Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

[Tshirt]

Nicola Sturgeon was touring Perthshire in the First Minister’s chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumped out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
"You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, ”I can’t afford to be blamed for anything.” The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.
"My goodness, what happened to you?" asks Nicola. The chauffeur replies : "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me." "What on earth did you say to them?" asks Nicola.
"I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said, 'I'm Nicola Sturgeon’s chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'”


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[imablue]

Went to see a band called Corduroy pillows

The,re making headlines everywhere.

[Tshirt]

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "**** off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough..


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[Tshirt]

Two army boys, Frankie and Davy, get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.

Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Frankie says, “Hey, Davy – there’s the NCO Club. Let’s you and me stop in and have us a drink.”

“But we’s privates,” protests Davy.

“No, we’s sergeants now,” says Frankie proudly, pulling him inside. “Now, Davy, I’m gonna sit down and have me a drink.”

“But, we’s privates,” says Davy. “You’re blind, boy!” says Frankie, pointing at his stripes. “We’s Sergeants now!”

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Frankie. “You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to take you someplace and make you feel good — but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”

Frankie pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Davy, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it’s good, give me the okay sign.”

Davy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Frankie the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Frankie is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

“Davy,” he shouts, “What did you give me the okay for?!”

“Well Frankie, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates


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[Tshirt]

BREAKING: news
Cross-Eyed circumciser gets the sack..


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- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -

A hunter spots a small brown bear and shoots it. He then feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around, and is face to face with a big black bear. ‘You’ve got two choices,’ says the bear. ‘I maul you, or we have sex.’ The guy opts to have sex with the bear. After recovering for two weeks, the angry hunter goes looking for the big black bear. Just then he feels another tap on his shoulder, and turns to see a 10-foot grizzly standing over him. ‘Admit it,’ says the bear. ‘You don’t come here for the hunting, do you?

[Tshirt]

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[lynno52]

Thanks Ted - that was great

[tub]

i am worried something might be wrong with my testicles one seems bigger than the other three

[Tshirt]

My wife said to me "You only ever want sex when you're drunk" i said "that’s not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"


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[Tshirt]

A man was marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit. 'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it. She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink. Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?' He looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?'