Tenerife Forum joke thread: Post all your jokes here

[tub]

just been to a muslim childs birthday party ---the musical chairs were a bit slow but the pass the parcel went like lightning

[TOTO 99]

Two lesbians are on a game show together and the host asks them, "So, what do you two do?"
"We work at a supermarket. One of us sells fruit and veg and the other sells meat."
The host said "I see, so which one of you is the butcher?"
They look at each other, then one of them said, "We're about the same really."....

[Medman]

Rye Bread is the Secret


Two old guys, one 70 and one 77, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 77 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 70 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 77 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 70 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves?!! ... you know by the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh1t but me."

[Medman]

MURPHY'S LESSER KNOWN LAWS

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

10. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

12. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

13. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -

It was the first day back at school in Birmingham, England and the teacher began calling out the names of the pupils.

"Mustafa Al Azheri?"
"Here."

"Achmed El Kabul?"
"Here."

"Fatima Bin Badir?"
"Here."

"Ali Abdul Alami?"
"Here."

"Mohammed Bin Kadir?"
"Here."

"Ali Son al En?"
Silence in the classroom.


"Ali Son al En?"
Continued silence, as everyone looked around the room.


The teacher repeated the call,
"Ali Son Al En?"


Finally, a girl stood up and said,
"Sorry, teacher, I think that's me. It's pronounced Allison Allen."

[tfs1]

The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer so a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
*
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million pounds, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.*
*
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
*
Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'
*
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?
*
The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again*
*
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
*
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.
*
And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

[Tshirt]

Fred and Terry were good mates, having been through junior school, high school, and university together.
Their backgrounds though were quite different,with Terry coming from a high class family, whilst Fred`s parents were poor but honest farmers.
When Fred was about five, he just wanted to be a farmer like his dad, and had already got a large collection of toy tractors and other farming implements.
As a special treat Fred`s father took his young son to an agricultural show.
Fred was happily playing on one of the demonstration tractors, when the owner shouted at him :-
"Get of my tractor , you little hooligan! You can only drive one of those when you are grown up and can afford to buy one of your own."
Fred was very upset by this, as he thought he would never have enough money to buy such a big tractor. So when he got home he threw all his toy tractors and such into the bin.
Years later Fred and Terry were celebrating their qualifying as doctors, and were out on the town for a drink.
They went to a pub which had lots of noise coming out of the door, and decided to go in.
When they opened the door they were met by such a wall of fumes and smoke that terry said :_" Lets go some where else"
" Hang on." said Fred and put his head inside the pub and took a great
intake of breath.
All the smoke disappeared!!
"How did you do that" asked Terry.
"Sorry " said Fred " But I forgot to tell you that I am an EX tractor fan!"

[Chine]

Apparently double-barrelled names come about when both parents want to keep their surnames, according to my friend Paddy Murphy-Murphy.

[tfs1]

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar.

Finding he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a magic Genie?' Mick asked. 'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy. Could' I see him?'

Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.

Will you grant me one wish?' 'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the* tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing.


Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

[Chine]

Apparently, "Canape" was originally a very expensive Scottish starter ...

and was spelled "Cannae pay".

[Chine]

A student changed his name by deed poll because it was a lot cheaper than paying a £220 admin charge for a minor booking error that Ryanair wanted to charge him.

Mr £@ckoffryanair declined to comment

- - - - - - - - - - merged double post - - - - - - - - - -

Authorities had arranged for all the illegal immigrants to be deported to their own countries in a special Ryanair flight but cancelled at the last moment as they pleaded they'd rather be crammed back into a container for a more comfortable journey.