12:15
.
A Los Cristianos man calls his son in Edinburgh the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; thirty years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you can call your sister in Birmingham and tell her "
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls home immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both fly out there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're both coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
Midwife for sale..
Can deliver.....
Ecky Thump
25-10-2018, 15:13
.
Just remeber that if you are feeling worthless and redundant in life,......that it only takes one of your pubic hairs to shut down a Jamie Oliver restaurant.
:redcard:
dropped my phone in the bath now its ringing wet
Ecky Thump
25-10-2018, 20:05
.
A husband buys his son a iPAD, daughter a iPOD, himself a iPHONE and his wife a iRON, she wasn't impressed with this, even after he explained that it can be integrated with iWASH, iCLEAN and the iCOOK network.
This immediately triggered the iNAG service, which totally wiped out the iSHAG service!
Ecky Thump
28-10-2018, 18:04
.
Sorry, but I need to vent!!!! :angry::angry::angry:
I experienced the WORST customer service the other day at a store in Glasgow, at this time, I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. Friday evening(yesterday) I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So today/this morning, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund. The girl in the store told me NO even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then.
Again this person told me "NO." I asked to talk to a manager now as I'm really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK." No refund. No FREE replacement. Grrrrrrrrr.:twak:
I'll tell you what...I am NEVER buying another Lottery Ticket from there again!
my wife hates it when i mess with her red wine so i put lemonade and fruit in it now she sangria than ever
Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at River Hill Golf Club when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.
The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.
The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.'
The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.'
After a very considerable inspection, the third lady finally says,
'He's not even a member of this golf club'
An actual tweet from Chicago :
"I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the color of the baby."
wolfboy11
24-02-2019, 17:25
Whats brown and sticky.......a stick
Sorry thats my 6 year olds favourite at the min
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