Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

[Tshirt]

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick.
So he dialed the employee's home phone number after a number of rings he was answered by child's whisper
"Hello?"
'Is your daddy home?' '
Small voice whispered, 'Yes, he's out in the garden ,'
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered,' No.'
So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?'
'Yes she's out in the garden too'
The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?'
Again, 'No'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes, whispered the child,' a policeman . '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, He's busy,' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. '
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
It's a helicopter 'answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
'The search team just landed a helicopter
' A search team?' said the boss.
'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... 'ME '...

[Tshirt]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"For all these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your tits."
“Oh!”, she said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."

[imablue]

A Little Taliban Humor…

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!”

"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."

"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace!

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!”

[Tshirt]

Just witnessed totally disgusting behaviour on the beach this morning.

A man and woman were arguing in front of a load of kids then she smacked him one on the head and it all kicked off between them,
the Police turned up and the Policeman ended up using his baton on the bloke but the man actually managed to get the baton off the copper and started hitting the copper and the woman with it.

Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages as the man shouted 'That’s the way to do it'!

[imablue]

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.

The couple produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean, well maintained and equipped with a beautiful bedroom for the child.

The social workers raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."

The social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

"Our nanny is a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare, and diet. In addition, there are 17 other children who travel with their circus parents."

The social workers were finally satisfied. They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits into the cannon."

[imablue]

An electrician from the US prison service has refused to do maintenance on the electric chair .
He said, in his professional opinion , it was a death trap..

[Tshirt]

A guy calls the hospital and says, “You gotta send help! My wife’s going into labor!”
The nurse says, “Calm down. Is this her first child?”
To which he replies, “No! This is her ****ing husband!”


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[Tshirt]

Wee Johnny asked furra TV in his room, and his Father, reluctantly, agrees.The next day, Johnny came downstairs and asked, "Dad, whats love juice?"
His father looked horrified, but decides tae give little Johnny the dreaded sex talk,The poor wee boy just sat there, mouth wide open in amazement, until his Dad asked, "So what were you watching?"
Johnny replied, "Wimbledon.

[imablue]

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.
One day he finds a theatre where they are willing to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line, 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long, before the play, he's practising his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage and, with great passion, delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter, and the director was steaming: "You bloody fool!," he cried, "You've ruined me!" The actor was bewildered, "What happened? Did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

[Tshirt]

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned ...'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out........


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