Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

[Tshirt]

Squaddie joke.

A young guardsman is on the gate at Buckingham palace. The RSM walks up to him and says "Right lad, the Queen is out on public duties I want to know the minute she gets back here, do you understand? The minute she's back you let me know".
"Yes sir " says the young guardsman.
So 10 minutes later a big limo pulls in through the gates, the guardsman stops the car, pops his head in and says " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "
"No I'm princess Ann"
"ok sorry to delay you, proceed".
The next limo pulls in and he sticks his head in the window " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "
"No I'm princess Margaret".
" Ok sorry to delay you ma'am, proceed.
Next limo pulls in and same again, he sticks his head in the window, "Scuse me ma'am, are you the Queen?."
"Yes I'm the Queen".
"Right" he says. "Well make yourself scarce love cos the RSM is lookin for you".

[imablue]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says,
"This is phenomenal.
You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.
However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers.
I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."

"But wait," the man says.
"If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin.
He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer,
"that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed.
"Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[Tshirt]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."


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[tub]

an old woman goes into the dentist and sits in the chair lowers her draws and raises her legs in the air the dentist says i am sorry but i am not a gynaecologist the old gel says i know i want you to take my husbands teeth out

[Tshirt]

I went to the Patent office to register some of my camping inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"
"A Fottle."
"What else do you have?"
"I have also invented a folding carton."
Again she said, "what do you call it?"
"A Farton."
She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products, and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]

[Tshirt]

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[imablue]

I used to be addicted to the hokey cokey but I managed to turn myself around.

And that's what it's all about.

[tub]

what do you call a scotsman with diarrhoea... Bravefart

[Tshirt]

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church.
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.’
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ‘Father,
it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.’
This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who is this Fanny Green?’
‘A new woman in the neighborhood,’ the sinner replied.
‘Very well,’ sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon,
a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ‘Is that Fanny Green?’
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,
‘No Father, I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes’


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[Tshirt]

In a small English village chemist shop a new female assistant was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public, but the Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.

"Look" he said. "My regular customers are also a little shy so they don't ask for condoms; they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned”.

The first day was fine, but on the second day a large black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said "350" please.
The girl panicked. She phoned the chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs. "Yes! Yes!" she shouted down the phone. "He's got one hanging there!”

The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner!"


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