Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

[Tshirt]

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'
'What skill?' yelled Paddy.. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says:
'Yep, diesel fitter.'

[Ecky Thump]

Giggle of the day


An Irishman went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my
last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three
Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irishman entered the confessional. 'Father,
it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with
Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the
sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered
the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she
slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny
emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress
and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart,
but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered,...... 'Is that Fanny Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly
reply, ..........'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes!!

[imablue]

Non Political from me .....
The Queen is in Glasgow and she bumped into Alex Salmond.
HMQ: How nice to see you Mr Salmond.
AS: Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when
we win Independence? How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll be a King?

HMQ: No, we don’t like that.
AS: Empire, and I'll be Emperor?
HMQ: No.
AS: Alright, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a Prince?

HMQ: No Mr Salmond, I suggest we call it a Country.

[LUCKY]

Council and housing association complaints
The following are real extracts from actual complaint letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK. What a literate bunch we Brits truly are!

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage, and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his **** wakes me up, and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get BBC2.

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it,

… and he’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

... that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

[Ecky Thump]

The Pope’s Illness



The Pope was very ill, and nobody could cure him.
The cardinals called in an old physician recommended to them. After an hour long examination, he came up with a solution.
“I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The bad news: The Pope has a rare testicular disorder.
The good news: He can be cured…..with sex.”
The cardinals, not happy with the cure, explain the situation to the Pope.
“I’ll agree to it,” says the Pope, ”but under four conditions.”
The cardinals were shocked. ”What are the four conditions?” asks one.
”First, the girl must be blind, so she cannot see with whom she is having sex.
Second, she must be deaf, so she cannot hear with whom she is having sex.
Third, she must be dumb, so if she somehow figures out with whom she is having sex,.. she can tell no one.”
After a long pause, a cardinal asks,
“And the fourth condition?”
”Very Big tits!"

[starling]

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.



• When chemists die, they barium.



• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.



• A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.



• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.



• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.



• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.



• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.



• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.



• This dyslexic man walks into a bra.



• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.



• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.



• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!



• Broken pencils are pointless.



• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.



• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .



• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.



• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.



• All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.



• I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.



• Velcro - what a rip off!

[imablue]

Paddy and Mick looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though.
Her clothes arrived yesterday!!

[Tshirt]

Sharon Osbourne is quoted as saying that she's not going to reconcile with Ozzy until he proves to her that he can stay sober.
After hearing this, Ozzy said ...
"Who's Sharon Osbourne?"

- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -

I bought my new Super Car Stereo today. It's voice activated.
If I shout, "Country," it plays Dolly Parton.
If I shout, "Rock," it plays Guns and Roses.
And if I shout Pavarotti it will play Classical.
I was driving through my town the other day when some children ran out in front of me.
I shouted, "****ING KIDS..!" and it totally knackered it, it didn’t know whether to play Gary Glitter or Rolf Harris.

- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -

A blonde decides to get a porno movie, so she goes to the store and picks one with a fairly dirty title.
When she puts the DVD in and presses 'PLAY,' the screen is fuzzy and nothing is going on.
Frustrated, she calls the store about the movie. They ask her what the title is, and she replies, "Head Cleaner".

[Tshirt]

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?'
£124,237.64p.'
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat Department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no... He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady Friend
And I said... 'Well, since your weekend's buggered mate, you might as well go Fishing

[LUCKY]

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, George woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realized he had made it home safely.


Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.


"IT'S A BOY" I shouted. "A BOY! I DON'T BELIEVE IT... IT'S A BOY".
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast,
they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.


A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?'
Granny replies, f@@k the pills!! Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?


Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!