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Thread: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

  1. #991

    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    What's slightly bigger than your foot, leathery and sounds like a sneeze?






    A shoe

  2. #992
    Super Tenerifian BobMac's Avatar

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    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    Teacher asks her junior class 'What part of the body expands up to 10 times in size when stimulated?'

    Little Janie puts up her hand & says 'Miss you're disgusting, you shouldn't be teaching us stuff like that!'.

    Johnny raises & says 'Is it the iris of the eye?'

    Teacher says 'Well done Johhny, & Janie -

    1, You didn't do your homework,
    2, You have a dirty mind &
    3, One day you are going to be VERY disappointed!!..

  3. #993
    Super Tenerifian BobMac's Avatar

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    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM..

    A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

    'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

    Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

    After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed.

    Please follow the appropriate steps

    MALE PROCEDURE:

    1. Drive up to the cash machine.
    2. Put down your car window.
    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
    6. Put window up.
    7. Drive off.


    FEMALE PROCEDURE:

    (What is really funny is that some ??of this part is the truth!!!!)

    1. Drive up to cash machine.
    2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
    3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
    4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
    5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
    6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
    7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
    8. Insert card.
    9. Re-insert card the right way.
    10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
    11. Enter PIN
    12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
    13. Enter amount of cash required
    14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
    15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
    16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
    17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
    18. Re-check makeup.
    19 Drive forward 2 feet.
    20. Reverse back to cash machine.
    21. Retrieve card.
    22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
    23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
    24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
    25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
    26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
    27. Release Parking Brake.

  4. #994
    ALWAYS WRONG (wife says) Ecky Thump's Avatar

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    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs.


    The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning.
    As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic
    As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.


    One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.
    Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

    'Hello...Hello !' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me?

    For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there?'

    Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine,

    "VOTE FOR CORBEN ".

    Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, 'Oh, thank you, God!

    At least Dopey is still alive!!
    Live your life so that even the undertaker is sad to see you die.

  5. #995
    ALWAYS WRONG (wife says) Ecky Thump's Avatar

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    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    .
    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

    A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.


    At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'
    Live your life so that even the undertaker is sad to see you die.

  6. #996
    ALWAYS WRONG (wife says) Ecky Thump's Avatar

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    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100.'
    The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald shipped home.
    The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?
    The American Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk!! '
    Live your life so that even the undertaker is sad to see you die.

  7. #997
    ALWAYS WRONG (wife says) Ecky Thump's Avatar

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    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    : CHOICES

    When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the
    entrance exam to go to Medical School .
    One of the questions asked us, was to rearrange the letters
    PNEIS into the name of an important human body part, which is most useful
    when erect.

    Those who answered 'spine' are doctors today.

    The rest of us are sending jokes via email.
    Live your life so that even the undertaker is sad to see you die.

  8. #998

    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
    Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite
    cheaply.
    So, they brought the cow over from Scotland .

    It was absolutely wonderful,
    it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

    They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
    so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

    They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
    whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
    the cow would move away.

    No matter what approach the bull tried,
    the cow would move away from the bull,
    and he was never able to do the deed.

    The people were very upset and decided to go to
    the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and
    ask his advice.

    "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

    If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

    When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

    If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other
    side."

    The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
    before asking,

    "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

    The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
    that they had brought the cow over from Scotland .

    "You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
    "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?

    The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

    "My wife is from Scotland".

  9. #999
    ALWAYS WRONG (wife says) Ecky Thump's Avatar

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    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    .

    The Husband Store

    A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions
    at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:





    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose
    to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!



    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

    'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

    'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

    'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that most women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
    Live your life so that even the undertaker is sad to see you die.

  10. #1000

    Re: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

    Two obnoxious businessmen
    in a new shopping mall...


















    were sitting down for a
    break in their soon-to-be
    new shop...



    As yet, the shop wasn't
    ready, with only a few
    shelves set up.



    One said to the other,
    "I bet any minute now
    some senior pensioner is
    going to walk by, put their
    face to the window, and
    ask what we're selling."
    No sooner were the words
    out of his mouth when,
    sure enough, a curious old
    woman walked to the
    window, had a peek, and in
    a soft voice asked,



    "What are you selling here?"

    One of the men replied sarcastically,
    "We're selling ass-holes."

    Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,
    "Must be doing well... Only two left.....

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