Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

[tub]

you know when you get that urge to eat something just because its there.....and that is why i am no longer a gynaecologist

[Tshirt]

THE INTERVIEW WITH SEAN CONNERY

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that even though he was 72 he could still have fantastic sex 3 times a night, Cilla Black who was also a guest was intrigued by this.

After the show, Cilla approached Sean and said " I 'ope I'm not bein too forward but I'd like to take you back to my 'ouse and have sex with yer, we could ave a Lorra fun"
They went back to Cillas house and got comfortable. After a couple of stiff drinks they went upstairs and had an hour of mad passionate sex.
Afterwards Sean said "if you think that was good let me shleep for half an hour and we'll have better shex. While I'm shleeping hold me balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand. Cilla looked perplexed but said "okay"
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens and they have better sex than before.
Sean says "that was brilliant Cilla, but if you let me shleep for an hour we can have even better Shex, you'll have to....."
" I know Sean, you want me to hold onto yer bat and balls again, no problem Hun"
Cilla complies with the routine
They have mind blowing sex and after Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me dis oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in my other, does it really stimulate yer that much??"

"Not at all Cilla, just the last time I had Shex with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet"

[Tshirt]

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we have been married for over twenty years, but I want a divorce.
The husband says nothing, he keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45mph. The wife speaks again. "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it." She says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he is a far better lover than you are."
Again the husband stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55mph. She pushes her luck. "I want the house." She says insistently. Up to 60 mph. "I want the car, too." She continues. 65mph. "And," she says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes her nervous, so she asks him, "Isn't ther anything you want?"
The husband at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need, " he says.
"Oh, really," she inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65mph, the husband turns to her and smiles. "The airbag!"


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[Tshirt]

A TV company is looking for people from this page to appear in a documentary. They are looking for people with shaved heads, goatee beards, tattoos on knuckles, beer bellies and who can fart/belch at will.
Successful applicants will be allowed to take their husbands along with them.

[Tshirt]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands, and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(Wait for it)



She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."



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[tub]

liverpool the only city i have seen a baby in a pram parked on bricks

[DaveCull]

Legoland?

Dave from LPL

[Tshirt]

I am confused
I used to think that I was just a regular bloke.
I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist.
My politics is right of centre, which makes me a racist..
I am heterosexual, according to some gays and lesbians this now makes me homophobic.
I am non-union which makes me a traitor to the working class, and an ally of big business.
I am non religious , which now labels me as an islamophobe.
I am older than forty, which means I have no right to vote according to most students.
I think I reason, therefore I doubt much that the mainstream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.
I am proud of my heritage, and our inclusive British culture, which now makes me a xenophobe.
I value my safety, and that of my family, and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.
I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individuals merits, which makes me an anti-socialist.
I believe in the defence and protection of the homeland, for and by all citizens, which now makes me a militant.
Please help me come to terms with the new me... because I'm just not sure who I am anymore.
I would love to thank my family and friends, for sticking with me through these abrupt new found changes in my life, and my thinking.
I just can't imagine or understand what's happened to me, and so quickly.
Funny it's all seemed to have happened to me over the last seven or eight years.
.
.
.
As if all this wasn't enough to deal with, I'm now afraid to go into either toilet.


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[warbey]

.
.
and the Local Council tolerate Muslim Prayers!

That description fits many nowadays Ted.

[tub]

i have just swallowed some scrabble letters my early morning motion tomorrow could spell trouble