Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

[Tshirt]

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
Afghan Desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up
behind the mess tent.

He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the
post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly
The Camel.

The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand
about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain
starts having his own 'urges'.

Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls
his pants down and makes passionate love to the camel.

When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'


'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls
are."

[Tshirt]

The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body... The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But old the Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'


The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'

[Tshirt]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. It's a local delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry Senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'

[Tshirt]

Andrew the drover from a huge cattle station in the Australian outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered.
"Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the **** out of the lot of ya!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"A couple of minutes ago!!

[Tshirt]

[Tshirt]

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 30+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.........

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,...........


" What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[Tshirt]

Two University students decide to make an engine that runs on vaseline.
After a period of time they have accomplished this and decide to test it in a car to see how economical it is.
They build the car and head out in the country and its going great about 100 miles to a small jar of vaseline.
Eventually the car stops in the middle of no where around dinner time as they are out of vaseline.
They both exit the car and are figuring what to do next when one of the students sees a house in the distance on a hill.
What they don't know is that the people in the house have a rule that after dinner the first person who speak has to wash up.
The two students arrive at the door and knock but there is no answer although they can hear the TV on.
They decide to enter the house to check this out and find the entire family (Father, Mother, Daughter) sitting around the TV and not uttering a word.
One of the students says "We've broken down up the road. Do you mind if we have something to drink !"

No one says anything so the two students open the fridge and take out two beers and sit on the couch with the family.
They then request another beer and as no one says anything they have a second beer each.
One of the students feels a bit amorous and asks the father if he minds if he has sex with his daughter and still gets no reply.
He has his way with the daughter and she doesn't utter a word.
The other student thinks that this is ok and asks the father if he can have sex with the wife.
Still nothing is said and he has his way with the wife and she also does not utter a word.
They have another beer each and still no word from anyone.
As they get up to leave one of the students says "By the way does anyone have any vaseline".

The father jumps up and says "I'll do the washing up!!!".


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[Tshirt]

Another Oldie

STEVIE WONDER IN CHINA

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.
A little chinese man jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The china man jumps out of his seat again and shouts - "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord.
A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.
But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!. Stevie is really peed off now that this man doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage -
OK smartie, you get up here and do it..

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing.

a jazz chord.. to say..I ruv you


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[imablue]

Paddy's dog has been missing for a couple of days and he's heartbroken.
Paddy's wife says " why don't you put a notice in the newsagents window?"
Paddy thinks this is great idea so he writes out a note and sticks it in the shop window.
After another couple of days pass his missus says " I thought we would have heard something by now Paddy, what did you write in the notice?"
Paddy answers "Here Boy!!".

[Liftman]

Do you remember that game we used to play, knock knock ginger, when we knocked on someones door and then ran away?

Well,some people still play it, but they call it Parcelforce.