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Thread: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

  1. #1241

    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    paddy walks into the pub with a chameleon and murphy says whats that paddy says its a chameleon. murphy goes up to it and says go on then tell me a joke

  2. #1242

    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    Went into my local the other day. Couldn't help noticing a fella chatting to himself. So i said to the landlord, who's the fella talking to himself. never seen him before, said the landlord. Out of curiousity i went up to the fella and asked if he was ok. So i said i couldn't help noticing you talking to yourself. No, No, my mates a tech wiz at electronics and he just invented this phone that is implanted into your hand, have a listen. Wow i said thats brilliant. After a brief chat i went back to the bar and told the landlord what it was all about. Anyway i finished my drink and had to have a wee. Walked into the Gents and saw this fella with the phone with his hands up on the wall, trouser round his ankles and paper hanging out his backside. I said you alright mate. Hang on he said, Ive just got a fax coming through.

  3. #1243

    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    A scouser walks into the local job centre, and went straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".

    The clerk behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are long but all meals are provided. You will also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays, the salary is £200,000 a year".

    The scouser said "You're bull*****ting me!"

    The man behind the counter replied "You started it!"

  4. #1244
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    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
    Satan: "Why so glum?"
    Biker : "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
    Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
    Biker : "Sure, I love to drink."
    Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Bombay Sapphire, tequila, Guinness, red wine, single malt scotch. We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
    Biker : "Gee that sounds great!"
    Satan: "You a smoker?"
    Biker : "You better believe it."
    Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
    Biker : "Wow...that's awesome!"
    Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
    Biker : "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
    Satan: "Good,' cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
    Biker : "Cool!"
    Satan: "What about Drugs?"
    Biker : "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
    Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day.. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
    Biker : "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
    Satan: "You gay?"
    Biker : "No......"
    Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough......"
    Ted

  5. #1245

    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    A little Irishman gets into a lift, he looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. They are both going to the 75th floor.
    The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, so he looks down and says, 7ft tall, 350 pounds, 20inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.
    The little Irishman faints and falls to the floor, The big guy kneels down and revives him...shaking him......
    The big guy says, What's wrong with you man? In a weakvoice the little guy says, What exactly did you just say to me before I passed out?
    The big dude says, Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you all the answers to the questions everyone always asks me....
    I'm 7ft tall, I weigh 350pounds, I have a 20inch penis and my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.
    The Irishman says, Turner Brown?....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said Turn around!

  6. #1246

    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    I am setting up a group for cyclists who ignore red lights Cyclists Unable To Notice Traffic Signals

  7. #1247

    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    i was wondering if humming birds are just regular birds that can not remember the words

  8. #1248

    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    I saw a dwarf today wearing a fez, saying, "Just like that," as he got into his car.

    I think it was a mini Cooper.

  9. #1249

    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    does anyone know if when moths are dying do they hear a voice saying dont go toward the light dont go toward the light

  10. #1250

    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    My Uncle died this week.
    He fell into a vat of varnish and drowned.
    It was a tragic end... but a lovely finish

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