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Thread: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

  1. #1
    Super Tenerifian imablue's Avatar

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    Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    post all your jokes new and old .............
    A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her F.... on her wedding night, so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the f**king field were you before you realised it was caught".........

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    Super Tenerifian sunspot's Avatar

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    I got a new stick deodorant today.
    The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
    I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

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  6. #3
    Super Tenerifian CIM's Avatar

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    How can you tell that ET is a scouser?
    He looks like one...
    Buy or sell your Tenerife Property through Trusted Estate Agents
    Contact us for an informal chat about any aspect of buying or selling in Tenerife

    Las Carabelas, Local 6, Avenida de España, 38660, Torviscas.
    http://TenerifeEstateAgents.net

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    Super Tenerifian sunspot's Avatar

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    Girls night out

    two women, who had been friends for years, decided to go for a
    girls' night out, and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the
    ****tails.
    Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom.

    They were very near a grave yard and one of them suggested they
    do their business behind a headstone or something.
    The first woman had nothing to wipe herself with so she thought
    she'd take off her panties, use them then throw them away.

    Her friend however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear
    set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a
    large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she
    dried herself with the ribbon.

    The nextday the first womans' husband phoned the other husband
    and said "this girls' night thing has got to stop right now. My
    wife came home last night without her panties."that's nothing ,"
    said the other husband, "mine came home with a card stuck to her
    ass that said "from all of us at the fire station, we'll never
    forget you."

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  9. #5
    Mega Tenerifian mike in chayofa's Avatar

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    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst
    So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you are reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
    She said "I would like to come back as a cow."
    I said "you're obviously not f--k--g listening."


    Wife says to her husband "you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back."
    He says "what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair."


    What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
    One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.

    Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
    "f*ck that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

    My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
    Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
    .

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  11. #6
    Mega Tenerifian mike in chayofa's Avatar

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    Last night, my partner and I were sitting in the living room and I said to him,

    'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

    So he got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
    .

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  13. #7
    Super Tenerifian onelegnofeet's Avatar

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    Stephen Hawkings has been released from hospital with a broken arm and cuts and bruises ..........sadly his new girlfriend "Stood him up " on their date last night
    Support the RNLI

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  15. #8
    Super Tenerifian Sundowner's Avatar

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    A wife asked her husband to describe her. He said: you're A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,
    She said "what does that mean?"
    He said: Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot,
    She said: Oh that's so lovely. What about I,J,K,?
    He said: I'm Just Kidding!!!!

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  17. #9
    Mega Tenerifian mike in chayofa's Avatar

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    In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair?
    .......... Apparently, it's Africa.



    I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.



    A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
    I said "How can you tell them apart?"
    .......... He said "Her brother's got a moustache."



    Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
    ........... To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick *******.”
    .

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  19. #10
    Tenerifian Heffalumpy's Avatar

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    My wife caught me with my willie in the hoover yesterday.

    She said, "What the hell are you doing?"

    I said "The bits you always seem to miss."


    Women are like second hand cars.

    Doesn't matter how much you like it, always remember another bloke's thrashed the hell out of it then got rid of it for a better one.


    When I was in the pub last night I overheard a couple of idiots saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman!

    What a pair of sexist ****s. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing
    Last edited by Heffalumpy; 02-06-2011 at 09:59.

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