Reply With Quotei am addicted to seaweed i must seek kelp
IRISH TALKING CLOCK?
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked..
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'How's it work?' the friend asked,
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
'You ASSHOLE! It's 3:15 in the MORNING!'
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Ted......TED.....Where are you...................
i am addicted to seaweed i must seek kelp
Only just realised we’re back online
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows
frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.
It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this
would happen. The realization of the situation then dawned on him. With his
entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his
wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?
He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.
Just then, anelderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows' noses.
After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and
chewing the cud. One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the
whole field was full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked
the woman what she wanted as a payment for her deed. She declined his offer
and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.
"No" said the farmer........... "who was it?"
Wait for it.........
"That was Thora Hird."
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Ted
SEX AFTER DEATH
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion ... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's
off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more
times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around
the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After
supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and
then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
"No............I'm a rabbit in Huddersfield.
Ted
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it
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Ted
Two elderly residents, one an old squaddie and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know now just what you're wanting, and for £5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For £10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for £20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after couple of minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled £20 pound note and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Hell no," replies the old lady. "I want it four times in that rocking chair!
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Ted
i left my packet of quorn at the checkout today i went back and said to the assistant have you seen my vegetarian mince she said no but walk up and down that aisle and i will give you my honest opinion
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Ted
GETTING MARRIED
Jacob, aged 92, and Rebecca, aged 89, living in Devon, are getting all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist.
Jacob suggests they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?” The pharmacist answers ”Yes”.
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: How about suppositories?”
Pharmacist: “You bet!”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Alzheimers?”
Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinsons disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Pharmacist: “We sure do.”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob: “Adult incontinence pads?”
Pharmacist: “Sure.”
Jacob: “We’d like to use this store for our wedding present lists".
An old soldier once told his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously every morning, and lived to be 93.
When he died, he left 6 children, 11 grandchildren, 27 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the local crematorium.
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Ted
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