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imablue
29-05-2011, 20:24
:) post all your jokes new and old .............
A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her F.... on her wedding night, so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the f**king field were you before you realised it was caught".........

sunspot
29-05-2011, 20:30
I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

CIM
29-05-2011, 20:38
How can you tell that ET is a scouser?
He looks like one...

sunspot
29-05-2011, 20:46
Girls night out

two women, who had been friends for years, decided to go for a
girls' night out, and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the
****tails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom.

They were very near a grave yard and one of them suggested they
do their business behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe herself with so she thought
she'd take off her panties, use them then throw them away.

Her friend however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear
set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a
large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she
dried herself with the ribbon.

The nextday the first womans' husband phoned the other husband
and said "this girls' night thing has got to stop right now. My
wife came home last night without her panties."that's nothing ,"
said the other husband, "mine came home with a card stuck to her
ass that said "from all of us at the fire station, we'll never
forget you."

mike in chayofa
31-05-2011, 14:21
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you are reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said "I would like to come back as a cow."
I said "you're obviously not f--k--g listening."


Wife says to her husband "you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back."
He says "what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair."


What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"f*ck that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

mike in chayofa
31-05-2011, 14:35
Last night, my partner and I were sitting in the living room and I said to him,

'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

So he got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

onelegnofeet
31-05-2011, 14:47
Stephen Hawkings has been released from hospital with a broken arm and cuts and bruises ..........sadly his new girlfriend "Stood him up " on their date last night

Sundowner
31-05-2011, 15:11
A wife asked her husband to describe her. He said: you're A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,
She said "what does that mean?"
He said: Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot,
She said: Oh that's so lovely. What about I,J,K,?
He said: I'm Just Kidding!!!!

mike in chayofa
02-06-2011, 09:40
In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair?
.......... Apparently, it's Africa.



I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.



A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
.......... He said "Her brother's got a moustache."



Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
........... To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick *******.”

Heffalumpy
02-06-2011, 09:52
My wife caught me with my willie in the hoover yesterday.

She said, "What the hell are you doing?"

I said "The bits you always seem to miss."


Women are like second hand cars.

Doesn't matter how much you like it, always remember another bloke's thrashed the hell out of it then got rid of it for a better one.


When I was in the pub last night I overheard a couple of idiots saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman!

What a pair of sexist ****s. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing

garlicbread
02-06-2011, 12:58
A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto

'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto

'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto

'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f-ck do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face.

Ryanair.

:airplane::airplane::airplane:

cjd01
02-06-2011, 13:41
:lol:
A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto

'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto

'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto

'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f-ck do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face.

Ryanair.

:airplane::airplane::airplane:

:lol: Very funny!

mike in chayofa
02-06-2011, 14:18
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really ****ed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

mike in chayofa
02-06-2011, 15:52
A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel our medicine is so advanced, we cut off a man's testicles, put them into another man and in 6 weeks he's looking for work."

The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain from a person, put it into another person's head and in 4 weeks he's looking for work."

A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person, put it into another person's chest and in 2 weeks he's looking for work."

The UK doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you're way behind us. We recently grabbed a person with no brains, no heart and no balls. We made him Prime Minister - and now the entire freakin' country's looking for work!!"

TOTO 99
03-06-2011, 08:31
When my missus said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees I thought she was kidding........

...And then I saw her face :lol:

Vortex Wake
04-06-2011, 22:03
I prefer white rice to brown rice. I am riceist .

Heffalumpy
06-06-2011, 20:51
Some Muslims in London are moaning that there are not enough Muslims on the telly.
The BBC agreed and will now be showing CrimeWatch 3 times a week.


There's been some guy going around our area nicking handbags.
I'd kick the puffs head in if he tried to snatch mine


What do lesbians do when they are on their period?
Finger painting.


What's the difference between a hooker and Jesus?
The look on their face when you're nailing them

tracey_in_tenerife
06-06-2011, 20:55
**************** Two Italians on a Bus
*
*

************* NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

*************** A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
*************** They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

*************** The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
*************** But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say* the following:

*************** Emma come first.
*************** Den I come.
*************** Den two asses come together.
*************** I come once-a-more!
*************** Two asses, they come together again.
*************** I come again and pee twice.
*************** Then I come one lasta time.'

*************** The lady can't take this anymore,
*************** "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
*************** She retorted indignantly.
*************** 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our* sex lives!"

*************** 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, :eyebrows:'Whooza talkin' about**sex?
*************** I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell '* Mississippi '..

*************** 10 euros says you're gonna read this again!


*
*

AL JAY
06-06-2011, 21:02
2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.
Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
"R hey lad" they say "gissa lift".
The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.
He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the b*****ds have managed to nick a motorbike already".


Added after 22 minutes:

Parts of Liverpool city centre were closed off at lunchtime today after a suspicious object was spotted in a car...

It turned out to be a tax disc!!!

BobMac
09-06-2011, 19:04
King Arthur's trauma ?


(read on, there's a moral to the story, really and seriously)




Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question ?.... What do women really want ? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone - the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high, as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first .

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend !

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus :-

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him... The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer ? Beautiful during the day....or night ?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch ? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments ?

What would YOU do ?


What Lancelot chose is below. BUT.....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY ?









































Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.


Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.



Now....what is the moral to this story ?











Scroll down






The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly !

Harmonicaman
09-06-2011, 19:08
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like
to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law?
I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me
you had a prescription."

kingbaker
11-06-2011, 04:07
> Clever Flight Attendant
>
> A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Singapore
> Airlines from Heathrow to Singapore.
> The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his
> mother and asked,
> 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why
> don't big planes have baby planes?"
>
> The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to
> ask the flight attendant.
>
> So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight
> attendant,
>
> ' If big dogs have baby dogs,
> and big cats have baby cats,
>
> why don't big planes have baby planes?"
>
> The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to
> ask me that?"
>
> The boy said, "Yes, she did."
> "Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby
> planes
>
> because Singapore Airlines always
> Pull out on time.
>
> And ask her to explain that to you

sunspot
16-06-2011, 21:43
A little Girl goes up to her Dad and says, Daddy when my cat died, why did its legs in the air? Daddy replies, well its legs were in the air like that to make it eaiser for Jesus to grab hold oh him and pull him into heaven.Oh my gosh, says the girl that means Mummy almost died this morning ! what do you mean by that ? asks the Dad, well replies the girl when I looked into Mummy's room she was lying on the bed with her legs in the air shouting Jesus I'm coming and if it hadn't been for the postman holding her down he would have got her !

DaveRF
16-06-2011, 21:53
A guy asks his boss for the afternoon off work. "Why do you want the time off"? asks the boss. "My wife is going to have a baby" replies the man. "No problem" says the boss and away the man goes. The next day the boss asks the man "So is it a boy or a girl"? "Oh it takes months" replies the man.

mike in chayofa
17-06-2011, 18:05
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital.
She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said,
"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,
"Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied,
"Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,
"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me ****."

sunspot
17-06-2011, 18:08
Mother superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back of the room, "I'm so tired of Chardonnay..."

mike in chayofa
17-06-2011, 18:39
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him
occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.... The
father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him
on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee..
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,
neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her
seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold
of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at
first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!! After a few
seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the
10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father
and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've
never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are
you a doctor? "


'No,' the woman replied.
I'm with the Inland Revenue..'

DaveRF
17-06-2011, 23:09
I'm not saying where I live is a Chav town but they sell Father's day cards in packs of five.

Medman
18-06-2011, 14:50
An old guy (not able to get in the best of shape from tennis) started working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.
He asked the trainer who's nearby: "What machine in here should I use to make this body look attractive to someone like that sweet young thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up & down & said: "I'd try the ATM in the lobby."

williethetim
20-06-2011, 09:35
I love this Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!



Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Malteser Monkey
20-06-2011, 10:13
Paddy and Murphy go on a roller coaster. Murphy says "if we turn upside down do you think we will fall out ? "

Paddy says "will we "..ck, we've been mates for years "

Heffalumpy
20-06-2011, 17:45
Apple Computers announced today that they have developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough since women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

slodgedad
21-06-2011, 21:34
I have a friend who is half Indian.....Ian

Harmonicaman
21-06-2011, 21:44
I have a friend who is half Indian.....Ian
I know him! He's also a magician!

with cheese
21-06-2011, 21:56
Welsh bloke went to Doctors and found he had an STD. Doctor said "how many times have you had sex". The Welsh bloke started counting and fell asleep.

imablue
22-06-2011, 08:10
..My mates missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk + never come back!
I asked him how he was coping and he Said 'not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff'





The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my
Wife. They said "is this your wife sir?". Shocked I answered " yes".
They said
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus".

I said "I know, but she has a lovely personality.... :lol:

Medman
22-06-2011, 13:50
Health Tips

I LOVE THIS DOCTOR

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
"WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you

sparklegirl
27-06-2011, 12:09
Hey Guys and girls

I’m having the really bad Monday morning blues and need a few good jokes to get the giggles going. Tell us the funniest joke you have ever heard...........

Malteser Monkey
27-06-2011, 12:16
A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After
several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he
should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the
slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his
ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are
pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and
instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the
conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate
the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the
woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they
are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't
take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to
the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them
back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
Try again. He tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive
them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon
returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look
out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the
sheep are lying in the grass. No, she says, they're all in the Land
Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.


my 2nd fav - can't find my fav, hang on it's in my emails somewhere

Sundowner
27-06-2011, 12:19
Which day of the week do fish hate ?

Fry-day

Malteser Monkey
27-06-2011, 12:23
Found it !

There's an Italian, a Frenchman and an Irishman:

The Italian says, "When I have a-finished makina love with my
girl-a-friend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees.
She floatsa 6 inches abova da bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished
making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her
body and zen Ah lick ze soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she
floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".

The Irishman says, "Dat's nottin'. When Oi've finished sh@@#in'
me boird, I get out of da bed, walk over to d'window and wipe me
knob on the curtain. She hits the feckin' roof."

megsdad
27-06-2011, 12:33
Dad there´s a man at the door with a bill
Don´t be silly , it must be a duck with a hat on !!!

sparklegirl
27-06-2011, 12:39
Found it !

There's an Italian, a Frenchman and an Irishman:

The Italian says, "When I have a-finished makina love with my
girl-a-friend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees.
She floatsa 6 inches abova da bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished
making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her
body and zen Ah lick ze soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she
floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".

The Irishman says, "Dat's nottin'. When Oi've finished sh@@#in'
me boird, I get out of da bed, walk over to d'window and wipe me
knob on the curtain. She hits the feckin' roof."

HILARIOUS :crylaughing:

Malteser Monkey
27-06-2011, 13:10
HILARIOUS :crylaughing:

Good - we thought so still makes us laugh

atlantico
27-06-2011, 13:45
a sandwich and a packet of crisps walk into a bar

the landlord says

" sorry, we don't serve lunch here "







WHAT ??

dede
05-07-2011, 21:01
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible
sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to hospital, and was promptly admitted after being
diagnosed with second-degree burns..

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain
he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding
with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every
four hours.

The nurse was rather astounded and she asked "What good will
Viagra do for him, Doctor?"

The doctor replied, "Absolutely nothing for his condition, but
it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'"

Added after 6 minutes:

A woman taking golf lessons just started her 1st round but was stung by a bee!
She raced to the clubhouse and her golf pro asked why she was back so early.
She told him of the sting.
"Where did it sting you?"
She said,
"Between the 1st & 2nd hole."
He nodded and said,
"Then your feet are too far apart..!"

Santiago
05-07-2011, 22:07
An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The trucker says, 'A hamburger, fry's and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, fry's and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the trucker reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me sir, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, Mam' says the trucker, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there..'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the emu?'


The trucker pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big bum and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

AL JAY
11-07-2011, 21:35
Did you hear about the Jewish Kamikaze pilot, He crashed his plane into his brothers scrapyard!

Medman
16-07-2011, 15:03
Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?.
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!

Tom & Sharon
16-07-2011, 15:31
Two guys in a bar are discussing "positions" so one tells the other, "Well my favorite is the rodeo!" and the other says, "What's the rodeo?"

"well, first you get your wife down and start to do her doggy style, then when you're halfway done, you bend over and whisper in her ear, 'you know, this is your sister's favorite position too' and then try to hold on for 8 seconds!"


Tom :hat:

Santiago
16-07-2011, 15:35
Smart ****!!

Two businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop... As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet you any minute now some nosey old pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling, guaranteed...."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old bloke shuffled over to the window, pressed his nose to the glass and asked, "What are you selling here then?"

One of the men rolled his eyes and replied sarcastically,
"We're selling ****-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,

"You must be doing well...Only two left."
And shuffled off.

Blondeshrimp
17-07-2011, 15:48
A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, whilst sitting on the patio with her husband.

and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you."

Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me............talking to the wine."

TOTO 99
18-07-2011, 14:29
I got chatting to a chinese bloke at a party last night and I asked him what he did for a living.
He said "I'm a pirate",
I said oh, you sail a ship?
He said "No, I fry pranes".............:)

Santiago
18-07-2011, 14:57
Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans..
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

BobMac
19-07-2011, 11:50
Cowboy at the Pearly Gates!




A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.




'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'


St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'

hackney58
20-07-2011, 14:50
A policeman with a sniffer dog came up to me the other day & said
“my dog tells me you’re on drugs”
ME I said
” you’re the one with the talking dog”

hackney58
20-07-2011, 15:01
After both suffering depression for a while me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough once she had killed herself I started to feel a lot better, so I thought
f..k it I’ll soldier on

Blondeshrimp
28-07-2011, 11:36
A Blonde Joke.


A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure", answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me, I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.
Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to", said the blonde, so the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blondes car and carefully
strapped into their seatbelts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the
blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde, "What the * are you doing here?" he demanded,
"I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did", said the blonde, "but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World!"

Red Devil
29-07-2011, 20:30
A man caught his wife having sex with his best friend. He told his wife to pack her bags and go, then looked his friend in the eye and said "Bad dog, no"

tonypub
30-07-2011, 11:48
ive been to hospital today to have a mole removed from my penis!luckily the RSPCA let me off with a caution

kingbaker
01-08-2011, 11:34
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun,
> Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old
> nun had instructed.
>
> Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's
> nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
>
>
> The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday
> night bath had gone.
>
> 'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'
>
> 'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.
>
> 'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him,
> and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he
> said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'
>
> 'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.
>
> Sister Magdalene continued, 'and Father John said that if the Key to
> Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would
> be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key
> to Heaven into my lock.'
>
> 'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.
>
> 'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation
> was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart
> with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'
>
> 'That wicked old *******, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's
> Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!

Added after 2 minutes:

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
>
> 'How many children?' asks the council worker.
> '10' replies the Essex girl.
>
> '10?' says the council worker. 'What are their names?'
> 'Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne.'
> 'Doesn't that get confusing?'
> 'Naah...' says the Essex girl 'its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it...'
> 'What if you want to speak to one individually?' says the perturbed council worker.
> 'That's easy,' says the Essex girl... 'I just use their surnames.'

Added after 5 minutes:

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
> 'I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.' she says..
> 'Come again?' says the clerk, cupping his ear.
> 'No' she replies. 'This time it's mayonnaise.'
>
>
>
>
> Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator. The man says 'Choose from our range on the wall.'
> She says 'I'll take the red one.'
>
> The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.'

Added after 3 minutes:

> An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
>
> Medic: 'It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?'
> Girl: 'OK'
> Medic: 'What's your name?'
> Girl: 'Sharon.'
> Medic: 'OK Sharon , is this your car?'
> Sharon : 'Yes.'
> Medic: 'Where are you bleeding from?'
> Sharon : ' Romford, mate.'
>
>
>
> An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, 'Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!'
>
> 'It's not just one car!' said the Essex girl, 'There's f*cking hundreds of them!'
>
>
>
>
> Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the ground.
> Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.'
> Sharon : 'Ok.'
> Medic: 'How many fingers am I putting up?'
> Sharon : 'Oh my god, I'm paralysed from the waist down!'
>
>
>
>
>
> An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says, 'Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny ornuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?'
> The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, 'Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot'
> 'Cor blimey', exclaims the Essex girl, 'So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!'

canarybird
06-08-2011, 00:19
Check your shampoo bottle label. I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!! Its the shampoo I use in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY! NO wonder I have been gaining weight!!! Well!

I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead.

Their label reads, DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.

Problem Solved!!!

If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!!!

hackney58
06-08-2011, 16:39
I read a sign today I nearly ****** myself.
It said toilets closed!!!

Medman
10-08-2011, 11:25
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied,'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber came to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.'
The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door..

Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he offered to pay
his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you.
I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.The next morning, when the barber came to open up, there were a dozen
MP's lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND
FOR THE SAME REASON!

Harmonicaman
10-08-2011, 14:31
There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.
The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.
When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in).
The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides. BOOM! BOOM!:tiphat:

Worldwalker
10-08-2011, 16:04
The Camels



The little camel asks his mother:

Mum why do we have these big humps?

Because in these hump there is some water and in the hot desert we can

drink.

And mum. Why do we have this large fur?

Because the dessert at night is so cold and then we don't feel cold.

And mum. Why do we got these big hoofs.

Because the desert the sand is hot and the hoofs save us from the hot

sand.

But mum. What the **** are we doing here in the national zoo? :D

and another one :tiphat:

In a train carriage there were 4 people, an Englishman, a Frenchman, a
spectacular looking blonde and a really ugly woman.

After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark
tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the
tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by
mistake, he must have put his hand on the ugly woman, who in turn must have slapped his face"

The ugly woman thought - "That dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".

The Frenchman thought - "That f*****g Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".

The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack
that French **** again".

Medman
18-08-2011, 11:00
My wife is getting really security conscious these days...........I came home early yesterday and she had a man in the wardrobe guarding my clothes ........awe bless her ........rolleyes2:

kingbaker
21-08-2011, 13:35
::spin:How about this

C hoosing a wife
> A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
>
>
> The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
>
> The man was impressed.
>
>
>
> The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..
>
>
> Again, the man is impressed.
>
>
>
> The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
>
>
>
> Obviously, the man was impressed.
>
>
>
> The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
>
>
> Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
>
> Men are like that, you know.
>
>
>
> And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
> There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
>
> If you don't send this to five OLD friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world:wave: :wave: :wave: :wave:

Worldwalker
24-08-2011, 17:47
A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the following
exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: This car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's
card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes, sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the
woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was
quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to
handle the tense situation.

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

The driver's license was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a
gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's
a body in it.

Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you
told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the
glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding,
too!

sunspot
24-08-2011, 22:58
1185




Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:


'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow toToronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and.....OH, MY GOD!'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'



One Aussie passenger yelled...

'For f..k's sake you should see the back of mine!!!'

Medman
25-08-2011, 09:39
Your Duck is Dead

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up
at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

Worldwalker
25-08-2011, 12:10
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

Worldwalker
26-08-2011, 12:40
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

jose cuervo
26-08-2011, 14:43
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his latex gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don’t," she replied.
"Well," he spoofed, "there’s a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn’t crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during the procedure she burst out laughing.
"What’s so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

cjd01
26-08-2011, 15:39
Hilarious!

AL JAY
26-08-2011, 15:59
The Looters Prayer


Our Father,
Who art in prison.
Mum don't know his name.

Thy riots come,
it was in the Sun,
In Brum, as it is in London.

Give us this day our Giro cheque,
and forgive us our looting,
as we forgive those who defend stuff against us.

Lead us not into employment,
but deliver us free housing.

For I,ve got the Reebok, the burberry and bacardi.

Forever and ever.

Innit.

henry
26-08-2011, 20:59
i just don´t know where to put this in. but this is too funny. and yes it is clean.

my friend back home send me this on facebook thought i share it with my fallow members...


(joke)

I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi !, how are you ?" Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to ?". I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here !". From next door, "Can I come over?". Annoyed, I said " excuse me?" The voice said, "Listen, i will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions".

COL NIL SATIS
26-08-2011, 21:22
i just don´t know where to put this in. but this is too funny. and yes it is clean.

my friend back home send me this on facebook thought i share it with my fallow members...


(joke)

I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi !, how are you ?" Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to ?". I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here !". From next door, "Can I come over?". Annoyed, I said " excuse me?" The voice said, "Listen, i will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions".

haha,nice one H !!!!!!!!http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm114/COLNILSATIS/wahayyyyyy.gifhttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm114/COLNILSATIS/wahayyyyyy.gifhttp://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm114/COLNILSATIS/wahayyyyyy.gif

captain jack sparrow
26-08-2011, 22:12
Letter to Men's Helpline:-

Hey Mate, really need your advice for a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that the missus has been cheating.

The usual signs; Phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up and she’s going out with the girls a lot.

I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat, when she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on...

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat I noticed a "hairline crack" in the outboard mounting bracket...


Do you think that's something I could weld myself ????

scoregolfbob
27-08-2011, 07:37
I once walked out of my office in the Uk as this lovely women was walking by, she said hi i have not spoken to you for ages, so i said hello to her she looked at me as if i was mad. I did not realise she was talking to someone on her mobile, Felt a bit of a prat LOL

kingbaker
27-08-2011, 16:30
HOW ABOUT THIS ONE


> DIARY OF A "NEW CHUM"IN ALICANTE
>
> July Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Alicante,Southern Spain . Now this is a town that knows how to live!
> Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here!
>
>
> July Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper – no blasted drizzly rain like back in Leeds!!
>
>
>
> July Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants t oday. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me! Another scorcher today, but I love it here. It’s Paradise!
>
>
>
> July The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do these people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected!
>
>
>
> August Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got second degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do.. Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!
>
>
> August 15th Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat-****. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat!
>
>
> August 25th This wind is a *******. It feels like a giant f****** blow-dryer, and it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged 200 euros just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from f****** Madrid .....The wife and kids are complaining all the time
> August 26th The temperature's up around 40 C and the parts still haven't
> arrived for the f****** air conditioner. House is like an oven so we’ve all been
> sleeping outside by the pool for the last 3 nights. Bloody 600,000 euros house
> and we can't even go inside...... Why the hell did I ever come here?
>
> AUGUST 27TH
> Finally got the f****** air-conditioner fixed. It cost 1,500 EUROS and
> gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it
> feel about 35!....Stupid repairman!.... F****** thief!!
>
> AUGUST 29TH
> If one more smart ******* says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm
> going to f****** throttle him!..... F****** heat! By the time I get to work, the car
> radiator is boiling, my f****** clothes are soaking f****** wet and I
> smell like baked cat!..... this f****** place is the end of the Earth!!
>
> AUGUST 30TH
> Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the
> black leather upholstery in my car..... I thought my f****** **** was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my f****** ****. Now
> the car smells like burnt hair, fried **** and baked cat!.... F***, F***, F***!!!
>
> AUGUST 31ST
> The Weather Report might as well be a f****** recording!
> Hot and sunny!... Hot and sunny!.... Hot and f****** sunny!... It never f****** changes! It's been too hot to do anything for 2 f****** months and the weather-man says it might really warm up next week!.... f***!!!!
>
> SEPTEMBER 2ND
> Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f****** place? Water restrictions
> will be next, so my 5,000 EUROS worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the f****** pool. The only things that thrive in this f****** hell-hole are the f****** flies!... You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little black *******s!!!
>
> SEPTEMBER 3RD
> Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 f****** degrees today. Now the air-conditioners packed up in the car. The repair man came to fix it and asked, 'Hot enough for you today?'.... I wanted to shove the f****** air-conditioner up his f****** ****!... Anyway, I had to spend the 2,500 EUROS mortgage payment to bail myself out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick!!.....f****** Alicante! What kind of sick, demented f****** idiot would want to live here???
>
> SEPTEMBER 4TH - WHAT!!!! The Weatherman says "Heatwave on the way!" You are f****** kidding me???......................:
wave: :wave: :wave: :tiphat: :tiphat:

jose cuervo
28-08-2011, 12:45
A middle-aged guy says to his wife, “You should go bra-less.”

She says, “Do you think my breasts are still perky enough?”

He says, “No, but maybe it’d pull the wrinkles out of your face.”

wen53
29-08-2011, 15:05
Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?


he sat up all night wondering if there really was a dog....

Medman
30-08-2011, 10:56
Inner Peace and calmness



I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.




Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.




So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now.




Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss.




An telum,u blody luvum.!! Xxx

henry
30-08-2011, 22:17
my friend back home send me this for my love in star wars films very funny....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NtgtMQwr3Ko

sunspot
30-08-2011, 22:39
Thanks henry, keep them coming, really funny

Santiago
30-08-2011, 22:52
Who said the Inland Revenue doesn't have a sense of humour,
wonderful stuff!








This is a real reply from the Inland Revenue. The Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it. The funniest part of this is imagining the content of the letter sent to the Tax Office which prompted this reply!




Dear Mr Ashton,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain , with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India " you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
Inland Revenue

bonitatime
31-08-2011, 12:11
I think someone was having a great day although how authorisation for sending that was give I can't imagine
Thanks for sharing

henry
31-08-2011, 20:50
How about this one??

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

BAZINGA!!!!

BobMac
07-10-2011, 11:22
The Ultimate Job Interview Challenge

1582

sunspot
08-10-2011, 18:39
An Irishman was terribly overweight so his doctor put him on a diet.
I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day – repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs! Why that’s amazing the doctor said, did you follow my instructions? The Irishman nodded. I’ll tell you though, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.

From the hunger you mean? Asked the doctor.

No, from the fooking skipping.

Medman
10-10-2011, 11:18
THE ALTAR BOY
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may
as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to
atone. You cannot be an altar boy now
for 4 months. Now you go and
behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months' vacation and five good leads ...'

kingbaker
10-10-2011, 20:32
:tiphat:Something all parents should understand.
- People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation.
- People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers.

- People born between 1965 and 1982 are called Generation X, .

- And people born between 1983 and 2010 are called Generation Y ,

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?

Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?

But a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below...

Added after 4 minutes:

Something all parents should understand.
- People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation.
- People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers.

- People born between 1965 and 1982 are called Generation X, .

- And people born between 1983 and 2010 are called Generation Y ,

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?

Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?

But a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below...

Added after 2 minutes:

sorry guys having difficulties..............




SO! Can you have a go at finnishing the joke!!!!

Get your thinking caps on

AL JAY
11-10-2011, 10:06
Paul McCartney has had his first argument with his new wife,he said she's spending twice as much on shoes than his last wife did!!!:neener: :wink:

kingbaker
11-10-2011, 22:38
sorry guys having difficulties posting last part of generation y

It´s a photo of a cartoon and when I copy and paste, the toon does not come
out at all Can anyone help ................this is a brilliant cartoon!!!! and clean too.............:wave:

Added after 7 minutes:

HOW ABOUT THIS ONE

1. Kimberley Big Hole - South Africa

Apparently the largest ever hand-dug excavation in the world, this 1097-meter-deep mine yielded over three tons of diamonds before being closed.

2. Glory Hole - Monticello Dam, California

This is the Glory Hole at Monticello Dam, and it's the largest in the world of this type of spillway, its size enabling it to consume 14,400 cubic feet of water every second.
A glory hole is used when a dam is at full capacity and water needs to be drained from the reservoir.

3 Great Blue Hole , Belize

This incredible geographical phenomenon known as a blue hole is situated 60 miles off the mainland of Belize .
There are numerous blue holes around the world but none as stunning as this one.

4 Sinkhole in Guatemala

This photo is of a sinkhole that occurred February 2007 in Guatemala . It swallowed two dozen homes and killed at least
three people.


5. This is the famous Rat Hole.
It is capable of swallowing Millions of Tax Payers Money annually, never to be heard from again! It is reputed to contain at least 600 a**e"holes"..

sorry guys having difficulties posting last part of generation y

It´s a photo of a cartoon and when I copy and paste, the toon does not come
out at all Can anyone help ................this is a brilliant cartoon!!!! and clean too.............:wave:

kingbaker
13-10-2011, 17:09
sorry guys this one has 5 photos in it and they wont come out Any ideas?????:confused::confused::confused::confused:

Medman
13-10-2011, 23:24
sorry guys this one has 5 photos in it and they wont come out Any ideas?????:confused::confused::confused::confused:

Not your day KB ...... :sorry:

slodgedad
14-10-2011, 22:11
This is for all my fellow oldies on the Forum;;

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to
buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'


The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'




'OLD' IS WHEN....

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,

'Pick one; I can't do both!'



'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door.



'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police


'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fibre today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.


'OLD'IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You are not sure these are jokes!

Apollo
23-10-2011, 14:49
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/312688_10150499997009348_537219347_11313615_171785 8747_n.jpg

Santiago
24-10-2011, 21:10
The Old Lady and the Speed Limit

While waiting just outside of town, to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car OK?" the officer asks. "These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time".

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

BobMac
01-11-2011, 17:20
A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as real Rugby player.

They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!! It will say ADIDAS in a minute.

Added after 2 minutes:

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. On all your cheque stubs, write ' For Marijuana'

3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,with a serious face.

5. Sing Along At The Opera.

6. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

beekay
02-11-2011, 21:06
I apologise in advance if you find the following too rude, but it is funny!!



Sydney Morning Radio

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many folk DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney .

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.

The game is called "Mate Match".

The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification.

If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter, and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clockthis morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great??

Brian: "That is more adventure than the previous Hundred times I've done it."

DJ: "Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now, and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing) Sarah: (laughing)

DJ: "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well... "

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the a*se....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

justtravel
15-11-2011, 16:21
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

AL JAY
16-11-2011, 15:49
A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, may be a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.







The husband said, "I'm not sure, I think she might have choked". :crylaughing::crylaughing::crylaughing:

BobMac
18-11-2011, 16:41
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through - you will love this!




Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make £400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here."

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy £1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

The CEO, feeling pretty good about himself, looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said .. . . .

.

.

.

.

.
"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

BobMac
21-11-2011, 13:19
ZEN TEACHINGS:

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just **** off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you pass wind.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you..

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... And most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our **** - then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

BUDLEY
27-11-2011, 19:35
Wife finds husband on the internet.

"What are you doing love?" she asks.

Searching for cheap flights he says.

"Oh I knew you was she says all excited.

She decides to give him a treat and takes him upstairs for the best sex of his life.

Later a little bemused he thinks to himself " I didn't even know she liked darts!!"

imablue
28-11-2011, 22:08
Putting Lessons...


An older gentleman takes his son and his grandson for a round at the local course. Being very busy there, they were asked if they wouldn't mind taking a fourth in their group,an absolute knock-out, probably the most beautiful woman any of them had seen. Obviously, the three men agree.
On the way to the first tee, the woman states "All that I ask is none of you try to coach me on my game. I really hate that!" The men agree.
It didn't take long to realize that no coaching was needed for this woman, as she made par on every hole, handily beating these three gentlemen.
They finally make it to the 18th green, and the beautiful woman suddenly gets concerned - she has a 30 foot putt to make par. "I've never, ever parred a course before. So I'm going to let each one of you make one suggestion as to how I should aim this shot. And if I make this putt because of your coaching, I'll give you a night you'll never forget!"
The grandson, full of vigor, steps up and says "Aim 6 inches to the left, hit it firm, and in it will go." The son, showing his maturity, states "Nope. Aim 12 inches to the left, hit it soft, and let the terrain push it in the hole."
Last up is the grandfather, who walks the 30 feet, picks up the woman's ball and says "That's a gimme."

Andy0210
29-11-2011, 00:52
Hows about this one............

Steve Kean.

Blackburn Rovers!

Enough said. :(

tonypub
06-12-2011, 22:05
Mr Cadbury met MIss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was After Eight. They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said with a Wispa. "I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts" he replied. He touched her Creme Eggs and slipped his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight and he shot his chewy centre. But 3 days later his sherbert dib-dab started to itch.Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he's got f&&&&&n Allsorts!!!

AL JAY
07-12-2011, 20:44
i phoned the police the other day.

"what's your emergency?" they asked.

i said "i've got two women fighting over me".

"well ok" she paused - "what's the problem?"

"the fat one's winning". :whistle:

imablue
07-12-2011, 21:29
Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

slodgedad
13-12-2011, 03:04
My mate was so fed up with trick or treaters at Halloween this year he turned off the lights and pretended not to be in.

"Sod the ships." He said. "My lighthouse, I make the rules."

pearlandfrank
15-12-2011, 22:47
Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair arrives at a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O’Leary."

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"

"That is remarkable value" Michael comments

"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 euro please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.

"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. -

You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."

"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"

Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir"

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."

O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".

"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please."

O'Leary's face was red with rage.

"Do you know who I am?"

"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"

"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10p per second"

"I will never use this bar again"

"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro

Sal
15-12-2011, 22:59
Love it!!! :crylaughing:

pearlandfrank
15-12-2011, 23:01
Love it!!! :crylaughing:

Stolen from another forum.

tonypub
16-12-2011, 21:00
I split up with the missus last night.She said I think about football more than i think about her.I was devastated, I'd been with her for 12 seasons.

imablue
16-12-2011, 23:18
i split up with the missus last night ..she said i love Everton more than i love her ..
i said... i love liverpool more than i love her.....:whistle:

BobMac
19-12-2011, 13:54
SINGING HYMNS

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve
brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad
and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...And begin to sing:

“What A Friend We Have in Jesus”.

Then we all go to the Bahamas ."

BobMac
23-12-2011, 12:09
Now a timely warning for the Christmas Season


When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart
problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

(it didn't do too much good for the Titanic either)

Warn all your friends.

Ecky Thump
23-12-2011, 12:49
A Christmas Joke.

Three men die in a car crash on Christmas Eve, at the Pearly Gates they are met by St Peter, who says "Before entering you must have something that represents Christmas".

The first man has some mistletoe in his pocket, he is allowed in.

The second man pulled out a cracker, he is allowed in.

The third man pulled out a pair of silk frilly knickers,
Confused St. Peter asked, "how do those represent Christmas"?
The man replied, "Because they are Carol's".

Santiago
01-01-2012, 00:03
A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence... and were out, heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

Merry Christmas

Nytehawk
06-01-2012, 22:58
I once saw a Scarecrow masterbating in a field, i think the poor sole was just clutching at straws.

marbro8
06-01-2012, 23:18
prince charles goes for a walk every night after dinner, he passes a prostitute and she says "do you want any buisness"? he says "£5" and she says "£150" he carries on walking and this goes on for 4 nights, on the 5th night camilla decides to join him on his walk,as they get near to the hooker charles avoids her gaze so as not to cause any embarassment,and as they pass by the hooker she shouts "see what you get for £5 you tight ****"

Santiago
06-01-2012, 23:53
A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Sid looks at the man, obviously a YUPPIE, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sid.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.

Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says Sid.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.

This is a herd of sheep. .... Now give me back my ******* dog!

BobMac
09-01-2012, 16:42
The Five Rules For Men To Follow To A Happy Life:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

BobMac
24-01-2012, 22:09
Some Funnies


A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing.

I said yes, but asked what I would get in return. She said I could play with her breasts.

I thought, that's fair, tit for tat.

-----------------------------------------------

I'm in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.

Apparently "Identify it" wasn't the right answer.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Why men shouldn't be Agony aunts.

Dear Phil
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start.
I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter.
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me.I'm desperate.

Dear Reader
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines.
Hope this helps.
Phil .

---------------------------------------

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough..once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought.Sod it..soldier on.

---------------------------------------------------

Just said to the missus."Hey fat gut..what do you want for Valentines Day"

She said "Don't get f*cking lippy"

I said "Mascara it is then!"

--------------------------------------------------

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

-------------------------------------------

An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Norwegian, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub. The bouncer says "Sorry.. I can't let you in without a Thai".

----------------------------------

Man sh@gging 30 stone woman. He says "Can we have the light switched off?" She said "Why? Do you find me repulsive?" He said " No..it's burning my bum".

--------------------------------------------------------------

You won't hear from me for a while mate. Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables....I gotta lilo.

----------------------------------------------------------------

News just in..There's a female ref for the United v City match. The kick off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.

-----------------------------------------------

Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor, says on the envelope DO NOT BEND. He's still wondering how to pick it up!

henry
01-02-2012, 20:43
has abyone heard there was a guy in america had a 7in nail in his head!! when the doctors took it out he went to a bar and got hammer!! even he made sure his drink was spike as well!!!

tonyjonty
08-02-2012, 23:31
At school i was perfect!
i don't know they made me one'
i can't even spell!!!!

Added after 7 minutes:

was at the wifes grave this mornin!!! oh she aint dead yet!!!
she thinks iam makin a pond!

Malteser Monkey
10-02-2012, 12:19
9 1/2 Leeks
Trefforest Gump
Cwmando
The Lost Boyos
An American Werewolf in Powys
Dai Hard
The Wizard of Oswestry
Cool Hand Look-you
Sheepless in Seattle
The Magnificent Severn
Haverfordwest Was Won
Austin Powys
The Magic Rhonddabout
Independence Dai
Seven Brides from Seven Sisters
The Bridge on the River Wye
Lawrence of Llandybie
A Beautiful Mind-you
The Welsh Patient
The King and Mair
The Sheepshag Redemption
Breakfast at Taffynys
Look You Back in Bangor
Evans Can Wait
A Fishguard Called Rhondda
Where Eagles Aberdare
Dial M For Merthyr


this one's for KINGBAKER...:D

kingbaker
10-02-2012, 17:37
9 1/2 Leeks
Trefforest Gump
Cwmando
The Lost Boyos
An American Werewolf in Powys
Dai Hard
The Wizard of Oswestry
Cool Hand Look-you
Sheepless in Seattle
The Magnificent Severn
Haverfordwest Was Won
Austin Powys
The Magic Rhonddabout
Independence Dai
Seven Brides from Seven Sisters
The Bridge on the River Wye
Lawrence of Llandybie
A Beautiful Mind-you
The Welsh Patient
The King and Mair
The Sheepshag Redemption
Breakfast at Taffynys
Look You Back in Bangor
Evans Can Wait
A Fishguard Called Rhondda
Where Eagles Aberdare
Dial M For Merthyr


this one's for KINGBAKER...:D


Absolutely.............:v3: :v2:


Still think you're a Welsh git!!!!!!:lol::lol::lol:

AL JAY
20-02-2012, 00:36
Push up Bra's

Their rubbish.....even when I'm wearing one I can't do more than 20!!

AJP
20-02-2012, 00:51
Conjunctivitus.com................................ ..................................thats a site for sore eyes...

Sundowner
23-02-2012, 12:37
The Liverpool fc manager flies over to Kabul to watch a young Afgani player and is suitable impressed and signs him for Liverpool fc.

2 weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with 20 mins left, the manager gives the Afgani the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation and scores 5 goals and wins the game for Liverpool.......the fans love him the manager loves him the media love him.
When he comes off the pitch he phones his mum to give her the good news.

Wonderful,! says his mum,! let me tell you about my day, your father got shot in the street and robbed! Your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters! All while you were having a good time!!!

The lad is very upset and says, what can I say mum, I am really sorry!

Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!! It your fault we came to Liverpool in the 1st place!!!

Medman
24-02-2012, 18:33
My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"

So we walked past it again.

TOTO 99
26-02-2012, 15:46
Geordie Eye Test


I
Y
Y I
I Y I
Y I Y I Y I :laugh:

kingbaker
26-02-2012, 17:29
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed
>
> He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
>
> "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
>
> To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!:crylaughing:

Added after 5 minutes:

Premature ejeculator seeks
tall, young, blonde female with huge
breasts, long tanned legs and
waxed granny... for

OOOPS its OK now. thanks:whistle:

Added after 2 minutes:


9 1/2 Leeks
Trefforest Gump
Cwmando
The Lost Boyos
An American Werewolf in Powys
Dai Hard
The Wizard of Oswestry
Cool Hand Look-you
Sheepless in Seattle
The Magnificent Severn
Haverfordwest Was Won
Austin Powys
The Magic Rhonddabout
Independence Dai
Seven Brides from Seven Sisters
The Bridge on the River Wye
Lawrence of Llandybie
A Beautiful Mind-you
The Welsh Patient
The King and Mair
The Sheepshag Redemption
Breakfast at Taffynys
Look You Back in Bangor
Evans Can Wait
A Fishguard Called Rhondda
Where Eagles Aberdare
Dial M For Merthyr


this one's for KINGBAKER...:D


Aren't you gettin' very naughty!!!:bootyshake:

Nytehawk
26-02-2012, 22:25
Went to the doctors today - Said Doc had this problem for three months, every time I sneeze I get horny....
What have you been taking for it he said.....?

Pepper

Added after 3 minutes:

It's always awkward when you break up with someone........................................... .........................................

and still have six hours left in your honeymoon flight.

kingbaker
27-02-2012, 13:55
Went to the doctors today - Said Doc had this problem for three months, every time I sneeze I get horny....
What have you been taking for it he said.....?

Pepper

Added after 3 minutes:

It's always awkward when you break up with someone........................................... .........................................

and still have six hours left in your honeymoon flight.

At least THIS TIME you left out the racist joke about Paddy the ENGLISHMAN!!!!!!HA!!HA!!:whistle:

Medman
28-02-2012, 21:48
A guy goes hunting. He stops to pee, leans his weapon against a tree
A gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin,
There was very little internal damage
We were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that
There was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy
Which left quite a few holes in it.
I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.
"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
Not exactly," answered the doctor.
"She's a flute player in the Larkhall Orange Order band.
She's going to teach you where to put your fingers
So you don't **** in your eye."

Santiago
29-02-2012, 23:57
Gardening with Grandma

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother That she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets'.
Happy Gardening.
Don't mess with a Senior Citizen!

kingbaker
18-03-2012, 18:12
> >> Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
> >>
> >> The only question asked was:
> >>
> >> "Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
> >> shortage in the rest of the world?"
> >>
> >> The survey was a massive failure because of the following:
> >>
> >> 1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
> >>
> >> 2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
> >>
> >> 3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
> >>
> >> 4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
> >>
> >> 5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant
> >>
> >> 6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant
> >>
> >> 7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
> >>
> >> 8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian
accent........

:crylaughing:

Adocros
18-03-2012, 19:52
Last night my brother stole my chocolate bar; how dairy

Nytehawk
19-03-2012, 21:52
After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a rusty old car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23 year old girl.

Now ... I have a £500,000.00 home, a £35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63 year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23 year old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a rusty old car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white TV.

I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my house. I think he's lost his rag....

Added after 4 minutes:

Sometimes, when you cry, no one sees your tears.................

Sometimes, when you are worried, no one sees your pain.........

Sometimes, when you are happy, no one sees your smile..........

But fart just once!

Sometimes, when you cry, no one sees your tears.................

Sometimes, when you are worried, no one sees your pain.........

Sometimes, when you are happy, no one sees your smile..........

But fart just once!

imablue
19-03-2012, 22:14
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?" He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?" Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?" Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm friggin STARVING!!

Santiago
19-03-2012, 23:42
Exercise for people over 50!

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.


With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.



Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.




After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.


Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.




After you feel confident at that level,


put a potato in each bag.

Medman
20-03-2012, 18:45
Got offered a job as a noise pollution inspector
Had to turn it down

Bought some cheese last month but didn't like it
there's stiltons left

Had a horsemeat curry last night
Gave me the trots

Just bought a gps system
Without it I don't know where I'd be

A friend just dug a hole in my garden and filled it with water
I think he meant well

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars
I said 'May divorce be with you'

Bought a stock car to race with. It was all going well until it rained
I was left in a puddle of gravy

I saw a clairvoyant smiling at me so I slapped her in the face
I like to strike a happy medium :crylaughing:

I Packed my job in at the helium factory today,
I'm not being spoken to in that tone of voice!!!!

starling
20-03-2012, 19:38
A Conversation in Heaven.



SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit
shaking from the cold, I began to get
warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful
death. What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the
den watching TV.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman there
somewhere that I started running all over the
house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then
I went through every closet and checked under
all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked
everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted
that I just keeled over with a heart attack and
died.

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive.
********************************
These are brilliant, especially the last one
Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'..
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------
EXCELLENT - - - - - - - BEST SO FAR !

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

__________________________________________________ ____________________


A guy is driving around the back woods of Preston and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid,"the guy says.

"Ten quid? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the garden"

imablue
20-03-2012, 23:30
Thomas the Tank Engine

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, All of You B*****ds who want off, get off now, cause were in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get on, cause were going down the tracks.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, We dont Use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want You to Use nice language.

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed Playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

She hears the little boy continue,

For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us Today.

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

For those of you who are p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the kitchen.

kingbaker
21-03-2012, 11:10
Exercise for people over 50!

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.


With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.



Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.




After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.


Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.






After you feel confident at that level,


put a potato in each bag.




I think that this one's aimed at you MM!!!!!!:whistle::whistle:

BobMac
21-03-2012, 14:17
An Arab enters a taxi..........

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of
the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ........

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: "What are you doing?"

The cabby answers: "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.

So get out and wait for a f??king camel."

seanocelt
21-03-2012, 16:38
Poor old Heidi Klum, in the months following her split with Seal she's developed a terrible drugs problem and is now working in the sex industry, ah well Heidi High, Heidi Ho.

Nytehawk
21-03-2012, 23:48
Son: father what is the difference between confident and confidential??

Father: see you are my son that I am confident but your friend is my son that is confidential

Added after 3 minutes:

Quasimodo retires so the bishop of Notre Dame advertises for a new bell ringer. An armless man shows up, says he can do the job, and persuades the bishop to let him demonstrate. They go up to the bell tower where the man head-butts the bell to make it ring. The bishop is amazed but when the man tries to ring the bell a second time he slips and falls over the edge of the tower to his death.

The bishop runs down the tower stairs to find that a crowd has gathered around the dead man. A policeman asks: "Do you know this man's name?"
The bishop replies: "No but his face rings a bell"

Nytehawk
22-03-2012, 22:43
A bus from the blind school stops at a country pub for a drink.After a while they ask if they can be led outside to play football.One of the locals asks their tutor how they can play football if the,re blind. He tell,s him they play with a ball with bells in it so they can work out where the ball is.After about 10 minutes a local comes running in and says to the tutor "You,d better come outside quick your pupils are kicking the s**t out of the Morris dancers".

Nytehawk
23-03-2012, 21:13
Man in bar orders Champagne.
Lady next to him says "What a Coincidence. I've ordered Champagne too!"
"I'm celebrating"
... "Me too what a coincidence!" "What are you celebrating?"
"Hubby and I have tried for years for a baby, today I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence. I'm a Farmer, for years my hens were infertile, today all laid Eggs!"
"Wow! How did that happen?"
"I used a different ****."
The lady smiled, clinked her glass and said "What a coincidence..." ... He heh !!!

Added after 11 Hours 33 minutes:

The question:- What DID the egg say to the boiling water??????
How am I supposed to get hard if I just got laid 10 minutes ago?

Nytehawk
25-03-2012, 21:47
A young Catholic man arrived home one in Belfast and was asked by his father why he missed saying the rosary with the family." I met a girl,Dad and went to the cinema".Dad still was not satisfied,"Tell me son" what is her background? What side of the divide is she from? the son replied as he was shutting his bedroom door,she is a pro banging the door shut. The father rushed up the stairs in a rage,did you say she is a Protestant? no Dad said the son, I said she was a prostitute. "Oh thats okay" said Dad, 2I thought you said Protestant.":pray:

Nytehawk
26-03-2012, 21:30
I went into the mobile phone shop this morning with my wife.
While she looked at the phones I went to see the assistant.

"Hi pal" I said, "My wife's been nagging me and nagging me to get her a phone."

"Would you like to take a contract out?" He asked.

"Yeah why do you know a guy?" I whispered. :eyebrows:

Nytehawk
27-03-2012, 21:42
What's in the box? A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She
picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell
you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people
buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are
buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back
to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to
buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we
cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of
old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that
you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the
dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little
old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The
cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box
that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and
quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like *****e."
The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet
paper."
The Moral of the story is...................................

Don't mess with old people.

Added after 11 Hours 56 minutes:

I got cut up by a taxi driver last week.
i was was walking through town today and I recognised him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank

I got in the first taxi in the queue and said ' how much to the station'
'£5' he replied
'and how much for a b*** j**?' I asked him
I'm not having any of that' he said ''get out of my cab'

I got in the second taxi and said '' how much to the station'
'£5'' he replied
'and how much for a b*** j**?' I asked him
thats disgusting' he said 'Get out'

I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of each taxi in turn, until I came to my target at the back of the queue
how much to the station'
'£5' he replied
'OK lets go'

As we pulled out and overtook the other taxis I wound the window down and gave all the other drivers a thumbs up with a big grin on my face.

starling
28-03-2012, 21:09
Y
IY
IYI
YIYIYI
A Geordie eye test.

********************************************

My dad worked on the roads for over forty years before being sacked for for stealing !!!
I didn't believe it at first ...... but when I got home , all the signs were there.

**********************************************

marbro8
28-03-2012, 22:10
i see that they have re made the titanic in 3d? they might be able to see the friggin ice berg this time lol

Medman
30-03-2012, 09:15
Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning having gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, sheer guts plus arrogance; it's Yiddish and, as Leo Rosten writes, no other word, and no other language, can do it justice.

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for a dollar each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and as he passed the pretzel stand he would leave her a dollar, but never take a pretzel.

This offering went on for more than 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his dollar as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him for the first time in over 3 years. Without blinking an eye she said: "They're a dollar and a quarter now."

kingbaker
30-03-2012, 11:39
:bowdown:Nice one Medman!!:bowdown:

Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving School. They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited, and arrange to meet for lunch.



Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.



Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number.



After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.



Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.



Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London’s leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft. apartment on Park Lane, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal.



Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy.



Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.



Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco’s. They live in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive.



Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people’s home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent.



Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.:whistle::whistle::whistle:

starling
30-03-2012, 14:51
Paddy & his wife were discussing their sex life.
"I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight" he said.
"What the hell is that?" asked his wife.
"You bend over, hands on the floor. I pick your legs up and sh** you from behind" said Paddy.
She says, "I'll do it on 2 conditions: 1/ If it hurts you stop straight away, and 2/ You make sure we don't go past my mums house."

Malteser Monkey
30-03-2012, 14:59
For those newbies who haven't seen this one before (cracks me up every time)


There's an Italian, a Frenchman and an Irishman:

The Italian says, "When I have a-finished makina love with my girl-a-friend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She floatsa 6 inches abova da bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick ze soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".

The Irishman says, "Dat's nottin'. When Oi've finished sha++in' me bord, I get out of da bed, walk over to d'window and wipe me knob on the curtains.
She hits the feckin' roof ."

Adocros
30-03-2012, 15:03
A tennis ball goes into a bar.

The barman asks, "Have you been served"

Added after 17 minutes:

A Chinese, an Italian and a Yorkshireman meet in a bar; all moaned about their wives and decided to start showing who is the boss.

A month later they meet up again.

The Chinese said, “I told my wife, the kitchen needs decorating, the grass needs cutting and my shirts need ironing. After three days, I saw the kitchen looked like new; the lawn was tidy and my shirts were pristine”.

The Italian said, “I told my wife my golf clubs need cleaning; the carpets need vacuuming and the shopping needs doing. After three days, I saw a stock of fruit, vegetables and lots of things to eat; my golf clubs looked like new and the carpets looked colourful once again”.

The Yorkshireman said, “I told the wife the grass needs cutting; my shirts need washing and ironing and that the car needs a good clean. After three days, once the swelling had gone down …..”

Nytehawk
30-03-2012, 19:33
‎2 indians junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both were rushed to hospital.... One's in a korma, the other's got a dodgy tikka!! !=))

Nytehawk
02-04-2012, 20:02
BREAKING NEWS.... BREAKING NEWS.............
Some very sad news I'm afraid, the owner of my local Showcase Cinema has died today. His funeral is on Friday at 2:10, 4:10, 6:30 & 8:15...:eyebrows:

Medman
03-04-2012, 10:44
'Viagra' is now available
In powder form for your tea.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance
But it does stop your biscuit going soft.


More in same vein !

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.

A s he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this **** but me."

kingbaker
03-04-2012, 12:20
For those newbies who haven't seen this one before (cracks me up every time)


There's an Italian, a Frenchman and an Irishman:

The Italian says, "When I have a-finished makina love with my girl-a-friend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She floatsa 6 inches abova da bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick ze soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".

The Irishman says, "Dat's nottin'. When Oi've finished sha++in' me bord, I get out of da bed, walk over to d'window and wipe me knob on the curtains.
She hits the feckin' roof ."

Naughty!! Naughty!! I think that oh of yours needs to take you in hand, as it's worse you're gettin'

:laugh::wave:


‎2 indians junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both were rushed to hospital.... One's in a korma, the other's got a dodgy tikka!! !=))

:crylaughing::crylaughing::crylaughing::crylaughin g::crylaughing::crylaughing::crylaughing::crylaugh ing::wave:

Malteser Monkey
03-04-2012, 12:35
Naughty!! Naughty!! I think that oh of yours needs to take you in hand, as it's worse you're gettin'

:laugh::wave:


...............:whistle::crazy:

Nytehawk
04-04-2012, 09:19
My wife does nothing but talk talk rabbit rabbit bunny bunny talk talk talk talk rabbit bunny rabbit she never bluddy stops her incessant talking. Drives me nuts; last December was our 25th wedding anniversary she started of in March how are going to commemorate our 25th this went on for 6 months until I cracked and said how about two minutes silence??? She said dont be funny actually i would like something that gets me from 0 to 120 in under 7 seconds................
So I bought her a set of bathroom scales Hee!! she said ha ha your being funny again
Then she said what i would really like is to go somewhere ive never been before and see something I've never seen before..............
So I took her down to the kitchen and showed her the sink, she said now your taking the pi$$ but, (theres always a but!) while your here you can help me with these dishes. So she lifted an empty milk bottle, washed, and rinsed it, handed it to me and said dry that and put it in the bottom of the fridge
I think I've noticed this empty bottle of milk before but never got around
to asking her why she keeps an empty bottle of milk in the bottom of the fridge.....
It's for those who like their coffee black she said......................
Pssst Yes she is a blonde!! :crazy:

Added after 1 51 minutes:

A woman and a man meet at a Dating Agency. The man sits down and says, “I’ve only got three questions.” “OK,” replies the woman. “Do you like to clean?” he asks. “I love cleaning” she replies. “Great. Do you like to cook for other people?” “I love to cook” she says. “Fantastic,” says the man. “OK, last question. Do you like sex?” “I like it infrequently,” she replies.
The man thinks then asks, “Is that one word or two?”

Added after 2 minutes:

I am going to change water suppliers to Oxfam when I get a minute, they reckon they can supply fresh water for just £2 per month.

Added after 8 Hours 27 minutes:

Irish vs The French!

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well Paddy, Sarkozy replied. How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'


Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'


'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no f****n' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

Nytehawk
05-04-2012, 20:57
In some communities the Post person is an important Social link. May it continue, now here's the gag.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to ...10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and put it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the Postman was lying dead on their porch.

Santiago
05-04-2012, 21:35
It was the Scotland/Wales rugby International weekend in Edinburgh and as the crowds made their way down Princes Street towards Murrayfield, a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass, with its jaws wide open ready to attack.



The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man in red jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.



As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from the Glasgow Herald who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said, 'That was brilliant, I can see the headline now - 'Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death'.



The man replied, 'No you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!'



'Don't worry' said the journalist, 'I can see the headline now – 'Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler'.



The man replied, 'No you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh; I'm from London .'



The journalist said, 'Don't worry; I can see the headline now –


'English B a s t a r d Strangles Family Pet'.....................

kingbaker
06-04-2012, 10:30
OOOPS!!! on the way to hospital now --that new Dyson ball cleaner,

wasn't what I thought it was!!:whistle:

Medman
06-04-2012, 11:06
OOOPS!!! on the way to hospital now --that new Dyson ball cleaner,

wasn't what I thought it was!!:whistle:

Just testing ?

kingbaker
06-04-2012, 23:07
:D :D :D A German dwarf came to Londres, and went to a prostitute. She thought- he'll never manage this,
it'll be easy money. Just before he started, he put on a big spring on each elbow and both knees
and then he sha**ed her for 6 hours non stop. She then asked him breathlessly " how did you manage
that??"
He replied "it's my four-sprung-dwarf-technique" :lol:

Santiago
10-04-2012, 13:14
On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow plows can get through".
So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through".
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that all Scotsmen who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?"

:shiver

Nytehawk
10-04-2012, 20:05
I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night.

He told me to f*** off and buy my own.

I got a text today saying: 'Our Records Show That You Are Entitled To Compensation For The Accident you suffered'.

I thought,"It must have been serious-I can't even remember having one".

hackney58
12-04-2012, 19:57
A vampire bat came in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to **** off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in..
"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I f******g didn't."

Nytehawk
12-04-2012, 20:48
Just back from a holiday, in France, I took a guided tour of a spring factory.

It was in the Dordogne.

Added after 11 minutes:

An old lady was standing at the railing of the Top Deck of the ill fated Titanic the day after it set sail on its maiden voyage holding her hat on tightly so that it wouldn't blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?""Yes I know" said the lady "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam you must know that your underwear is exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.The woman looked down and replied, "Sir anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Medman
16-04-2012, 07:41
A group of 15-year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View Restaurant because they only had $6.00 among them and Jane Johnson, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see her and they can ride their bikes there.

Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover, and there were lots of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the booze was good, it was right near the gym, and if they went late enough there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later, at 55, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they had never been there before.

kingbaker
16-04-2012, 14:51
A group of 15-year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View Restaurant because they only had $6.00 among them and Jane Johnson, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see her and they can ride their bikes there.

Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover, and there were lots of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the booze was good, it was right near the gym, and if they went late enough there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later, at 55, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they had never been there before.

:eyebrows:
Thanks for that one Uncle Mick:eyebrows:

Nytehawk
17-04-2012, 22:14
An Oirish Story..
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.
• 'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

(Wait for it............scroll down.)
v
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v








I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

Nytehawk
18-04-2012, 19:09
I'd being seeing this nurse for a few days and we finally got around to making love.......As I stripped off I said to her "You must have seen a few Willy's where you work, how do you rate mine?" She said: "It's just slightly bigger than most I see." I said: "Thanks, what sort of nursing do you do by the way? "I'm a Midwife"" She says......................

AL JAY
20-04-2012, 00:19
I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn
cocktail.

I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!' ...............:D

tonypub
20-04-2012, 14:59
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day...
...
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off.

I sold 500 tickets at two pounds apiece and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won.
So I gave him his two pounds back.'

Paddy now works for a major international bank!

Medman
20-04-2012, 15:43
If you are over 45 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test


How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM


2. F_ _K


3. P_N_S


4. PU_S_


5. S_X


6. BOO_S












keep scrolling
















Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you? You do NOT have Alzheimer's

You are a Pervert !!

Nytehawk
20-04-2012, 22:04
A man walks into a bar in Dublin and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir," says the Barman. "That'll be Ten Cent." "Ten Cent?!" exclaims the guy. "That's right." So the guy glances at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a side salad?" "Certainly, sir," replies the Barman. "That'll be Thirty Cent." "Thirty Cent?" says the guy.
"Wow, I'd like to meet the guy who owns this place!" "He's right here on the premises, in fact he is upstairs with my wife," says the Barman. "What's he doing with your wife?" asks the guy. "Same as what I'm doing to his Business."

Added after 6 minutes:

Al Qa'eeda to go on strike

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike
next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled
to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed
to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number
of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut
by 25% this April from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the
increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a
subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of
Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this
was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike
action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members
are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We
don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick
in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he
currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained,

"We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in
a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the
realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to
Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the
afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and
laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to
tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle , Middlesbrough, Essex,
Glasgow and Australia stated that they would be unaffected as there are
no virgins in these areas anyway.

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely
put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle.
Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on
going to paradise.

Added after 11 Hours 6 minutes:

This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore

Nytehawk
21-04-2012, 19:17
Jack the Ripper and a lady of ill-repute are walking down the notorious streets of Londons' Whitechapel. It was dark, dingy and the mist crept around the feet of the two walkers. "Oh Sir," said the lady "this alleyway is awfully frightening!" "Tell me about it!" said Jack.

"I have to walk back down it alone!" :tiphat:

Nytehawk
22-04-2012, 23:02
Quick this one ...

An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years with a large
pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up
nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it
over as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a 5-gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned. "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
v
V
v
Some old men can still think fast.

starling
23-04-2012, 14:40
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.

And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and

get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.

'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio....


"Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . ..."

Nytehawk
23-04-2012, 20:52
The government is now saying that all dogs will have to be chipped. A spokesman for the Korean community said that this was great news

Nytehawk
25-04-2012, 16:14
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you
determine whether or not an older person should be put in an Care Home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

Added after 2 minutes:

mary: Is your husband circumcised?

jane: No, he's a complete ****.

hackney58
25-04-2012, 16:37
Roll Call in England

Attendance call on the first day back at school in Birmingham ...
The teacher takes the roll call:

"Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?" "Here."
"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here."
"Fatima Al Chadoury? " "Here."
"Abdul Alu Ohlmi?" "Here."

"Mohammed Ibn Achrha?" "Here."

"Mi Cha El Mey Er" Silence in the classroom.
"Mi Cha El Mey Er" Continued silence as everyone looked around the room. She repeated,
"Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er ?"
A boy puts his hand up and says, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me.
It's pronounced Michael Meyer."

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend seminar, Ken and his wife, Daphne,
listened to the speaker declare:

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to
each other".
He then addressed the men:

"Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Ken leaned over, touched Daphne's arm gently, and whispered,
“It's Homepride, isn't it ?"
And thus began Ken's life of celibacy!

starling
26-04-2012, 09:06
Girl says to boyfriend ' You make love like a decorator' He replies 'What..... slow....with smooth strokes and a professional finish?' 'No' she replies ' more like the council. You just bang it up, leave a mess, and I have to finish the job myself!'

A man walked into a pub and the barman says to him 'Your wife looked quite ravishing last night. Now, what can I get you?' The man replied 'Whatever you've been drinking mate."

Abdul the Indian wife beater headbuts his wife every night at 8 o'clock on the dot.

I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tyre and then roll me down the hill ........ they were goodyears!!!

Malteser Monkey
26-04-2012, 12:06
LIVERPOOL CLASSIC !

A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?

'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard
that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.'
All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll
need all your children's names.'

'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'

OK, and who's next?'

'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through
the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the
eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a
pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'

Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to
get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop.

It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'I call them by their surnames!'

Nytehawk
26-04-2012, 21:44
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his
weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while, in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

Nytehawk
27-04-2012, 15:56
A little lad hardly five years old was sad because he had to tell his Mum that he could not go to toilet number 2 and had the tummy ache
Mum said - "Never mind love, go try again"
He was gone a long time and she became worried and knocked on the door
"May Mummy come in Love"
"Sure - it is not working"
she went in and there he sat - slapping himself on the head - just too hard
She wanted to cry and said "please darlin' don't do that you will hurt yourself"
he said.............................
"Well it does work with the sauce bottle when Daddy belts it"

Nytehawk
28-04-2012, 10:00
A little boy and his dad are walking down the street when they see two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his dad"Daddy, what are they doing?" The father says, "Making a Puppy"
So they walk on and go home. A few days later the little boy walks in on his parents having.
The little boy asks, "what are you doing?" The dad replies instantly, "Making a baby."
The litel boy smiles and says, "Well flip her around!! I'd rather have a puppy instead!!"

Nytehawk
06-05-2012, 22:31
A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a Durban Cab Rank.

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman and made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from".
"Well if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?

Medman
11-05-2012, 00:27
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

Nytehawk
12-05-2012, 09:40
Just saw Vidal Sasson laying in an open casket............... Only the top was showing,
you know................. Head & Shoulders....

Added after 8 minutes:

My mate walked into his bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His Missus asked, "What's that for?"
"It's for your headache My sweet love."
"I don't have a headache!!"
"Gotcha"..........

hackney58
12-05-2012, 15:35
"Irish Petrol Station"


A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
Fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'

Nytehawk
12-05-2012, 18:53
Vidal sassoon's lawyers are due to release details of his estate later today,

I bet he was worth a bob or two.

Added after 4 minutes:

My Precious Satnav

I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car.

A Satnav is a driver's friend It tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav I've had it all my life,

It does more than the normal one, my Satnav is my wife.


It gives me full instructions, on exactly how to drive,

"It's thirty miles an hour" it says "and you're doing thirty five".

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake,

And tells me that it's never ever safe to overtake.


It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green,

It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front, It lists those to the rear,

And taking this into account, It specifies my gear.


I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device,

For when we leave and lock the car, It still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counseling, each journey's pretty fraught,

So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?


Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,

Makes sure I'm properly fed,

It washes all my shirts and things,

And - keeps me warm in BED!

(well, it used to................)

Malteser Monkey
14-05-2012, 13:53
A fair question

Which one is going to bring him back to life faster?



3049

Nytehawk
14-05-2012, 19:58
A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."

tonyjonty
14-05-2012, 20:24
my 5yr old lad came back from school today'with a picture he had drawn of our family.
he obviously knows about our financial problems!!!cos were all standin outside the fucjin house!!!!!!..................................

tried that new drug the other day!called MEOW MEOW! slept all day in front of the fire! went for a saucer of milk!then went round me neighbours garden for a ****!!!..............
i let my dog stick his head out me car window today! to see how long it could hold its breath! 9mins he lasted until i hit the pillar box! is ****in head fell off!!!

Nytehawk
15-05-2012, 09:38
You really have to love eBay, I sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month

Medman
15-05-2012, 10:44
You really have to love eBay, I sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month

I laughed at that one again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again :crylaughing:

hackney58
15-05-2012, 17:11
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to
Brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any
Time....

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The
Driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought
to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I
had the biggest p* nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're
Pulling my leg!"

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare
for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her
clothes back.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen
table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying
for no reason. I thought to myself , "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that
they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a
woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean , it's not as if she'd have to
reverse the bloody thing!

Nytehawk
16-05-2012, 17:51
An efficiency expert concluded the lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home." "Why?" asked someone in the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years. She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her "Honey why don't you try carrying several items at once.?" "Did it save time.?" The guy in the audience asked. "Actually yes" replied the expert "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner now I do it in ten"

Medman
17-05-2012, 09:27
A Glasgow boy takes his new girlfriend to his home for the first time.
He says "This is Amanda"
His dad jumps up and shouts "It's a F***IN WHIT ? !!!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"


Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. White exclaims,

"He's pissing in the fridge again!"

Added after 1 39 minutes:

My new girlfriend said it would be at least six months before she'd consider oral sex.
I told her I fully understood and respected her decision
I said I'd give her a call nearer the time!

Nytehawk
17-05-2012, 18:05
An Australian Love Poem

Of course I love ya darling You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now I never tell ya lies
I think it's very sexy That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket's on And fetch another beer

AL JAY
17-05-2012, 18:48
It's Official. Kenny Dalglish is the worst 'pool manager since Michael Barrymore.

Nytehawk
19-05-2012, 05:30
The Sneeze
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

Nytehawk
19-05-2012, 18:11
A TALE OF TWO FRIENDS

A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey, they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, he wrote in the sand:

"TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE"

They kept on walking, until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but his friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he carved on a stone:

"TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE"

The friend, who had slapped and saved his best friend, asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand, and now, you carve on a stone, why?"

The other friend replied: "When someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand, where the winds of forgiveness can erase it away, but when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone, where no wind can ever erase it."

LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TO CARVE YOUR BLESSINGS IN STONE

Take the time to live...

Medman
20-05-2012, 18:21
A TALE OF TWO FRIENDS

A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey, they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, he wrote in the sand:

"TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE"

They kept on walking, until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but his friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he carved on a stone:

"TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE"

The friend, who had slapped and saved his best friend, asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand, and now, you carve on a stone, why?"

The other friend replied: "When someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand, where the winds of forgiveness can erase it away, but when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone, where no wind can ever erase it."

LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TO CARVE YOUR BLESSINGS IN STONE

Take the time to live...

Not your usual stuff Nytehawk you sentimental old softy :D

Nytehawk
20-05-2012, 18:58
Medman.... You noticed :crazy: It was a momentary blip brought on by the usual falling down stuff Ha!! Never mind I will ensure it never happens again:raspberry2:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~

A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student’s immediate family.
A smart@rse student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. “But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?” As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.

When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. “Well,” he responded, “I guess you’ll just have to learn to write with your other hand.”

Added after 4 minutes:

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out out his torn coat pocket

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest, wanting to teach this man a little lesson replied, 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

Added after 4 minutes:

Those Greedy Irish.....

Two Irish men walking down a High St, Paddy say to Shamus "Look, in the shop window Trousers 50p a pair, shirts 50p each, and suits only £1.

Right Shamus says, what we will do is buy a car full take it home and sell it, but when we go into the shop don't let on we are going to sell it, or they may not sell it to us.

After entering the shop Shamus says to the guy behind the counter, Well take 100 shirts, 100 pairs of trews and 50 suits.

"You can't do that" says the shop keeper. Paddy thinking they have been rumbled, says "They are just for us, we are stocking up our wardrobe".

"I'm sorry" says the shop keeper, "I can't help you"

"And why not"? says Paddy.

"Because this is a Dry Cleaners" says the shop keeper!

Added after 31 minutes:

I felt really sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.....
He hypnotised 7 guys......... Then dropped the
Mic on his foot and yelled F??? Me.........
What happened next will haunt me for the
Rest of my life...........

Added after 3 Hours 20 minutes:

A Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby
Upon arriving he sits down, and the nurse says,
"Congratulations, your wife has had quins, 5 big baby boys."

The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney."

The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it
cleaned, the babies are all black."

Nytehawk
21-05-2012, 09:48
Don't you just hate it when someone dies and they play ALL their songs on the radio..........................................
I didn't know Abdelbaset al-Megrahi had so many hits!!!!!!

kingbaker
21-05-2012, 12:35
Don't you just hate it when someone dies and they play ALL their songs on the radio..........................................
I didn't know Abdelbaset al-Megrahi had so many hits!!!!!!


Yeah!! Bit like Dolly Parton, really big hits!!:crylaughing:

Medman
21-05-2012, 12:54
Yeah!! Bit like Dolly Parton, really big hits!!:crylaughing:

My all time favourite duo ! :D

Santiago
21-05-2012, 22:50
My all time favourite duo ! :D

As Dolly herslef said , "It takes a lot of money to look that cheap!" (Bless her!)

tonypub
22-05-2012, 11:24
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!' He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about, 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.'

Just then they came upon another cave
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................

You'll like this
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

Nytehawk
22-05-2012, 21:54
A Nun Grading Papers
CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK MARKING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!



PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

CHILDREN WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.



1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.


Aren't Children great!!

Nytehawk
28-05-2012, 18:13
If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it................................. It's just Spam.:bootyshake:

Added after 4 Hours 37 minutes:

I recently decided to try a new restaurant in town. It was quite busy and I sat at the only available table. As I sat down, I knocked the spoon off the table with my elbow. The waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table.

I was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" I asked

He replied, "Yes, sir. Ever since we had that efficiency expert. He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. So by carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

I enjoyed my meal. As I was paying the waiter, I commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

He replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my willy. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my willy, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

Hang on a minute," I said. "How do you get your willy back in your pants?"

The Waiter replied, "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

davship
29-05-2012, 10:39
How can you tell that ET is a scouser?
He looks like one...

But with the vocab of a Manc!!!!!!

AL JAY
31-05-2012, 19:13
Had my first cage fight last night.

The budgies still recovering.

Medman
01-06-2012, 11:56
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:

"Windows frozen."





Husband texts back:

"pour some luke warm water over it."





Wife texts back:

"computer completely f***ed now."

AL JAY
02-06-2012, 01:00
Walked past the fridge earlier and i thought i heard an onion singing a Bee Gee's song!
When i opened the fridge it was just a Chive talkin!

I asked the Chive if it wanted to be an onion?
It said...Im staying a chive,staying a chive...ah ah ah ah...staying a chive!!!

starling
04-06-2012, 17:15
Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's, his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat *******, I was talking to the cat!'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch.....so I've named him Bradford.

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and the waiter shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

Tojack
04-06-2012, 20:46
As the coffin was being lowerd into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral.

A voice from inside screams im not dead let me out. The vicar leans foward sucking air through his teeth and mutters too late mate the paperworks already done

BobMac
05-06-2012, 20:10
For all the Ipad owners - here's a new use for them

http://www.wimp.com/dadipad/

trevorife2
05-06-2012, 20:23
i bumped into an old mate today,he said what you up to nowadays?? i said i prepare meals for the homeless ..drunks .. and p***heads and down and outs ,he said do you work in a charity shop or homeless shelter ?? i said no im a chef in weatherspoons

AL JAY
07-06-2012, 20:35
Bloke sees an advert in a pet shop, 'Talking Centipede - £5000' He buys it and takes it home in a small box. After 30 minutes he opens the box and says, "Hello, do you fancy going for a pint?" The centipede doesn't answer.

Raising his voice he repeats the question but still he gets no answer.

Getting angry now, and thinking he'd done his money he shouts the question again!

At which point the centipede sticks his head out of the box and says, "I heard you the first time ffs! I'm putting my ####in shoes on!!! :D

kingbaker
12-06-2012, 15:42
The England team went to visit an orphanage in Poland today.

"It's heartbreaking to see their really sad little faces, with almost no hope at all"


Said Igor aged 6.:whistle:

Nytehawk
12-06-2012, 21:48
Do you ever wonder who discovered that you could get milk from a cow?
And what the hell did he think he was doing to discover it?

Malteser Monkey
14-06-2012, 11:08
Two Thai girls asked me if i would like to go to bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery

I agreed and they were right

We all stripped off and to my horror we had six matching balls !:lol:

Santiago
14-06-2012, 15:09
*The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a
customer and the Irish Railway Company.
*
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the
service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired
of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the
transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000
years ago.
Yours truly,*
Patrick Finnegan*

--------------------------------

Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our
service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The
only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,*
Irish Railway Company*
-----------------------------------

Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the
Book of Numbers Chapter 22, you will find that Balaam rode to town
on his ass.
That.... Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your
train in the last two years!
Yours truly,*
Patrick Finnegan.*



=

BobMac
14-06-2012, 17:03
A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The manager tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so Hamish hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book and everything checks out. The manager agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's General Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scotsman for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, Hamish returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest,which comes to £15.41.

The manager says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,and this transaction has worked out very nicely,but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000"?

Hamish replies: "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return:"


Ah, the mind of the Scotsman..

Santiago
15-06-2012, 13:40
"In light of the latest problems facing the European currency, e.g.
Ireland and Portugal having had a bailout; Greece facing collapse and
needing another bailout, a Belgian bank collapsing and now Italy and Spain
teetering on the brink, possibly tipping Austria over the edge...the
question is… should the UK adopt the Euro?"
>
> You would be interested to know that a cross-section survey of 10,000
people in Sheffield, made up of a representative sample of local
citizens consisting of Afghans, Albanians, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles,
Iraqis, Somalis, Bosnians, Turks, Moldovans, Latvians, Lithuanians,
Bangladeshis, Ethiopians, Russians, Congolese and Zimbabweans (phew!)
were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency and adopt
the Euro …… 99.9% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

kingbaker
24-06-2012, 04:32
The England team went to visit an orphanage in Poland today.

"It's heartbreaking to see their really sad little faces, with almost no hope at all"


Said Igor aged 6.:whistle:


I originally got this one about the Ireland team and changed the name of the victim........should'a left the way it was and Igor would'a been right!!!!:crylaughing:

starling
24-06-2012, 14:43
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, Are you a real pilot?

He replied, Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearman's, then the early Grumman's, flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, Always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.





--

BobMac
25-06-2012, 16:41
Open this LINK (http://taxi.ba.com/), type in your UK postcode and watch very carefully

Santiago
25-06-2012, 21:31
Well, I did, and it asked me to be more specific - I can't be more specific than my postcode!

starling
26-06-2012, 08:22
Well, I did, and it asked me to be more specific - I can't be more specific than my postcode!

It shows pictures of London outside the plane's windows and then for a few split seconds shows a glimpse of somewhere on your street (postcode). You have to watch carefully.

Santiago
26-06-2012, 13:55
It shows pictures of London outside the plane's windows and then for a few split seconds shows a glimpse of somewhere on your street (postcode). You have to watch carefully.

Perhaps the fact that I don't have a street, and I live over 200 miles away from London, makes a difference. I'll try a London address!

Malteser Monkey
26-06-2012, 14:57
Worked for me in my village !

Santiago
26-06-2012, 16:12
Nope. I can get the London bit but not the bits of my village. Perhaps Cornwall is too remote for BA!!!!!!:airplane:

imablue
26-06-2012, 21:15
It shows Lusty Glaze Road.. alright ...are you on a campsite ....? above the beach there .....

Santiago
26-06-2012, 21:57
No, not down at Newquay. Have given up so will post this instead!

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Catholic priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' Of course child. What can I do for you?' 'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perh......aps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused. Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!