Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

[Tshirt]

Baldrick: "What I want to know, Sir, is, before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used. And now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use. And what I want to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs"
Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?"
Baldrick: "Yes Sir"
Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980s there were many different countries all running their own finances and using different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of France , Belgium , Holland and Germany , and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain , Greece , Ireland , Italy and Portugal . They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises".
Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it, Sir?".
Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw in the plan".
Baldrick: "What was that then, Sir?"
Blackadder: "It was B*****ks".

[imablue]

Curly went hunting one day up in the Northern Territory and bagged three ducks.
He put them in the back of his ute and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a surly Territory game warden who didn't like smart alecs.
The warden ordered Curly to show his hunting licence, so Curly pulled out a valid Northern Territory licence.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its bum and said, "This duck ain't from The Territory.
This is a Queensland duck. You got a Queensland hunting licence?" Curly reached into his wallet and produced a Queensland licence.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its bum, and said,
"This ain't a Queensland duck. This duck's from West Australia. You got a West Australian licence?" Curly reached into his wallet and produced a West Australian hunting licence.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its bum, and said, "This ain't a Western Australian duck.
This duck's from South Australia. You got a South Australian hunting licence?"
Again Curly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Australian licence.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at Curly, "Just where the hell are you from?"
Curly smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert."

[Tshirt]

SMART **** ANSWER 6

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART **** ANSWER 5

A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

SMART **** ANSWER 4

The policeman got out of his car and the Teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART **** ANSWER 3

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead"
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it..
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"

SMART **** ANSWER 2

A teacher at West Australian University reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam..
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack , a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

SMART **** ANSWER OF THE YEAR

Telephone rings, woman answers.
Pervert, breathing heavily, says,
"I bet you have a tight **** with no hair?"
Woman replies, "Yes, I have. He's watching the rugby....
Who shall I say is calling?"

[essexeddie]

A gay guy who couldn't swim fell in the sea from the jetty. He was shouting and struggling. I shouted shall I throw you a buoy. He shouted back " dont be stupid I'm drowning"

[kingbaker]

I think your mixing up gay with paedophile. They are not even close.

[essexeddie]

Ooops! sorry.

[Tshirt]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a F*****' liar.. '

[Tshirt]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," the woman replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did.
He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

[starling]

aA man walked into a crowded bar with a loaded gun and shouted, "Who's been screwing my wife?"
A voice at the back shouted, "You don't have enough bullets."

My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.
Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your boobs cover it," wasn't the answer she was looking for.

A Liverpudlian went to court accused of having sex with a cat. The judge dismissed the case saying that in his 30 years as a judge he'd never known a scouser put anything into a kitty!

A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore ****. He goes to the corner shop and asks the shopkeeper "nah then, does tha' sell **** cream?"
The shopkeeper replies, "That we do Lad, does tha' want a Vanilla or a Chocolate?"

My mother-in-law is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said, "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help." So I sent her a timetable.

I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else. My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs.
Does he make a song and dance about it? Does he hell.

- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for
an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.

After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of
stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to
keep you occupied."

The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"

[Tshirt]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a Cricket Ball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "£250."



In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mother's lover are in the closet together.



Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a Cricket Bat."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "I'll tell."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "£750."

Man: "Fine."



A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your bat and ball. Let's go outside and practice!"



The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."



The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"



The son says, "£1,000."



The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."



They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.



The boy says, "Dark in here."



The priest says, "Don't start that **** again."