It's a mad mad world

[starling]

Subject: Fwd: Fw: It's a mad world.




If there was still a shred of doubt that the world has gone mad, this should remove it:-

Only Divine intervention can now restore us to sanity !

This says it all…….

Pythagoras' Theorem: .........................24 words.
Lord's Prayer: .......................................... 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: .................................67 words.
Ten Commandments: .......................................179 words.
US Declaration of Independence: ...1,300 words.
US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: ...7,818 words.

EU Regulations
on the Sale of CABBAGES: ..................26,911 words

[starling]

Dear Prime Minister The RT. Hon. David Cameron, MP.

I wish to ask you a Question:- "Is This True?"

I refer to the Pension Reality Check.

Are you aware of the following ?

The British Government provides the following financial assistance:-


BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER
(bearing in mind they worked hard and paid their Income Tax and
National Insurance contributions to the British Government all their
working life)

Weekly allowance: £106.00?

IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN
(No Income Tax and National Insurance contribution whatsoever)

Weekly allowance: £250.00


BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER
Weekly Spouse Allowance:£25.00?


ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN
Weekly Spouse Allowance:£225.00


BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER
Additional Weekly Hardship Allowance: £0.00?

ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN
Additional Weekly Hardship Allowance: £100.00


A British old age pensioner is no less hard up than an illegal
immigrant/refugee yet receives nothing

BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER
TOTAL YEARLY BENEFIT£6,000?

ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN
TOTAL YEARLY BENEFIT:£29,900

Please read all and then forward to all your contacts so that we can
lobby for a decent state pension.

After all, the average pensioner has paid taxes and contributed to the
growth of this country for the last 40 to 60 years.

Sad isn't it? Surely it's about time we put our own people first.

[starling]

Subject: I love this



You think English is easy??

I think a retired English teacher was bored...THIS IS GREAT!

Read all the way to the end.................
This took a lot of work to put together!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins

weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English

for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea

nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural

of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one

amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English

speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck

and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?


How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a

language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why,

when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?

[starling]

HOW VERY TRUE!
My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach,
But we didn't seem to get food poisoning..

Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting
E.Coli Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring),
no beach closures then.
We all took PE. And risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop sandshoes instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air
cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car.
I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

We got the cane for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to
honour & respect those older than us.
We had 50 kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do math’s and spell almost all the words needed to
write a grammatically correct letter......., FUNNY THAT!!

We all said prayers in school irrespective of our religion, sang the national anthem and no one got upset.
Staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention we wish we hadn’t got.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. We weren't!!

Oh yeah ... And where was the antibiotics and sterilisation kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the
2/6p bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics
And then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.
How could we possibly have known that?

We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes.
We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!

How did we ever survive?

LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA.
AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T, SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED.
I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!


Pass this to someone and remember that life's most simple pleasures are very often the best.


AAAAh, those WERE the days!!!!

[Medman]

HOW VERY TRUE!
My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach,
But we didn't seem to get food poisoning..

Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting
E.Coli Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring),
no beach closures then.
We all took PE. And risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop sandshoes instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air
cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car.
I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

We got the cane for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to
honour & respect those older than us.
We had 50 kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do math’s and spell almost all the words needed to
write a grammatically correct letter......., FUNNY THAT!!

We all said prayers in school irrespective of our religion, sang the national anthem and no one got upset.
Staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention we wish we hadn’t got.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. We weren't!!

Oh yeah ... And where was the antibiotics and sterilisation kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the
2/6p bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics
And then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.
How could we possibly have known that?

We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes.
We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!

How did we ever survive?

LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA.
AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T, SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED.
I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!


Pass this to someone and remember that life's most simple pleasures are very often the best.


AAAAh, those WERE the days!!!!

So true SL. We were brought up in a truly great time. (IMHO)

[starling]

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones
are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,



Then You Are Probably

The Family Dog!





And you thought I was going to get all spiritual ...

Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.

If you can't eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away

[starling]

Nick Clegg

> Nick Clegg walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque. As he
> approached the cashier he said "Good morning, could you please cash
> this cheque for me"?
>
> Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your
> ID?"
>
> Clegg: "Well I didn't bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was
> any need to. I am Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister!!!"
>
> Cashier: "I'm sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the
> banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of
> identity."
>
> Clegg: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell
> you. Everybody knows who I am."
>
> Cashier: "I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank
rules
> and I must follow them."
>
> Clegg: "I need this cheque cashed."
>
> Cashier: "Perhaps there's another way: One day Colin Montgomery came
> into the bank without ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled
out
> his putting iron and
> made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we
> knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.
>
> Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis
> racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my
cup.
> With that spectacular
> shot we cashed his cheque..
>
> So sir, what can you do to prove that you, and only you, are the
Deputy
> Prime Minister?"
>
> Clegg stood there thinking and finally said: "Honestly, I can't think
> of a single thing I'm good at."
>
> Cashier: "Will that be large notes or small sir?"

[starling]

Human Mysteries
"JUST SO YOU KNOW."
The Human Body is a treasure trove of mysteries -- one that still confounds doctors and scientists about the details of its working. It's not an overstatement to say that every part of your body is a miracle. Here are 50 facts about your body, some of which may leave you stunned.

1. It's possible for your body to survive without a surprisingly large fraction of its internal organs. Even if you lose your stomach, your spleen, 75% of your liver, 80% of your intestines, one kidney, one lung, and virtually every organ from your pelvic and groin area, you wouldn't be very healthy, but you would live.

2. During your lifetime, you will produce enough saliva to fill two swimming pools. Actually, Saliva is more important than you realize. If your saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

3. The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
The egg is actually the only cell in the body that is visible by the naked eye.

4. The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue and the hardest bone is the jawbone.

5. Human feet have 52 bones, accounting for one quarter of all the human body's bones.

6. Feet have 500,000 sweat glands and can produce more than a pint of sweat a day.

7. The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades. The reason it doesn't eat away at your stomach is that the cells of your stomach wall renew themselves so frequently that you get a new stomach lining every three to four days.

8. The human lungs contain approximately 2,400 kilometers (1,500 mi) of airways and 300 to 500 million hollow cavities, having a total surface area of about 70 square meters, roughly the same area as one side of a tennis court. Furthermore, if all of the capillaries that surround the lung cavities were unwound and laid end to end, they would extend for about 992 kilometers. Also, your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart.

9. Sneezes regularly exceed 100 mph, while coughs clock in at about 60 mph.

10. Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

11. Your body has enough iron in it to make a nail 3 inches long.

12. Earwax production is necessary for good ear health. It protects the delicate inner ear from bacteria, fungus, dirt and even insects. It also cleans and lubricates the ear canal.

13. Everyone has a unique smell, except for identical twins, who smell the same.

14. Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born. This is why one out of every 2,000 newborn infants has a tooth when they are born

15. A baby's head is one-quarter of its total length, but by the age of 25 will only be one-eighth of its total length. This is because people's heads grow at a much slower rate than the rest of their bodies.

16. Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood the number is reduced to 206. Some of the bones, like skull bones, get fused into each other, bringing down the total number.

17. It's not possible to tickle yourself. This is because when you attempt to tickle yourself you are totally aware of the exact time and manner in which the tickling will occur, unlike when someone else tickles you.

18. Less than one third of the human race has 20-20 vision. This means that two out of three people cannot see perfectly.

19. Your nose can remember 50,000 different scents. But if you are a woman, you are a better smeller than men, and will remain a better smeller throughout your life.

20. The human body is estimated to have 60,000 miles of blood vessels.

21. The three things pregnant women dream most of during their first trimester are frogs, worms and potted plants. Scientists have no idea why this is so, but attribute it to the growing imbalance of hormones in the body during pregnancy.

22. The life span of a human hair is 3 to 7 years on average. Every day the average person loses 60-100 strands of hair. But don't worry, you must lose over 50% of your scalp hairs before it is apparent to anyone.

23. The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as an encyclopedia.
Your brain uses 20% of the oxygen that enters your bloodstream, and is itself made up of 80% water. Though it interprets pain signals from the rest of the body, the brain itself cannot feel pain.

24. The tooth is the only part of the human body that can't repair itself.

25. Your eyes are always the same size from birth but your nose and ears never stop growing.

26. By 60 years of age, 60% of men and 40% of women will snore.

27. We are about 1 cm taller in the morning than in the evening, because during normal activities during the day, the cartilage in our knees and other areas slowly compress.

28. The brain operates on the same amount of power as 10-watt light bulb, even while you are sleeping. In fact, the brain is much more active at night than during the day.

29. Nerve impulses to and from the brain travel as fast as 170 miles per hour. Neurons continue to grow throughout human life. Information travels at different speeds within different types of neurons.

30. It is a fact that people who dream more often and more vividly, on an average have a higher Intelligence Quotient.

31. The fastest growing nail is on the middle finger.

32. Facial hair grows faster than any other hair on the body. This is true for men as well as women.

33. There are as many hairs per square inch on your body as a chimpanzee.

34. A human fetus acquires fingerprints at the age of three months.

35. By the age of 60, most people will have lost about half their taste buds.

36. About 32 million bacteria call every inch of your skin home. But don't worry, a majority of these are harmless or even helpful bacteria.

37. The colder the room you sleep in, the higher the chances are that you'll have a bad dream.

38. Human lips have a reddish color because of the great concentration of tiny capillaries
just below the skin.

39. Three hundred million cells die in the human body every minute.

40. Like fingerprints, every individual has an unique tongue print that can be used for identification.

41. A human head remains conscious for about 15 to 20 seconds after it has been decapitated.

42. It takes 17 muscles to smile and 43 to frown.

43. Humans can make do longer without food than sleep. Provided there is water, the average human could survive a month to two months without food depending on their body fat and other factors. Sleep deprived people, however, start experiencing radical personality and psychological changes after only a few sleepless days. The longest recorded time anyone has ever gone without sleep is 11 days, at the end of which the experimenter was awake, but stumbled over words, hallucinated and frequently forgot what he was doing.

44. The most common blood type in the world is Type O. The rarest blood type, A-H or Bombay blood, due to the location of its discovery, has been found in less than hundred people since it was discovered

45. Every human spent about half an hour after being conceived, as a single cell. Shortly afterward, the cells begin rapidly dividing and begin forming the components of a tiny embryo.

46. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

47. Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.

48. Koalas and primates are the only animals with unique fingerprints.

49. Humans are the only animals to produce emotional tears.

50. The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet in the air.

[starling]

New exam for the elderly -- and not so elderly!

This test will keep that dreaded disease that effects your memory at bay!



New Senior's Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What colour is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?



Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below ....


ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ


1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8 ) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Orange (of course)

What do you mean, you failed?

Me, too!

[Medman]

New exam for the elderly -- and not so elderly!

This test will keep that dreaded disease that effects your memory at bay!



New Senior's Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What colour is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?



Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below ....


ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ


1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8 ) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Orange (of course)

What do you mean, you failed?

Me, too!

See you all in Eastbourne, where all the shop windows are bi-focal .... :old::window:

[starling]

This is a genuine letter to Government:

Make sure you are not drinking anything when you read this....you could choke...laughing

NIGEL JOHNSON-HILL, PARKFARM, MILLAND, LIPHOOK GU30 7JT


Rt Hon David Miliband MP
Secretary of State.
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),
Nobel House
17 Smith Square
London
SW1P 3JR

Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear?
I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.


Yours faithfully,


Nigel Johnson-Hill

[bonitatime]

Made my morning

[primrose]

Love reading these Starling.:thanx:

[LUCKY]

Is it possible i can have a further grant for not rearing pigs, At Lower GDS!!!:flatcap:

[starling]

Is it possible i can have a further grant for not rearing pigs, At Lower GDS!!!:flatcap:

Thanks Guys and Gals.... I'll post some more shortly.

[starling]

History Lesson



Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Ford.' Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theatre and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theatre.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Creepy huh? Send this to as many people as you can, cause: Hey, this is one history lesson people don't mind reading

[starling]

FOR LEXOPHILES…VERY CLEVER
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A calendar’s days are numbered.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which never developed.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
If you jump off a bridge in Paris, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she’d dye.
Santa’s little helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference, Who acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was prosecuted for littering.
Two silk-worms had a race; the result was a tie.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I wondered why the football kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehabilitation centre said ‘Keep off the Grass.’
Old soldiers who survived mustard gas and pepper spray are now seasoned veterans,
Don’t join dangerous cults; practice safe sects.

[starling]

THE DOCTORS OPINIONS ON THE BAILOUT PLAN

The Allergists voted to scratch it.
Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
Neurologists thought the admin had a lot of nerve.
Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under misconceptions.
The Opthalmists thought the whole idea short sighted.
Pathologists yelled ‘Over my dead body.’
Paediatricians said ‘Oh grow up.’
Psychiatrists thought the whole idea crazy.
Radiologists could see right though it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it a bitter pill to swallow.
Plastic surgeons said ‘This puts a whole new face on the matter.’
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward.
But Urologists thought it wouldn’t hold water.
Anaesthetists thought it a gas.
Cardiologists hadn’t the heart to say no.
In the end the Proctologists left the decision to the assholes in Parliament.

[starling]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 9 metres.

(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(O.M.G.!!!)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the...?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm.......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump

(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that, too)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

[LUCKY]

(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) :flatcap:

[starling]

True Quotes from cruise ship passengers.

(1) Do these steps go up or down?

(2) What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings once they melt?

(3) Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?

(4) Does the crew sleep on the ship?

(5) Is this island completely surrounded by water?

(6) Does the ship make its own electricity?

(7) Is it salt water in the toilets?

(8) What elevation are we at?

(9) There is a photographer on board, who takes pictures and displays them the next day. If the pictures are not marked how will I know which are mine?

(10)What time is the midnight buffet being served?

- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -

True Quotes from cruise ship passengers.

(1) Do these steps go up or down?

(2) What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings once they melt?

(3) Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?

(4) Does the crew sleep on the ship?

(5) Is this island completely surrounded by water?

(6) Does the ship make its own electricity?

(7) Is it salt water in the toilets?

(8) What elevation are we at?

(9) There is a photographer on board, who takes pictures and displays them the next day. If the pictures are not marked how will I know which are mine?

(10)What time is the midnight buffet being served?

[bonitatime]

What can you say
Ahhhhhgg

[starling]

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil in tent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

[starling]

Sent from my iPad

Begin forwarded message:

Subject: Fwd: Money Bags - trivia



Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years.





Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.



Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.



Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.



The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.



Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.



Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450 degrees F.



The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.



Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.



The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.



Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.



The University of Alaska spans four time zones.



The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.



In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.



Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.


Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.





A comet's tail always points away from the sun.



The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.



Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.



The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.



If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.



When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.



In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.



Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.



Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.


The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.





The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.



Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.



Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.



Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.



Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.



For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.



The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -

Sent from my iPad

Begin forwarded message:

Subject: Fwd: Money Bags - trivia



Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years.





Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.



Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.



Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.



The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.



Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.



Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450 degrees F.



The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.



Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.



The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.



Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.



The University of Alaska spans four time zones.



The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.



In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.



Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.


Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.





A comet's tail always points away from the sun.



The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.



Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.



The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.



If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.



When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.



In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.



Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.



Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.


The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.





The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.



Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.



Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.



Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.



Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.



For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.



The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

[starling]

1. WHY:
Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?
BECAUSE:
When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right! And that's where women's buttons have remained since.

2. WHY:
Why do ships and aircraft use 'mayday' as their call for help?
BECAUSE:
This comes from the French word m'aidez - meaning 'help me' - and is pronounced, approximately, 'mayday.'

3. WHY
Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?
BECAUSE:
In France , where tennis became popular, the round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French for 'the egg.' When tennis was introduced in the US , Americans (naturally), mispronounced it 'love.'

4. WHY:
Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?
BECAUSE:
In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

5. WHY:
Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?
BECAUSE:
In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he would 'pass the buck' to the next player.

6. WHY:
Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
BECAUSE:
In earlier times it used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host's glass with his own.

7. WHY:
Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?
BECAUSE:
Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, a performer 'in the limelight' was the centre of attention.

8. WHY:
Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?
BECAUSE:
Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

9. WHY:
In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?
BECAUSE:
When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl, Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scots game 'golf.' He had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced ‘ca-day' and the Scots changed it into caddie.

10. WHY:
Why are many coin collection jar banks shaped like pigs?
BECAUSE:
Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks.' When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

And now you know the origins of some of our strange customs .....

- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -

1. WHY:
Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?
BECAUSE:
When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right! And that's where women's buttons have remained since.

2. WHY:
Why do ships and aircraft use 'mayday' as their call for help?
BECAUSE:
This comes from the French word m'aidez - meaning 'help me' - and is pronounced, approximately, 'mayday.'

3. WHY
Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?
BECAUSE:
In France , where tennis became popular, the round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French for 'the egg.' When tennis was introduced in the US , Americans (naturally), mispronounced it 'love.'

4. WHY:
Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?
BECAUSE:
In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

5. WHY:
Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?
BECAUSE:
In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he would 'pass the buck' to the next player.

6. WHY:
Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
BECAUSE:
In earlier times it used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host's glass with his own.

7. WHY:
Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?
BECAUSE:
Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, a performer 'in the limelight' was the centre of attention.

8. WHY:
Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?
BECAUSE:
Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

9. WHY:
In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?
BECAUSE:
When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl, Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scots game 'golf.' He had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced ‘ca-day' and the Scots changed it into caddie.

10. WHY:
Why are many coin collection jar banks shaped like pigs?
BECAUSE:
Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks.' When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

And now you know the origins of some of our strange customs .....

[starling]

Interesting Stuff

YOU WILL HAVE DEFINITELY GAINED SOME EXTRA KNOWLEDGE AFTER YOU FINISH READING THIS MAIL.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =



Our eyes are always the same size from birth,


but our nose and ears never stop growing.


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.



= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


The words 'racecar,'
'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to
left (palindromes).


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = == = = = = = = = = = = =


There are only four words in the English language which end in
"dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are two words in the English language that have all
five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.WOW, ME TOO!!!!


= = = == = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


A snail can sleep for three years.


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


Almonds are a member of the peach family.



= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that also)


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have
a full moon.


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of
reproduction.


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


The cruise liner, QE 2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.



= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.




= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


There are more chickens than people in the world.


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


Bonus!! All the ants in Africa weigh more than ALL the Elephants!!


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


Now you know (a little) more than you did before!!

[starling]

Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.
- Cora Harvey Armstrong-

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.
(Unknown)
;
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
- Janette Barber-

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being -- hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
- Erma Bombeck -

Old age ain't no place for sissies ....
-Bette Davis-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
- Caryn Leschen -

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
- Roseanne Barr-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
- Maryon Pearson-

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-



When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.

[starling]

Understanding ISIS






This nails it!
Are you confused by what is going on in the Middle East?
Let me explain.
We support the Iraqi government in the fight against ISIS.
We don’t like ISIS, but ISIS is supported by Saudi Arabia who we do like.
We don’t like Assad in Syria. We support the fight against him, but ISIS is also fighting against him.
We don’t like Iran, but Iran supports the Iraqi government in its fight against ISIS.
So some of our friends support our enemies, some enemies are now our friends,
and some of our enemies are fighting against our other enemies, who we want to lose, but we don’t want our enemies who are fighting our enemies to win.
If the people we want to defeat are defeated, they could be replaced by people we like even less.
And all this was started by us invading a country to drive out terrorists who were not actually there until we went in to drive them out.
It's quite simple, really.
Do you understand now?

[kingbaker]

Clear as a bell!! :p

[Ecky Thump]

Clear as a bell!! :p

Ding Dong:cheeky:

[Malteser Monkey]

Ding Dong:cheeky:

Avon Calling


see you just can't help yourselves can you:whistle:

[starling]

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months,
saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received
a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not
Walter who's lacking intelligence.



2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours
attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded
himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was
standing beside them in the police line, shouting
"Please come out and give yourself up."


3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a
motorist and forced him to drive to two different
automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper
proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.


4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and
asked for all the money in the cash drawer.
Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the
store clerk and worked the counter himself for three
hours until police showed up and grabbed him.


5. DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during a
lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup
to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll
shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"


6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is
pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes
apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".


7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!

In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was
arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America
branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to
keep his hand in his pocket.

(hellllllooooooo!)


8. THE GRAND FINALE.........

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the
high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem.
No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, they
putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there
could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside
check revealed everything in perfect working
condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER ...THIS IS TRUE...
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was.... the trailer.

[starling]

Growing Older
​This just about sums it up...
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,


I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.


.... If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.


.... A whale swims all day, mainly eat fish, drinks water, but is still fat.


.... A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while


.... A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.


And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.


Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,

the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the

eyesight to tell the difference.


Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:


1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.


2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.


3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.


4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?


7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.


8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.


9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.


10.. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.


11.. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.


12.. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.


13.. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.


14.. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.


15.. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.


16.. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.


17.. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


18.. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . ... I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19... Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


20.. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO you before?

[starling]

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for
the bus:


1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car?


Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part
of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she
is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could
take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would
be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be
able to find your perfect mate again.


YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the
car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the
hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner
of
my dreams..

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn
thought limitations .

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put
her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the
hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings!

[starling]

Descriptive definitions...

CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco
rolled in paper
with fire at one end
and a fool at the other!

MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement
wherein
a man loses his bachelor’s degree
and a woman gains her master’s degree

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting information
from the notes of the lecturer
to the notes of students
without passing through the minds
of either.

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man
multiplied by the
number present.

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing
a cake in such a way that
everybody believes
he got the biggest piece.

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which
masculine willpower is
defeated by feminine water power!

CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks,
nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on.

ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel
you are going to feel
a feeling
you have never felt before.

CLASSIC:
A book
which people praise,
but never read.


SMILE:
A curve
that can set
a lot of things straight!


OFFICE:
A place
where you can relax
after your strenuous
homelife.



EXPERIENCE:
The name
men give
to their
mistakes.

DIPLOMAT:
A person
who tells you
to go to hell
in such a way
that you actually look forward
to the trip.

OPTIMIST:
A person
who while falling
from the EIFFEL TOWER
says midway
"SEE, I AM NOT INJURED YET!"

MISER:
A person
who lives poor
so that
he can die rich!

FATHER:
A banker
provided by
nature.

BOSS:
Someone
who is early
when you are late
and late
when you are early.

POLITICIAN:
One who
shakes your hand
before an election
and your confidence
after.

DOCTOR:
A person
who kills
your ills
by pills,
and kills you
with his bills!

[starling]

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping cent re you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare cent re where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's
all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never fully developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

... Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN...IT IS CHEAP MEDICINE.

[martincrabb99]

When attacked by a bunch of clowns.....always go for the juggler!

[starling]

Interesting!


Well I didn't know that!!!!!

There is an old Hotel/Pub in Marble Arch, London, which used to have a gallows
adjacent to it. Prisoners were taken to the gallows (after a fair trial of course) to be
hanged.
The horse-drawn dray, carting the prisoner, was accompanied by an armed
guard, who would stop the dray outside the pub and ask the prisoner if he would
like ''ONE LAST DRINK''.
If he said YES, it was referred to as ONE FOR THE ROAD. If he declined, that
prisoner was ON THE WAGON.
So there you go ... More bleeding history.

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot and
then once a day it was taken and sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive
you were "**** poor", but worse than that were the really poor folk, who couldn't
even afford to buy a pot, they "Didn't have a pot to **** in" and were the lowest
of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water
temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500s: Most people got married in June, because
they took their yearly bath in May and they still smelled pretty good by June.
However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers
to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when
getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the
privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women
and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you
could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out
with the bath water!"


Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath. It was
the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice,
bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals
would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." 



There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real
problem in the bedroom, where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice
clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some
protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. The floor was dirt. Only
the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "dirt poor." The wealthy
had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh
(straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they added more
thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece
of wood was placed in the entrance. Hence: a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung
over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate
mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for
dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight, then start over the next
day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence
the rhyme: ''Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot, nine
days old''. 


Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When
visitors came over they would hang up their bacon, to show off. It was a sign of
wealth that a man could, "Bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to
share with guests and would all sit around talking and ''chew the fat''. 


Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content
caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death.
This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes
were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf,
the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or ''The Upper Crust''. 


Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes
knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road
would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the
kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and
drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of ''Holding a Wake''. 



England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places
to bury people, so they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to
a bone-house and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out
of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they
realised they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on
the wrist of the corpse, thread it through the coffin and up through the
ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard
all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus someone could be,
''Saved by the Bell ''or was considered a ''Dead Ringer'' And that's the truth.


Now, whoever said history was boring ! ! !

[starling]

British tax return






This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return.

The HMRC (Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs) has returned the Tax Return to a man in STANSTED after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question: "Do you have anyone dependant on you?" he wrote:





"2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 90,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole of the European Commission".

The HMRC stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.

The man's response back to HMRC was:

"Who did I miss out?"

[starling]

IF THESE FACTS DON'T GIVE YOU A BIG CHUCKLE, YOU NEED TO LOCK YOURSELF IN A DARK ROOM! (wonder who the heck pays for all of these "studies"?!)


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.


(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(O.M.G.!!!)

Is that why they are always squealing?

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy)

(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)



The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)




The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)




The catfish has more than 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)




Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)




The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm.......)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)




A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)




An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)




Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)




Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)




Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)




Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.




In other words, send it to everyone!

(and God love that pig!)

[Medman]

IF THESE FACTS DON'T GIVE YOU A BIG CHUCKLE, YOU NEED TO LOCK YOURSELF IN A DARK ROOM! (wonder who the heck pays for all of these "studies"?!)


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.


(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(O.M.G.!!!)

Is that why they are always squealing?

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy)

(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)



The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)




The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)




The catfish has more than 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)




Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)




The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm.......)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)




A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)




An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)




Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)




Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)




Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)




Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.




In other words, send it to everyone!

(and God love that pig!)

Bump ......................

[Medman]

It's a mad mad Forum these days