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Thread: Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

  1. #21
    UltraMegaSuper Tenerifian Harmonicaman's Avatar

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    A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
    the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like
    to buy some cyanide."

    The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

    The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

    The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I
    can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law?
    I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
    bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
    husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me
    you had a prescription."

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  4. #22
    Super Tenerifian kingbaker's Avatar

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    what about this

    > Clever Flight Attendant
    >
    > A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Singapore
    > Airlines from Heathrow to Singapore.
    > The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his
    > mother and asked,
    > 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why
    > don't big planes have baby planes?"
    >
    > The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to
    > ask the flight attendant.
    >
    > So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight
    > attendant,
    >
    > ' If big dogs have baby dogs,
    > and big cats have baby cats,
    >
    > why don't big planes have baby planes?"
    >
    > The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to
    > ask me that?"
    >
    > The boy said, "Yes, she did."
    > "Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby
    > planes
    >
    > because Singapore Airlines always
    > Pull out on time.
    >
    > And ask her to explain that to you

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  6. #23
    Super Tenerifian sunspot's Avatar

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    A little Girl goes up to her Dad and says, Daddy when my cat died, why did its legs in the air? Daddy replies, well its legs were in the air like that to make it eaiser for Jesus to grab hold oh him and pull him into heaven.Oh my gosh, says the girl that means Mummy almost died this morning ! what do you mean by that ? asks the Dad, well replies the girl when I looked into Mummy's room she was lying on the bed with her legs in the air shouting Jesus I'm coming and if it hadn't been for the postman holding her down he would have got her !

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  8. #24
    Super Tenerifian DaveRF's Avatar

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    A guy asks his boss for the afternoon off work. "Why do you want the time off"? asks the boss. "My wife is going to have a baby" replies the man. "No problem" says the boss and away the man goes. The next day the boss asks the man "So is it a boy or a girl"? "Oh it takes months" replies the man.

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  10. #25
    Mega Tenerifian mike in chayofa's Avatar

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    A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital.
    She timidly asked,
    "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

    The operator said,
    "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

    The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,
    "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

    The operator replied,
    "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

    After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
    "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
    physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

    The grandmother said,
    "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

    The operator replied,
    "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

    The grandmother said,
    "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me ****."
    .

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  12. #26
    Super Tenerifian sunspot's Avatar

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    Mother superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back of the room, "I'm so tired of Chardonnay..."

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  14. #27
    Mega Tenerifian mike in chayofa's Avatar

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    A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
    He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him
    occupied.

    Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.... The
    father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him
    on the back..

    The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.
    Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

    A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
    business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and
    sipping a cup of coffee..
    At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,
    neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her
    seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

    Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold
    of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at
    first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!! After a few
    seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the
    10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

    Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father
    and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

    As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
    father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've
    never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are
    you a doctor? "


    'No,' the woman replied.
    I'm with the Inland Revenue..'
    .

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  16. #28
    Super Tenerifian DaveRF's Avatar

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    I'm not saying where I live is a Chav town but they sell Father's day cards in packs of five.

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  18. #29
    Super Tenerifian Big Money Champion Connect2 Champion Cube Crash Deluxe Champion Medman's Avatar

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    An old guy (not able to get in the best of shape from tennis) started working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.
    He asked the trainer who's nearby: "What machine in here should I use to make this body look attractive to someone like that sweet young thing over there?"
    The trainer looked him up & down & said: "I'd try the ATM in the lobby."
    KEEP MUSIC LIVE

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  20. #30
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    I love this Doctor!

    Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
    A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
    A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
    A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
    A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
    A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!



    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
    A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
    A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
    A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
    A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

    Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
    A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

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