Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

[Tshirt]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife
promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house
adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up
there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going
to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice
said, 'Come on in..' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was
done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on
its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked,'Are you the people that broke my
window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.'Oh, no
apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie,
and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've
released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish,
but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out,
'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And
I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in
the world,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes
will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman
in more than a thousand years,my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now
have a fortune, and all those houses, what do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're
right.Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about
you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'


So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the
afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three
hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her
eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?''Why, we're both 35,' she
responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,'he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe
in genies?'

[tub]

why is pubic hair like parsley you normally push it to the side before you start eating

[Ecky Thump]

MUSLIM TRIBUTE BAND

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night at a Mosque in London. They were called "Bomb Jovi" and I thought they were brilliant. They performed songs like “Losing my head over you”, “Rocket Launcher Man”, “You’re six, you’re beautiful, and you’re mine”.

Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down!!

Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.

I was interested, so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"

Well that was when the trouble started.
Those assholes have no sense of humor!

[Medman]

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge enquires "first offender ?". She replies "no, first a Gibson, then a Fender" !!

[Chine]

Who are we? WOMEN

What do we want? WE DON'T KNOW

When do we want it? NOW !

[Tshirt]

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:

Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he’s back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the beer mate?'

'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told his Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.

'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You are mistaken. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I betcha a case of beer you are.'

[imablue]

A foursome of men are waiting on the men,s tee while a foursome of women are on the ladies tee taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she duffs it 10 feet.
Then she goes over and misses it completely.
Then she hacks it another 10 feet and finally hacks it another 5 feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically,
I guess all those Fu....g lessons i took over the winter didn,t help....
One of the men immediately responds.
Well there you have it..
You should have taken Golf Lessons instead!!.

[tub]

what do we want a question that epitomises the misogyny of the female gender propounded by the ruling patriarchy when do we want tit

[Medman]

Rotund Patient to doctor : The problem is that obesity runs in our family

Doctor to rotund patient : No, the problem is no one runs in your family

[Ecky Thump]

Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot the little s**t.