Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

[Chine]

That Jeremy Kyle show never ceases to shock me,he had a guest on this morning who had a full set of teeth!

[imablue]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and
examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked
if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied...

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

[Chine]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and his way with her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f#+*$$g dishes!"

[imablue]

I was standing at the bar when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the fruck you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick.

[Tshirt]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

(you are going to love this...)











"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[Medman]

Stay!

A man pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure his Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. The dog was stretched full-out on the back seat and the man wanted to impress upon it that it must remain there.
The man walked to the kerb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically,"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave him a strange look and said, (this is going to hurt read on)


"Why don't you just put the handbrake on?"

- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions" "Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?" Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions"
"My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early for lunch? And Where is Sasha?"

[imablue]

A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"

"I can, if I take two," he replied.

[Medman]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test
and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,
study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that
you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies
of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~
and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
You're going to love the Dad's reply:



'Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?'

[Ecky Thump]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f**king brick wall!"

[imablue]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, a Muslim fanatic
and a Biker are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ' POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.


The Muslim was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.


The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out;

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says

Fill it up with water