Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

A 92 year old man went to his GP to get a physical examination.
A few days later, the Doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow-up visit the Doctor talked to the man and said, ”You’re really doing great aren’t you?
The man replied, “Just doing what you said Doc: Get a hot mama and be cheerful.”
The Doctor smiled and said, “I didn’t say that. I said you’ve got a heat murmur. Be careful!”

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The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodaiki a bright
foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up:
'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People,
shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodaiki: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more
difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can
do for your country?'

Once again, Hodaiki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John
F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves,
Little Hodaiki isn't from this country and he knows more about our
history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: `F . . . k the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodaiki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodaiki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodaiki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher,
'Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little $hite.
If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodaiki frantically yelled at the top of his voice,
"Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,
"Oh $**te, we're feckedd!"

Little Hodaiki said quietly, "Bob Diamond, Barclays Bank, 2012."

The human body has 7 trillion nerves.
My wife manages to get on every bloomin' one of them!

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Knock knock.

Who's there?

"Doorbell repair man"

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I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.

They're brilliant.

It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex...

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Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames Barrier in London .

Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam

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Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a
slapper. Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!"

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I was getting chatted up by a bird last night.

She said, "Have you got a nickname?"

"Yes" I said, "They call me Sledge"

"OH... Is that because you a sleek and fast?" she giggled

"No...... It's because I get pulled by dogs!"

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Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap!"

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I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"

"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"

That spider never knew what hit it.

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A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team
after Paddy accused Mick of copying him.

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A panda bear walks into a bar, and says he want's to have lunch. He reads the menu, orders and eats his lunch then he gets up to leave he pulls out an AK 47 and shoots the bar to pieces. Then he heads for the door.
The shocked bartender jumps out from behind the destroyed bar and yells "Hey, what do you think your doing? You ate lunch, shot up my bar, and now you're just going to leave?"
He answers "I'm a panda bear, look it up" and goes.
The bartender looks on wikapedea which says "Panda Bear a cuddly black and white creature. Eats shoots and leaves"

Nurse walks into the doctor’s surgery
“There’s a man in the waiting room. He thinks he’s invisible”
The Doctor says, “Well tell him I can’t see him today!”

I was using the gents toilet in a pub the other day when a dwarf came along side me and he started peeing next to me , he then looked down then up at me ..then down then up

then he looked down again and back up ... I said look mate i,m not that way inclined ,i,m not gay... so whats the big deal ? He said can,t help it mate everytime i look down you,re splashin me eyes ....

A senior citizen bought a brand new BMW Z4 convertible and drove it out of the salesroom.

Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M74, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.

When will these Jimmy Savile sex allegations ever end??
Police are now saying that Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it !!

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool , Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..

How soon can I go home?'

Hassan and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London.

Habib begs just as long as Hassan but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Hassan brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.



Habib says to Hassan, 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'

Hassan says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say?'

Habib's sign reads; 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Hassan says, 'No wonder you only get £2- £3!'

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say?'

Hassan shows Habib his sign....

It reads: 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan.

Paddy
One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

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Scottish Blood

An Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery the Arab sent the Scot, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scot who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scot a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street ."


To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

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Little Old Ladies

A priest decided to do something a little different.

He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever
hymn that comes to your mind -- the pastor shouted out > 'CROSS.'

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison - 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS..'

The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.'

The congregation began to sing - 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'POWER.'

The congregation sang - 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The Pastor said 'SEX'

The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing - 'MEMORIES.'

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In church I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you.

Dear Lord,

This has been a tough two or three years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite musician Michael Jackson.
My favourite salesman Billy Mays.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.
And now my favourite singer Whitney Houston.

I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are Ed Miliband, David Cameron and Nick Clegg.

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The Psychiatrist

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank."

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat, "Whisky".

He then turned to the fourth Mum June: "Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy."

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: "Come on, ****, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Fanny and Willy and go home."