Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

[tub]

i have just been to the worst pub in england its called the fiddle it really was a vile inn

[Tshirt]

[Tshirt]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your a*** and go as a toffee apple


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[Tshirt]

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Aussie were lost in the jungle. They came across a clear pool of water and jumped in to cool off. They were suddenly surrounded by natives who dragged them from the pool. The native chief said “You have defiled our sacred pool and we shall kill you and use your skin to make canoes. We will grant you one final wish”
The Frenchman asked for a knife and shouting “I shall not be killed by savages , vive la France” he plunged the knife in to his chest.
The Englishman asked for a knife and shouting “I shall not be killed by savages , Rule Britannia” he plunged the knife in to his chest.
The Aussi asked for a fork ,used it to stab himself all over his body and yelled “That’s buggered your canoe you *******s.”


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[Tshirt]

Since it’s started snowing ❄️ wifey has spent the last two hours looking through the window .


If it doesn’t stop soon I’ll have to let her in .

[Tshirt]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee.
Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, spoke first.
Well, he said, 'I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip.
'I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible!
But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill, until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision might not have been the best way to start..."

[imablue]

A very attractive young lady wants to part ex her car for a classier model.
The salesmen is a bit of a good looker himself.
So he says i,ll give you 10,000 pounds with 3 percent discount,how much would you take off...
She says everything bar my earrings......

[tub]

runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat

[Tshirt]

Stevie Wonder meets up with Tiger Woods
“ how’s it going Tiger, asks Stevie
“ Great, replies Tiger, “ I’ve been working hard, got the swing back into rhythm and the back is holding up. What about you Stevie”
“Yeah good as well, written some great tunes, won a couple of Grammys and been nominated for an Oscar” says Stevie.
I’ve also taken up golf and have a handicap of 3”
Tiger replies ( with raised eyebrows) “ Really?
“Hey how about a game”, Stevie asks
“Well the thing is”, Tiger says, “time is so precious these days that I only play for $250,000 a match. “Is that ok?
“ Thats fine “ says Stevie
“Ok when do you want to play “ asks Tiger
”Pick any night you want”, says Stevie

[imablue]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on soft surfaces, like a grass path."

"Gentlemen, remember you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering... would it be all right if she carries a golf bag?"


Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?