Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

[Tshirt]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are £20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me £20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way,
what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

[Tshirt]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her cell phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in ICU..

As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her greatest shopping days. She decided to hit a couple of more shops on the way to the hospital. After a cup of coffee and a slice of chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop, she was in an absolutely jubilant state when all of a sudden she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And taking care of him will now be your career!' The woman was feeling so overwhelmed with guilt she broke down and began sobbing. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'




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[warbey]

stood in the Park wondering why frisbees get bigger the nearer they get.

Then it hit me.

[imablue]

I got sacked from work on the day we were due to finish for Christmas for profound deafness.
I could have sworn the young girl on reception said
"Would you like a quick kiss under the camel's toe!"

[Tshirt]

Four military guys were on a bike tour, 3 young and one older Vet, he was a tanned, older biker, a man's man. They set off on their journey but nobody wanted to room with Mick from the Paras because he snored so badly.
Deciding it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time they voted to take turns.
The first RA guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
"Man, what happened to you? they asked. "Mick snored so loudly I just sat up and watched... him all night," he replied.
The next night it was the Signals guys turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Bill's turn. He was an older well seasoned REME Vet. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said cheerfully. They couldn't believe it. "Man, what happened?"
"Well," he replied, "we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into his bed, patted him on the **** and kissed him good night on the lips...
...so he sat up and watched me all night!"

[marathon9]

im blue to ..... play up pompey

[imablue]

The name came about through people asking me are you a BLUE or a red when talking football with them.
My answer was ....I,M A BLUE... seemed appropriate as my avatar ..hence..imablue.

[tub]

in the doghouse today forgot to get the wifes birthday card she said to make amends you can get me something with diamonds in it so i got her a pack of cards i am still in the doghouse

[tub]

congratulations to the man who invented the knock knock jokes he has just won the no bell prize

[lawrence]

I went to the gym yesterday. Was having a break, when a big fat girl walked up to me and said " do you know what, ive been coming to this gym for 3 months now. ive done everything the instructor told me to do and i hevent lost 1 ounce" Do you know anything that will make me lose weight. So i paused for a while and said have you tried skipping. She looked at me a bit funny and said, skipping, like what the boxers do. I said no meals you fat git.