Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

[Tshirt]

John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse filthy vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly.

"May I ask what the chicken did?"

[mike in chayofa]

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.



• When chemists die, they barium.



• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.



• A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.



• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.



• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.



• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.



• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.



• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.



• This dyslexic man walks into a bra.



• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.



• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.



• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!



• Broken pencils are pointless.



• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.



• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .



• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.



• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.



• All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.



• I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.



• Velcro - what a rip off!

[Ecky Thump]

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Got him a Fosters ...... he didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Bass ale.
By the time we got down to the whisky,
I could hardly push the bloody pram.

[imablue]

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 66.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 76.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road

[Tshirt]

DATING IN THE 60s. Remember those days?

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1963, and James
had a date with Annabella.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Annabella's mother said as she welcomed
James.

'Have a seat in the sitting room.. Would you like something to
drink? Lemonade? Tea?'

'Tea, please,' James said. Mum brought the tea.

'So, what are you and Annabella planning to do tonight?' she asked
interestedly.

'Oh, probably go to the flicks and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the
coffee bar, perhaps have a walk on the beach afterwards.'

'Annabella likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.

'Really?' James gasped, surprised to say the least.

'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's
all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked James, incredulously.
' Oh yes,' she said..

'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Phew! Well, thanks for the tip!' James said as he began thinking about
alternative plans for the evening.

A moment later, Annabella came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture,
wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt
and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.

She greeted James.

'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Annabella burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mum!' she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen.

'The bloody dance is called the Twist!'

[imablue]

Paddy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an
unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in
a little white box.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he
would start off the relationship by taking his new pet to the pub for a
drink with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go down the pub with me today?. I want to show yer te me
mates! We will have a good time fer sure."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,
"How about going down the pub with me ?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
Paddy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's box and shouted,
"Hey, in there, yer useless git!
Fer the last time ,would you like to go to the pub with me?
This timea little voice came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time!

I 'm putting my bloody shoes on!"

[Medman]

Thursday night he gradually came to….

Stiff as a board and in pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.

It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident.

The nurse gave him a deep and steady heartfelt look straight in the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

He somehow managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your boobs then?”

NOW THAT'S A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!!

[Tshirt]

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike
is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain.' (true)
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked.
Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks.
Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom.
'She's got a great body,' he thinks.
So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.
After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is
pleasantly beaming.
But still.... Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouted.
I'll do the ****in dishes..!!

[LUCKY]

Lucky Survivor

Old Firm supporters are nothing if not widely travelled and they have a habit of turning up in the furthest-flung corners of the world, even (believe it or not) in places where they don't play football. The story is told of a merchant ship somewhere off the coast of Australia which was summoned by radio to go to the assistance of an airliner that had been forced to ditch in the sea. When the ship arrived at the scene the crew were horrified to find that every one of the unfortunate passengers had been eaten by sharks. All, that is, except one wee man seen floating in the water clinging to a piece of wreckage. He was thrown a line and duly hoisted aboard, where he lay on the deck exhausted, clad only in his underpants. The captain looked on as his medical officer attended to the half-conscious survivor. 'Now that's what I call a lucky man,' he said, 'I wonder what quirk of fate decided that he was the only one to live?'
His first mate, a man from Govan, was quick to come up with the answer.
'That's easy. See that tattoo on his chest?'
The captain examined the tattoo. 'What does it say? . . . Glasgow Celtic, best in Europe.'
The first mate shrugged. 'There ye are. No even a shark wid swallow that.'

[starling]

DUCKS IN HEAVEN!!!

Three women die together in an accident and
go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,'We
only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,There are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them,The
first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever
saw.St.Peter chains them together and says,'Your
punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day,The second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.He
them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this
and, not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is
very,VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one
day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes
on.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,' wonder what I did to deserve being
Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a
Duck.