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A Christmas Joke.
Three men die in a car crash on Christmas Eve, at the Pearly Gates they are met by St Peter, who says "Before entering you must have something that represents Christmas".
The first man has some mistletoe in his pocket, he is allowed in.
The second man pulled out a cracker, he is allowed in.
The third man pulled out a pair of silk frilly knickers,
Confused St. Peter asked, "how do those represent Christmas"?
The man replied, "Because they are Carol's".
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A Little Christmas Story
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence... and were out, heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this.
Merry Christmas
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I once saw a Scarecrow masterbating in a field, i think the poor sole was just clutching at straws.
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prince charles goes for a walk every night after dinner, he passes a prostitute and she says "do you want any buisness"? he says "£5" and she says "£150" he carries on walking and this goes on for 4 nights, on the 5th night camilla decides to join him on his walk,as they get near to the hooker charles avoids her gaze so as not to cause any embarassment,and as they pass by the hooker she shouts "see what you get for £5 you tight ****"
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A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Sid looks at the man, obviously a YUPPIE, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sid.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.
Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says Sid.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.
This is a herd of sheep. .... Now give me back my ******* dog!
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The Five Rules For Men To Follow To A Happy Life:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
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Some Funnies
A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing.
I said yes, but asked what I would get in return. She said I could play with her breasts.
I thought, that's fair, tit for tat.
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I'm in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.
Apparently "Identify it" wasn't the right answer.
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Why men shouldn't be Agony aunts.
Dear Phil
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start.
I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter.
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me.I'm desperate.
Dear Reader
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines.
Hope this helps.
Phil .
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After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough..once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought.Sod it..soldier on.
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Just said to the missus."Hey fat gut..what do you want for Valentines Day"
She said "Don't get f*cking lippy"
I said "Mascara it is then!"
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I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Norwegian, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub. The bouncer says "Sorry.. I can't let you in without a Thai".
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Man sh@gging 30 stone woman. He says "Can we have the light switched off?" She said "Why? Do you find me repulsive?" He said " No..it's burning my bum".
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You won't hear from me for a while mate. Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables....I gotta lilo.
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News just in..There's a female ref for the United v City match. The kick off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.
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Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor, says on the envelope DO NOT BEND. He's still wondering how to pick it up!
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has abyone heard there was a guy in america had a 7in nail in his head!! when the doctors took it out he went to a bar and got hammer!! even he made sure his drink was spike as well!!!
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At school i was perfect!
i don't know they made me one'
i can't even spell!!!!
Added after 7 minutes:
was at the wifes grave this mornin!!! oh she aint dead yet!!!
she thinks iam makin a pond!
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9 1/2 Leeks
Trefforest Gump
Cwmando
The Lost Boyos
An American Werewolf in Powys
Dai Hard
The Wizard of Oswestry
Cool Hand Look-you
Sheepless in Seattle
The Magnificent Severn
Haverfordwest Was Won
Austin Powys
The Magic Rhonddabout
Independence Dai
Seven Brides from Seven Sisters
The Bridge on the River Wye
Lawrence of Llandybie
A Beautiful Mind-you
The Welsh Patient
The King and Mair
The Sheepshag Redemption
Breakfast at Taffynys
Look You Back in Bangor
Evans Can Wait
A Fishguard Called Rhondda
Where Eagles Aberdare
Dial M For Merthyr
this one's for KINGBAKER...:D