Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

[imablue]

The Story of my Life.
She's single .... she lives right across the street.
I can see her place from my patio.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and
knocked on the door.
I rushed to open it, she looks at me and said, "I just got home, and I
have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get
laid tonight!
Are you doing anything?"
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"
She said, "Great! ....Could you watch my dog??
Tough or what !!

[Tshirt]

A rich Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a man close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl and traditional locks of hair. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this fellow is Jewish.

So, he shouts to the barman, “Drinks for everyone in here, but not for the Jew over there.”

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, “Thank you,” in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jew. He continues to smile, and again yells,“Thank you.”

The Arab asks the barman, “What’s the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all he does is smile and thank me?”

The barman replies, “He owns the place …”

[starling]

AAHH, MAKES YOUR HEART SING.

A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat

on to make his way down to the local pub.

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said,

Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.



'She replied,

'Awe Jock that's nice are you taking me tae the pub with you?



'Nay,’ Jock replied



‘I'm turning the heat off while I'm out.'

[Tshirt]

A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex:



Husband: "Sukitaki. mojitaka!"



Wife replies: "Kowanini! mowi janakpa!"



Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"



Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"



Husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!"





>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>



I Can't believe you just sat there trying to read this – you don’t know Japanese.



You'll read anything as long as it’s about sex.... you need serious help!!!



Sometimes I worry about you.

[Tshirt]

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I' m on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any more

[Chine]

I was at a job interview today ,the interviewer said "it says on your cv that you are a man of mystery"
"That's correct" I replied ,
He said " would like to elaborate ?"
"No" I said

[Tshirt]

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

[imablue]

Class trip to Farm.
Teacher..
Ok children what sounds did we hear on our trip to the farm yesterday
1st.Kid...Moooo...
2nd.Kid... Baaaa...
3rd. Kid Quack Quack...
Little Jonny...Get off that F...... Tractor!!

[Chine]

This years Brits will always be remembered for its fabulous tribute to 'Allo Allo' ,
Featuring the fallen Madonna with the big boobies !

[Tshirt]

A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated
Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So
she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest
and chant, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'
She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement
she grew to a terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic
realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might
lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood
right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said,
'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ' Are you a patient of
Dr.Bumbutu?
'Yes I am.. How did you know?'

He winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock'...