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Thread: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

  1. #701
    Super Tenerifian obs's Avatar

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    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    National Orgasm Day

    He turns to his wife in bed and whispers "Did you
    know it's National Orgasm Day?"


    "Oh, what a pity," she smiled, "Right in the middle of
    National Headache Week !!
    I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left...

  2. #702
    Super Tenerifian obs's Avatar

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    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    Found a new resturant last night -

    Had an Irish mixed grill !!


    New potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes, waffles and hash browns with chips.
    I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left...

  3. #703
    Super Tenerifian Tshirt's Avatar

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    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many
    years. Two days before the group is due to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down
    and tells him he isn't going and that she's got something else planned.
    Naturally, Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
    Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
    "Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
    "Well, actually, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?"
    I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing only a see-through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. On her bedside table I saw the book '50 Shades of Grey'.
    She had lit candles and sprinkled rose petals around and on the bed she had handcuffs and ropes!
    Then she slipped off her nightie, laid on the bed and said,
    "Okay tie me up, hand-cuff me to the bed, and do whatever you want."
    "So, here I am!"
    Ted

  4. #704

    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT SENIOR STYLE

    An elderly couple in their 70's were about to get married.
    She said: I want to keep my house.

    He said: That's fine with me.

    She said: I want to keep my Rolls Royce.
    He said: That's fine with me.

    She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.
    He said: Put me down for Fridays.

  5. #705
    Super Tenerifian Medman's Avatar

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    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    UPDATE ON PENSION PLANS FOR BRITISH SENIORS

    Fantastic News concerning Pensions And Benefits in Great Britain.


    '
    '

    نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقشديوار و چشم
    خيره
    ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگررفت سايه. ر رفت نور اگر رفت سايهپيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره مانقش سايه دگرنمي دان نور اگر رفتسايه. ر رفت ديوار و چشم خيره مانقش سايه دگرنمي دان نور اگر رفتسايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ماسايه
    ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگرنمي دان نور اگر رفت سايهپيدانيستنقش ديوار و چشم خيره ماپيدا
    ني ست نقش

    If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.
    KEEP MUSIC LIVE

  6. #706
    Super Tenerifian obs's Avatar

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    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    Life explained


    Life

    This is perhaps the most profound philosophy I have heard in recent times:


    "Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free . . .
    it's women who make it hard."
    I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left...

  7. #707
    Super Tenerifian Tshirt's Avatar

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    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

    And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

    And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

    And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

    I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

    So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

    Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

    Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

    I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

    I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

    The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
    Ted

  8. #708
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    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    A crusty old ARMY Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.​ ​

    There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in ​attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

    "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

    "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

    The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

    "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

    The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

    ​T​he Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

    Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

    "1955, ma'am."

    "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!​ ​

    She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

    Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

    The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "​​

    I hope not; it's only 2130 now."​ ​​
    Ted

  9. #709
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    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    Eight-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
    "What's your name?" asked the teacher.
    "Mohammad," he replied.
    "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so from now on you will
    be known as Frank."
    Mohammad returned home after school.
    "How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
    "My name is no longer Mohammad. I'm in Ireland now and my name is Frank."
    "What?" she said. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to
    dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
    And his mother beat him.
    Then she called his father, who beat him again.
    The next day when Mohammad returned to school the teacher saw all of
    his bruises.
    "What happened to you, Frank?" she asked.
    "Well shortly after becoming Irish I was attacked by two ****ing Arabs."
    Ted

  10. #710
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    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up,

    "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".

    "Why do you think that ?" he said.

    "Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says

    "stit ruoy su wohs".
    Ted

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