Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

[Tshirt]

[Tshirt]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night just celebrating.

Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'..

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'.

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off and falls flat on his face.

'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.

'Shoite, Shoite !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes

a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the path and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jasus... I'm fecked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No feckin' way' but crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'.

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says '**** it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was feckin' ******. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

[Medman]

"TRUTHS" - Check these out!

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.

2.We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

3.Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

4.Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

5.Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken,Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

6. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit…A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.


"Life is too important to be taken seriously" - OscarWilde

[starling]

> > you can now get insurance for sex in uk !!
> > so make sure you get the correct, insurance for the sex you are
> > having.
> >
> > please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:-
> >
> > sex with your wife - legal & general.

> > sex on the telephone - direct line

> > sex with your partner - standard life

> > sex with someone different - go compare
>
> sex with a lady of generous> proportions - more than
>
> sex on the back seat of a car - sheila's > wheels
>
> sex with a prostitute - commercial union
>
> sex with your maid - > employer's liability
>
> sex with an oap - saga
>
> sex resulting in > pregnancy - general accident and finally
>
> sex with a transvestite - > confused. Com

>
> > make sure you are adequately covered!!

[starling]

Man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No" so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No" so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said "'ave ya ever been foocked, laddie?" The man broke into a big smile and said "No". She said "Aye, well yae will be when the tide comes in..."

[kingbaker]

Today [MENTION=41]Ecky Thump[/MENTION] is bringing his grandchildren up to the graveyard.......to show them where Santa is buried

[imablue]

Subject: Christmas Day
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golf course --'

She said, "Don't forget your hat."

[Tshirt]

I had a mate who always wanted to be run over by a train. When it finally happened he was chuffed to bits[emoji1]

[Tshirt]

My iPod wouldn't synch so I changed it's name to Titanic, it's OK now [emoji4]

[Tshirt]

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.


After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive More than a day or two..'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it Out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see Yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
Shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he
Fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's appendage. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was Sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my appendage in the right place, it can Give Life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get The hell out of here!'